1000 Awesome Things

Ready, aim, fire.

After dumping piles of frozen pizzas and melting ice cream into your trunk it’s time to turn around and fire the shopping cart into the big pile on the other side of the lot. Sure, sure, you could always walk over, but there’s something much more satisfying about sending it flying thirty feet and having it loudly crash straight into the other carts.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

Congratulations, Superdresser.

You just saved twenty seconds of pushing that belt through your jeans tomorrow morning while bumbling around late for work.

Also applies to leaving your shoelaces tied up, keeping your undershirt in your hoodie, and sleeping with your watch on.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

Say goodbye.

Watch your high school pal slowly fade into the foggy shadows at the park after a long night catching up on the swings. Close the cab door on Grandma after the smoky bingo parlor clears out and watch her swerve down wet-slicked roads out of sight. Flick on the porch lights as your late-night college chat dissolves into dawn and your friends throw their hoodies on to shiver and slide their way home.

Brush your teeth, wash your face, check your watch … and wonder. You’re ready for bed but that feeling in your head makes you suddenly stop before slumber. You stare at the night, you flip on the light, and you worry with fright until —

The phone rings.

AWESOME!

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Once upon a time I ran a sandwich shop.

Yes, it was back in the early 00’s when I was a mayo-squirting kingpin working in the sticky, mustard-smeared sandwich underbelly. Surrounding me were a hodgepodge of acne-covered teenage longhairs who clocked in each day to slice tomatoes, chop green peppers, and fill paper cups right to the foamy brim.

Now, it was just a small shop in the corner of a dusty plaza in the suburbs and we had maybe a dozen folks on payroll, tops. As you can imagine, we got tight pretty quickly and little social norms started bubbling up — things like last one there gets the morning coffees, sobbing uncontrollably while chopping onions is completely acceptable, and everyone dresses up in full costume on Halloween.

Of course, by far and away the most popular house rule we developed was everyone gets their birthday off. It was pretty easy to schedule and the excitement leading up to those big days gave us all giddy little schoolkid highs.

Nope, we don’t get many birthdays on this spinny wet rock so let’s try to take them off.

AWESOME!

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They make everything.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

Get crackin’.

Groggy and sore with jagged bedhead and an achy back you shuffle to the kitchen in stained sweats and mindlessly flick on the stove. Next it’s time to pop open the fridge and squint into the bright light before snagging some butter and the egg carton so you can get down to business. After tossing some butter on the crusty frying pan you swig some OJ and pick at your eyes while waiting till everything starts melting and bubbling. As the coils glow red the soft scents of melted butter slowly swirl and steam around you and that’s when you know it’s time.

Break a leg, crack that egg, and let the simmering sizzling begin.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

Snap on the spandex, turn on the hose, and let’s get down to business.

Jumping through the sprinkler in your bathing suit is one of the greatest joys of childhood. Your backyard turns into a Waterpark as you pull off one of these classic moves:

1.The Original. Get the sprinkler sprinkling and motor at it full throttle before jumping as high as you can right through that wall of water. No fear.

2. The Gymnast. Flipping over the sprinkler with wobbly cartwheels or high-flying somersaults is an advanced move which may result in accidental wetface, separated shoulders, or spontaneous applause from the gallery.

3. The Leapfrog. Here’s where you convince your little brother or sister to stand beside the sprinkler and then run and jump over them. Careful, though — nobody likes a wet crotch to the back of the head.

4. The Spray Gun. Also known as having your big brother pick up the sprinkler and chase you around the yard while singing the Contra theme song.

5. The Slow Shower. This is when you stand still in one place with your eyes closed and let the water calmly hit your face. Also known as your Backyard Zen moment.

Of course, there are more, there are many more — after all, you could be jumping one of those rat-a-tat-tat sprinklers in the park or running along one of those misty green ones that look like a garden hose with pinholes in it. But no matter your style and no matter your taste, it’s always a beautiful moment of sparkly-eyed fun when you and your friends go outside under the sun to run around the sprinkler till the day is done.

AWESOME!

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You just about took a nude and soapy tumble into that slippery ceramic tub.

But then you didn’t.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

Bumping bumpers is a bummer.

Couple years ago my friend Allison was wheeling her rusty bucket into the library when she crashed into the parked car in front of her. When she got out to inspect the damage she noticed she’d put a big bruise on the other guy but came out clean herself. Worried, she went inside and found her victim before spending three weeks and almost a thousand bucks to finally straighten out his car and her conscience.

Now of course, wouldn’t you know it but a couple months later the same thing happened in reverse. Popping out of a grocery store holding a couple big bags of food, she noticed a big bump in her side door. Unfortunately, this time there was no note, no message, and no way to find out what happened so she unhappily shrugged and drove home in her classy new Dentmobile.

Allison’s sad tale is a reminder we’re always bumping things and we never really know which way they’ll turn out. Yes, whether you’re scraping side mirrors on the garage, knocking garbage cans over on Monday morning, or just kissing car doors in the parking lot, it’s always a heart-pounding moment until you scope the scene.

The moment just before you check out the damage is awful.

The moment just after you see there isn’t any is

AWESOME!

Photos from: here and here