#190 Making disgusting slurping noises while eating a really juicy peach

You can’t fake a peach.

Juice and candy companies keep trying with their Fuzzy Peach gummies and sugary peach drinks. But those molar-clogging sugar clumps never do the real peach justice. They’re an insult to peaches everywhere and mock the regal beauty of the Lord Of All Fruits.

Now there’s something beautiful about loudly slurping up a juicy peach in its prime.

It starts when you pick up the peach and notice it’s dark orange and pink and dented all over. “Here we go,” you say to your buddies down at the bus stop, planting your feet in the ground, steadying your grip.

“Let’s get juicy.”

You dive in teethfirst and feel that ripe flesh flashflood your mouth and fill your throat with a sweet and juicy waterfall. Drips start streaming onto your fingers so fast you might have to move to the Flying Saucer Landing move which involves tilting your head straight back and eating the peach above your mouth.

Rogue peach juice splashing in your eyes doesn’t stop so when you’re past the first few bites it’s time for the classic Sucker Fish Liplock where you cover the open wound of your peach and suck as much juice in as you can.

The final step now is the Dry Bone Breakoff, where you pull the last few chunks of peach flesh straight off the pit without leaving any peach molecules remaining. The opposite here is when the peach refuses to slide off the bone and you’re stuck with a wet-n-hairy peach pit.

Don’t forget to make a lot of noise and get into it. Grunts, squeals, and vacuum cleaner noises are all completely acceptable, just as long as you live for the moment, chomp for the memories, and slurp for your life.


Photos from: here, here, and here

76 thoughts on “#190 Making disgusting slurping noises while eating a really juicy peach

  1. Yes, eating a peach isn’t exactly a graceful or dignified event, but it’s always awesome and always worth it. I usually end up with a wet-n-hairy peach pit, though. Guess I’ll have to keep practicing. :)

    1. Laura – you’ll be glad to know that the wet-n-hair peach isn’t some sort of deficiency on your part.. it is a characteristic of the specific peach variety you’re eating.

      Within the stone fruit world, fruits are broadly categorized into two different categories: Clingstone fruits and Freestone fruits.. as you can imagine, the clingstone fruits inevitably end up with a wet-n-hair peach pit.. meanwhile, freestone fruits yield the beautiful “dry bone breakoff” that Neil describes above..

      Peaches, plums, apricots, nectarines and cherries all come in both clingstone and freestone varieties.. So, if you’re always getting a wet-n-hairy, here’s what you should do..

      Go to your local farmers market (or any produce section with a TON of variety), and purchase one of each type of peach you can find.. I am positive that at least one of them will be a freestone variety, and you’ll feel like such a champ when you eat it, and you’re left with a perfectly clean and dry pit!

      If you happen to be somewhere where they sell the peaches by name, some varieties that are freestone fruits are: Redtop, Elegant Lady, Angelus, Bounty, and others..

      That being said, I’m not claiming that freestone fruits are better.. clingstone fruits are among some of the tastiest!!

      ENJOY, and let us know how it goes! :)

  2. Thank you fort the first laugh and wide grin of today. Yes, peaches are awesome, they are now on todays shopping list.

    Have an awesome day and awesome weekend too. Love your writing.

  3. I just bought peaches today! Perfect post!

    Now for the worst part, waiting for them to ripen enough.

    1. I’m not a big fan of peaches either, or anything peach flavored, but any kind of juicy fruit is wonderful and so is the slurping!

  4. I see you tried to do the healthy post after some junk food posts. I love fruit, not so much peaches, but any other kind of fruit is great.

    1. When I saw the title for this one I remembered the comments from yesterday and laughed out loud with appreciation. I thought, “How cool.” =)

      1. Me too.. Neil gives the people what they want!!! :)

        (I’m just bummed he went with “juicy peach” and skipped my quinoa salad idea..)

        1. But quinoa! It’s amazing. It’s the most magical fruit ever! :) Put it in a slow cooker with some tomato sauce, onion, peanut butter, kidney beans, a wee bit of salt and pepper and a cup of water and let it simmer all day… best. dinner. ever.

