Anyone else out there have a bladder the size of a walnut? One that fills up after a few spoons of soup and is on attention, ready to drain any time of the day? If you’re afraid of getting a drink before the movie or having a glass of water anytime after 6pm, then you’re with me. My small and weak-bladdered brothers and sisters of the world, unite!
See, we got issues, me and you. We’re terrible on airplanes. We never get to experience the 7-11 Super Big Gulp. And maybe worst of all, we’re always forcing our friends to help us find public washrooms when we’re walking or driving anywhere, which really drives them crazy. Sorry, friends.
If you’re with me on this one, then you know these searches for decent public washrooms really are a fine art. That perfect place to unzip and drip is always out there, but you really need to be careful. With that warning, let me present to you the Top 5 Places To Pee When You’re Out Somewhere:
#5 Gas stations. Gas stations know they are easy prey for the worst kind of fly-by urinators — those who don’t live nearby, give their name, or plan on ever coming back. Those kind of people do not respect bathroom facilities — that we know from the racist scrawls on bathroom walls and the obvious mistaking of floors for toilets. Bad ones smell rancid. Good ones smell like a flatbed truck full of urinal pucks sitting on a garbage dump. But hey, sometimes gas stations appear like toilet mirages on the horizon, and at least you know they’re almost always open, and almost always have a toilet. So we give you Number 5, gas stations. Thanks for coming out.- #4 Bus or train stations. Bus or train station bathrooms are just like gas stations, but with one key difference: maintenance. Whereas gas stations are usually being run by individual owner-operators or a couple of teenagers working the midnight shift who employ the use of a key on a big piece of wood instead of a toilet brush and mop, bus or train stations are generally run by formal transit authorities or city governments who employ people just to clean the place up, because otherwise they’d look bad and maybe get kicked off the board or something. The other plus to bus or train stations is size. They usually have rows of stalls or urinals instead of one. Very little chance of having to wait. So thanks, bus or train station bathroom. You’re there when we need you.
- 3. Restaurants. Next, restaurants! Okay, we’re starting to get into decent bathroom territory now. Here there’s maybe an extra ply on the toilet paper and perhaps a sports section or Far Side comic pinned up over the urinal. Restaurant bathrooms are much better, but they are a little hard to get at — you’ve either got to sit down and buy something, or pretend you’re looking for someone before running to the back of the place. Care and delicacy is required. Not for the full or faint of heart.
2. Somebody’s nearby house – Always great for a pit stop when you’re driving. This is where you make the mid-trip pit stop at a local friend’s apartment or house. They don’t necessarily have to be hanging out with you at the time. Just buzzing their place and asking if you can use the can is completely fine. Once you get in you’ll be living large with thick toilet paper, some fancy tangerine-pomegranate cream soap maybe, and occasionally a stack of dog-eared magazines. Try not to judge them based on all that hair in the sink, the bath towel laying on the floor, or the bright, glowing toilet bowl ring staring up at you like the Eye of Sauron. Don’t judge, just enjoy and get out.- 1. Hotel lobby bathrooms – Now we finally reach the cream of the crop, the cherry on the sundae, the top of the roller coaster. Yes, the spacious, luxurious, over-the-top hotel lobby bathrooms really are magical when you’ve been walking around all day, sweating under a backpack and blazing sun, just searching for a place to lighten your load. Hotel bathrooms are great because they are so sinful and wasteful. Really, nothing in there is necessary! In a hotel bathroom you can pretend you’re the Emperor of Toilets, commander over a vast plumbing empire, ruler of all faucets and mirrors for miles around. Hotel lobby bathrooms treat us street-walking folks like uppity business class travelers. I mean, who likes to dry their hands with face cloths anyway? Who needs chairs or couches in the bathroom for that post-dump lounge? And who really wants one of those bathroom butlers sneakily wedged into a corner wearing a tux, holding out cologne and towels for you? Who needs this?
Well us, that’s who! We thimble-bladdered folk need this once in a while. I’m sorry but we need it. A little pampering and comforting for our terrible genetic sins. So thank you, hotel lobby bathrooms for treating us with grace and dignity amongst a world of people who don’t like to hang out with us.
AWESOME!
30/1000 posts down. And I have commented on each them thus far.
I am having a marvellous time. ;)
And it always makes me smile to read your posts. You’ve only 970 posts to go!
Having little ones makes me fully aware of the closest bathroom at all times. And ya know, when you’re potty training, you get to use any bathroom. Even the ones off limits to the public and the hidden ones no one knows about. All you have to say it, “We are potty training, can we use your bathroom?” They don’t know if the kid has on a pull up or diaper or is sporting the regular underwear. They don’t want a mess in their place of business. I’ve been in some very exclusive bathrooms in my day.
such a long post on something so nonsensical!!
Awesome ;)
Glad to know I’m not alone! I have the smallest bladder of all my co-workers, friends and family members. My 2 year-old goes to the bathroom less often than I do.
I love hotel lobby bathrooms. It’s just for us small bladder folks and the person working behind the desk. Banks have really nice restrooms too!
I once found a hotel that had a nautical sailory theme. There were model ships and steering wheels all over the place. In the bathroom. There were tiny, wee portholes for mirrors. The place made me feel like a pirate.
