Yes, you lay sprawled on your sweaty couch, pleading with your open windows to blow a breeze across the room. Instead, the dusty air hangs heavy and every breath you take feels like sucking wind from a bathroom hand dryer. It’s burning, it’s suffocating, it’s too hot to handle.
But guess what: there is a solution. That’s right, Drippy Drew, just toss a Coke in the freezer, let it chill right up, and enjoy a superfrosty slurp when it comes out.
That’s right, if you time it right, then when you yank the can out of the freezer it should immediately get wet with slippery cold condensation. Then it chills your hand and cools you right down, too. And hey, if you’re feeling bold at this point, feel free to treat it like an ice pack and rub it all over your forehead and neck for good measure. And then, when you’re ready, pull back that tab and listen for that sweet sound of cool relief.
As you take that first freezing cold sip be sure to notice the tiny little ice crystals swimming in the sea of cola, melting like frozen pebbles from heaven in your disgustingly humid mouth.
Yes, for those who reach this level of Carbonated Nirvana, there is really only one thing to say: you have truly lived. With your T-shirt sweatglued to your back and and your sticky hair matted to your forehead, those freeze-crystals just swim around your mouth and slap your senses. Suddenly you’re enjoying a sugar high, feeling those fizzy vibes, and enjoying that crystal cool sensation of ice bits melting all over the place inside of your face.