You came, you dressed up, you conquered.

Now you’re walking around with bloodshot eyes and a gumball headache as you pack Princess costumes into boxes, peel decorations off the door, and get ready for the important business of sorting through your loot.

Now it’s time to focus. FOCUS. Work through that Halloween hangover and steady your nerves because it’s time to strike some big deals. Maybe a candy currency system even emerges amongst all your siblings and friends:

Large size chocolate bar: 20 points

Loot bag full of assorted treats: +/- 15 points depending on size of bag

Fun size chips or Doritos: 10 points

Popcorn ball: 6 points

Reese Peanut Butter Cup: 5 points (especially valuable if special Halloween version)

All other mini candy bars: 4 points

Little pack of fuzzy peaches or sour gummies: 4 points

Cake items such as Twinkies: 3 points

Two-pack of rock hard gum: 2 points

Licorice: 2 points

Caramels from a big well-known caramel company: 2 points

Lollipops: 2 points (Note: Possible points premium for large sizes or rare rainbow-colored lollipops.)

Lollipops with chewy stuff in the middle: Either 1 point or -2 points depending on whether you have braces

Caramels in clear plastic wrap that are overly sticky and have no name on it and taste like burnt sugar: 1 point

Tootsie Rolls: 1 point

Lemon flavoured anything: 0 points.

Pen from guy who sells real estate: 0 points

Anything healthy including raisins or apples: 0 points

Weird chewy generic halloween candy: -1 point.

So pour out your pillowcase and get ready for some high stakes deals on the basement floor. Don’t forget to keep your personal favorites a secret or you’ll pay a fool’s ransom. (If you sacrifice three bags of chips for a Twinkie, you’ve been had.) Lastly, know who you’re up against  — does anyone have nut allergies or unhealthy addictions to lime flavoring?

Bottom line: Get in there and get deal-making. Get in there and get teeth-breaking. Get in there and get

AWESOME!

Photos from: here, here, and here

Level 0. Real cobwebs, one pumpkin lying on the porch that isn’t carved, lollipops in a popcorn bowl.

Level 1. Fake stringy cobwebs across the front door, carved jack-o-lantern lying on the porch, plastic Halloween-themed sign on the door, mini candy bars handed out of a giant plastic orange pumpkin.

Level 2. Fake stringy cobwebs everywhere with giant black plastic spiders on them, more than two jack-o-lanterns on the porch with real candles flickering inside, creepy music of creaky doors and rattling chains playing through the window, candy handed out by someone wearing a Scream mask or long black cape, a pretend dead guy in a patio chair on the porch who turns out to be real when you get close to him.

Level 3. Garage transformed into haunted house featuring actual black cat, more than three jack-o-lanterns carved into detailed works of art, orange and black lightbulbs up the walk, full candy bars handed out by Halloween philanthropists in makeup and costumes, entire lawn transformed into graveyard with cardboard gravestones reading things like “Here lies good ol’ Colorblind Fred, thought the lights were green when they were red”, a pretend dead guy in a patio chair who actually turns out to be pretend because there’s another guy hiding in the bushes behind you who actually scares you, fog machine.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here, here, and here

Congratulations!

You just doubled the size of your essay in about three seconds.

You get an A for

AWESOME!

Admit it.

You’ve done the sniff test.

Sure, while shuffling through a mish-mashed drawer of balled up sweatsocks and stained undershirts a few minutes ago you started panicking when you thought there was nothing left. Soon your mind started racing into Plan B’s and C’s:

1. Rock the commando. Should you just skip underwear altogether? After all, it seems to be what the fates are telling you. On the plus side, you can leave the house right away and avoid being late for work. On the down side, zippers.

2. Pull a dirty pair out of the basket. Maybe you’re scoffing now, but we know you been there, too. Hey, sometimes you can totally justify it to yourself: “It’s probably air-dried itself clean by now”, “I didn’t sweat the day I wore these”, or the classic, “I know, I’ll just wear them inside out. I am a genius.”

3. Borrower beware. Whoa, whoa, whoa, over the line. Move on.

4. Go buy some. Unless you’re living in the remote rocky outskirts of a distant mining town, camping up north at a lakeside cabin, or getting changed after hours, there are decent odds a local discount chain has a plastic-wrapped three-pack with your name on it.

Yeah, it’s a stressful scene when the clock’s clicking, the baby’s crying, and you’re running late for work while running around pantsless. But that’s why it’s sweet when you keep digging and digging and digging and digging and eventually unearth a terribly twisted, torn and tattered, mothball-smelling pair of ratty old underwear you haven’t worn in years.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here and here

Suddenly your private one-liner is granted objective joke-telling credibility. Way to hold court in the bank lineup, crack up the ladies behind the sandwich counter, or leave the old guys at the urinals in stitches.

Way to walk in here and get everybody laughing.

Way to walk in here and get everybody feeling

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

My friend Matt went on a rant over the weekend.

