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“No, no, I’m good…”

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AWESOME!

Well, well, well.

Look at you living life in the fire lane.

Yes, you came, you parked, you went over time, and you know it.

Now you’re scrambling out of the laundromat with a teetery stack of folded towels, racing out of the barber shop with a a freshly shorn neck, or running out of the arcades with severe Pac Man wrist and pizza grease on your face.

As you race up the street you can’t help braincloud the worst case scenario waiting for you: ticket blowing under wipers, heavy fine hitting your pocket, and a frumpy meter maid pursing her lips and wagging her finger at you while shaking her head.

When you get to the car you see the telltale signs: zeros flashing on the meter, tow trucks prowling the alleys, and those maids swimming upstreet like uniformed sharks with pens, pads, and perms. But as you examine your windshield you notice one big thing missing: the parking ticket itself.

Brother, there is no time for questions. Just double scan that windshield, crank your car into drive, and hit the gas to zoom fast and zoom furious straight outta town.

You made it.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

Maybe you’re running on the treadmill when you catch the clock tick past the middle of your sweaty jog. Maybe you’re reading late at night and notice you’re on the middle page where the left and right sides form one big rectangle of paper. Or maybe you’re on a long Sunday drive to visit a hometown friend when you pass that rusty gas station halfway down the highway.

Yes, it sure is sweet making it halfway anywhere. It means you got started, you gave it a shot, and now you’re doing it, baby.

When you make it halfway take a moment to smile and enjoy where you’re at. Because sure, there’s a lot in that rearview mirror, but there’s so much around the bend, too.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here and here

You can do it.

Motor around filling your basket with food before spying the checkouts and picking your poison. Here’s five tips for living life in the fast lane:

5. Skip your greens. Keep away from shopping carts full of strange produce. Anyone with little bags of cilantro or parsley is a guaranteed slowdown because they’ll force cashiers to look up produce codes.

4. Saving spaces, angry faces. Watch out for the single guy holding a box of aluminum foil. Sure, he may look like a quick checkout but he might be a spot-saver for a big-wheeling partner who’s about to cruise around the corner with a fat cart stuffed with frozen food. If he’s glancing around nervously, avoid the line.

3. Bag the bagger. I hate to break it to you but you’re terrible at bagging. Sorry, but look at you — wedging frozen peas beside fresh bread, setting potatoes on eggs, making one bag really heavy and one bag really light. No, you’ve got to leave bagging to the pros. Since some lines have baggers and some don’t make sure you pick one with a helper to get the job done right.

2. Take a flyer on the flyer. Customers holding dog-eared flyers are probably going to ask questions, try to get a rain check, or slowly tear out all the coupons. Just remember this handy phrase: Flyer in tow? That line is slow. Amen, sing it your mama.

1. Mo’ cashiers, mo’ problems. While scoping baggers make sure you scope cashiers, too. Keep your eyes peeled for quick hands, firm credit card swiping, and purposeful change drawer slamming. Avoid any lane with two cashiers because one of them is in Training Wheel Mode. Support their development silently and catch them next month when they’ve learned how to double bag.

Yes, picking the fastest moving line at the grocery store is such a great high. When you get it right you’re like the undercover cop of the store — spying customers, eyeballing cashiers, and then swooping in smartly to get the job done in style.

You’re all class all the time, baby.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here, here, and here

Let the grease glisten, mayo drip, and soda fizz.

Here are three ways to make the magic happen:

1. Veggie Validation. My friend Mike is king of this hilarious move. “Gotta get my greens,” he’ll say, while chomping dill pickles on the couch playing video games. “Carrots are good for you,” he’ll smile, while licking thick cream cheese icing off a moist brick of carrot cake. Remember: Anything with vegetables in it fully qualifies as potentially healthy. Now go relax and enjoy some sweet pumpkin pie with a side of onion rings.

2. Dumbbell Defense. On the rare mornings I venture to the gym for a half-dozen situps and some stretching in sweatpants, I always end up eating a tipsy mountain of nachos for dinner later in the day. “No worries,” I’ll think with cheese-greasy fingers and salsa dripping down my chin, “I totally worked this off already.”

