I used to be The Wolf Man.
At least, that’s what a big guy named Fletch used to call me in tenth grade homeroom. He said it with a hearty, bug-eyed giggle while pinching and tugging the soft patches of thin, black hair extending from my ears to my collar bones.
Now, I wasn’t just born The Wolf Man. No, I had to create the identity by first building up the guts to trim my thin, soft mustache and sideburns for the first time. That first shave was a nerve-wracking ordeal, with a fresh razor, a steamy mirror, too much lather, and too much blood.
And I guess being around fifteen years old and new to this whole slicing the hair off your face with a knife thing, I didn’t realize that you were supposed to get the whole neck area, too. So I didn’t get the neck area. I completely missed the neck area. So for a good couple of weeks, I walked around high school with a smooth, freshly shorn face, and an untamed, hairy neck area.
Ar-ar-aroooooooo!
But you know, looking back, I really do miss it. I certainly couldn’t pull off the Gratuitously Hairy Neck look these days, unless I wanted to leave Cubicle City to become a mountain guide, longshore fisherman, or professional scarf warmer-upper.
And it’s not just the Hairy Neck look that deserves mention. There are so many other classic facial hair experiments:
6. Mutton Chops. Although it seems obvious, mutton chops are so named because they look just like big lamb chops. The thicker, the hairier, the better, as you can tell from the photo of famous 19th century Norwegian playright Henrik Ibsen. His closest rival for the Muttonchop Crown was probably Elvis, but really it couldn’t have been that close. I mean, just look at those beautifully shaggy chops.
5. The Chin Strap. This chin strip is the result of a deep study in the art of making perfect lines with a sharp razor. It shows form, style, and patience, because nobody can really nail it without messing it up a few times first and shaving the whole thing off in frustration.
4. Weird beards. Ever seen someone who couldn’t grow a beard grow a beard anyway? And it sort of looks like a splotchy brown mess of assorted band aids and bread crumbs? Yeah, that’s a weird beard. Most guys have a few secret weird beards buried deep in their past.
3. Soul Patches. Apparently, the soul patch became popular with jazz trumpeters in the 50s and 60s because it provided a nice, comfortable place to rest their trumpet. Yeah, for real.
2. Handle Bar Stache. Also known as The Hulk Hogan or the Fu Man Chu, this classic moustache just screams business. You can’t have a Fu Man Chu and be a local politician, elementary school teacher, or birthday party clown. No, you have to either be a bartender at a dive bar, a cowboy, or in college.
1. Too Much Time On Your Hands. This is any intricate and detailed facial hair involving lightning bolts or abstract images that look like they’re from Spirograph.
So yeah, I miss that youthful freedom of bizarre, anything goes facial hair. Because there’s something liberating, creatively satisfying, and fiercely expressive about experimenting with a dull razor in a steamy bathroom mirror.
And remember: no matter how crooked your chin strap, how tiny your mutton chops, or how splotchy your weird beard, whatever facial experiment you’ve got going on is always just a little bit
AWESOME!
17 Comments
December 12, 2008 at 9:21 am
I can grow a full circle beard, but nothing on my cheeks. I can’t even really grow sideburns at 24 years old.
*fingers crossed for onset of puberty
December 12, 2008 at 5:09 pm
I’m still waiting for them to bring back mutton chops.
And by them I mean me.
December 12, 2008 at 7:28 pm
I definitely read #4 “weird beards” as “wizard beards” and was trying to figure out what made the guy in the picture look like a wizard… Consequently, I think that “wizard beards” should have made it onto your top 6.
December 12, 2008 at 8:31 pm
I’m still mourning the end of Mo-vember. All those guys out there trying bravely to grow moustaches to raise money for prostate cancer research but succeeding only in looking like they’re carrying balding caterpillars around on their faces. Classic.
December 12, 2008 at 8:45 pm
While I normally don’t sport any facial hair, I still get to participate in some of this fun from time to time.
If I go on a long vacation (any prolonged period away from work, actually), I’ll usually avoid shaving for my entire trip. Then, when I get home, and have a bit of a beard, I love to shave just parts of it at a time, to see what I’d look like sportin’ various moustache/beard combos.
The straight-up moustache is always the most sketchy… and having seen pictures of the author with a moustache, I can confirm this is true for him as well!
December 13, 2008 at 6:46 am
I feel as though “Savor the Flavor” is the more accurately descriptive word for “Soul Patch.”
May 14, 2009 at 9:39 pm
I think savour the flavour is for a different patch of hair…I wonder if anyone has grown facial hair to look like gene simmons make-up?
December 15, 2008 at 8:56 pm
Hahahaha wizard beards. I agree, sir! Wizard beards are just a touch awesome.
Can someone clarify, please, what a wizard beard would be, exactly? I’m thinking long, flowing, wispy white beard. Am I correct?
December 17, 2008 at 10:37 am
It tends to vary from wizard to wizard.
December 27, 2008 at 8:30 pm
A. I had a big fat porno ’stache when I met my wife.
B. Spirographs were awesome. Make them one of the 1000!!
January 26, 2009 at 3:21 am
I’d have to say that Schuyler Vaughn White of the band Foxy Shazam is another contender for the Muttonchop Crown.
February 15, 2009 at 12:55 am
I have to agree with “daughter” and say the Flavour Saver/savour is a better term for it… it is also the only thing I maintain seeing as my mustache, flavour saver and chin come in blonde, almost white (F.S. IS white!) and everything else comes in a weird browny-red (if it comes in at all!)…
The last time I grew the full thing out was a couple summers ago for over a month… I was called “wolfman” on the construction site and no one knew my actual name :)
May 7, 2009 at 11:07 am
I love spirograph
May 28, 2009 at 1:19 am
Do I know the Weird Beard guy #4, I think I do, If I do you probably know me.
August 21, 2009 at 3:50 pm
Best idea my school ever had: Last year we had ‘Stache For Cash. Students bid on teachers to grow a stache- just a stache- for a whole month. Raised a lot of money for charity & got a good laugh! My photography teacher grew mean handlebars!
November 20, 2009 at 7:25 pm
For what it’s worth (nothing, of course) a Fu Man Chu and Handlebar mustache are not the same thing. Hulk’s is a handlebar, but a Fu Man Chu is when you grow a regular mustache but then each side of it is really long, like this crazy looking guy:
http://leino-online.com/pics/fu-manchu-Pappa.jpg
November 20, 2009 at 7:28 pm
Actually now that I check this hilarious site, http://www.americanmustacheinstitute.org/MustacheStyles.aspx I was wrong as well. Hogan’s mustache is called a horseshoe