#882 A good floss after a tough steak

Molars beware

How bad was the first steak you ever made?

I hope it was better than the charred shoe I served for dinner after a good forty minutes of grilling. Needless to say, I made sure there wasn’t anything too raw in there. Nothing too tasty, either.

Of course, the worst part about a tough steak is how it haunts you for the rest of the evening in the form of tough, stringy bits of beef wedged tightly between all your teeth. No matter how hard you twist and turn your tongue to get them, they just ain’t moving.

That’s when you have to bring in the big guy. Yes, that beautiful pack of floss should do the job just fine, thank you very much. Just pull out a piece, snap it off, and get down to business. Flecks of chewed up beefbits fly in all directions, finding new homes on the mirror and in the corners of your bathroom floor.

And that’s pretty much that.

Ladies and gentlemen, a good floss after a tough steak!

AWESOME!

Dinner's on me

Photos from: here, and here

Read More

#883 Ugly actors

Props to ugly actors.

These wrinkly, crinkly stars of the screen made it up through a system that values looks and beauty and they did it on raw talent alone. Yes, ugly actors shine bright as a beacon of hope to any of us with bushy eyebrows, gap teeth, or big, crooked noses. They show us the power of doing what you love, even if the system says you don’t qualify. So let’s recognize some of the best of the best:

In his defense, no one's armpits look that great

#12 John C. Reilly. It’s refreshing is to see that belly pudge and ungroomed armpit hair. You keep your tabloid cover shots of David Beckham running shirtless on the beach with a perfect six-pack. We’ll keep John C. Reilly and his silent approval of our sagging man-boobs and copious love handles.

A face only Hermione could love#11 Rupert Grint aka Ron Weasley. Rupert makes us all feel a bit better about that awkward elementary school picture in the back of the closet.

Morpheus without the cape and guns#10 Laurence Fishburne. If you’re like me, and you’re stuck with gap teeth because you never got braces, then you look up to Laurence Fishburne. Because who says you have to have perfect teeth, anyway?

Possibly Mr. Perfect's mother#9 Rhea Perlman. Kudos to Rhea Perlman for bringing bad hair days out of the closet. Next time you feel ugly because your hair gets frizzy, you’re hit with some rain hair, or it’s dandruff season and you’re calling for snow, just remember that Rhea Perlman had a bad hair decade. So you’ll be fine.

Benecio, you make us feel normal

#8 Benecio Del Toro. When you wake up sore and groggy at noon on a Saturday with a splitting hangover and big, black bags under your eyes, just look in the mirror and say “This face could win an Academy Award.” Thanks, Benecio.

A face only Rhea Perlman could love

#7 Danny Devito. How many people shave their entire head the moment they start going bald? It’s like they’re saying “What? Who’s going bald? Not me, I’m just suddenly into shaving my head every day, that’s all.” It’s so common that Danny Devito deserves a big high ten for embracing the chrome dome. Also, he is short.

The Beast with a goatee#6 Ron Perlman. Getting cast as Hellboy and The Beast in Beauty and the Beast is a bit of a mixed blessing. On one hand, hey, great gigs. But on the other hand, you’re playing a beast and a giant, red superhero. It’s only slightly worse than playing The Phantom of The Opera, Ugly Betty, Charlize Theron in Monster, or Darth Vader when he takes off his mask. So kudos to Ron for taking on some brave roles. You teach us courage.

Momma#5 Anne Ramsey. Guess there was a reason they threw this momma from the train.

No comment#4 Paris Hilton. Next time you fall asleep in the tanning bed, or take a little nap with your head in a sinkful of Clorox, just relax. Don’t even worry about it. It’s not a big deal.

Bed head at its finest#3 Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Ever grow one of those nasty, shaggy, out of control beards? The kind that gets soup all over it when you’re eating and scratches your girlfriend’s chin when you kiss? The kind that gets you kicked out of convenience stores and frisked a little extra at airport security? Well, Phillip Seymour Hoffman is proof that it is possible to have one of those beards and still be successful. Good on him.

Smile like you mean it#2 Steve Buscemi. What a great, great, great, great actor.