3. Vacation Breakin’. When you go on holidays it’s fun to free your stomach from the shackles of the kitchen. Slip into shades and shorts and start breaking the rules in the slow lane. Remember: getting away from it all means putting your feet up and having a third sundae.

Yes, fully justifying whatever terrible thing you’re eating is a beautiful eyes-wide moment of taste-based wonder. It’s great ditching the guilt once in a while to enjoy a crispy-skinned wiener on the sidewalk or a drippy quarter pounder after the bars on Friday night.

People, we ain’t spinning on this rock too long so let’s all remember to relax and just enjoy the extra scoop.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here, here, here and here

Postpone the pop quiz, torpedo that test, and forget about a tough math lesson today.

No, now’s the time when energy bolts blast through brains as everybody revs up for forty-five minutes of whispering, passing notes, and tossing paper airplanes.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

Everybody loves a good snooze.

That’s where you groggily dive back into the sleepy underworld for a few more minutes of lazy-boned bliss before waking up to get your day on. It’s even better when you tap the snooze button with a bit of acrobatic showmanship that keeps you dreaming before your wide-awake self invades the place.

Here’s how to keep on snoozing in the free world:

1. The Blindfold. You’ve long memorized the shape and location of your snooze button, so when it starts buzzing you don’t even open your eyes. Nope, you just fumble until you find it and kick back for nine more minutes of heaven.

2. The Behind The Back. Here’s where you’re facing away from the alarm clock when it starts ringing, but instead of flipping right over you casually toss your arm in the air and reach backwards until you find the snooze. Also known as the Reverse Angle Shoulder Twist.

3. The Outsource. Perhaps your clock starts buzzing as your boyfriend is hopping around putting his pants on or while your sister’s knocking on the door trying to wake you up. Either way, you outsource your snoozing to them with a cute and groggy “Mmmnnn … can you hit … button.”  Of course, their payment for doing the job is that soft and slow eyes-closed smile curling onto your face as you fade out.

4. The Toe Tap. You’ve been tossing and turning all night and now you’ve got the Toe Vent going in a perfect spot to use your foot to tap the button. If you manage to avoid knocking over your glass of water or accidentally kick your alarm clock to the floor, this can be a stunningly beautiful move.

Yes, pulling off an acrobatic snooze makes you feel like a trapeze artist way up inside a big tent at the roaring climax of the circus. Sweat drips down your forehead and onto your tight white unitard as you stare with steady eyes at your wide-eyed partner swinging towards you. Suddenly you bend your knees and jump high and wide into their open arms before quickly locking and soaring breathless over all the bright lights below…

Elephants trumpet, lions roar, and jaws drop as  you somersault with a smile way, way up in the darkness. The ringmaster points his cane up at you and screams while thundering applause rains down.

Snooze for the moment. Snooze for the memories.

Snooze for your life.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here and here

This is known as The Funrise.

Chatty buzz fills office cubicles, laughs echo down high school halls, and the clock ticks a little bit faster as we all smile and get ready for a couple big days of

AWESOME!

Photos from: here

Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap.

You’re late.

Racing, running, rushing, you’re checking your watch and picturing your friend tapping their foot and rolling their eyes while waiting for you.

That’s why it’s great when you arrive hot, sweaty, and breathless just before they rush around the corner hot, sweaty, and breathless, too.

Now no one has to feel bad.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

Blast off.

Getting a six-foot liftoff when you’re two feet tall shoots you straight into the stratosphere. Suddenly you’re riding your own personal human in a bumpy living room safari in the clouds. Your diaper-padded ass bounces safely on sturdy shoulders as you giggle and grab fistfuls of hair and glasses while gazing down at the tiny toy-covered world you thought you knew.

Yes, your baby brain zooms out and gives a sneak peek of the big world you’re about to discover: riding wobbly bikes and skinning your knees at distant playgrounds, cruising around after curfew with fresh drivers licenses, and staring out tiny airplane windows at distant crisscrossed patches of your hometown.

Look back on those blurry shoulder rides in those jungle backyards and remember the rushing gushing feeling of going way up, staring way down, opening your eyes, and opening your mind…

AWESOME!

Photos from: here and here