Once upon a time, I used to work on a college newspaper. The paper was halfway-decent, with some really strong writers, editors, and layouters. And it turned into a really tight-knit group — probably the result of a lot of late nights spent together drunk on Country-Time Lemonade and laser printer fumes.
Now, when I first joined the paper I remember hearing the cool senior kids using some phrases my friends and I never used in high school. For instance, whenever you asked someone to do something that wasn’t their responsibility, they’d just reply “Not my pants!” and walk away. Since it was pretty hard to enforce serious accountability amongst a bunch of volunteer college slackers on Sunday night at 11:30pm, you’d usually just end up doing the job yourself — the unrevised article replaced by a recipe off the Internet, the Editor’s reply to a scathing letter replaced by a photocopy of a hippo.
One day I made the mistake of asking how the phrase “Not my pants!” originated. The story I heard was delivered third- or fourth-hand, but it is painful and scars me to this day. It went something like:
“Well, one night my roommate was sitting on the couch watching reruns on TV wearing a big pair of baggy sweatpants owned by my other roommate. It was really late, he was really tired, and the only thing keeping him up was the fact that he really had to go to the bathroom. Yeah, number two. So anyway, he’s sitting there, really not wanting to get up, and eventually, in a tired, fuzzy head-daze he just says to himself ‘Awwww, not my pants’, and proceeds to go to the bathroom right there… in the pants.”
Yes, folks, that’s the story. Believe me, I don’t like sharing it with you and I had some doubts about whether or not I should. But now that it’s out there, you all know a memory that I’m forced to live with for the rest of my life. I guess the moral of the story is never lend anyone your sweatpants. Because lady, those things are just so comfortable that whoever you lend them to might not get up to go to the bathroom. For real.
Yes, old, faithful sweatpants. So comfortable, yet so risky for wearing out of the house. Seriously, how many of you would pull off The Sweatpant Look next time you were going out to a movie or the grocery store? I bet not too many, despite the fact that sweatpants are God’s Gift To Legs and they’re just so simple and practical. I mean, for instance:
- No need for a belt. You just toss ‘em on and you’re good to go. Just think: if we all switched to sweatpants, we’d render the belt obsolete. No more belts! Gone, just like that, forever replaced by a superior technology: the elastic waistband.
- Easy to turn into shorts. You just roll them right on up and you’re good. That’s right: Instant shpants. Now that’s flexibility. A side benefit is that they don’t look terrible, unlike rolled up suitpants or rolled up tight, white jeans.
- Stretchiness. Have you ever heard someone say “I lost thirty pounds! I had to buy all new clothes!” I have, too. And have you ever heard someone say “There was a sale on Ben & Jerry’s last week and now none of my clothes fit me!” Me neither, but you know that’s going on, too. The point is that most clothes aren’t that stretchy, so if the size of you changes, so does the size of your clothes. And that usually means you have to go buy more. But guess what? You don’t need to buy new sweatpants! Yes, sweatpants are like the caring, understanding, stretchy friend in your closet. They’ll just wrap themselves around you comfortably, whatever size you are. Thanks, pal.
- Warmth. Hey, when you’re walking around in your beltless shpants, it’s easy to overlook one of the key sweatpant features. That’s right, folks, I’m talking about warmth. I mean, there’s a reason they’re not called shiverpants.
- Relatively cheap. What is up with the price of pants? You’d think we’re buying bald-eagle-head-encrusted cashmere-infused Kobe leather trousers judging by the price of some of these things. I mean, they’re pants! Keep them affordable, people. We don’t got cash. Have you taken a look at the economy lately? Everyone’s broke! That’s why it’s all about the sweatpants. A side benefit is that they rarely change color or style, so you can use them for years to come without worry. Remember, when it comes to sweatpants, gray is the new gray.
So let’s sit back and smile and slow smile, nod a slow nod, and clap a slow clap. Let’s raise our drinks, then clink them, then drink them. Yes, let’s give cheers to sweatpants. Let’s say thank you sweatpants, for everything you do, on behalf of the world’s hot, comfortable legs.
AWESOME!
Ah, sweatpants. I think it should be pointed out that mens sweatpants are about a billion times better than womans sweatpants (that is, if you’re looking at sweatpants sold and more “trendy” stores.) I recently bought sweatpants for my boyfriend. They now belong to me. They’re amazing.
The best part of taking a dance class in school was being able to slip out of the uniform and into a pair of sweatpants for 76 minutes each day. I looked for excuses to leave class and go to my locker just so I could soak in the envious stares of my fellow students as they wished that they, too, were wearing sweatpants. Put a bunch of over-energetic high school kids in uniforms and when they see me walking down the hall, the unanimous response is “you look soooooo comfortable.” Thank you sweatpants!
