Munch lunch at a Chinese restaurant, brunch at a Holiday Inn, or dinner at a wedding reception, and chances are good you will come face to face with the The All-You-Can-Eat Buffet.
If you’re a Buffet Amateur like me, your pupils dilate and your mouth starts watering as soon as you spot the long table full of steam trays and criss-crossed table cloths. Soon it’s game on, and you grab a plate and pile it high with some bread, a few salads, and a couple rolled-up salamis or a bowl of Won Ton soup. For plate number two you tackle the entrees, scooping up sticky heaps of Kung Pao chicken, soggy French Toast, or paper-thin slices of roast beef soaking in dark mushroom gravy. Then you go back for a third plate, this one featuring a tipsy mountain of desserts — maybe some assorted squares, a thick, gummy slice of cheesecake, or some fluorescent pink, freezer-burned ice cream sliding around your plate.
Then as you lay bloated on your chair, your buttons bursting, your eyelids drooping, you face a final decision: Do you go back for The Fourth Plate?
The Fourth Plate is almost always a good idea before you do it and a bad idea afterwards. It’s the helping after the helping after. It’s the Greatest Hits Plate, a star-studded collection featuring the most popular items from Plate 1, 2, and 3, coming together for the reunion tour, the last hurrah, the final dance at the dinner table.
The Fourth Plate is also a famous mark of a Buffet Amateur, because it can be the sign of someone who realizes that Plate 2 was the best plate and they really just want more of Plate 2. For years, I scarfed down The Fourth Plate at the Indian buffet near my college. Buttery, pillowy-soft naans piled high, thick and creamy Butter Chicken, and spicy, simmering lamb in a hearty broth. It was just too much. I caved in every time and walked away with a curry-busting gut and a samosa hangover.
Since then I’ve been tutored on the art of mastering the all-you-can-eat buffet. Everybody’s got their own techniques, but here’s what I’ve learned over the years:
1. The Walk-Through. Don’t do what I used to do and blindly take a spoonful of everything. No, you’ve got to do your Walk-Through First. You’re a detective, popping open steam tray after steam tray, looking for recent fill-ups, traffic around popular items, and sure winners like omelet stations or a guy in a chef’s hat slicing big slabs of meat. Now’s also time for some Belly Space Analysis, where every item’s Tasty Deliciousness is weighed against it’s Projected Stomach Volume. Bread, soup, and salad rarely pass the Belly Space Analysis test. Skipping those means you just gained an extra plate and are on your way.
2. Drink Later. Sugary drinks just fill you up with carbs and cost extra. If you can postpone your Pepsi, then you’ll save belly space for the hot goods.
3. The Sampler. My dad is famous for the sampler plate. Within minutes of arriving he’ll dot a big white plate with small portions of every entree and proceed to say “Hmmm,” a lot while scooping up tiny forkfuls of each to see what will make the cut. You have to have willpower to pull off The Sampler, but it can be very rewarding. You know you aced it when your next plate is just piles of your two favorites. Good on ya.
4. Staggered Trips. If you’re with friends, don’t wait until everybody is done their first plate before uniformly filing up for a second trip together. No, go separately and act as each others eyes and ears out there — whats new, what’s hot, what’s fresh, what’s not. Your friends are doing their job when you see them running back to table to scream “They just brought out more coconut shrimp!” Also, be sure to designate someone at your table to be The Lookout. They should be seated with a clear view of the buffet and raise alarm whenever they see someone coming from the back with a new steam tray.
5. Big Plates Always. Be watchful of the small salad and dessert plates lurking about. Find your secret stash of full-size dinner plates and use them, know them, love them lots. The big plates will let you spread your meal around, and avoid piling things high, which generally results in meat gravy getting all over your salad.
6. One More Egg Roll. When the check arrives, take your time. Slow it right down now and see who still has room. Since you’ve been so busy scarfing your food and staggering trips, now really is the best chance to catch up with your friends. Then after ten or fifteen minutes, someone will likely cave in and say “Okay, one more egg roll.” This is buffet victory.
With these tips plus your personal experiences, you too can master the art of the all-you-can-eat buffet. After that, there’s really no stopping you. So eat all you can, my friend.
Eat all you can.
AWESOME!