#1 Christopher Walken. The greatest thing about Christopher Walken is that he doesn’t try to gloss things up, No, he just lets the skunk-hawk fly up top and makes no attempt to apologize for wrinkles or spots. We can learn a lot from him.

chris-walkenSeriously though, ugly actors make this world a great place. They remind us that dreaming big can pay off and there is some justice in the world, no matter what you look like. Because let’s face it: most of us are a bit insecure about our bodies. It’s normal to pinch your belly fat, cover up your acne scars, and pluck your unibrow. But ugly actors say “Hey … it’s okay, friend”, because at the end of the day we’re pretty much the same and it doesn’t really matter what you look like.

And for that they are truly

AWESOME!

Pre-order The Book of Awesome

37_uglyactors

Photos from: here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here

Illustration from: here

Read More

#884 A plunger when you really need one

Freedom

If you feel that loose toilet chain jiggle around or that low-flow toilet flush sort of spit, sputter, and die, then I’m telling you man: it’s bad news. Before you know it you’ve got Toilet Chaos on your hands — the bowl starts filling up instead of filling down, and your chocolate milkshake threatens to spill out onto the floor.

Now picture this happening in the bathroom stall at work, the first time you’re at the in-law’s house, or late at night at a date’s apartment after a romantic dinner.

What I’m trying to say is that it can happen anywhere, anytime, anyplace. You will never be ready. Remember: the clogged toilet bowl doesn’t care who you are or where you’re from. No, it strikes mercilessly, without emotion, when you least expect it. Sort of like that guy from No Country For Old Men. The tall, emotionless, mercilessly-striking one.

the-personification-of-a-plugged-toiletAnyway, when this happens to you, and if it hasn’t yet, it will, then there’s only one thing you can do to fight back. No, don’t lay out paper towels on the floor, don’t search desperately for the water turnoff, and don’t just stare hypnotically into the brown, swirling solar system, hoping and praying it will stop before it hits the top.

Don’t do any of that.

Just pull out a plunger and pump it right on in there. Pump and pump and pump some more, because that beautiful little hunk of rubber on a stick has no moving parts and will work like a charm. Once you get her going, she’ll have the toilet burping like a baby in no time.

Then the flush will kick into high gear, the toilet will swallow everything up, and you can quietly slip out of the bathroom and get back to your evening as if nothing happened. And as you finish your dinner, relax on the couch, or settle back into your cubicle, you can look up at the ceiling, smirk a little, and say “Thanks, plunger, for being there when I really needed you.”

AWESOME!

chocolate-milkshake

Photos from: here, here, and here

Read More

#885 Paying for something with exact change

get-rid-of-itFeel this pain: You’re a cashier in a busy store at holiday season.

Now, say you’re good at your job and you’ve been there a while. You’ve long memorized the produce codes and you bag like a champion. You’re keeping up with the traffic, whipping customer after customer through the till in no time flat. You’re rocking the credit cards, you’re rocking the debit cards, and your line is the most sought-after line at the store.

Yes, it seems like nothing can stop you. You are Cashatron, a top-secret, beta-version prototype of the world’s most highly efficient cashier.

And if you’ve been there before, if you’ve ever cashed and cashed hard, if you’ve lived the cash life and have the varicose veins to prove it, then you know what I’m talking about. And you also know the one thing that can trip you up. Yes, you know the stick in the bike spokes for a veteran cashier is simply …

… running out of change.

empty-those-pockets1It happens all of a sudden, too. One moment you’re whipping through the line and then suddenly you stare up at a customer and apologize profusely as you awkwardly dump two handfuls of sweaty coins into their hands. You look back at the long line and just hope somebody else opens up a lane while you wait for change to arrive. It’s a terrible feeling. And it makes us ol’ cashing veterans shudder just thinking about it.

And that’s why it’s so great for cashiers when someone pays with exact change. And as an added bonus, customers get to empty their pockets and lighten their loads. Yes, it’s a win-win situation.

Plus, there’s a Bonus Round, too! That’s when you pay for something with exact change … with every single coin you have in your pocket. I’m talking about when you have seven coins in your pocket that add up to 74 cents and the bill comes to $5.74. Nope, no breaking a ten for you, because you just won the bonus round jackpot.