  5. Love me some peaches! I usually stand over the sink to eat them so I don’t end up with my shirt and surroundings covered in sticky peach juice. That way, I can slurp and spill and sip and splatter the juice without worries. Think I’ll have to make a stop at the farm market this afternoon for a basket of peaches. :)

    1. I usually eat them over the sink, too. Peaches – unless already sliced – are not a good mobile fruit. :)

      1. Me three! Despite their relatively light colour, peach juice stains are really hard to get out. Also, I’m not a fan of the fuzzy skin, so I prefer to peel it off. Another good reason to be at the sink.

  6. Mmmmm, so good and fun to eat. Sadly, I lack the ripe-peach-picking skills and I usually end up with a very disappointing, dry peach. But when I get the flashflood and I can use the Flying Saucer Landing and Sucker Fish Liplock…it’s a beautiful moment. I love peaches (and honestly, I enjoy the Fuzzy Peach gummies too =p)

  7. OH MAN. This is the first post that makes me sad. I’ve been allergic to peaches (and most fruit, actually) for a good 20 years or so. I fantasize about slurping a juicy peach. This post was torture! I couldn’t even read the whole thing. :'(

      1. oh you are a cheeky girl now aren’t you, Bekah.

        jen325, have you seen a TCMDoctor about this? No pushey, just wondern, cuz they can fix so much for so little!!!

      2. I do try to replace fruit with ice cream. ;)

        Actually, the fruits and veggies that I’m allergic to are okay if they’re well-cooked or processed, but they’re just not as good that way. I’m cursed with a triple-whammy: I’ve got food allergies, I’m a supertaster, and I’m really grossed out by certain textures.

        Right now I’m eating orange cream blended yogurt and it’s AWESOME. :)

        1. We have a home full of conventional and alternative health pros here for the holiday and here’s the concensus for your cure:
          it’s more than likely the pesticides, not the actual fruits/vegies wreaking havoc; which also explains why the reaction not so bad after boiling…solution…try going organic and yum, yum, yum, OM:)

          1. That’s what I thought it was when it first started happening, but it’s not; I have a reaction with organic produce as well.

            What’s interesting is that I can eat Romaine lettuce in small amounts, as long as I stick to the leafy bits and avoid most of the stems. The watery parts seem to contain more of what I’m allergic to.

            1. So I don’t mean to butt in here, but I have almost the same problem with most fruits and some veggies! I can eat them if they are cooked or processed, but not raw. I read somewhere that it’s related to being allergic to certain pollens and trees, like pine.
              I’ve never actually “met’ anyone else with the same problem, so its good to know I’m not alone!

              1. You’re not butting in; we’re all friends here! :) It’s interesting that it’s related to pollen. That kind of makes sense, because when I was a kid I had no food allergies and no pollen allergies. My dad also has pollen allergies and is allergic to melons, but not other fruits and tree nuts like me. I’m allergic to raw vegetables, too (both above-ground and root veggies), so in my case I’ve got something else going on. What’s also weird is that I’m fine with citrus fruits…what’s THAT all about?! Anyway, thanks for the insight, allergy buddy!

                1. My intentions are always good! Back to MY solution then…if you really want to know, visit a TCMD. Seriously, it’s no fee to see an authentic and if you require any remedies, they are very reasonable! Good luck:)

  8. This slurping totally happened to me yesterday, my bird loves peaches too – and doesn’t make noise while eating it, I could learn from him!

  9. gross… no.
    I love peaches, but I like them tangy and crunchy. Unripe. Just like green bananas are better, crunchy peaches are the best.

      1. seriously… they are wonderful and tangy. plus you don’t get sticky eating them. it’s like eating a really good apple, only peach flavored.

