Stare at that ceiling.
Sweaty palms, white knuckles, deep breaths in bed.
Maybe the ring’s stowed away and the reservations are made. Maybe the results are coming in and everyone’s coming over. Maybe you’re buttoning down for a new job or following your heart and leaving an old one.
As the moonlight shines in your window excitement bubbles in your brain.
It’s almost here.
AWESOME!
The Book of Awesome comes out tomorrow!
Photo from: here
Everybody hurts, sometimes.
Relationships fritz and fizzle, bad moods steam and sizzle, and we all have moments where all we wanna do is to curl up under a blanket so it all goes away.
In tear-stained moments of blackness, when the weight of the world hangs heavy, there’s nothing as sweet as a furry four-footed friend noticing your mood and coming over for a snuggle.
As your dog curls into your lap or your cat stares straight in your eyes you just suddenly sniff back hot salty tears and let a small smile curl onto your face.
AWESOME!
Breaking! We just got nominated for a Webby Award!
The Book of Awesome hits stands in 2 days. Check out the trailer.
It didn’t used to be this way.
For hundreds of thousands of years our species peed freely, whenever, wherever. Yes, whether we were roaming jungles, crossing ice bridges, or having picnics in plains, it wasn’t always pretty but when nature called, we answered.
Things are different now.
Most of the time our bladders are all locked up.
Yes, with our stadium seating, boardroom meetings, kid’s soccer games, and smooth highway lanes, the one thing we didn’t build in was an easy way to clear some leaves and squat in the corner. Honestly, how many times have you been looking for parking and circling the lot, waiting for a movie to wrap up the plot, or just fumbling with keys so you can race to the pot?
Listen, I’ve been there too. Yes, it’s always a tight squeeze, with bouncing knees, and gritted teeth, but we accept this tradeoff in exchange for living in our bright and modern World of Pants. And a world where everybody wears pants is great, don’t get me wrong. It’s just that it cramps our style sometimes.
That’s why finally peeing after holding it forever feels so great. It’s like millions of years of animalistic need bursting through the chains and restraints of modern social norms. It’s the bathroom equivalent of a primal scream and it feels oh so incredibly
AWESOME!
The New Yorker reviews The Book of Awesome (3 days!)
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Just look at them.
Cute, cuddly, giggly, smiling, holding hands wedged deeply in the restaurant booth. Picking nachos, sipping cola, you casually ask how they met and then listen with warm wide-eyed smiles as they stutter and stumble over all the little details and tiny moments that helped bring them together.
He did this, she did that, he was thinking this, she was thinking that. She thought he thought, but he thought she thought, and then there was this party, and then there was that night.
Just look at them.
AWESOME!
The Big Night Nap is any nap you take before going out for a big night.
When you nail this warm up nap perfectly you end up with a long memorable evening without dog yawns, wristwatch glances, and early cave-ins.
Now, that doesn’t mean Big Night Naps are easy to pull off. No, no, the truth is you gotta be careful in that late afternoon Napping Danger Zone:
1. The Power Nap. Top of the charts. This is the perfectly executed twenty-minute power up that fills up your energy bar and gets you ready to take on the world.
2. The Call Waiting Nap. Your plans aren’t firmed up so you leave your cell phone beside you. This forces you to pop up to answer text messages and take groggy phone calls.
3. The Choreographed Nap. This is where you convince all your friends to take a Big Night Nap, too. You know them well and realize they’ll zonk out early if they’re not in the game. Do like Parker Lewis and synchronize watches.
4. The Neverending Nap. Whoops! You were gonna do a quick snooze but your body had other plans. You groggily kick off your socks as your phone buzzes on your dresser. You’re going straight to morning now. Expect a 4:00am wake up call.
5. The Extend-O-Night Nap. You head out to someone’s house without napping but start losing steam as everyone else is revving up. So you head upstairs and take a quick zonkout on the bed full of jackets. You don’t have to be eight years old to pull this off, people. You’ll be back in the game in no time.
So… save ’em for new years, save ’em for slumber parties, save ’em for nights you need extra juice. Yes, when you go down early to get down late it’s a beautiful moment of party planning that we like to call
AWESOME!
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It’s all about water pressure.
Honestly, getting a misty low pressure shower is a slightly damp nightmare. You may as well spray yourself with a water bottle or shampoo your hair in the YMCA steam room at that point.
No, you want that high pressure spray down, you crave that high pressure spray down, you need that high pressure spray down. You know the one: it punches you in the heart, power blasts the armpit scum away, and turns your entire bathroom into a hot and steamy Chamber of Bliss.
Not much affects your day every day as much as a good shower. And it’s hard to fix a bad one. So when you find out your new place gives you a power-pumping start to the day, it’s time to close the door, strip right down, and get ready to get completely
AWESOME!
Hey, baby.
Take a ride on the wild side.
Yes, while walking down that empty grocery store aisle look left at the Cocoa Puffs, look right at the rice cakes, nod confidently, and then step on the cart and fly.
Apples bounce, salami slides, and there are some intense g-forces on your loaf of bread. But a few seconds later, a few feet away, how much are you smiling after that dangerous floor-tile thrill ride to the yogurt section?
Now, there are a few different ways the dangerous deeds go down.
Here we go:
1. Pedal to the metal. This is the classic one-foot ride to heaven. Two hands on the bar, one foot jammed underneath, and your back leg hanging out like a wobbly figure skater. Just make sure you’ve got a watermelon and a sack of potatoes in your cart to hold her steady.
2.Two Footer. This is similar to the Pedal to the metal, but with more commitment. Without your skiddy-soled runners providing an emergency brake anything could happen. Remember to know your limits and play safe out there.
