Big toes are tough.
Chances are good that Big Digit is holding onto the largest nail you’ve got. And yeah, chopping it off can be a tough job, but then again — if you didn’t do it once in a while you’d pop holes in your socks and end up with scraggly Hobbit Feet all the time, complete with dirty, jagged Forest Toenails.
That’s why it’s so satisfying to saw that big toenail right off.
Now, there are a few different ways to get the job done:
• The Big Clip. My brother-in-law Dee used to pull out this fancy salon kit he had which contained a Jumbo Nail Clipper. Have you seen once of these things? They’re enormous and well-suited to the job of Big Toenail Cutter Offer. Clip, clip, you’re done. And you can use it to trim the hedges afterwards.
• Temporary Fang Nail. This is where you clip both the left and right sides of the nail first, and then end up with a temporary sharp and jagged fang nail just sticking up like a dagger. It’s pretty funny, but not safe around children or small animals. Let’s be smart and chop safe out there, folks.
• The Slow And Steady. This is the classic. Time to pull out that old, rusty nail clipper somebody bought from the dollar store fifteen years ago and set your foot on the bathroom counter, a sunny patch of grass outside, or on yesterday’s newspaper. You have to scrunch your eyebrows, and then slowly inch your way across the nail, bit by bit by bit by bit, almost peeling it off. Optional here is using a nail file to scrape out the Residual Toe Cheese.
When you’re done, you end up with a magnificently disgusting Giant Dirty Shard of Big Toenail. And yeah, I know it’s gross, and I know you’ll toss it in the garbage soon, but you can’t tell me that for one beautiful moment you just look at it and think
AWESOME!
17 Comments
January 9, 2009 at 2:02 am
This is the only entry on the entire list so far I disagree with, because it’s just too gross, and you make it sound a lot easier than it really is. It’s the corners of the big toe that give you trouble, the center is easy to clip. For the corners, you have to dig in there real deep to cut it. And you have to wash your hands because there’s foul smelling stuff in there…is it dirt or lint or bacteria? I don’t want to know. It’s unnaturally smelly.
May 14, 2009 at 10:24 pm
Way more awesome to peel it off with your fingers, ya you know who you are! Am i right or what?
January 9, 2009 at 7:49 am
I like thinking “Wow, I’m glad this isn’t attached to me anymore.” I think that’s what the writer may mean… because that is truly awsome. It’s like a foot cleanse.
January 9, 2009 at 9:49 am
Indeed, big toenail clipping is deeply cleansing.
January 9, 2009 at 10:32 am
If you cut in wrong you’ll end up with an ingrown toenail
January 9, 2009 at 10:51 am
How about get a pedicure? It’s surprisingly cheap and your feet look and feel great afterwards.
If that’s not your thing, then take a tip from pedicurists: there’s a good reason they soak your feet in warm water first. It softens everything up, including nails.
January 9, 2009 at 12:26 pm
I have the polar opposite of the foot fetish, and the big toe is part of that aversion. My wife has small, neat, tidy feet, and yet I still prefer to see her in socks. Far too many people, men and women both, have some truly funky stuff going on footwise which is why I think sandals and flipflops should be banned from non-beach areas.
January 9, 2009 at 1:03 pm
Totally agree. About nail clipping in general, and big toe-nail clipping in particular. I’m a big fan of having the collection of all the nail scraps at the end of finishing both hands and feet, and just before you throw it all out, you look at it and marvel: “All that crap used to be attached to me, and weigh me down. Now I’m so much cleaner, leaner and more efficient! I’m a new man!”
It’s similar to the effect that I imagine Ethan Hawke’s character has at the beginning of Gattacca – he trims his nails, hair, scrubs all his skin really hard to remove any dead cells, and lights it all on fire. You’re telling me that this guy doesn’t go out into his day feeling like a fresh, new man?
AWESOME!
January 9, 2009 at 9:08 pm
I agree. A very cleansing process and you have to have some respect for that big toe nail. A moment of silence before you throw it out. It was tough, and it hung in there for quite a while.
January 10, 2009 at 12:46 am
I concur, strangely gratifying moment.
January 10, 2009 at 12:16 pm
Agreed. I think this is awesome because toenails are so easily neglected. In the morning, when you’re in a hurry to get ready for the day, they’re too easily camouflaged beneath socks to get the attention they often deserve. Know what else is awesome? Socks.
January 10, 2009 at 11:52 pm
Cutting any toe nail is a awesome.
January 11, 2009 at 4:56 pm
I generally let Natalie over at Sunny Side Nails take care of mine. Call me effeminate if you wish, but making somebody else cut off and dispose of your disgusting toejammy nails beats the hell out of doing it yourself. Well worth the $10.
January 11, 2009 at 8:44 pm
The big toe is the danger toe that can get the ingrown toenail.
January 12, 2009 at 11:20 pm
I love cutting my toenails, too. It does feel cleansing. Sometimes I clip too deeply. Ouch!
January 13, 2009 at 1:35 am
You forgot chewing it off… now that takes amazing flexibility… it is the reason I have taken yoga up at 39…. it was starting to get too hard
October 1, 2009 at 1:23 pm
A completley agree it may be gross but it sure is satisfying and cleansing more people should be brave enough to takle this hudge obsticle cause its definately rewarding espiacally how light youre feet feel after!!!