#972 Any food that requires Wet-Naps and a stack of napkins to eat

Sign of good things to come

My friend Mike once broke a tooth on a Buffalo wing. Snapped a big chunk off one night when he chomped down on a fatty, bony, Buffalo sauce-drenched chicken wing. But you know what? Mike just kept right on eating. With his new fang he looked like a bear who just woke up from hibernation, stumbled to the river and scooped a salmon out, then started gnawing viciously on its raw belly, pink guts spraying everywhere.

No, there wasn’t anything more important to Mike at that moment than finishing that delicious Buffalo wing, not even if it meant infecting exposed roots, cracking more teeth, or spraying sauce all over the table. He was in the The Any Food Requiring Moist Towelettes And Napkins Zone. His eyes stared straight ahead, his sticky, coated fingers balancing and turning the wing an inch from his face, Mike didn’t stop until he had turned the wing into a needle-thin bone and tossed it on the scrap plate. Then he leaned back on his chair gasping for air, bright red chicken wing guts smeared all over his mouth and fingers.

When I tell people this story they usually nod their head and say something like “Were the wings any good?”, or “I love Buffalo wings.” But this makes sense, because who really cares about Mike’s tooth? He’ll get it fixed. The point here is that wings are delicious. In fact, any food that requires moist towelettes and a stack of napkins is delicious. Ribs, rotisserie chicken, chili cheese fries? Delicious, delicious, even more delicious. All requiring a stack of napkins and some moist towelettes.

Extra points for the nose

We know these foods are great because of what happens whenever you’re out late at a bar, and somebody orders a pitcher, and then somebody else raises their eyebrows, looks around the table, and goes “Wings?” If this happens, no matter what you have to say: “Ohhhhhh….no, I really shouldn’t.” Then you let another really long pause just hang in the air as you slowly purse your lips and allow a very thin smile to reveal itself on your face. Then very quickly give an exasperated ‘I give in’ laugh, a head shake, and an “Alright, I’m in!”, and you’re done! (To show decisiveness and finality, it’s also recommend you toss your menu into the center of the table and tell a really long story about some hot wings you once ordered that turned out to be much hotter than you expected.)

So there you go. Messy, sticky, saucy food is great. You order it, you polish it off, and then there are three ways to use the moist towelette and napkin combo at the end:

Method #1: Use the napkin first. Draw off all the extra sauce and random fried crumbs, and then clean up real nice afterwards with the moist towelette. Perfect!

Method #2: Use the moist towelette first. Rub that towelette until it turns red and cleans off your fingers, then dry off with the stack of napkins. Perfect!

Method #3: Here napkins are used pre- and post-towelette. The idea is that they first remove all the big crumbs, then the towelette comes in to clean everything off real nice, and finally the napkins return for the big dry-off. Perfect!

Whatever your style, one thing’s for sure: When that handful of Wet-Naps and stack of napkins arrives at the table, you better get yourself ready for a great night.


Time to get dirty

39 thoughts on “#972 Any food that requires Wet-Naps and a stack of napkins to eat

  1. I thought the old dangerous plyground equipment was the best so far, but this one may be a tie. The description of the wing ordering process is dead on.

  2. New Orleans Po-Boy sandwich. Tourists are all “why do I need napkins for a sub?” Then it arrives and they are covered in crumbs, lettuce, and mayo/mustard/gravy before they take a single bite.

  3. I went to Medieval Times about two weeks ago.

    It was the greatest dining experience I’ve ever had! They don’t even *give* you utensils. You slurp your soup out of the fucking bowl, m’lord. The main course? Half a goddamned chicken. Half a chicken! And it’s not that awful, gross, rubbery-smooth chicken, either. This is the good stuff. Mmmmmm…

    But the real moist towlette winner is the rib. It comes after the chicken and the soup and the bread, so at that point you’re sure you can’t eat another bite. They only give you that one single rib, but as if to make up for their shortcomings, half a baked potato is delivered at the same time. That rib, I believe, is there solely to make sure your hands do not leave that stadium unsauced. Also, the potato’s _really_ good.

    1. Oh, my god, do I love Medieval Times!
      I’ve been there with friends a couple times and when they give you the whole bird, man, is it greasy! My friends don’t really like ribs (I have NO idea why) so they give me theirs and I end up with two or three. SWEET

  4. amen, Tyler, heh heh.
    In the cleaning methods, I prefer method #2. I hate getting sticky, unless it’s teriyaki chicken! :P

  5. Oh yes, the unadulterated bliss of eating food with your hands. Knowing you are covered head to toe in yummy sauce that you are ungraciously going to lick off, then do the ceremonial wet-ones bath! :)

  6. I practically have OCD with this sort of thing. And I mean that — as a man — in the sense that I’m practically almost pregnant.


    Seems an opportunity for a semi-colon scuppered:

    ‘on its raw belly, pink guts spraying everywhere.’

    My haughty now-power of this revelation has also been ‘scuppered’ by having to look up the word, ‘scuppered.’

    Punishment involved unfortunate repetition.

  7. I feel it’s necessary to mention an incredibly important method #4 which SURPRISINGLY hasn’t been touched on, and is the most delicious method I believe…
    Your fingers are covered in deliciousness, why WASTE that on a napkin that doesn’t understand the plethora of flavour it’s being introduced to… You lick your fingers til they’re as good clean, follow up with a napkin for whatever your teeth can’t scrape off, or mouth/tongue won’t reach, and finally polish it off with a wet-nap for that “just cleaned” look and smell…
    What you’re left with is no waste, great taste and fingers ready for picking your nose with :D [see #982]

    1. :) I completely agree with method #4 and feel that it should be included somewhere in the book of Awesome! What a dreadful oversight! I’m glad you caught it, Sawalski!

  8. Maryland hot steamed crabs – not to be eaten with a paper cut or open wound of any kind. They’re the best.

    1. My husband once made a point of Yelping a crabhouse in Baltimore on our way to D.C. just to take me out for steamed crabs. My 6 year old ate steamed mussels, and my hubbie tried crabcakes for the first time (solely a shrimp and scallop eater he is). It was heaven. of course on the way back we had reroute to Philly to go get him a Philly Cheese Steak at Geno’s!!!!! we will travel for food!

  9. I love Pizza Hut’s hot wings they’re AWESOME! Ooh and don’t forget Apple bee’s buffalo wings!

  10. Sawalski: Oh god I thought nobody thought of this! I do this with every food that’s messy, I like my fingers first! Even with cheese puffs, barbecue ribs, or hot saucy wings, its the best method and then comes the washing of the hands!

  11. we hear a lot about mike… does he know you’re giving away such personal info online?

  12. sugarloaf.
    black diamond burritos.

    i. dare. you.

    this thing was massive BEFORE it fell apart and the chipotle bbq sauce oozed all over me. whoever makes these things has my high five.

  13. This happened to my son Tim. He didn’t want to fix the cracked tooth….liked the “snaggletooth” look better!

  14. Love the wings and ribs.
    wish we had medieval days, sound like a blast from the past,hahaha

  15. I also loved Medievil Times!
    Another type of food that can be messy is anything that is really too big to eat with a fork but shouldn’t eat with your fingers and they don’t give you a knife, so you get to shove really big pieces in your mouth, with chopsticks no less….dumplings and sushi!!!!!

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