Once upon a time, I used to work on a college newspaper. The paper was halfway-decent, with some really strong writers, editors, and layouters. And it turned into a really tight-knit group — probably the result of a lot of late nights spent together drunk on Country-Time Lemonade and laser printer fumes.
Now, when I first joined the paper I remember hearing the cool senior kids using some phrases my friends and I never used in high school. For instance, whenever you asked someone to do something that wasn’t their responsibility, they’d just reply “Not my pants!” and walk away. Since it was pretty hard to enforce serious accountability amongst a bunch of volunteer college slackers on Sunday night at 11:30pm, you’d usually just end up doing the job yourself — the unrevised article replaced by a recipe off the Internet, the Editor’s reply to a scathing letter replaced by a photocopy of a hippo.
One day I made the mistake of asking how the phrase “Not my pants!” originated. The story I heard was delivered third- or fourth-hand, but it is painful and scars me to this day. It went something like:
“Well, one night my roommate was sitting on the couch watching reruns on TV wearing a big pair of baggy sweatpants owned by my other roommate. It was really late, he was really tired, and the only thing keeping him up was the fact that he really had to go to the bathroom. Yeah, number two. So anyway, he’s sitting there, really not wanting to get up, and eventually, in a tired, fuzzy head-daze he just says to himself ‘Awwww, not my pants’, and proceeds to go to the bathroom right there… in the pants.”
Yes, folks, that’s the story. Believe me, I don’t like sharing it with you and I had some doubts about whether or not I should. But now that it’s out there, you all know a memory that I’m forced to live with for the rest of my life. I guess the moral of the story is never lend anyone your sweatpants. Because lady, those things are just so comfortable that whoever you lend them to might not get up to go to the bathroom. For real.
Yes, old, faithful sweatpants. So comfortable, yet so risky for wearing out of the house. Seriously, how many of you would pull off The Sweatpant Look next time you were going out to a movie or the grocery store? I bet not too many, despite the fact that sweatpants are God’s Gift To Legs and they’re just so simple and practical. I mean, for instance:
- No need for a belt. You just toss ‘em on and you’re good to go. Just think: if we all switched to sweatpants, we’d render the belt obsolete. No more belts! Gone, just like that, forever replaced by a superior technology: the elastic waistband.
- Easy to turn into shorts. You just roll them right on up and you’re good. That’s right: Instant shpants. Now that’s flexibility. A side benefit is that they don’t look terrible, unlike rolled up suitpants or rolled up tight, white jeans.
- Stretchiness. Have you ever heard someone say “I lost thirty pounds! I had to buy all new clothes!” I have, too. And have you ever heard someone say “There was a sale on Ben & Jerry’s last week and now none of my clothes fit me!” Me neither, but you know that’s going on, too. The point is that most clothes aren’t that stretchy, so if the size of you changes, so does the size of your clothes. And that usually means you have to go buy more. But guess what? You don’t need to buy new sweatpants! Yes, sweatpants are like the caring, understanding, stretchy friend in your closet. They’ll just wrap themselves around you comfortably, whatever size you are. Thanks, pal.
- Warmth. Hey, when you’re walking around in your beltless shpants, it’s easy to overlook one of the key sweatpant features. That’s right, folks, I’m talking about warmth. I mean, there’s a reason they’re not called shiverpants.
- Relatively cheap. What is up with the price of pants? You’d think we’re buying bald-eagle-head-encrusted cashmere-infused Kobe leather trousers judging by the price of some of these things. I mean, they’re pants! Keep them affordable, people. We don’t got cash. Have you taken a look at the economy lately? Everyone’s broke! That’s why it’s all about the sweatpants. A side benefit is that they rarely change color or style, so you can use them for years to come without worry. Remember, when it comes to sweatpants, gray is the new gray.
So let’s sit back and smile and slow smile, nod a slow nod, and clap a slow clap. Let’s raise our drinks, then clink them, then drink them. Yes, let’s give cheers to sweatpants. Let’s say thank you sweatpants, for everything you do, on behalf of the world’s hot, comfortable legs.
AWESOME!
Photos from: here, here, and here
28 Comments
September 16, 2008 at 2:21 am
Ah, sweatpants. I think it should be pointed out that mens sweatpants are about a billion times better than womans sweatpants (that is, if you’re looking at sweatpants sold and more “trendy” stores.) I recently bought sweatpants for my boyfriend. They now belong to me. They’re amazing.
September 16, 2008 at 7:50 am
The best part of taking a dance class in school was being able to slip out of the uniform and into a pair of sweatpants for 76 minutes each day. I looked for excuses to leave class and go to my locker just so I could soak in the envious stares of my fellow students as they wished that they, too, were wearing sweatpants. Put a bunch of over-energetic high school kids in uniforms and when they see me walking down the hall, the unanimous response is “you look soooooo comfortable.” Thank you sweatpants!
