December 2, 2008...12:01 am

#883 Ugly actors

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Props to ugly actors.

These wrinkly, crinkly stars of the screen made it up through a system that values looks and beauty and they did it on raw talent alone. Yes, ugly actors shine bright as a beacon of hope to any of us with bushy eyebrows, gap teeth, or big, crooked noses. They show us the power of doing what you love, even if the system says you don’t qualify. So let’s recognize some of the best of the best:

In his defense, no one's armpits look that great

#12 John C. Reilly. It’s refreshing is to see that belly pudge and ungroomed armpit hair. You keep your tabloid cover shots of David Beckham running shirtless on the beach with a perfect six-pack. We’ll keep John C. Reilly and his silent approval of our sagging man-boobs and copious love handles.

A face only Hermione could love#11 Rupert Grint aka Ron Weasley. Rupert makes us all feel a bit better about that awkward elementary school picture in the back of the closet.

Morpheus without the cape and guns#10 Laurence Fishburne. If you’re like me, and you’re stuck with gap teeth because you never got braces, then you look up to Laurence Fishburne. Because who says you have to have perfect teeth, anyway?

Possibly Mr. Perfect's mother#9 Rhea Perlman. Kudos to Rhea Perlman for bringing bad hair days out of the closet. Next time you feel ugly because your hair gets frizzy, you’re hit with some rain hair, or it’s dandruff season and you’re calling for snow, just remember that Rhea Perlman had a bad hair decade. So you’ll be fine.

Benecio, you make us feel normal

#8 Benecio Del Toro. When you wake up sore and groggy at noon on a Saturday with a splitting hangover and big, black bags under your eyes, just look in the mirror and say “This face could win an Academy Award.” Thanks, Benecio.

A face only Rhea Perlman could love

#7 Danny Devito. How many people shave their entire head the moment they start going bald? It’s like they’re saying “What? Who’s going bald? Not me, I’m just suddenly into shaving my head every day, that’s all.” It’s so common that Danny Devito deserves a big high ten for embracing the chrome dome. Also, he is short.

The Beast with a goatee#6 Ron Perlman. Getting cast as Hellboy and The Beast in Beauty and the Beast is a bit of a mixed blessing. On one hand, hey, great gigs. But on the other hand, you’re playing a beast and a giant, red superhero. It’s only slightly worse than playing The Phantom of The Opera, Ugly Betty, Charlize Theron in Monster, or Darth Vader when he takes off his mask. So kudos to Ron for taking on some brave roles. You teach us courage.

Momma#5 Anne Ramsey. Guess there was a reason they threw this momma from the train.

No comment#4 Paris Hilton. Next time you fall asleep in the tanning bed, or take a little nap with your head in a sinkful of Clorox, just relax. Don’t even worry about it. It’s not a big deal.

Bed head at its finest#3 Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Ever grow one of those nasty, shaggy, out of control beards? The kind that gets soup all over it when you’re eating and scratches your girlfriend’s chin when you kiss? The kind that gets you kicked out of convenience stores and frisked a little extra at airport security? Well, Phillip Seymour Hoffman is proof that it is possible to have one of those beards and still be successful. Good on him.

Smile like you mean it#2 Steve Buscemi. What a great, great, great, great actor.

#1 Christopher Walken. The greatest thing about Christopher Walken is that he doesn’t try to gloss things up, No, he just lets the skunk-hawk fly up top and makes no attempt to apologize for wrinkles or spots. We can learn a lot from him.

chris-walkenSeriously though, ugly actors make this world a great place. They remind us that dreaming big can pay off and there is some justice in the world, no matter what you look like. Because let’s face it: most of us are a bit insecure about our bodies. It’s normal to pinch your belly fat, cover up your acne scars, and pluck your unibrow. But ugly actors say “Hey … it’s okay, friend”, because at the end of the day we’re pretty much the same and it doesn’t really matter what you look like.

And for that they are truly

AWESOME!

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Photos from: here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here

Illustration from: here

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