#535 Giant morning stretches accompanied by stupid noises

Crack that back.

Everybody’s got their own gorilla jungle noises when they wake up in the morning. There’s a few famous moves for waking up your bones:

1. The Insane Wiggle. This one’s the classic. There’s no focus and direction here — you’re just twisting and turning in a crumpled lump of sheets and twisted blankets. Maybe you squeeze your face into your pillow, pull your legs into your chest, or just let out some long slow grunts to feel that stretchy buzz in the small of your back.

2. The Starfish. This is where you lay in bed and stretch your arms and legs in all directions. The starfish works best if you somehow managed to land a night in a king-size hotel bed by yourself.

3. The Old Man Can Walk Again. When I lived in Boston my roommate Joey was famous for this. You’d hear his bedroom door creak open and he’d slowly inch out — hunched over in a stained undershirt and baggy boxers, blindly touch-feeling his way to the bathroom without his glasses on. Eventually he’d give a few loud grunts and stretch up like he was getting out of his wheelchair for the first time in years.

4. The Yogi Master. These people actually do real stretches when they wake up. They might even throw their hair in a ponytail, lay down the mat, and jump into a tight black unitard.

5. The Cobra. Here’s where you stretch your spine out by leaning up like a cobra. For full effect make sure to throw a few hisses and menacing head fakes at your sleeping husband.

6. The Safety Stretch. Here’s where your bed buddy is sleeping in a little later than you’re careful not to wake them. Watch the grunts, watch the groans, and stretch out nice and quietly, people. Sure, it’s not as rewarding but it sure beats accidental punching someone in the temple when they’re drooling and dreaming.

7. The Ballet Dancer. Prop one foot up on the radiator and lean forward like you’re about to hit the stage. Tutu optional but recommended.

8. The Dog Leg. That big dog stretch sends all your molecules zooming around so fast your leg just starts pounding the mattress uncontrollably.

Now, no matter your style it sure feels great to stretch that spine, get the blood flowing, and crack and pop all your bones into place. Plus, if you’re lucky enough to catch someone else in the middle of their giant sleepy-eyed stretch, well that’s just a bonus.

Bring on the day.

AWESOME!

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Photos from: here, here, here, here, and here

54 thoughts on “#535 Giant morning stretches accompanied by stupid noises

  1. Is there anything better than stretching when you first wake up?! Mmmmm, it’s so good.

    Wow, when laid out like this, I can clearly identify my Stretch Type. I do believe I’m a 1 & 2 combo package. I have two beds: one at my parents house (I was lucky enough to adopt their king size bed when they got a new one a few years ago) and one at my apartment (a sad and lonely little twin size). Obviously option 2 is NOT the best choice for when I’m at my apartment. I have, sadly, accidentally done it before and gotten a fistful of wall.

    P.S. I LOVED “tutu optional but recommended” … :)

  2. I used to do the Old Man Can Walk Again a lot, which actually feels far from awesome. Lately I’ve been practicing more of an extended, slow motion Insane Wiggle, and actually the Yogi Master too when I feel ambitious.

  3. I love love love LOVE doing “The Starfish” (I even love the name!) any time I’m in a big bed. It’s literally what I think of when I jump in a big bed that I get all to myself… “Tomorrow morning is going to ROCK when I wake up and can stretch allll the way out!” Completely stretching but remaining entirely on soft bed… it’s the best!

  4. I’m definitely a combo of a wiggler and a cobra. I only to the old man when I didn’t relieve myself the night before and can’t stand up straight until I’m on E.

  5. I’m hands down the wiggler. My arm drapes around my head like a scarf, I kick my legs around my covers, and make plenty of noises. If there happens to be someone sharing a bed with me, my actions get exaggerated, just because it’s more fun that way, of course. :D

  6. LOL…I do a combination of the cobra, the safety stretch and the old man can walk again. Love it!

  7. When waking my daughters this morning with a ‘Good morning, the cinnamon rolls are just about ready’, the usual stretching groans and grunts came out sounding like oohs and ahhs. The words ‘menacing head fakes’ had me laughing out loud and brought the kids running to see what was so funny!

  8. I don’t stretch in the morning…it never occurred to me . I think I’ll have to start though, maybe with a combination of the starfish and old man can walk.

  9. I love this one. My husband comes closest to the Insane Wiggle, but I don’t think even that describes what he does. All I know is that it takes him a good five minutes of grunting to get through his entire stretch.

  10. I have a pug named Orbi. She’s 10 years old and has done the same exact stretch at the end of the night for as long as she’s been a part of the family.

