I was on a long flight not too long ago, one where they turn the lights out for most of the trip and everybody is just laying like jelly all over their seats fast asleep. Legs propped up over armrests, seats reclined into laps, and headphones, blankets, and eye masks creating cocoon-like defenses against all light, sound, and touch.
Frankly, I don’t like flights like this because I feel really uncomfortable. I think I’m going to wake people up and bother them. I feel like I’m hanging out in a nursery and I’ve finally got all the babies asleep, now I just have to sit in a rocking chair in the corner taking quiet, calculated breaths until the sun rises.
It’s very stressful.
I have always been paranoid about waking people up. When I was younger and would come home late I would take about twenty minutes to get from the driveway into my bed. I tiptoed up the walk, slid my house key in the door very slowly, took my shoes off outside, and tiptoed up the stairs to the bathroom. Often I wouldn’t even flush until morning, preferring to let my business simmer overnight rather than wake somebody up with the sound of excrement zooming through the walls on it’s way out of the house.
On the airplane I don’t tilt my seat back too far because I think I might crowd the person behind me. I walk down the aisle slowly and analytically, quickly grabbing chairs and overhead compartments for support so that a sudden jolt of turbulence doesn’t knock me into a sleeping grandma’s lap. I have brief visions of shattering her hip and sending her dentures flying into someone’s glass of wine.
It is because of my attempts to keep really quiet on these Voyages of the Subconscious that I am fascinated by the toilets in the airplane.
First of all, they exist! The fact that you can go to the bathroom on an airplane is pretty novelty. I bet nobody expected that a hundred years ago. Can you imagine two sailors looking over the front rails of their massive ocean liner in 1908, one of them pointing way up in the clouds and whispering to the other “One day a man will take a dump up there.” No, me neither.
Anyway, after we get over the fact that these bathrooms exist, let’s talk about that amazing flush. You do your thing, close that lid, hit that little plastic button, and a second later there’s a full five seconds of giant, full-force, vacuum-sucking noises. It’s so loud it’s unbelievable — like a transport truck full of silverware flipping over on the dirt patch between two World War I trenches.
I used to think that the airplane toilet was a little hole that opened up right to the outside of the plane. I looked down when I flushed expecting to see clouds or little cities below maybe, and figured someone had just done the math and proven that dropping dirt bombs from thirty-thousand feet didn’t actually hurt anybody. It was just a matter of gravity, distance, and atmospheric pressure or something.
Turns out I was dead wrong about that.
See, according to the Internet’s geek patrol, regular ol’ house toilets just don’t do the job in the airplane world. The combination of toilet bowl water and rough landings tend to leave splotchy autumn-colored rainbows all over the plastiform vanity and walls. For this reason airplanes use a whole new type of toilet called vacuum toilets. I guess these vacuum toilets are perfect for the job because they don’t use much water and are fairly low maintenance. Just one little side-effect, though: When you flush them it sounds like somebody’s making a smoothie out of rocks.
Now personally, I love that beautifully loud airplane toilet flush. I can’t very well leave a gift bowl for the next passenger, so I’m forced to press the button. The power and noise of that flush undoubtedly wakes up the last few rows on the airplane every time so I have no choice but to confront my fears.
So I say thanks, airplane toilet flush. Your whooshing, vacuum-packed boomflush wakes the whole world up.
AWESOME!
Thank you to everyone who entered to win a free 2013 Calendar of Awesome! (See details and entries below #978!) The winner was randomly selected and is Shannon Uehlein. Congratulations, Shannon!
— The Awesome Email of the Week —
Hey Neil!
At Theatre Arts Camp in Toronto we have been inspired by The Book of Awesome! We decided to write a play about awesome things that happen in our lives! We are between the ages of 9 and 14 and think our counselors Kate, Danielle, Mariah, Rhys, Katherine and Jenny are definitely awesome! The play is on Friday and it’s dedicated to you and your awesomeness! From this experience we have learned that awesome is all around us. Thanks for opening our eyes!
From the worlds most awesome campers!
I can honestly say I’ve never crapped on an aeroplane. Clearly, I have not lived.
And congrats, Shannon!
Ditto!
AW, the joys of taking flight. I can’t really say much about this post since I have yet to be on a plane. One of these days, though, I will and I’ll have to come back and comment on every post about flying and airplanes.
Those things are, indeed, amazingly loud. My ears are kinda sensitive to loud noises. Maybe I’m part bat or something. Anyway, I actually really don’t like flying on planes, so usually I try to sleep through most of the flight. It’s kinda ironic that I dislike aeroplanes so much, because I love visiting new places. Another reason why I would love to have wings of me own. Anyway, congratulations Shannon on getting randomly selected in that contest thing, and good job Theater Arts Camp in Toronto for making an awesome play.
A couple of month ago I flew for the first time. The trip ended up having 3 flights. When I used the bathroom, I already knew about the vacuum toilets, so I got off and closed the lid before I flushed, and it was amazingly loud!
Taking flights is like joy-ride. Now, I can relate with your experience. The toilet flush is really loud as if there is a jackhammer in the plane. What I love is its cute and the genius of its inventor. Downside for smokers, you can be penalized if you attempt to smoke inside the toilet, because it contains smoke sensors.
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I have only used a toilet on an airplane once. It was five years ago and I don’t remember the sound. I can hold my bladder for amazingly long periods of time. One of the benefits of being a nurse!
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You just took up the entire comment section with your silliness. We don’t care. We aren’t going to fall for your scam. You’re ridiculous and I hope you still have an awesome day.
Whoa! That is a very large paragraph. Anyway, well said, Bekah.
Flush and run is my motto. That sucker is freak-me-out LOUD!
airplane toilet is kind of small , I don’t like it but you got to go when you need to go :)
Let me see.If I were you, I would not be bothered by English.Good job!To tell the truth, I don’t like disco.Just wonderful!I’ll furnish my house with furniture.How’s everything? The doctor is taking my blood pressure.It is Just what I need.It feels like spring I’ve been here before
We are going to have the final examination next week.No spitting on the street.My mouth is watering.If you would only try, you could do it.I have a surprise for you.Please ask her to call me back when she’s back.Please ask her to call me back when she’s back.He is acting an old man.I’m not used to drinking.I will never forget the days that I spent with you.
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