My friend Mike once broke a tooth on a Buffalo wing. Snapped a big chunk off one night when he chomped down on a fatty, bony, Buffalo sauce-drenched chicken wing. But you know what? Mike just kept right on eating. With his new fang he looked like a bear who just woke up from hibernation, stumbled to the river and scooped a salmon out, then started gnawing viciously on its raw belly, pink guts spraying everywhere.
No, there wasn’t anything more important to Mike at that moment than finishing that delicious Buffalo wing, not even if it meant infecting exposed roots, cracking more teeth, or spraying sauce all over the table. He was in the The Any Food Requiring Moist Towelettes And Napkins Zone. His eyes stared straight ahead, his sticky, coated fingers balancing and turning the wing an inch from his face, Mike didn’t stop until he had turned the wing into a needle-thin bone and tossed it on the scrap plate. Then he leaned back on his chair gasping for air, bright red chicken wing guts smeared all over his mouth and fingers.
When I tell people this story they usually nod their head and say something like “Were the wings any good?”, or “I love Buffalo wings.” But this makes sense, because who really cares about Mike’s tooth? He’ll get it fixed. The point here is that wings are delicious. In fact, any food that requires moist towelettes and a stack of napkins is delicious. Ribs, rotisserie chicken, chili cheese fries? Delicious, delicious, even more delicious. All requiring a stack of napkins and some moist towelettes.
We know these foods are great because of what happens whenever you’re out late at a bar, and somebody orders a pitcher, and then somebody else raises their eyebrows, looks around the table, and goes “Wings?” If this happens, no matter what you have to say: “Ohhhhhh….no, I really shouldn’t.” Then you let another really long pause just hang in the air as you slowly purse your lips and allow a very thin smile to reveal itself on your face. Then very quickly give an exasperated ‘I give in’ laugh, a head shake, and an “Alright, I’m in!”, and you’re done! (To show decisiveness and finality, it’s also recommend you toss your menu into the center of the table and tell a really long story about some hot wings you once ordered that turned out to be much hotter than you expected.)
So there you go. Messy, sticky, saucy food is great. You order it, you polish it off, and then there are three ways to use the moist towelette and napkin combo at the end:
Method #1: Use the napkin first. Draw off all the extra sauce and random fried crumbs, and then clean up real nice afterwards with the moist towelette. Perfect!
Method #2: Use the moist towelette first. Rub that towelette until it turns red and cleans off your fingers, then dry off with the stack of napkins. Perfect!
Method #3: Here napkins are used pre- and post-towelette. The idea is that they first remove all the big crumbs, then the towelette comes in to clean everything off real nice, and finally the napkins return for the big dry-off. Perfect!
Whatever your style, one thing’s for sure: When that handful of Wet-Naps and stack of napkins arrives at the table, you better get yourself ready for a great night.
I could totally go for some ribs right now.
Incidentally, I keep wet wipes in my bag. Just in case…
MMMM… I know, right. Ribs sound delicious right now and its only 7 in the morning here. I could really go for some.
I used to keep a bunch of wet wipes in my car, but then they dried out. But with a baby, I always have wipes handy now.
I love the pic of the messy kid.
My dad once told me that the messier the food the better it is. Its ok to get messy, that’s whta the wet naps are for, right? RIGHT? I am quite a messy eater. I’m always spilling stuff or dropping food in my lap and getting it all over my face. I am not above wiping my face off on my hand or sleeve, though. I don’t care. If wet naps aren’t handy, what else is a girl to do?
PS…. there’s a moist towelette museum? Interesting…
More messy mean more flavour. Now I’m very, very hungry for wings and ribs. When I was a kid, my dad would always try to get me to use those wet-naps things, and I always hated using them. I think it was the smell or something. Anyway, once when I was at a restaurant and I ordered ribs, and I got a little bowl of lemony water on the side. The purpose of this bizarre side-dish became evident at the end of the meal when I was covered in rib sauce and had to cleanse myself. It was like liquid wet-naps with a clean lemony smell. Good thing I didn’t have any paper-cuts on my fingers or anything.
I really love the smell of wet naps and i overused them as a kid. I’d use all the wet naps for the table, leaving none for ayone else. I still have a thing for them.
Lobster is served with a bib AND wet-naps! What could be more messy and delicious??? Nothing. Not a thing.
I had lobster a week or so ago, and I didn’t get a bib or wet-naps. :(
Red Lobster has failed me now. I want my bib.
Oh, I had a whole rack of sweet, ggoey, scrumptious bbqued ribs without bib all to myself, a few weeks ago… A-1 awesome, alright!
That was hilarious! How true also; thanks for that!
if only eating messy foods were acceptable during dates, especially the first few dates.