#950 Big, fat asses

And that's a good thing!

This ain’t no party line.

Let’s not talk about how you need to accept yourself for who you are, not what you look like, or how it’s what’s inside that counts. Let’s talk about the big ol’ side of ham hanging out the back of your pants. That’s a great side of ham for five big reasons:

1. Built-in seat cushion. Everywhere you go, everywhere you sit, things are just a bit more cushy. Tough bicycle seats on long bike rides, waiting chairs at the doctor’s office, the hard plastic fold-downs at the baseball game — yes, they all transform into soft and comfortable relax-o-sits. Practical and convenient.

2. You last the longest after a crash landing in the mountains. The skinny, bony people on your rugby team won’t last long camping out and shivering in the hollow, burnt-out fuselage. No, the harsh, unforgiving Andes will eat them right up. But your generous reserves will kick-in and start feeding the rest of your body so you’ll have more energy to flag down a plane.

3. Baby got baby. Larger rears often mean wider hips on women which means a body riper for fertility and making babies. If you want to have kids, you might find it a bit easier to do so. And hey, some of us wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for fat asses, so give it up, y’all.

4. Better conga line caboose. Say you’re at a wedding and Feeling hot! hot! hot! comes on. The crowd cheers and a giant, winding conga line begins snaking around the dance floor. Well, my friend, that big, fat ass you got is the best caboose on that conga line. So I say shake it. Nobody wants to see a rail-thin toothpick awkwardly shimmying at the back of the line. No, they want to see someone just loving it, just getting right into it, just shaking their ass like there’s no tomorrow. Olé, olé, indeed.

5. Say no to diabetes. According to these eggheads at Harvard, folks with a larger rear end may have a smaller chance of getting diabetes. Yeah, they call it subcutaneous fat, and it apparently helps improve sensitivity to insulin, which helps keep blood sugar in check. Thanks, Harvard! And thanks, fat ass!

So if you have a big, fat ass, I say love it for real. Because your big, fat ass is keeping you comfortable, helping you survive, pumping out babies, getting the dance floor hopping, and keeping diabetes in check. Just tell me that’s not


Photos from: here and here

67 thoughts on “#950 Big, fat asses

  1. Grabs the dingdongs and snowballs…no running for me today! Another awesome reason to let the booty get “licious”

  2. When I was pregnant, I had to buy a second set of maternity pants. Sure, there’s an expanding panel in the front for belly growth, but the back was disappointingly unaccomodating. I guess my body was just trying to balance me out.

  3. Fat bottom girls you make the rockin’ world go ’round. – Queen

    Big bottom, big bottom, talk about mud flaps my girl’s got ’em. – Spinal Tap

    1. I had not seen this comment until just now. Thank you, sir. Because of you I will have a phenomenal Queen song stuck in my head today.

      Fat bottom girls? Awesome.
      Queen? Awesome.
      A Queen song about fat bottomed girls? Doubly awesome.

  4. I’m no girl, but I can identify with some of this. After being diagnosed with cancer, getting treated and losing 100lbs in the process, I can now no longer sit for more than 10 minutes without my ass hurting. There’s no more tailbone padding back there! Even the once comfy seats in my car can start to hurt on long trips.

    I may have to get an bum doughnut to sit on soon!

  5. I have bought toys for my children since they were born. And from the moment they were able to crawl and hold themselves up they have done nothing but use my butt as a cushion, a bouncy pad, a run and bang into toy. They are 8 and 10 now and they tell me every day that they love the junk in mommies trunk. They beg me not to lose the Junk, if I do they won’t have anything to play with.

    Their favorite game is to whole onto my butt and have me shake them until they fall onto the ground. There’s no way Toys R Us can beat that…

    Gotta love da buns!!!!

    1. You should make a cam-cording of the kids and you playing their game, and put it on YouTube. I’d bet it would be a large seller.
      I’d also bet that your padded buns make for very cushy sitting.

      1. I hope you didn’t actually believe what she said…

        If any ten year old body weight can hang onto someone’s ass and have their feet off the ground you’ve either got yourself some REALLY REALLY long legs or ONE SHORT KID.

        And a weird kid. Who hangs on his mom’s ass!?

        1. Don – bit of a sad childhood you had my dear

          I used to play this game with my mum all the time. The point is not to sit/stay on the bottom, but to be thrown off into an awkward summersault. Similarly, hanging onto your Dad’s legs while he walks; the thrill is not in hanging on but in slowly losing grip and landing face to floor, laughing until you wet your pants.

  6. Speaking of fat ases has bacon been discussed? I can’t remember because my arteries are probably clogged with all the beautiful bacon I just ate!
    was making it for blts later but I ate it before so I guess I just had a b lol
    anyway I just love taking the battery out of the fire alarm and frying it up! I don’t have it often but when I do I remember why it is soo awesome!!!

    1. Wtf? You’re odd… and you can’t be serious… that’s just… wow.


  7. Unfortunately, a big tushie does not totally protect you from injury. :( I was in a very bad car accident in 1991, and my extra padding did not save me from crushing my tailbone…..