It’s such a nice surprise when the hotel has a “Why, Yes of course!” policy.
Taking care of business in style and luxury~ a touch of cl-ass. Just like me! Truly Awesome:)
I’m glad I’m not the only one! Despite the nastiness of gas station restrooms the graffiti can be entertaining sometimes.
I once (actually, twice) used a hotel bathroom in New Orleans that filled its urinals with ice. ICE! Talk about luxury!
Sounds interesting. I saw something about a couple places putting ‘targets’ in urinals. One was a fly that was painted on there. I thought it was a good idea. But ice is better. Its not fair, us ladies don’t get anything cool like that to pee on.
“*Cool* like that to pee on”…HeheHahaHoho! you funny Bekah!
Me, too, on the small bladder thing. Just last Sunday I missed the final 5 minutes of The Dark Knight because I simply couldn’t hold it anymore! I mean, who does that?! Who gets up right before the end of a 2 hour 40 minute movie, one during which I was trying so hard to wait it out because I LOVE the movie?! Me, with the small bladder, that’s who!
I hate going to the bathroom during a movie. Its not like you can pause it in a theater until you get back. I never buy a drink or snacks or anything just for this reason.
Me too! I’ve even had occasion where I’m seeing the movie for a second time, so I know when would be the best moment to leave… But I don’t wanna!
Curse you, tiny bladder…
P.S. That pic of the gas station bathroom? Yeah, I’d pee in a field, along the road, or even in a papercup to avoid that one…ick!
P.P.S. MEGA points for using the eye of Sauron pic! Wooohooo! I’m already looking forward to December! Hmmm, methinks these posts definitely reveal my cinema adoration, esp. the geeky sort!
I’m laughing out loud right now. I happen to entomb the twin to your bladder. You might want to add “dumpster” and “bush” to your list. If I gotta go, I gotta go! (thanks for making me smile)
And the facili-trees when out for a hike!
This post made me smile; therefore, I am going to share my coveted “secret” ladies room. When my family and I travel to NYC we usually stop at St. Patrick’s Cathedral. Saks is directly across the street. A quick walk through the first floor and a ride in the elevator to the level with the ladies room….ahhhh!
Yes! Department store bathrooms are the best! I was in a swanky shopping mall (expensive stores I can’t afford, but fun to look and try and have lunch with my teen daughter…) and we met a great store clerk. She totally understood we were “just browsing” and tipped us off about the fancy bathrooms a few stores down. Plush couches, chandeliers, wallpaper to die for, it was awesome!
“the Eye of Sauron” I knew my friend’s toilet reminded me of something
LOL!
omg! Just a couple of weeks ago, Some guy pulled up in front of my house. I looked out to see who it was, and he got out, came around to my side of the car so that he wouldn’t be visible to the street, unzipped and let go right there in my gutter! Then got back in his car and drove away. I was so astounded I couldn’t speak. What has the world come to?!!!
So apparently in some hotel chains (which will remain unnamed) the bathroom floors are soooooo glossy that the reflection of your neighbouring stall (and its occupant) glares up to greet you. You can tell whether they can indeed “spare a square”. Awesome? Well, sometimes, maybe.
Love your book and blog.
That sounds very disturbing.
great tips , thank.
I was in David Jones the other night (buying my ball dress, no less!! Hey that rhymes :P ) and we had to go to the toilet, Mum, her friend Helen and I, so we went through the doors… and there were couches! And carpet! Dirty couches and carpet, mind, but still- I’ve never heard of couches in a bathroom before! Then through the next doors there were the basins/paper towels, then through ANOTHER door there were the actual toilets. Awesome bathroom :) And last year on our choir tour the hotel where we were staying had the nicest public toilets ever, a separate room for basins and all. Although it was rather funny, because we accidentally turned the tap the wrong way and it turned on wayyyy too much and my hands were in the way and it flooded the whole bench top hahaha.
There are acutally quite a lot of bathrooms around here that have couches. Its like whoever built that bathroom knew the women would need a place to get away from the men for a few moments.
I can hold it for a long time because I don’t like using the school bathroom. But it’s nice when you do have to go and there is an awesomme bathroom to use. Has anyone ever been in a fully automatic bathroom? You know, with automatic sinks, soap despenser, flushing, hand dryers, and even automatic paper towel despencers.
Those toilets are awesome!! And they play elevator music :P I went in one the other day, on a street corner in Perth. They’re always just one or two on their own, on a street corner somewhere. It makes me feel like I’m stepping into a space station or doing something really high tech and fancy :D Although they never dispense enough toilet paper so i have to touch the button like 3 times for one wipe.
love them
re: #4 – this year, two different neighbourhood kids used my house’s bathroom on halloween night while trick-or-treating. “Trick-or-Treat! …and can I use your bathroom?” Awesome way to keep trick-or-treating longer and in more comfort! (Safety Note: these were kids that I knew, and they had a parent with them.)
I pee at malls. Hotels are way too formal for peeing thing. Well, at least for me.
I love this! When my girlfriends and I were sightseeing in Barcelona we looked for nice hotels and went straight to the bathrooms!