Waiting in a long line for a roller coaster, writing your ninth grade math exam, riding to work on the commuter rail, it suddenly hits you: that slippery Shake, Rattle, n’ Roll way, way, way up your nose.
You tap your pockets, check your purse, but no luck. You’ve got no tissues. You’ve got no napkins.
You’re all alone.
It twitches and it tickles and it drips and it dribbles and before you know it you’re shoved onstage as the curtain rises and floodlights blind your eyes. Yes, it’s the off-off-broadway production of That Drippy Emergency and you’re the star of the show.
• Act 1: Sleeve Sliding. Welcome back to sixth grade. You slide your slick and slippery faucet right across your dirty, fraying sweatshirt sleeve. Congratulations! You just bought yourself twenty-five seconds of sweet relief before the pipes burst again.
• Act 2: The Big Snort. Get your head in the game. Here’s where you pull a Zack Morris-like Time-Out, pause the world around you, and just yank your head up real fast while snorting as stiffly as possible. You smell dirty dust in the air and the crisp winter breeze zooms in to chill your brain. The Big Snort isn’t always pretty, but you’re just reading the lines.
• Act 3: Wet Lips. Eventually your tired face stares grimly in the distance. You give up for a moment and just let go. Two little garden hoses drip down your mustache groove and salt up your lips. Don’t deny you’ve gone this route before. Sometimes you’ve got no choice.
• Act 4: The Replacement Player. Blow, blow, blow into whatever you can find that seems closest to a tissue. Scratchy brown paper towel, piece of paper from the laser printer, squeezed-and-folded toilet paper roll, or maybe just the ol’ Bare Hands With A Sink Nearby move.
If you’ve ever performed the entire production of That Drippy Emergency, then you know it’s not a great gig. Nope, the pay is bad, the hours are terrible, and you’re an embarrassing slobbery mess for a few minutes.
That’s why it’s great when someone tosses you a tissue.
AWESOME!
It is also awesome when you spot a box of kleenex right as the pipes are breaking. You make a mad dash, swipe a tissue from the box and slam it to your face just before a big drip.
10th grade math class, the boy behind me during our final kept snorting the snot back into his nose. I had to get up in the middle the the test to go and grab a hand full of kleenex for him because I could not concentrate on my final.
Been there done that. I was doing one of my finals too and this guy across from me kept sniffing in the most disgusting of ways, so I put up my hand, grabbed the box of tissues off the moderator and slammed them on his desk.
No more sniffles :)
man.. now i have to carry around one of those on the go kleenex thingies …..
Tissues make life so much easier.
Also, what’s with the nose clog that still lets drips through? You can’t sniff or blow, so all you can do is either plug it with something or bang your head violently on a solid surface.
I’m sorry, I stole this from your rival “1000 Evil Things.”
I feel like a superhero when I catch a baby’s snot before it hits their lips. You’re welcome, kids.
Hahaha! you’re so right Laura!!
I’ll feel like a superhero too!
Or more like super baby sitter? XD
AWESOME! XD
awww !! THIS IS SO CUTE!
You forgot the Encore – the ever popular Snot Rocket! Plug one side and push with all you’ve got out the other side, where it goes no one knows.
Exactly – I was scrolling expecting to see the snot rocket FOR SURE… But nooooo.
Hear hear! In fact the thrill of blowing a successful snot rocket is far more awesome than tissues!
Snot Rockets=Awesome!
I usually do this in the shower but I got a special trick! I sneeze with my mouth closed and therefore all the air flies out through your nostrils at 100mph. I once killed someone like that… true story.
haha the sleeve thing is so true!
thumbs up!
Reaching for the kleenex box….and it’s…empty!
Scrambling for something, anything before the great sneeze, finding and covering just in time…..
Awesome.
I like the hand-to-pant swipe. Sometimes hand-to-inside pocket is necessary depending on the pants your wearing. Gross, I know.
Oh God. There was this kid in my math class that sneezed on his hand, and looked at it for a second.. and then licked his hand. I almost puked.
The professor and I had a good laugh about it afterward, but I couldn’t shake the heebie-jeebies even joking about it…
Do what they do in India: blow into your left hand and fling it into the street.
One time in high school while I was crying absurdly hard over something, my friend took off her tank top (she was wearing another underneath) just so I could blow my nose and wipe my eyes on it. Now that is love.
Hi – I don’t comment on many blogs but had to on yours. It’s really nice! I really like how you write – very to the point, unlike a lot of other blogs. Thanks for having this site.
I don’t want to be a hater, because this website seems to be about the positivity, but this was a bit weak.
But that’s the point of this website. All the awesome things in life, no matter how big or small. Cause sometimes the smallest of the smallest awesome things in life are the absolute best. the most simple things, like having a tissue at the right time…
And he GETS it! Totally, completely, GETS it.
Writes about even the the awkward moments, (fixing a wedgie, picking your nose, having a kleenex at the right moment) that isn’t usually “dinner-table” conversation, but are still AWESOME!
Hilarious! First visit to your site. Can’t wait to work my way all the way through. This one had me laughing out loud.
What about the “snot rocket”??
When you shoot the building snot out one nostril while you hold the other nostril with your finger. Hopefully you are outside when you do this…
I almost wet my pants laughing at this.
Definitely need to include the snot rocket! Who hasn’t had to resort to this at some point? 10-year-old me in the playground at winter resorted to this many a time.
And at this point, I would like to make a terrible confession and just get it all off my chest. One day, whilst shopping at the local WalMart, something suddenly started tickling in the inside of my nose. I sneezed, and was surprised to find myself with a hand full of snot. What was I to do? I had no tissues, no napkins, not even a spare parking ticket. I did what I feel anyone would do–something I’m not particularly proud of…I looked left, I looked right, and when I felt safe, I wiped my hand on the last shirt on the nearest rack. And then I promptly walked away.
I just felt I should tell someone. I feel a lot better now.
Hahaha… glad you shared your confession! It not only got it off your chest, but also provided the rest of us with a good chuckle. Besides, it’s Walmart… They deserve it!
‘snot funny.
Hi there, awesome site. I thought the topics you posted on were very interesting
I knew a kid in school who always did the look and lick, very groase.
Have you ever seen people with camel/giraffe or Gene Simmons tounges lick-up the snot?!
Also very groase!
When we were out hiking, nobody thought it would be important to bring along some tissues. So when my hay fever kicked in and my nose became snot haven, I had to use a leaf…not so nice.
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