3. A Tisket A Tasket. Someone’s riding in the basket. Make sure you don’t crash into a wall of soup because the only air bags in this thing are full of onions.
4. The Station Wagon. Remember that backseat in old station wagons facing the opposite direction? This is the shopping cart version. Hold on tight to the front of the cart and hope the driver doesn’t steer you into the egg wall.
5. The Submarine. Highly not-recommended. This deep sea move consists of riding underneath where the soda cans and diapers usually sit. It also consists of being at the mercy of the lunatic driver above you. Remember to be safe in that grocery store jungle. Nobody wants to go home with a forehead full of kidney bean can dents.
Yes, taking a quick spin on a shopping cart is a coffee aisle vacation.
It’s juice and jam jubilation.
It’s a diaper dash temptation.
And it’s a supermarket celebration.
AWESOME!
Toss it mean and catch it clean.
Drop that jaw, tilt that head, and let’s get down to business:
• Level 1: Pop Practice. It’s important to start small with popcorn. There are no penalties for misses here, since the corn is light and doesn’t collect much dust if it hits the ground. This is a baby step and it will take time to master, but it’s an important rite of passage before hitting the next levels. (Note: In some circles, this level also covers marshmallows, Cheerios, and Corn Pops.) 5 points.
• Level 2: The Grape Beyond. Yup, next step is big ol’ grapes. Usually someone on the other end of the movie couch is munching on the vine in their own little bowl. If you’re feeling a bit hungry, simply drop your mouth and tap the couch cushion while saying ‘Uhn! Uhnnnnn!’ to get their attention. Soon a cold, hard grape should be flying fast at you. If the toss is good you should catch it perfectly. Other fruits like raspberries and strawberries fit here as well. 10 points.
• Level 3: Dog On A Bone. This extremely advanced move involves catching something larger than your actual mouth. An apple, peeled orange, or corn on a cob are good targets. You need to time the molar chomp perfectly and be prepared for embarrassing T-shirt stains and a black eye. 25 points.
Yes, when you catch food in your mouth you’re suddenly sitting high on top of the snack-eating universe. You’ve just combined equal parts laziness and athletic ability in a daring couch potato feat the likes of which this family room has never seen before. So when you nail it smoothly you know what to do.
Chomp it loud.
Chew it proud.
AWESOME!
Crack that back.
Everybody’s got their own gorilla jungle noises when they wake up in the morning. There’s a few famous moves for waking up your bones:
1. The Insane Wiggle. This one’s the classic. There’s no focus and direction here — you’re just twisting and turning in a crumpled lump of sheets and twisted blankets. Maybe you squeeze your face into your pillow, pull your legs into your chest, or just let out some long slow grunts to feel that stretchy buzz in the small of your back.
2. The Starfish. This is where you lay in bed and stretch your arms and legs in all directions. The starfish works best if you somehow managed to land a night in a king-size hotel bed by yourself.
3. The Old Man Can Walk Again. When I lived in Boston my roommate Joey was famous for this. You’d hear his bedroom door creak open and he’d slowly inch out — hunched over in a stained undershirt and baggy boxers, blindly touch-feeling his way to the bathroom without his glasses on. Eventually he’d give a few loud grunts and stretch up like he was getting out of his wheelchair for the first time in years.
4. The Yogi Master. These people actually do real stretches when they wake up. They might even throw their hair in a ponytail, lay down the mat, and jump into a tight black unitard.
5. The Cobra. Here’s where you stretch your spine out by leaning up like a cobra. For full effect make sure to throw a few hisses and menacing head fakes at your sleeping husband.
6. The Safety Stretch. Here’s where your bed buddy is sleeping in a little later than you’re careful not to wake them. Watch the grunts, watch the groans, and stretch out nice and quietly, people. Sure, it’s not as rewarding but it sure beats accidental punching someone in the temple when they’re drooling and dreaming.
7. The Ballet Dancer. Prop one foot up on the radiator and lean forward like you’re about to hit the stage. Tutu optional but recommended.
8. The Dog Leg. That big dog stretch sends all your molecules zooming around so fast your leg just starts pounding the mattress uncontrollably.
Now, no matter your style it sure feels great to stretch that spine, get the blood flowing, and crack and pop all your bones into place. Plus, if you’re lucky enough to catch someone else in the middle of their giant sleepy-eyed stretch, well that’s just a bonus.
Bring on the day.
AWESOME!
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It’s a quiet night.
You’re driving your girlfriend home from the movies in your dusty, beat-up pickup truck. The moonlight casts strange shadows in the town square as you slow to a stop under a flickering streetlight. Something catches your eye in the rearview mirror just as your girlfriend lets out a blood-curdling scream — your truck’s suddenly surrounded! By something big, animals? No, big, bigger, they’re… people?
Bloody arms in tattered rags start smacking the truck and hollow eyes connect with yours through the window. As your girlfriend frantically pushes down locks you hit the gas and scream down side roads till you get to your aunt and uncle’s 24-hour diner.
Swerving into the gravelly parking lot you’re met with disaster. You race past blood-splattered shoes and broken glass on the walk before kicking open the screen door to a nightmare scene.
The place is full of zombies and they spot you immediately. You glance back and see your girlfriend screaming as they’ve surrounded her and started rocking the truck. As they awkwardly tipsy-teeter towards you from all directions, you scramble behind the counter, desperate for something, anything, to fight them off.
Suddenly your eyes spot an old wooden box under the counter with a big padlock on it. You bootkick it open and rip back the lid just as you hear the glass shatter outside and your girlfriend scream.
It’s a massive stash of weapons.
AWESOME!
Happy April Fool’s Day!
Photos from: here