“Do you realize how dangerous revolving doors are?” he began, with big popping eyes, concerned eyebrows, and a thick foamstache on his upper lip from the cappuccino he was sipping. “I mean, I’m surprised they’re actually left unguarded in public. Don’t you think it’s a miracle more limbs aren’t lost in those things? Crack, there goes your ankle in the doorjam. Smack, there goes your face against that unrelenting wall of glass.”

He nodded his head in little bobs while staring at the napkin dispenser deep in thought.

“I honestly think I might stop using them altogether…while I still can.”

I flashed him a thin, understanding smile while silently worrying he was becoming a bit too paranoid. What’s next, I wondered – boycotting shoelaces, avoiding escalators, carrying a pocket thermometer to dip into drinks before sipping?

Because let’s be honest. Revolving doors are part of life: they came, they’re here, they ain’t going anywhere, you know? Sure, using them safely is important. But that doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy them. After all, it’s pretty sweet coasting through one of them… especially when you don’t have to push:

1. Catching a draft. Someone’s in front of you so their pushing gets the door moving. Just watch out, though — since they leave the door before you, it’ll generally slow down fast before you get out. But be patient and let the door turn slowly, friend. You’ll make it.

2. The Invisible Force. Here’s where nobody’s around but the door is spinning like mad. Clearly some beefy strongman just whipped it into a frenzy while rushing to catch the bus or something. This spinning beauty sort of resembles that big wheel on The Price is Right whenever a guy from the army sent it flying. Careful getting in and then enjoy the speedy ride.

3. The Self-Starter. This one’s like The Invisible Force, except the slow speed and deep whirring noise tells you the door’s running from a power source. Deeply unsatisfying.

4. Sharing the pie. This is Matt’s worst nightmare. Here’s where you squeeze into the door right behind one of your friends. While they push you try to awkwardly speedwalk so the door doesn’t clip your heels.

Going through a revolving door without having the push feels like catching the rhythm of the universe. Entering, exiting, it doesn’t matter — nope, you just rode the wave of life without crashing into mess of bloody foreheads and shattered wrists.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here, here, and here

Wake me up.

Take off my pyjamas. Put a shirt on me. Pull up my pants. Do up my zipper. Tie my shoes. Make me breakfast. Wash my hands. Put me in the car seat. Buckle me up. Blow my nose. Turn on the TV. Change the video. Change the video. Change the video. Take me to the store. Buy me a toy. Buy me lunch.

Hold me.

Give me a sucker. Stick it in my mouth. Pick it up off the floor. Clean off the dirt. Play with me. Make me laugh. Cook me supper. Put me in my chair. Cut up my food. Put it on my fork. Stick it in my mouth. Wipe it off my chin. Carry me upstairs. Sing me a song.

Bathe me.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here and here

 

It’s a tiny paper-wrapped bar of soap, mesh bag of gold coin chocolates, Teddy Bear dressed as a Buckingham Palace guard, little foam shoe shiner thing, clicky-pen with a conference logo printed on it, mini bottle of maple syrup, matches from a really good restaurant, bedroom door nameplate with slightly incorrect spelling, stack of shiny Niagara Falls postcards, single-serve room service Ketchup bottles, XL T-shirt with ‘Cincinnati Cares!’ printed across it,  or one of those rocks that are cut in half and all purple and sparkly in the middle.

How did you know?

AWESOME!

Photo from: here and here

Candy doesn’t deliver.

Since Emperor Nero sent slaves into the mountains for ice to mix with honey and nuts two thousand years ago, we’ve all enjoyed cooling off with big bowls of the sweet and icy treat.

Yup, Arabs started adding milk to the mixture a thousand years later, the Chinese invented an ice cream maker, and our friends in France were first to write it down in a cookbook. Basically, everybody around Team Planet contributed to the unparalleled levels of creamy deliciosity we get to enjoy today.

Nowadays maybe you get your fix when the soccer team screams at mom from the back of the station wagon till she peels into the Dairy Queen parking lot. Or maybe you sneak down to the basement freezer for a few sneaky spoonfuls after bedtime.

Or maybe you actually catch a truck.

You know how it goes.

Scribbling on your stomach in your bedroom, playing Bubble Bobble with your brother in the basement, throwing baseballs around the backyard, your ears suddenly perk up to the sound of a distant and familiar jingling.

Eyeballs pop, eyebrows raise, and big smiles curl on your face because now the race is on.

Booming down the hall, bouncing down the stairs, you scramble for spare change as those jingling bells get louder and louder and louder. Forget socks, forget shoes, forget closing the front door — it’s time to blast out of the house and risk the Burning Blackfoot as you sprint as fast as you can down the street towards that slow-wheeling, rainbow-colored truck…

Can’t you just taste it?

AWESOME!

Photos from: here, here, here, and here

You waited a long time.

Cruising backwards in your baby seat, strapped into your toddler chair, sharing the bench with your little brother on those long drives downtown, you spent years putting up with child locks, bad views, and barf bags.

So when you finally get to ride in the front seat you deserve a big congratulations.

You just got promoted to adult.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here