#855 When you cut off your big disgusting toenail

Feels good, don't it?

Big toes are tough.

Chances are good that Big Digit is holding onto the largest nail you’ve got. And yeah, chopping it off can be a tough job, but then again — if you didn’t do it once in a while you’d pop holes in your socks and end up with scraggly Hobbit Feet all the time, complete with dirty, jagged Forest Toenails.

That’s why it’s so satisfying to saw that big toenail right off.

Now, there are a few different ways to get the job done:

trim-those-hedges• The Big Clip. My brother-in-law Dee used to pull out this fancy salon kit he had which contained a Jumbo Nail Clipper. Have you seen once of these things? They’re enormous and well-suited to the job of Big Toenail Cutter Offer. Clip, clip, you’re done. And you can use it to trim the hedges afterwards.
• Temporary Fang Nail. This is where you clip both the left and right sides of the nail first, and then end up with a temporary sharp and jagged fang nail just sticking up like a dagger. It’s pretty funny, but not safe around children or small animals. Let’s be smart and chop safe out there, folks.
What it looks like in Switzerland

• The Slow And Steady. This is the classic. Time to pull out that old, rusty nail clipper somebody bought from the dollar store fifteen years ago and set your foot on the bathroom counter, a sunny patch of grass outside, or on yesterday’s newspaper. You have to scrunch your eyebrows, and then slowly inch your way across the nail, bit by bit by bit by bit, almost peeling it off. Optional here is using a nail file to scrape out the Residual Toe Cheese.

When you’re done, you end up with a magnificently disgusting Giant Dirty Shard of Big Toenail. And yeah, I know it’s gross, and I know you’ll toss it in the garbage soon, but you can’t tell me that for one beautiful moment you just look at it and think


January 10, 2013, 11:18PM EST

Dear readers of 1000 Awesome Things,

I am sorry! I accidentally blew up this blog approximately two weeks ago. The images have been wonky, comments haven’t worked, and The App of Awesome went down. We have been working desperately to get everything running again and expect to be All Systems Go in a few days. 

I want to personally apologize to the hundreds of thousands of people who read 1000 Awesome Things each week. Thank you sincerely for your emails, tweets, and posts about the blog. It’s funny — sometimes we take for granted how lucky we are when everything’s working, until it suddenly… isn’t. 

I’d like to sincerely thank my friends Matt, Nate, Ben, and the good folks at WordPress, for helping bring this tiny, electronic baby back to life. Yes, it’s just bits and bytes. But I think it’s also been a special place for me, and you, and us.

Thanks for your patience and here’s to more and more awesome always,


p.s. Here’s five of my favorites for the weekend: And a 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5!


the-magic-wandPhotos from: here, here, here, and here

19 thoughts on “#855 When you cut off your big disgusting toenail

  1. This has never been a huge awesome for me, until my boyfriend asked me to clip his toenails. For some reason, I get a big laugh out of clipping those big man big toenails with my big ole’ toenail clippers (inherited from dad). They end up shooting through the air and I gripe loudly, meanwhile laughing inside at the hilarity of it! I can’t let him see me laughing…it would ruin my cover of complaining-about-doing-it-in-the-firstplace. LOL! Actually, thinking about the fact where I’ve reached the age that clipping my mate’s toenails is high entertainment is hilarious enough! LMAO!

    1. You have just seriously made my day with this comment, Kathy. Oh, I’m rolling.
      But I don’t think I would ever clip hubby’s nail…unless I really had to.

  2. I was born into the era of sticks and stones not bits and bytes- Given the story of my life and even present circumstances, I’m transitioning from; my inferiority complex, abandonment issues and, and, and, I thought I’d done/said something very wrong…like being born! And for the way I am…I thought, “I’m not worthy” and was so unawesome I’d literally been blocked, Neil had given me the boot! Not the least bit pathetic eh?!*
    I think I earned an Awesome bumper sticker, t-shirt and magnet for the pain!
    Okay, not to be narcissistic, I’m more an empathic, and so think all followers are worthy!

    *Do not like big thick toe nails! I used to like swiss cheese!
    Kathy, it MUST be love!
    Neil, thanks for the life saving message and the 5 faves. Def. some of mine too! Have a great weekend everyone!

      1. Yeah…. where is everyone? They could NOT have gotten their awesome fix in just one round. They have to come back for round 2. Its been years, I’m sure there’s more stories to share.

  3. Good to know things will soon be up and running again. Thanks for the weekend favourites, Neil! Those are some very awesome things, and I hope you have an awesome weekend. I hope all of y’all have an awesome weekend!

  4. you guys at 1000 aesome are awesome, I cut my big toe nail a few weeks ago and the cut part hit me in the eye and scratched my cornea, had it looked at will be ok with the eyedroppers they gave me. The big toe nails are strong and powerful, need a professional to clip them when your older, I’m 70+ years old , so you can learn from my fiasco.

    1. Sorry to heat it, Nick. Scratched cornea is painful…those toenails are dangerous…yikes! Hope you have a speedy recovery!

    2. Oh, wow… now I’m going to be on the lookout for flying toe nails. I never thought of one hitting me in they eye before. Hope you’re doing ok.

      1. Hey, for the record, I said something nice here too but guess word press never posted!
        I had dry wall chunk damage scratch my cornea a few months back. Two trips to doc said nothing there. one to the optometrist found It stuck under the eye lid! OUCH! I know the pain!
        I hope you’re healing well! Advice is right, professional! And who would’ve known for toe nails, perhaps safety goggles!

  5. OMG YES! And can I just say… it’s a total awesome bonus when your lover has freshly pruned toenails. Theres nothing worse than being scratch on the leg my someones disgusting foot dirt collector. GOO!

  6. I’m happy that everything is up and running now, Neil. No worries.

    Ok… this one is awesome and kinda weirdly gross. I’m not bothered by feet at all, but when hubby clips his nails while sitting on the couch and then just leaves them there in the floor….it kinda annoys me and grosses me out.

    My toe nails seem to grow super slow. I still have nail polish on them from 4 months ago. I’m not taking it off. I wanna see how long it takes.

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