    Her spot, no matter who she’s sitting with, is between your left leg and the left arm of the chair. Normally, she sits with my dad at night when we’re watching TV. She lays there, perfectly still for at least 1 & 1/2 hours (snoring the whole time, of course). My dad says “Time to stretchy-stretch” and Orbi wiggles a little. Then it happens.

    My dad picks her up, lays her upside down on his stomach, and she turns into upside-down-super-pug for a really good spine-lengthening stretch. Then all of a sudden, she reaches up to the sky with all four limbs and lets out a sigh of pure relief and relaxation.

    Then she snuggles back into the same exact spot for the rest of the night until bedtime.

    It is a truly awesome sight to behold. If I could ever get that relaxed and stretch like my yoga pug, it would be a great day :)

    Thanks for reminding me of the small things. You’re

    AWESOME!

  11. Soooo many spelling and grammar mistakes in this post! Really disappointing. I seriously hope they don’t end up in the book! :(

    1. Really? Out of all the awesomeness of this entry, that’s the most awesome thing you could think to say?

      Not awesome.

  12. I’m a straight stretcher from fingers to toes, hands over the head and toes pointed down. But I hate it when I over-stretch and give myself a muscle spasm in the arch of my foot. But stretching is a goodness. :)

  13. This is a great post. Very funny. I hear noises when I stretch in the morning from my bones ha. My body is stiff like a board in morning.

  14. Hi!

    I just wanted to tell you that your blog puts a smile on my face, i made this blog my homepage so when i get on the internet, i see something that picks me up.

    also, I just thought i’d let you know that when i pull up your page i notice a very, very tiny smiley face up in the right corner.

    :)

  15. you need to add the one:

    shit i lost my arm,

    when you wake up and discover you cant feel your arm,
    so shake it and let the blood flow to it, until it works again

  16. I do a funny one where I push up on my shoulders and my back curves, my ankles stay on the bed but my thighs and knees go up hehe.

  17. I am such a sucker for this. I start with “The Cobra” then bend my self in half reaching for my toes and feel multiple vertebrates up and down my spine waking up. Its great. And when at my parents house, if I make a stretching groaning noise my dog, a Jack Russel terrier, will accompany me in the groan noise by wailing alongside me. Its hilarious.

  18. This is a great list of stretches to do in the morning. I actually don’t do morning stretches I just get up out of the bed after hitting the snooze about 3 or 4 times… lol and get to it.

    I now see that stretching would be beneficial for me so I thank you for sharing these helpful tips!!

  19. My specialty is actually the Bedtime Wiggle. My bf won’t even come to bed until after I’m done because it drives him nuts, but there’s nothing like crawling under the covers and wiggling in to the sweet-spot and flexing your muscles to get it juuuuuust right.
    Ahhhh… going to bed is often my favourite time of the day.

  20. Hi – I just found this blog, and I think it is so wonderful and uplifting. Thank you for sharing these awesome things.

    – Butterfly

  21. totally enjoy stretching in the early morning. haha my favourite is ‘The Cat’s Stretch’. the one where you are on four and push the forearms forward and bends your back. lower, lower and lower. and sometimes meowing included haha

    Awesome!

  22. I came across this website earlier today for the first time and haven’t stopped reading it since. This post in particular made my day today because I love, love, love morning stretches and can never seem to get enough of them. That last one about the “dog leg” stretch was sooooo funny to me because it happens to me all the time and when I read it I just couldn’t stop laughing. I kept trying to read it out loud to my coworker but could barely get out to words before I started laughing all over again.

    so here’s to the dog leg stretch and those belly-aching laughs that make the rest of your day that much better!

    thanks for such an AWESOME website :) i look forward to buying the book!

  23. I’ve been guilty of bopping a bed partner in the face with an unrestrained starfish. When I explained to her why I ‘beat her up’, she broke out in hysterical laughter. I finally managed to get it out of her that she’d done the exact same thing the weekend before, but I was so out to it, I didn’t even flinch!

  24. About the title #535 Giant morning stretches accompanied by stupid noises 1000 Awesome Things, it sort of jumped out at the screen for a second but now I get what you’re trying to say. I’ve been thinking about the same kind of stuff at my blog http://sjamessmith.livejournal.com. I’d really like your input on what I talk about. Larue Monsees

  25. This feels so good to do that i end up becoming one with the mattress and doing a good impression of a pancake. Of course when you sleep with someone you must be aware of their presence otherwise you end up racking them or hitting them in the nose. My fiance couldn’t figure out one morning why his eye was black. My bad ^__^

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  29. Why limit this to mornings? I get some pretty good streches accompanied by odd sounds after a long university lecture class!

  30. Haha in the morning don’t have a specific stretch I just randomly twist turn and stretch my short legs out….. This is soo AWESOME

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