Now, this bonus round is pretty rare, but a big hit for everybody whenever it happens. How excited are you when you realize you pulled it off? For a moment it’s sort of like you beat the currency system. No more change for you, Changeless Wonder! Now you’re all bills, all the time, just rocking the sidewalk with those light, empty pockets.

And how does that make you feel?

AWESOME!

Photos from: here and here

Read More

#887 Talking about how much the meal you’re eating at home would cost at a restaurant

twenty-thirty-bucks-at-least1It all starts with a recipe downloaded off the Internet.

Then there’s the new item on the grocery store shopping list, the big soup pot or fancy barbecue tools you haven’t used in a while, and about an hour of commotion in the kitchen.

Finally everyone takes a seat and out pops a steaming slab of lasagna or some glistening T-bone steaks with fancy side dishes. And as drinks are poured, plates are filled, and everyone starts digging into the meal, somebody lobs up the big question.

“Hey, what do you think this would cost in a restaurant?”

And it’s a great conversation, because now in addition to the feeling of eating good food with friends or family, you get a nice little bonus Cheapskate High, too.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

Read More

#888 Peeing in a pool

take-a-dip1Okay, admit it.

You’ve done it, I’ve done it, we’ve all done it together.

And sure, peeing in the pool is a bit of a social faux pas, but dang girl, it sure feels good, doesn’t it? After all:

  • Mini hot-tub. You get that classic hot cloud effect, where suddenly there’s a nice warm water-diaper hanging around you. Yeah, yeah, it’s gross, but don’t worry. It’s sterile.
  • Feel that drain. Because holding it in isn’t good for you, either. So just let it out, let your bladder relax, and enjoy the feeling.
  • It’s a secret. Unless you tell others, of course, which isn’t recommended. But there’s something sweet about keeping this one real quiet. Especially because the pool’s probably half urine, anyway. Admitting you just peed will result in everyone else admitting they peed, too.

Now, peeing in a lake is a decent alternative, but without the big dose of chlorine you might actually get someone sick if they go under and swallow a mouthful. And that just really wouldn’t be funny.

No, it wouldn’t be funny at all.

AWESOME!

garden-hose

Photo from: here and here

Read More

#889 The sound of a solid crack from a good break in billiards

You can just hear it

I am a terrible pool player.

Yet, despite this, whenever someone at a bar asks me to play against them or be their partner, I’m like sure, yeah, I’m totally in.

I mean, I’m having a good time, I’m in a good mood, so I sort of tipsily swagger over to the cue rack on the wall and pretend to be sizing them up. “Oh man, all the good ones are gone,” I always say extremely loudly, my eyes darting around at the other players with a sad little “Yeah, it’s true,” head nod, being careful to plant seeds of disappointment early so nobody expects me to actually sink a ball.

Chalk that cue

After that, I begin a desperate search for chalk. “Gotta have some chalk, gotta have some chalk,” I’ll mumble, as I walk in circles around the pool table, looking underneath it and in all the pockets until I find some. And when I do, I really go to town. Honestly, I rub my pool cue in that chalk and twist it around tightly, and then I flare the edges to cover up all the missed spots.

If all goes according to plan, I’ll keep chalking my cue until somebody breaks. The goal here is to avoid eye contact until the game starts, because otherwise I might be asked to break, and that’s never a pretty sight.

No, the four or five times I’ve foolishly agreed to kick-off the game end up embarrassing everyone involved. I’ll generally skid the cue off the side of the cueball, sending it wildly spinning directly into a side pocket. Or I’ll get under the ball by accident and send it flying across the bar, where it’ll softly roll up against the boot of some pony-tailed, tattooed biker dude, who will then shoot me a cold, piercing stare and begin punching his fist into his palm.

8-ballNo, it’s better for everyone if I avoid the break. Frankly, I shouldn’t even be playing.

But what I will do if I can is peek up from my obsessive chalking just before the break, so I can watch the break, because I love the break, because the break is great. I mean, it’s an explosive crack that rises above the background bar buzz, and captures everyone’s attention as the balls fly in all directions.

