#941 The Universal Fry-Sharing Policy

The Universal Fry-Sharing Policy states that if you are eating a meal with someone who ordered fries, and you didn’t order fries, you’re entitled to grab one of their fries and eat it just as it’s landing on the table as long as a) you ask first, b) you make eye contact with them and raise your eyebrows until they nod, or c) you just know them really well.

Also, since you’re getting first dibs on their sizzling stick-pile of delicious, hot, oily fries, it’s only fair that you purposefully avoid any obviously amazing fry in the pile. You know that really, really long McDonald’s fry sticking out of the box? Probably shouldn’t touch that. But the thin, crispy short ones, the oversalted ones, and the regular, limp n’ floppy ones? Those are all fair game, my friend. All fair game.

But be careful out there: The policy can be abused. Some people might start pecking away at the fry-pile then just start gaining momentum, unable to stop gorging themselves on your plate once they get started. They just keep testing the waters, pushing the envelope, snacking away until you move your plate out of reach or ask them politely how their food tastes. I’m serious, you need to watch out for these Gorgers, because they’ll dent your fry-pile if you’re not careful.

Stop! Thief!

Secondly, watch out for those diner plates that come with only a dozen fries. You know what I’m talking about. Those places that give you a small pile of thick, baked-potato-tasting fries, and that’s it. Those piles are off-limits! Sorry, but the Universal Fry-Sharing Policy simply does not cover extremely small piles of chunky-style fries. It would be too much to take one of those fries. The percentages just don’t work.

Finally, there is one Appendix to The Universal Fry-Sharing Policy. Conveniently, it is called Appendix One and it simply states that after somebody who ordered fries finishes their meal and pushes their leftover pile of dry, cold, ketchup-smeared fries into the center of the table the first dibs go to people who didn’t get fries. Second dibs go to those who already demolished a stack of them, but just want more. And third dibs go to the guy washing the dishes in the back.

So thanks, Universal Fry-Sharing Policy. Your existence is a win-win, balancing the tables by helping us fry guys trim down the calories and helping the “Can I substitute salad for fries?” folks enjoy some guilty pleasure while still meeting their Eatin’ Healthy goals.


Good form, solid execution.

Photos from: here, here, and here

36 thoughts on “#941 The Universal Fry-Sharing Policy

  1. Awesome indeed. I love the UF-SP. I live by it, and those around me know it, too and are afraid to question it in my presence.

    Alas, I must admit to taking the really long fry, and I’m also guilty of being a gorger.

  2. The UFSP is a standard when it comes to adult company. When children are at the table, especially young children, its like sitting at the table with Joey from “Friends”. Joey doesn’t share fries.

  3. I agree with this entirely. The worst, though, is when you are with someone you know really well and before ordering that person suggests that s/he and I share an order of fries. I have to bite the inside of my mouth to keep myself from mentally counting if that other person has had more fries than I have had!

  4. I enjoy this. Fries are serious business in our house, if one of my older sisters took me to get fast food when we were younger we had a rule that we couldn’t open the bag until we got home, so that no one ended up with the smaller fries! And when McD’s has fresh fries, we regard it as a true blessing from God!

    It does bring back some horrific memories of the time I had major ankle surgeries a few years ago and was bedbound nearly a year. When I was up for fast food my mom never minded bringing me some. I kept getting bags of fries that were only half full, and it took me awhile to realize that my own mother was stealing my fries on the drive home! Why didn’t she just get her own order!? Taking food from your sick kid–sheesh, I’m still bitter about all my missed fries! :-)

  5. Let us not forget the Fry-Tax.
    If I am bringing your fries to the table I may eat as many as I feel won’t make it obvious I ate your fries. No asking and if you catch me I can just yell fry tax and all is forgiven!

  6. I love it when you get an absolutely PERFECT box of fries. Not a box of those limp and floppy, half cooked ones, but a whole box of golden, crispy, salty, cooked-to-perfection fries…

    … AWESOME!

  7. Really, I like the limp n floppy ones the best! The long n crispy ones are great too, but the soft, comforting potato sensation of the floppy fry is something i treasure…

  8. the other day i was out to dinner, and my friend ordered a coke, but i just got a water. i don’t like to drink soda with meals, but i desperately wanted just one sip of that coke. i asked her, and she said she didn’t believe in sharing drinks. free refills, i wasn’t sick, and we’re roommates so it’s not like we don’t get each other’s germs anyway. my other friend and i just looked at her like she was crazy. her only justification was that she didn’t believe in it. she said she wouldn’t even give a sip to her own mother. i’d be a little hesitant to ask her for a fry. the next day, i grabbed one of her cans of cokes from the fridge, which felt pretty awesome.

  9. McDonald’s fries should be available just by thinking you’d like some…like in bed at 2:00 a.m. while watching a west coast ball game.

  10. I am a very lucky person. My best friend is NOTORIOUS for her eating habits. She eats as much as seven footballers, I swear, and god save anyone that touches her food. She will smack you down. And she is a very, very buff woman. But I am the only exception to the no steals rule.

    We’re like an old married couple; she always orders extra large serving of chips because she knwos I only want a few chips, and allows me to steal off of her plate. There is no asking of permission. Quite often, there is not even eye contact with her or her plate, just an absent-minded grab for the chips and transferral to my mouth. And we both like chicken salt, so we don;t have that whole, ‘which salt’ dilema when we order, which is fantastic!

  11. “Bag Fries” are AWESOME…you know, the surpise fries that have fallen out in the McDonald’s bag that lay resting as undiscovered treasure under your burger or box of chicken nuggets that are just waiting to be devoured

    1. Those are called ‘bagglers’!!! (name originated at the BK Lounge, love burger king!) And the rules of Bagglers are that whoever calls dibs on them gets them…so next time you grab fast food, be sure to call dibs on the Bagglers so you unarguably get all of those surprise fries in the bag that have fallen out of the fry holders. You can even shake the bag when no one is looking to try and make more fall out!

  12. Ok, even better…since it is rude to point, my rule is that any fry that points at me, is mine. You have to balance the karma of the universe by eating the pointing ones…that just seems right.

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  14. There was a couple- one thought it was universal, the other grounds for divorce.
    Imagine that…do you think it may have been the “fry that broke the camels back?”
    I believe in the universal law… sharing:)

  15. be careful not to have a health nut in the table along with you who will preach against eating fries, while stealing some? (most) of them

  16. Once at a restaurant, I was eating at the bar and the lady sitting next to me did the eyebrow thing. I then nudged my plate towards her and she took some of my fries. Felt natural and not weird at all. Guess this rule works for people you don’t know as well :-)

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