  10. “But the peach…ah, yes…the peach was a soft, stealthy traveller making no noise at all…”
    (a classic and one of my kids all time favs:)

  11. I have avoided supermarket peaches for years. For my birthday last year, a friend took me peach picking. I picked a peach off the tree and bit into it. As the warm juice flooded my mouth and my shirt, my only thought was, “I’ve been looking for this peach for five years.” AWESOME!

  12. My husband is the noisiest and messiest peach-eater in the world! He LOVES peaches so much that he should have a few pre-stained t’s set a side just for his feasts of minimum 6/day when in season, which is here, now. He want a bib like my grandson’s with the built in tray to catch every drop. He leaves a trail of “pores wide open; sucked dry pits laying lifeless”, scattered. At the end of the day he washes all the leftovers out at the bathroom sink; chunks get trapped and dropped and we end up with fruit flies in groves coming out the drains and everywhere! True story! And then he says, “Pucker-up baby, Yummy, yummy peaches!”

  13. I am the culprit- Lord of the fruit flies- damn proud of it!
    I also LOVE peaches alamode!
    I wish I could travel like James did in the giant peach!

  14. Peach eating ain’t for the faint of heart or the dignified– it’s for hungry folks hankering for a mouthful of ambrosia. Huzzah to you for capturing the true spirit of such a hallowed stone-fruit!

  15. don’t mind my dad, (numb bum), he’s not dogmatic, just alpha male.
    *and we both love peaches on just about anything=D

  16. I don’t usually comment, but I think it’s unreal that you post this the day AFTER I buy a ton of peaches. My roommate and I are having the time of our lives slurping them up, and then boom! I come across this today.
    *applause* Thank you for making my day (and remaining weekend) a little more Awesome/

    1. All day I refrained…but knew it was inevitable…SOMEBODY HAD to do it!
      I prefer the nectarine because peach fuzz burns my mouth; lips swell and everything nasty!
      I HIGH TEN SALUTE your courage and bravery!
      (p.s. On kitchen mishap, I nearly said I wish I could help you clean…then heard the news…am I ever glad I never spoke too soon on that one! Actually, I sympathize and hope it’s all good now:)
      * Cheers to a peachy long weekend… snort, snort!

        1. Magda, thanks for posting that link!! I have always loved that video and song since I first saw it back in ’95!! I even had the album… :)

          BTW, I would never subject someone to hearing me eat a peach in public. I am a silent eater!

          1. Great song and I love the brass band too!
            We live in peach country…there’s even a peach festival in the valley…I should send my husband there with his fruit flies and all, eh! KIDDING! ;)

          2. Cool Shawn, thanks for sharing. It’s a great song, in fact, “The Presidents of the United States of America” was one of my first albums. :)

  17. I can never eat a peach silently because I love them so much. It’s peach season as I write this and I have spent the entire week slurping through twenty pounds of the succulent fruit.

  18. There truly is no other way to eat a peach. And no other fruit can replace that juicy deliciousness.

  19. Sun Crest (heirloom) peaches are the BEST! Many of the newer hybrids do not have that incredible “peach” flavor of the old time peaches!

  20. Elisakarbin- beautiful extension of words.
    Neil, just one thing- have you ever seen a sucker fish up close and personal? NOT PRETTY!
    Very Juicy-Well done:)

  21. Peaches. People who have actually eaten the peaches from the peach tree in my private garden have described the taste as “magnificent” and “amazing,” hyperbole of course, but I like to believe them. :)

    1. In fairness, I did let a wolf into my garden a few years ago and he’s had his paws on the trunk once since. No peach eating, but he did a pretty good job of shaking down the tree.

  22. Peaches are awesome! I always drip down my chin, neck, shirt, sink and even the floor. Definitely a delight that one enjoys ALONE ;)

  23. Ah, this is a great one! Made me think of summers of childhood, before innocence is lost, and where the taste of a juicy peach could be a day-maker!

  24. Especially a fresh OKANAGAN peach picked right off the tree. I’ve had them the size of a good sized grapefruit from there.

  25. Ugh. I hate the sound of people eating, and, therefore, the sound of someone (even myself) sucking on a peach.

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