122 Comments
December 29, 2008 at 12:42 am
JEeeeeeeeez. Why did you have to remind me of buffets??? I sooooo miss them. We don’t get them here where I live…
I love the chinese buffets and hotel buffets… I’m cuckoo bout them.
Great article! Jus’ made my mouth water. LOL
Good advice on the beverage, but, let’s be honest, who can leave the coke for later? Seriously. =))))))
As for the sampling, that’s great. I always try and do it, but unfortunately it’s either that my hands are clumsy, the pieces are big, or simply that my eyes just can’t take that much pleasure, that I never seem to make it right. :P I only get to the plate filled half/half on my next visit to the restaurant.
And I get pretty much filled up after the first plate so 2nd is the best I had so far. :-/ 4th? Tha’s just a dream. :)
December 29, 2008 at 3:30 am
First of all, where on this planet (that isn’t some third world country full of failures and scum… or West Virginia) DOESN’T have All You Can Eat Buffets? I live in the dumpiest and most meth-covered city in Tennessee, saved only by a Cow College, and we have no less than 13 buffets. Indian, Thai, 4 Chinese, Japanese, Fat-Ass American, even Fatter-Ass American, 2 Pizza Buffets, Seafood (Tennessee’s version of seafood, anyway. Bottom feeding Cumberland dweller) and Chicken.
City Population – less than 20,000.
B. I am the master of the buffet. Bottomless Dave, they call me. I am a remorseless eating machine that has been known to close the buffet by devouring everything faster than they can cook more.
C, And more seriously. Around here, the illegals can always be found at the buffets. Why? Because they pay $8 apiece, and just sit there all day. Eating lunch, snacks and then waiting around 6 more hours for supper. And they all have two things in common. They’re all criminals and ne’er-do-wells, and they all scream “La Migra!” and scatter like waterbugs whenever an INS guy comes in. In all directions. Out of every possible exit. It’s a thing of beauty.
December 29, 2008 at 10:27 am
Have you ever been on a cruise? Because that is the place of the ultimate buffet.
Especially the midnight buffets.
When, by all rights, you should not even be eating anyway.
But somehow. You do.
December 29, 2008 at 11:41 am
I love all-you-can-eat Chinese buffets but I always make the mistake of taking too much steamed white rice. What a waste! But I cannot help it.
December 29, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Oh my god, how did you know? lol
But man i never make past a 3rd plate, and i always thing I can eat a lot but usually never.
May 14, 2009 at 10:07 pm
On the rock n roll road when we were broke we did better than an eight buck buffet. 7-11 here in canada used to have hot burger wrapped in foil under like a heat lamp. they’d have an expiry time, like two hours or so then they would toss em, we’d ask the clerk if we could have them when they did and sure enough we’d score nine times out of ten, fuck we ate a lot of burgers back then, scammed a lot of fast food stores and even got free beer. The beer was the best, i think one day we got like seven 24’s(24 bottles) How? well we would take our empty’s and fill like half of a case of them with water and recap them(twist of caps!), put caps on some empty ones and smash them, put them back in a case which we opened from the bottom, place in garbage bag pour some beer left over from the night before to get that freshly broken case smell, we’d call the beer store say the bottom fell out of our case and voila, “bring it on in and we’ll give you another case” so sweet to be sly! now that was fucking awesome…!
December 29, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Once again, another entry that I’ve been waiting for you to post.
Like the others here, I have mastered the art of the buffet. I always leave after at least four plates. I don’t eat bread or salad, but I just can’t resist the soda.
Has anyone ever listened to John Pinette’s standup? It mostly consists of his love for the buffet.
I’ve heard about Dave’s feats. One time he ate all their shrimp and two plastic lobsters.
December 29, 2008 at 5:41 pm
Chinese buffets are awesome because you can just pile chicken on your plate. No rice, no veggies, just chicken.
Also, in hillbilly parts of Ohio (Bowling Green), there are KFC buffets. What a concept!
December 29, 2008 at 6:52 pm
I agree that it’s silly to waste perfectly good stomach space on something like salad and soda. That’s an everyday food! Why waste good space on stuff you can have anytime.
December 29, 2008 at 7:03 pm
For shame, promoting such an obesity inducing endorsement for the shocking, revolting concept of “all you can eat” buffets.