Yes, the sound of a solid crack from a good break in billiards is the sound of a good fifteen to twenty minutes of fun getting started. And it’s the sound of people enjoying themselves with a couple of drinks, some good friends, and a great night.

And that sounds a lot like

AWESOME!

Even that girl playing on the chair is better than me

Photos from: here, here, here, and here

Read More

#890 Really, really tall people

You can just feel that back pain

They’re tall and there’s nothing they can do about it except learn to live with their crazy tallness. For this reason, we respect them and think they’re cool.

If you’re really, really tall, you feel it, because this is your life:

Everyone hates you at movies and concerts. Sure, you get a decent sightline, but at what price? Everybody in the room resents you and you have to put up with constant shuffling behind you and people saying things like “Oh great, I’m stuck behind Stilts here.”

Guaranteed back pain. Duck into a car and lean over to tie your shoes enough times and you’ll eventually score some sharp, shooting pains in that lower lumbar.

Hard to date people. Well, not hard, but complicated. I mean, would you date someone really, really tall? If not, you see the problem here.

Size 'em up You are forced to play basketball. Doesn’t matter if you like it, doesn’t matter if you don’t — you just have to play. Also, if you’re no good, you’ll never hear the end of it, and if you are good, people will say it’s just because you’re really, really tall.

People always want you to get stuff from the top shelf. And guess what else you get when you pull down that giant soup pot nobody’s used in two years? That’s right: a big faceful of dust, that’s what. Hope you’re not allergic.

You’re always hitting your head on everything. If you’re really, really tall, you know what I mean, because your skull is full of spider cracks from chandeliers, basement stairwells, and overhead bins on airplanes.

Life is more expensive. Because raiseable desks, extra-long pants, and King-sized mattresses aren’t cheap, bro. You know that and I know that.

It really is a tough life.

So next time you see a really, really tall person, break out the empathy. Remember: they’re tall and there’s nothing they can do except learn to live with their crazy tallness. In this upside-down and inside-out world, that’s worth something. So throw them a smile and a nod, a solid high-ten, or just some quiet respect.

AWESOME!

too-tall-for-this-door

Photos from: here, here, and here

Read More

#891 Bowling celebrations

Style points

Because let’s be honest: most people are pretty stinking awful at rolling a ball the size and weight of a human head perfectly straight down a sixty-foot lane. There are gutters on both sides, you’re slipping around in torn-up shoes that look like they’ve been through a war and a washing machine, and every time you go up for a toss you’re in the spotlight, up on stage, with critical eyes piercing holes in your back, watching your every move.

Yeah, it’s pressure all right.

But that’s what makes it so great when you do finally pick up that perfect spare or hit a big ten-pen knockdown in the final frame. Because that’s when it’s time for a bowling celebration — ideally featuring several of the following:

1. The Stage Dance. Hey, you’re up on stage so why not throw out a couple of moves? Perhaps the famous Hulk Hogan ear-cup, the invisible hula-hoop, or the Tiger Woods fist-pump? If all else fails you can do the moonwalk back down to your seat. Not a terrible choice.

2. The Celebrity. Pretty self-explanatory. The paparazzi loves you and you love them back, only without the paparazzi.

You love them back

3. The All-Business Around-The-World High Five. This can happen when you have around ten hands to slap. There are just so many hands — so your eyes narrow, your eyebrows crunch, and your tongue fixes itself on your top lip as you focus on nailing every single high five offered to you. You don’t miss a slap. Yes, you’re all business around the world.

4. The Overly Exaggerated Jump. Always a fan-favorite. But watch out for that greasy floor and those all-skid shoes.

5. The Friendly Stranger. This is where a casual stranger who has been keeping a passive eye on your game suddenly leaves his lane and jumps into your bowling celebration. The Friendly Stranger can be awkward, but it does give your sweet roll some extra lane cred.

Now, whatever your style, it’s important to remember that once you hit down some pins, it’s all about the bowling celebration. You can do no wrong at this point, so just relax and do a little dance. Make a little love. And get down tonight.

Get down tonight.

AWESOME!

Hulkamania running wild all over Leisure Lanes 10-Pin Saturday Night Rock n' Bowl

Photos from: here, here, and here

Read More