September 16, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Made to be worn around the house and be the best pothead that i can!!!
http://andthisismyamerica.com/2008/09/16/what-a-start-to-the-week/
September 16, 2008 at 1:53 pm
I have replaced sweatpants with yoga pants in my wardrobe, but now I feel like I need to go back to good old sweats!
September 16, 2008 at 4:14 pm
I may be wrong, Neil, but I thought the “not my pants” story involved the brothers Blair.
September 16, 2008 at 8:26 pm
You, sir, can read minds.
When I woke up this cool morning and took a peek in my closet, did I grab my jeans in hopes it would stay cold all day? No sir I did not. I grabbed my good old sweatpants. And sure enough, when it warmed up, good ole sweatpants became life savers that are called shpants.
Awesome!
September 17, 2008 at 10:12 am
yes, by god, yes.
sweatpants are the awesomest of pants ever created. no, EVAR created.
yoga pants are almost as good, but not quite so universally flattering since they tend to show off all of the things you go to yoga to fix. . .
October 3, 2008 at 8:34 pm
Well, I’m with you man.
And you know what beats sweatpants?
The Sunday afternoon illegal nap – in sweatpants.
Yep. I’m talking hangover-style here
Forgot the report due on Monday – grab your sheets, dig in the couch and roll up the pants.
Mmmm
February 18, 2009 at 9:03 am
[...] go from a lazy potato chips ‘n’ naps fan laying on the couch in a crumb-covered pile of sweatpants, bedhead, and BO to an insightful sports critic with a sharp eye, quick tongue, and backup second [...]
May 4, 2009 at 2:19 am
aka Buffet Pants, their ever-expanding waistband accommodates yours
May 7, 2009 at 2:23 pm
To pull off sweatpants in public , you must also be wearing running shoes and a track suit jacket or hoodie. Plus a water bottle and a thin film of sweat on your forehead …… make it look like were just getting some exercise and not giving up on the day/week/life.
May 17, 2009 at 1:08 pm
aka, period pants
August 23, 2009 at 4:36 am
Your web site is beautiful. I wish you continued success.
September 17, 2009 at 7:28 pm
I LOVE SWEATPANTS YAAAAA :)
November 29, 2009 at 8:55 pm
im wearing sweatpants rite now!
November 29, 2009 at 10:10 pm
rock on, man! sweatpants are 100% awesome. i hate to wear jeans and basically only wear sweats/leggings when going somewhere, unless jeans or other pants are neccessary. but really, jeans are soo overrated!
December 7, 2009 at 10:17 pm
My Uncle Joe came to Thanksgiving dinner. My mom’s a home-ec teacher. He brought his “eatin pants”. I love your site!!!
December 10, 2009 at 10:54 pm
Yeah, reading this made me think about the story of “apple juice” that happened to my friend. Don’t ask.
December 10, 2009 at 11:15 pm
Okay, fine. I’ll tell you.
My friend REALLY needed to go to the bathroom, but she couldn’t hold it. So we went to the change room where there was a bathroom. Unfortunately, she ALMOST peed in here pants. Lucky she pulled her pants down. But she peed on the floor of the change room. Later that day, when we went to the change room again, there was this girl who came in and we were like, “Ewww… Some spit APPLE JUICE!!” So she was like, it smells funny…. No one knows this what the apple juice REALLY was except for the witnesses. Who saw her pee. Me and my friend and another friend. The three amigos. We’re still friends. ♥♥♥♥ (Fortunately,the other girl didn’t know what the “apple juice” really was. ☺☻☺☻)
January 29, 2010 at 12:25 pm
I’m wearing a black one right now, and it’s an excellent winter cloth :D
April 20, 2010 at 6:31 pm
drawstring sweatpants are one of the greatest inventions to have ever blessed our little lives. They are right up there with Tivo, microwaves & cell-phones.
April 21, 2010 at 5:20 pm
I must disagree with you here. Sweatpants should be illegal ;)
May 6, 2010 at 2:17 am
[...] just tell me that’s not a pathetic scene: cut to freeze-frame of tired-looking man in bedhead and sweatpants holding the edge of aluminum foil in one hand and an empty box in the other, then slowly pan down to [...]
May 6, 2010 at 10:52 pm
comfy and cool. If you do it right.
May 17, 2010 at 11:05 pm
I MUST agree with the loveliness that is sweat pants. Another good thing about sweat pants is… seeing other people in them in public makes you feel relieved that you’re not wearing them… especially thinner tighter sweats… as they often leave little to the imagination.
May 26, 2010 at 7:10 am
Have you ever worn them inside-out?
It takes the comfyness to a whole new level.
June 14, 2010 at 3:24 pm
I wear them to restauraunts, movies, shopping…basically anywhere regular people don’t.
When I get home from work the first thing I do is run uptairs and change into a pair. I have more pairs of sweatpants then I do anything else.
June 27, 2010 at 3:12 am
aka. Trakkie dacks! So comfy.