Hey, since when are teeth supposed to be beaming white, shining like little flashlights whenever somebody laughs or smiles?
The way it’s been lately with the whitening strips, gels, gums, and toothpastes, the baking soda this, the dental bleaching that, well it almost seems like Having Bright White Teeth is becoming another mandatory personal hygiene norm, landing in the pile with a hollow clank alongside showering every day, wearing deodorant, and flushing the toilet when you only did Number One.
So to that I say: Wait! Let’s just settle down and calmly rethink this whole situation before it gets out of hand. We haven’t checked the box and stamped approved on the application just yet, so people, there’s still time. We can reject unnaturally white teeth and go back to the way things were.
Yes, I’m talking about the yellow teeth of your youth, the au natural teeth, the teeth you grew up with, the modest aw shucks pearly yellows of Joe Everyman and Jane Everylady. We can still embrace the teeth that get stained with coffee and smoke and spaghetti sauce and Indian food. The teeth that love us no matter who we are or what we eat.
If you aren’t yet picking up what I’m putting down, then I’ve got just one more reason to love yellow teeth again: cause white teeth hurt. I’m talking hot and cold sensitivity, weakened enamel, and receding gum lines. Girl, it ain’t pretty. Don’t get messed up and addicted to the whitening stuff. No, we like having you around. Nobody wants to find you sprawled face-down on a stained motel room carpet, little squeezed-out packs of Crest Whitestrips laying all over the floor.
So come with me, back to the world where teeth are yellow. The way they were meant to be. And hey, next time someone comes up to you, points you square in the mouth, and says “Buddy, your teeth are yellow!”, just smile, look them square in the eye, and say, “Why yes, yes they are. And you know what? I think that’s alllllllllright.”
AWESOME!
29 Comments
August 16, 2008 at 5:56 am
As a man who has recently been receiving increasingly vicious and worrying letters from his dentist (“why you no come get-a your teeth clean?” He’s Italian), this post warms the heart. Honest, it does.
I love this blog for making me feel better about myself.
September 28, 2009 at 8:24 am
As a man who is Italian and have been reading your worryingly prejudicial comment (‘As a man who has been receiving…’ what are you?!), this post still warms my heart. But honestly you’re an arse.
Fell better about yourself and leave the Italians alone.
November 15, 2009 at 8:18 pm
it wasnt prejudical at all, i think you’re slightly over-sensitive
December 21, 2009 at 7:25 pm
I’m Italian. It didn’t bother me. I thought it was funny.
November 18, 2009 at 9:08 pm
if you take care of your teeth properly you still shouldnt have yellow teeth…
August 18, 2008 at 6:54 pm
Awesome article! I totally agree with you! People shouldn’t be obsessed. I brush my teeth twice a day and do some Listerine along side that. I’ll never touch that teeth whitener crap. My teeth are already naturally sensitive. :/
August 19, 2008 at 11:58 am
Do you know who has delightfully yellow teeth? Ron MacLean! I noticed while watching olympic coverage in HD. They’re not even straight, either!
October 27, 2008 at 1:20 am
Unperfect teeth add character :-)
I much prefer natural color and alignment over perfectly-straightened-and-whitened teeth.
October 31, 2008 at 7:56 pm
My teeth suck. I suck my teeth because there may be some food left between them. There yellow cos I some shitty cigars. And I love it that way
December 2, 2008 at 12:03 am
[...] you never got braces, then you look up to Laurence Fishburne. Because who says you have to have perfect teeth, [...]
December 16, 2008 at 10:15 pm
I have one tooth that sticks out of my mouth when I try to smile :(
February 2, 2009 at 3:02 am
My teeth are fake and yellow. I got it worse than anyone ha.
March 24, 2009 at 4:22 pm
I like people who leave their teeth the way they are naturally(except those who have to have dentures that’s not their choice) I don’t use bleaching crap and all that jazz. I brush my teeth daily. Granted they are not celebrity pearl white but I like them the way they are. And so does my dentist :)
May 3, 2009 at 7:54 am
Yuck, really yellowed teeth are nasty, but white teeth are even worse. Naturally yellowed teeth that aren’t shining white, yet they’re still not yellowed and disgusting, that’s nice. I mean AWESOME.
May 5, 2009 at 9:33 pm
Hear… hear…
Obviously for one’s state of mind or spirit, taking care and precautions to ensure the best version of you, but when authenticity is compromised, as with anything, it’s just an obvious outward sign of hyper insecurity.
Like a huge zit caked with foundation I can not take my eyes off apair of fake boobs, or a pair of bright white perfectly shaped railings, (translation: teeth)
August 11, 2009 at 1:59 am
haha, this is a funny take on teeth whitening. I, for one, am all for having white teeth, but only if you achieve this goal using natural methods. No dental bleaching for me!
August 25, 2009 at 12:21 am
I also think that all these so called teeth whitening products ceratinly have side effects. so it is better to keep the teeth white using natural methods.
November 19, 2009 at 4:45 am
I have a chip in one of my crooked, front teeth.
sometimes, i think it’s pretty awesome.
December 15, 2009 at 8:49 am
I have perfect teeth thanks to braces but my other front tooth is chipped too. It’s a bit shorter that the other one. I love it, I’d never get it fixed.
December 15, 2009 at 5:15 am
ive been lookin for some good teeth whitening infomation thanks for pointing me in the right direction
December 17, 2009 at 7:41 pm
I HATE people with yellow teeth!! It grosses me out! EEEWE!! I wish I could have white teeth like the super stars!!!
February 7, 2010 at 10:37 pm
You HATE people with yellow teeth? How superficial are you?
December 23, 2009 at 1:53 pm
My teeth aren’t crooked, in fact they aren’t even that yellow. They’re not perfect but they have character. I really appreciate this post. :)
December 23, 2009 at 11:51 pm
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December 27, 2009 at 2:10 pm
Is there a certain Teeth whitening product that you could suggest that you suspect works great?
December 31, 2009 at 6:14 pm
white teeth, fake tans, plastic boobs, puffy lips from the doctor, = insecure people
February 7, 2010 at 10:39 pm
Agreed. Work with what you you have!
January 28, 2010 at 11:24 am
I don’t understand the comparison between having shiny white teeth (even using whitening strips) and having a fake tan or fake breasts. I can’t stand the sight of yellow teeth, and I’m not a shallow person. It’s a matter of hygiene for me; if someone has off-white teeth, it’s kind of a big turn-off.
January 30, 2010 at 3:56 pm
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