First, there is nothing.

You mindlessly walk into the Sea of Cars from the mall and start tapping your remote over and over and over again into quiet and silent night. Foggy memories of parking near the pizza smell by the back slowly hit you and you groggily stumble forward like a zombie … deeper and deeper into the concrete bowels of the lot. Yes, wedged between door handles and tailpipes you’re a Parking Lot Disaster until — suddenly! You hear it! Getting closer!

Be-beep.

Be-beep.

Be-beep.

Be-beep.

Be-beep!

Be-beep!

AWESOME!

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh —

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AWESOME!

My friend Ago got excited.

We were hanging out after work the other day and he started going on and on about how the previous owners of his new house had planted perennial flowers. “They just popped outta the ground,” he said, completely astonished, eyes popping wide like a giant squid. “It was like magic.”

He and his wife Nat gazed upon the earthy brown patch outside their home every day and started enjoying the random mish-mash garden that bloomed straight up out of it. “It was like a free garden,” he said to me, jaw dropped, tongue hanging out like an eager puppy. “No money!”

And he does have a point.

After all, if you’ve ever moved into a new place you know how empty it seems when you get there — old mothballs in the closet, cobwebs where the couch was, rock-hard baking soda in the fridge, that’s all you got.

But someone was there before and it was a home before it was your home. So it’s fun to stop and think: Who used to live here? What did they do? Did they have kids? And hot water problems, too?

Plants and flowers left behind form a loose connection between everyone who ever lives in the same place. They’re little notes scratched between yesterday and tomorrow’s tenants connecting us all through maple trees, sharp shrubs, and whatever comes out of the garden in the spring.

So when you’re moving take your dining room table, take your tube TV, and take your rusty drive. But make sure you leave something good growing in the garden … make sure you leave a little hello and high five.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here and here

It’s like finding a secret button that gives you complete control over your furry friend.

Just scratch once for

AWESOME!

It’s time for open egg surgery.

Sure, maybe you didn’t make it in med school, but now’s your chance to tenderly crack open the egg skull and reveal the soft white brain below. After you successfully remove a giant chunk all at once make sure to delicately leave it on the plate before holding the egg under a light to examine it for shell dust particles.

All eyes are on you in the operating room theater of your kitchen.

Get crackin’.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

That pesky mosquito.

Did you know those jabby jerks are responsible for more deaths on earth than any other creature? It’s true, homes. With millions of people getting malaria every year they’re bringing us all down, down, down. And they look so innocent too! Why, I almost feel sorry for them with their tiny lives, terrible hangouts by dumpy ponds, and their plain unluckiness when it comes to getting caught in slow-flowing amber back in the Jurassic.

Now it’s getting to be prime season for skeeters up here and those buzzy bullies are always zzz-zzz-zzz’ing in my ears. Sometimes they’ll land and jab their stingers into my arm before I notice I’m getting blood sucked good. In the words of Stephanie Tanner — how rude.

The fun really starts when I get home from the dimly lit patio and end up covered in an itchy patch of bright red dots. Cut to the annoying Five Day Scratchfest where instead of buying calamine lotion, wearing oven mitts, or soaking in bath salts, I choose instead to furiously scratch those itches over and over.

Because who doesn’t love that?

Yes, I say gimme that soothing one second relief from the mild burn in exchange for the fiery reburn any day. Because holding out is just too difficult and taking a little break from itchiness feels like standing straight under Niagara Falls.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here and here

It haunts you on every turn.

The muted thump of that half-filled water bottle, grass-stained golf ball, or pair of skates clanging against the side of your trunk. And you think it’s annoying, and you think you’ll get rid of it, but when you arrive at your destination it’s suddenly about getting out, getting in, and getting it tomorrow.

That’s what makes it great when the glorious day finally comes.

When you clean out the trunk and it sounds like

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

Thank you for being a friend.

When you’re crashing into the couch in the cold basement and flicking on the TV screen there’s nothing as nice as being surrounded by your favorite pals in familiar places. And while we’ve chatted before about finding gold there’s also something great about  bumping into the Christmas special in the completely wrong time of the year.

Whether Kevin’s got to find a Christmas gift for Winnie, George battles his Festivus demons, or the Tanner family gets stranded at the airport on Christmas eve, well… it’s a surprise dose of Christmas spirit sprinkled into the middle of your year.

Those Christmas specials usually feature the full cast of characters, surprise music interludes, and huggy closing scenes that zoom out to snowflakes falling past frosty windows and flickering red lights strung across rooftops. Christmas episodes remind us where we were when we first saw them and give us surprise doses of holiday family values right when we least expect it.

Christmas episode, your heart is true.

You’re a pal and a confidant.

AWESOME!

Have you ever ruled a planet?

Me, no. But I’ve wanted to! Wouldn’t it be fun? We could all have our own. We’d be like celebrities buying up tiny islands in the middle of the ocean. Only with planets in the middle of the universe. Perhaps if Science actually got off its ass and invented some decent space and time travel our dreams could become a reality. Then having your own planet will be like the Tamagotchi of the 22nd century.

See, it doesn’t happen that often but whenever I fly over mountains in an airplane I sort of feel like the Ruler of Earth. Zooming through clear blue skies I stare down at rocky vistas and snow-capped peaks in dazed wonder. Frost freckles on the window and steamy clouds blur my view, but nothing keeps me from staring and staring and staring and staring into the icy abyss below.

It’s trippy to let your brain slip back into neverending question mode: How long have the mountains been there? How did they get there? How many places like this are there? And how long would I survive down there before being eaten by that Abominable Snowman from the Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer Christmas special?

Just kidding about that last one.

He was a friendly snowman, remember?

Yes, flying over mountains reminds us all how tiny and fragile our lives really are. Because you’re dead soon, buddy! And brother, so am I. But when we’re flying way up high through that great big blue-black sky it’s like our dreams and our dreaming just survive and survive and survive.

AWESOME!

Photos from: my cell phone, here, and here

When your groggy groans are met with head nods and smiles it means only one thing.

You two are on the same wavelength.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here