#929 Your colon

Love your colon

Have you ever run the last leg of the relay?

If you have then you know it’s a stressful experience, because you either make it or break it. I mean, you’re either ahead and it’s up to you to hold the lead, or you’re behind and it’s up to you to make it up. Everyone else is done, so they’re just standing behind you relaxing and catching their breath while you give everything you’ve got to sprint for the finish line. And of course, because you’re last you’re dealing with a sweaty baton, a trampled path, and cold muscles.

It’s not easy.

Well, guess who’s running the last leg of the relay in your body? Guess who’s anchoring the team? Guess who’s picking up the slack? Guess who’s taking the baton for the final leg of race?

Dude, it’s your colon. Or Cole for short.

Now, Cole’s a humble guy. I mean, call him colon, call him large intestine, call him big snakey, call him whatever you want. He doesn’t care. He just shows up to work, all 1.5 meters of him, day after day, week after week, year after year. He punches his timeclock and starts working in the dark, tight recesses of your abdomen from the day you’re born, twisting himself up into all kinds of positions, kicking it into high gear from the get go.

Now, Cole does a lot of work:

  1. He stores and dumps waste. This isn’t a pleasant job, but somebody’s got to do it. This man is the garbage man and the trash can, think about that. He doesn’t get one of the nicer jobs like looking at your food or tasting your food, no, he just stores and dumps it after everybody else has had their way with it. I mean, they’ve done such a number on it that it’s no longer food — it’s called chyme, a partially digested semifluid mass that probably smells like what would come out of a dog if you fed it raw pork, bleach, and hot sauce. Thankfully, Cole’s a real professional.
  2. He gathers water from the waste. I know what you may be thinking. “Doesn’t my esophagus, stomach, and small intestine already do this?” And actually you’re right, that is true. But Cole picks up where they left off. Yes, he smiles backwards at the gang, flashes them a big thumbs-up, then quietly finishes the job when they aren’t looking. What a team player.
  3. He absorbs vitamins. What, you thought he was just a chymebag? Just a water-sucker-upper? No man, he’s also rooting around for vitamins, too. He’s the guy at the dump with an eye on your discarded clothes and furniture, aiming to spot those hidden gems that are useful somewhere else. You know all this talk about reducing, reusing, and recycling? Cole’s been doing that for thousands of years. He practically invented it.

Now, Cole the Colon is a huge player in your body, but you’d never know that from talking to him. If you try he’ll ignore you and you’ll just hear the deep, quiet sound of chyme processing. And that’s sort of the point. He’s always there, always grinding, always working the gears, always helping the younger guys along, and most importantly, always getting the job done. And just try getting him to take a vacation!

So — this one’s for Cole. Pat yourself on the belly today and thank your colon for being a true servant leader, a humble team player, and a bona fide nice guy.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here and here

41 Comments

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41 responses to “#929 Your colon

  1. Cole is the starting and finishing leg of a certain race …… with a batton

  2. jdurley

    ha ha ha “chymebag”. I wish I knew of that term when I was younger so that I could have used it on my brothers. Maybe I’ll call them up, and lay that one on them.

  3. do you ever get the feeling that someone on the Internet is saying “oh crap, I have to come up with 928 more of these. I wonder if anyone would notice if I changed this to 200awesomethings.com”

  4. I think if anything it should be changed to 1500 Awesome Things – Then when you get to 1500 make it The Awesome List and keep it going…

    If you do decide to that I want a guest appearance since I gave you the idea…wink wink…

    http://andthisismyamerica.com/2008/09/29/this-is-getting-ugly/

  5. The ranter formerly known as Dave

    Yeah, colons are pretty cool. Until you get really sick and have to be ambulanced to the ER and diagnosed with a spastic one. To preserve the integrity of your site and the contents of your stomach, I won’t go any further.

  6. I hand it to the colon. It does a job I would not do in a million years.

  7. Amilie

    Haha, I love the relay race analogy! Never thought of it that way before.

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  9. Bravo

    Truly excellent writing.
    I love this list, and only certain ones have I had to read the explaination. Well, I’ve been converted, I too believe my colon is awesome :)

  10. Charis sans colon

    When Cole does his job quietly, he’s basically the greatest thing ever! There’s nothing quite so satisfying as a solid thick dump after it’s been building up for awhile. Ofcourse, my colon was not satisfied with his job, gave me hell for 8 years and I had it surgically removed 3 weeks ago. Good riddance.
    Though, now I literally have a chymebag attached to my side and after it’s reversed, I’ll never have solid poop again :_( So if Cole’s doin’ a good job then he is totally an awesome thing!

  11. Lily

    Just wanted to point out. . . List number and date match! #929 = 9/29

    AWESOME!

  12. freshfoodforthought

    Be kind to ‘cole’ and he will be kind to you… give your colon something to work with – fresh fruits and veggies… It was fun to read and I am grateful to know about your persistence in getting your ‘colon’ in the book… your INsights may get many to thinking on how they are treating ‘cole’ and what a critical job the colon performs! May all things come out well …

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  14. emerson

    ugh i have crohn’s disease so my colon SUCKS! i would give him an F on worker performance.

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  16. wendywithaurora

    I knew someone who used to say to people in foul moods, “Hey, S*!$ for brains…sounds like you need to go take a dump!”
    Lest not forget that well developed sphincter muscles play a big role in these processes too…
    When everything’s working, this in and of itself, increases quality of life, by far and so much that if we ever get another dog, we’re bound to poop or pee someone off, but truth of the matter is our goal is appreciation…
    and we’re going to call him or her, either way… “Spinchter!”

    • wendywithaurora

      and it all starts with the cymen in saliva…then churns, bubbles, burps and farts through all those spinchters…it’s truly amazing really=)

  17. I found your site using google, very interesting. :)

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  20. Outstanding post once again! I am looking forward for more updates!

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  22. Olivia

    After being recently diagnosed with medical issues related to my colon (NOT fun) this is one of my favorite entries. Don’t take Ol’ Cole for granted people :)

    • Magda

      I’m sorry to hear that Olivia. By way of encouragement, Western medicine is very good these days. I’m sure that with a little awareness, rest and the proper treatment you’ll be feeling better in no time. I hope you recover to full health.

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  26. nocolon

    Laying here as i write this i am in the hospital and just had my colon removed. Love your colon if it doesnt suck! Do not take it for granted.

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  28. Kiki J

    He he he I would hit the awesome button twice if I could for this one.

  29. Ben

    I read this while I was dropping one lol

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  31. Jen

    I saw an episode of “The Magic School Bus” in which Miss Frizzle and her class went into a classmate’s stomach. But they didn’t explore the colon though. I love this post because I’m interested in the human body and wanted to be a doctor once. spiderweb1@sbcglobal.net`

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