Made to be worn around the house and be the best pothead that i can!!!
http://andthisismyamerica.com/2008/09/16/what-a-start-to-the-week/
I have replaced sweatpants with yoga pants in my wardrobe, but now I feel like I need to go back to good old sweats!
I may be wrong, Neil, but I thought the “not my pants” story involved the brothers Blair.
You, sir, can read minds.
When I woke up this cool morning and took a peek in my closet, did I grab my jeans in hopes it would stay cold all day? No sir I did not. I grabbed my good old sweatpants. And sure enough, when it warmed up, good ole sweatpants became life savers that are called shpants.
Awesome!
yes, by god, yes.
sweatpants are the awesomest of pants ever created. no, EVAR created.
yoga pants are almost as good, but not quite so universally flattering since they tend to show off all of the things you go to yoga to fix. . .
Well, I’m with you man.
And you know what beats sweatpants?
The Sunday afternoon illegal nap – in sweatpants.
Yep. I’m talking hangover-style here
Forgot the report due on Monday – grab your sheets, dig in the couch and roll up the pants.
Mmmm
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aka Buffet Pants, their ever-expanding waistband accommodates yours
To pull off sweatpants in public , you must also be wearing running shoes and a track suit jacket or hoodie. Plus a water bottle and a thin film of sweat on your forehead …… make it look like were just getting some exercise and not giving up on the day/week/life.
aka, period pants
Your web site is beautiful. I wish you continued success.
I LOVE SWEATPANTS YAAAAA :)
im wearing sweatpants rite now!
rock on, man! sweatpants are 100% awesome. i hate to wear jeans and basically only wear sweats/leggings when going somewhere, unless jeans or other pants are neccessary. but really, jeans are soo overrated!
My Uncle Joe came to Thanksgiving dinner. My mom’s a home-ec teacher. He brought his “eatin pants”. I love your site!!!
Yeah, reading this made me think about the story of “apple juice” that happened to my friend. Don’t ask.
Okay, fine. I’ll tell you.
My friend REALLY needed to go to the bathroom, but she couldn’t hold it. So we went to the change room where there was a bathroom. Unfortunately, she ALMOST peed in here pants. Lucky she pulled her pants down. But she peed on the floor of the change room. Later that day, when we went to the change room again, there was this girl who came in and we were like, “Ewww… Some spit APPLE JUICE!!” So she was like, it smells funny…. No one knows this what the apple juice REALLY was except for the witnesses. Who saw her pee. Me and my friend and another friend. The three amigos. We’re still friends. ♥♥♥♥ (Fortunately,the other girl didn’t know what the “apple juice” really was. ☺☻☺☻)
I’m wearing a black one right now, and it’s an excellent winter cloth :D
drawstring sweatpants are one of the greatest inventions to have ever blessed our little lives. They are right up there with Tivo, microwaves & cell-phones.
I must disagree with you here. Sweatpants should be illegal ;)
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comfy and cool. If you do it right.
I MUST agree with the loveliness that is sweat pants. Another good thing about sweat pants is… seeing other people in them in public makes you feel relieved that you’re not wearing them… especially thinner tighter sweats… as they often leave little to the imagination.
Have you ever worn them inside-out?
It takes the comfyness to a whole new level.
I wear them to restauraunts, movies, shopping…basically anywhere regular people don’t.
When I get home from work the first thing I do is run uptairs and change into a pair. I have more pairs of sweatpants then I do anything else.
aka. Trakkie dacks! So comfy.
I have this largely oversized, dark grey sweatpants, with a weirdly low crotch (it’s down near my knees, even if the waistband is up by my bellybutton), that I got while in Army Cadets many moons ago, and there is no way I am getting rid of them! I can see myself in the future, laying around the house, married and prego and they still would fit like a dream. They were (and still are) my favourite piece of Canadian military issue clothing.
I was in cadets from ages 12-18, and joined the CIC at 19. I’m now 20, and own more pairs of company clothing sweat pants than I do jeans. It’s absolutely glorious, and I practically have enough to do a two week rotation without doing laundry. lol. That is all.
We call them Tracky Dacks in Australia. :)
i dunno about you guys, but where i live, everyone wears sweatpants out. there’s even trendy ones now, too. I rocked mine all day in classes along with my favorite hoody. btw, this blog is literally made of awesome. thx for the smiles :)
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Love the “grey, is the new grey” line.
Ahh, sweat pants lined in soft fleece, the best, on a cold winter’s day, out from the pool or hot tub, down with the cold or flu, under the weather, glutteny, gassey… closest thing to pjs., saggy butt, no worries, they’re great!
…and doesn’t a toddler just look adorable in them!
grand son toddler is walking…Hallelujah!!!
I’m totally wearing sweatpants right now, it’s the perfect peice of clothing for early morning marching band rehersals. Oh sweatpants, what would I do without you?
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