    However, it does warm up a chair for the next person on a cold day *quite* nicely! =)

    1. steven, you are stupid. Fat asses aren’t always on fat people. I have a fat ass and i’m a size 6. I love my fat ass and my boyfriend damn sure loves it too. Hell the guys on the street love it too…it is what is!! I LOVE HAVING A FAT ASS!!!!!

      1. That’s right, represent girl! LOL, I’m a fat assed dominican girl, from Jersey too, lol!

    2. Wow you really are stupid. I’m black, Italian and Puerto Rican so you know I’m bound to have a ton of ass. However, I’m 5′ 10″ and a size 2 so it looks a bit out of place. Guys love it though lol

  8. From Sir Mix-A-Lot:

    I like big butts and I can not lie
    You other brothers can’t deny
    That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
    And a round thing in your face
    You get sprung, wanna pull out your tough
    ‘Cause you notice that butt was stuffed
    Deep in the jeans she’s wearing
    I’m hooked and I can’t stop staring

  9. steven, you are stupid. Fat asses aren’t always on fat people. I have a fat ass and i’m a size 6. I love my fat ass and my boyfriend damn sure loves it too. Hell the guys on the street love it too…it is what is!! I LOVE HAVING A FAT ASS!!!!!

  10. As a proud owner of not just a booty but a boooootaaay, I appreciate this post. I come from a long line of rumplicious ladies and I love it for real. And I love this site for real!

  11. Woot! Woot! Woot! Your fans are as awesome as you are. I love the Mommy who shakes her kids ’till they all fall down. I can hear them all laughing from here. C’mon Don – get in on the fun!
    I love it! (*_~)

  12. Hey, the baby thing isn’t strictly true–it’s the shape of the pelvis that matters. You can have a great baby-bearing pelvis without a bunch of padding and do just fine.

  13. You all know very well that some people have such fat asses that there is no way in hell they can wipe their asses while sitting on the stool.That in it’s self would really turn me off having sex with them .Of course there always guys out there who would screw any girl no matter what.

  14. I think both Steven and Dean must have been dumped by a big, fat assed woman.
    This site is hilarious. I about laughed my own big, fat ass off reading this one!!

  15. I’m a black woman, and I totally have one, with a small waist.

    I grew up to the sound of men saying, “DA-YUM” as I walk by. In fact, I’ve been told that both “Baby Got Back” and “Poison” (“Never trust a big butt and a smile”) were written for me. LOL.

    Now, I try to downplay it with wide pants when I’m working, but it’s hard to hide. I teach college as an adjunct. I have turned suddenly and I know some of my students were “enjoying” watching me write on the board, by the location of their eyes…

    But when I go out, I wear clothes that flatter it. And I know how to walk that sexy walk that makes it look oh-so-good.

    And I have to admit… the day that men stop saying, “DA-YUM” when I walk by will by will be a sad day indeed…

    This happened this past weekend. I was out with a woman from work, and even she commented on the number of times it was said. It’s good to know that at 37, my ass is still AWESOME…

  16. Well, I suppose this helps the er, people with slightly larger behinds feel better. More comical than “awesome” though in my opinion…not all of us relate to this (o_O). but still, it’s funny. so, the funny covers up for…uh…whatever. still awesome. :)

  17. Since I stumbled and fell for 1000 Awesome Things, (Jan.1st,2011), I rarely have time to eat cuz apparently food is not allowed by the computer … so why is it that my jeans hardly fit anymore and I get numb-bum when I don’t believe I did not even when I was really thin…I am baffled…this is my dilemma and this is my question?!*

  18. wendy- less moving around/exercise?

    I’m on medication and it’s making not only my ass, but everything else (thighs, hips, stomach, you get the picture) fat. It makes me miserable. To see that the ass must be on a slimmer person isn’t comforting. I’ve also recently discovered that I have a bad knee, which eliminates/alters many exercises I might do to lose the weight. I’m very upset about that. I don’t know what to do. :(


  19. Ashley, I too forgot to subscribe, so am back to your comment now.
    Yes, my situation too turned out to be a certain medication, so now for inflammation I get acupuncture; am eating foods to help as well and getting as many walk-abouts as I can. For the times you can’t walk, (which I have too), I was given a seated yoga by my thoughtful daughters, because they know how I like to move!
    Best of luck to you=)

  20. I’m late to the party but this post made me Laugh my fat ass off!!!
    Not really, but I did laugh out loud.
    I still have my fat ass and feel much better about it now. :D
    Thank you!

  21. Amazing! I for the FIRST TIME feel truly BLESSED for a large part of me (usually I soothe my negative feelings about my ample backside by simply choosing not to identify with it due to the fact that I simply cannot see it; therefore for me it does not exist…Okay, it most certainly does but not being able to see what I got going on back there seats me in comfortably in daily denial…lol) BUTT! Why deny when I can amplify? ;)

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