#849 The fetal position

Looks comfy, don't it?

Girl, you used to fit in a shoebox.

Back when you were all-nude, all-the-time, you were crunched up real fine in your mom’s tum. Yes, your head was bowed down, your back was bent forward, your legs were pulled to your chest, and everything was in order.

The fetal position is the medical term used to describe your Totally Comfy Pre-Born Position. You’re all curled up into a comfy little ball in there and while mom may notice you rattling around a bit, you’re actually pretty chilled out and relaxed.

I mean, there’s a reason La-Z-Boy doesn’t make a womb-sized version, and brother, it ain’t because they can’t. No, it’s because there’s just no demand. Pre-born babies are already living the life of leisure and no amount of built-in cup-holders, pillowy-soft headrests, or swing-out footrests can improve that.

Nothing compared to the womb

Now, the fetal position has many post-pop uses as well.

First of all, some people sleep this way after they’re born. They find it a safe and comfy way to ferry into Dreamland each evening. And this isn’t just hearsay, people. Yes, I used to be a fetal position junkie myself as a kid, sleeping on my side and somewhat resembling a pajama-clad jelly-roll.

Secondly, what’s up with all those bears and heroin? It’s true — drug users curl up into the safe and warm fetal position when they’re experiencing withdrawal and studies suggest that playing dead in the fetal position is a good strategy to ward off further pawing from a friendly bear.

Don't get lost in the barrens

Lastly, it just feels like home. The fetal position is the best way to keep warm if you find yourself tentless in Nunavut or crashing on a pal’s basement floor without copious blanketing. It literally warms the heart (liver, lungs, and kidneys.)

And hey, isn’t the fetal position just one more way to turn back the clock? After all, your body knows the fetal position, your body lived the fetal position, and so when you’re coming down off an acid trip on the cold floor of a bear-infested forest, I think you know what to do.

Curl right up, baby.

For me and you.


Fight back with the fetal position!

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Photos from: here, here, here, and here

8 thoughts on “#849 The fetal position

  1. I think I need to start using the fetal position more. It seems pretty useful for warding off those bears and the forest coldness. Next time I go camping, I will put the fetal position to good use.

  2. The language in this post is particularly poetic and catchy! You have such a knack for creating interesting turns of phrase, Neil! :)

  3. The 50’s dome chairs and hanging wicker egg shaped chairs came close to re-inventing the comforts.
    Janusz Liberkowski, (Bless his soul), with womb protection in mind and in the name of love, invented this:
    And several people I know have said they find the fetal position good for #854 too!
    There are even some horses in therapeutic riding who have a gait that can rock you as if you are “back there”…healing! Very cool!

    1. Oh ya, and in a car wreck 10 years ago, it was confirmed by experts that the fetal position my daughter was in, saved her life!
      All due respect, Neil, I think the fetal position could be closer on the list to birth! :)

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