NAHHHHH, I’m just jerkin’ your chain…AYCE Chinese ROCKS…sometimes, you just GOTS to fill yer innards with General chicken. I don’t know that I’ve got the willpower for the sampler, but I can def. pull off at LEAST a 3 plater each and every visit. MMMMM….Sesame Chicken!!!
December 29, 2008 at 7:17 pm
LOL, thats pretty funny dude. Good topic!
December 29, 2008 at 7:17 pm
NO wonder you americans are so damn fat, this article leaves no mysteries.
good luck to your gut.
December 29, 2008 at 7:41 pm
My fav is breakfast buffets, there are not nearly enough of those where i live, i’m pretty sure i would be the happiest man around if they opened up more of those in our city. For some reason they don’t seem to be big on buffets up here, it kind of breaks my heart and makes me think of moving :P
December 29, 2008 at 7:44 pm
Yes, stuffing your face is fun, but one thing you don’t mention that I’ve always worried about is tipping at buffets. Usually the waitstaff only brings you your drinks, and the check with a couple of fortune cookies at the end. I’m doing most of the work, getting my own food. So what do you tip? 10%? Nothing?
December 29, 2008 at 8:11 pm
#2 is great. A friend of mine used to be a chef at a japanese buffet restaurant, and they were explicitly told to use extra salt/sodium in their foods. Reason being, that the patrons would drink more water, which would bloat the food in their stomachs, and prevent them from eating to their fullest capacity.
bravo for the tips!
December 29, 2008 at 8:15 pm
At a buffet, tip $1 for each person in your party. So if it’s you and the wife and two kids, $4.
December 29, 2008 at 8:23 pm
You’re all a bunch of fat fucks.
December 29, 2008 at 8:27 pm
You should also note that after plate #2 at a chinese buffet, you stop eating for taste. All the MSG, soy, sesame oil goodness starts tasting the same. At that point you go for texture.
December 29, 2008 at 8:39 pm
School-boy type errors all around.
A true Master of the Buffet realises that the path to nirvana is paved only with starters.
Never move on to the main course, unless you have just a small amount of it as a starter, but avoid the accompanying “filler” carbs (e.g. a spoonful of sweet and sour pork is acceptable, without the rice).
Avoid the obviously deep-fried items: these make your stomach think it is full. Case in point: massive wontons with a tiny portion of filling in one corner. It’s totally acceptable in this case to just eat the corner and leave the hard greasy pastry.
The truest test of a Chinese Buffet is the quality of their Seasame Prawn Toast: it should be succulent and juicy, with thick minced prawn flesh. If it’s just toast that smells fishy, the place ain’t no good.
You can never have too many crispy duck pancakes, but go easy on the salad inside.
December 29, 2008 at 9:04 pm
Are you just trying to get as fat as possible?
December 29, 2008 at 9:09 pm
NOM NOM NOM
December 29, 2008 at 9:11 pm
This one should be called #864 How to be obese like the rest of america. nom nom nom
December 29, 2008 at 9:11 pm
Just a Side Note… Add an ‘ed’ on the end and this is what you get: Buffeted. (i.e. strike or beat) That’s generally how I feel after a trip to a buffet, like I’ve been beat about the head, neck and upper torso. Why, why Why?
December 29, 2008 at 9:13 pm
Having successfully eaten enough to actually get kicked out of an all you can eat once I think I can say with some authority that these tips are pretty good.
Eat slowly. Enjoy the company, and the pace.
Oh, and to avoid getting kicked out don’t take the entire steam tray back to your table. That really seemed to piss off the owner :)
December 29, 2008 at 10:02 pm
That’s positively frightening, your description of buffet eating is accurate in an uncanny and frightening manner, all the way from how most people eat at a buffet, right to the dreaded fourth plate (being the after dessert plate of a few samples of your favorite things, that’s just painfully difficult to stuff down and which always seems larger once you get it to the table).
Bravo good sir.
Just watch it on the all you can eat shrimp, a pair of friends and I thought we were going to make an owner cry one time, they had a -giant- bowl of steamed shrimp (chilled) with cocktail sauce… It ‘just’ about filled four plates.
(The fourth being the reinforcements, a gent sitting beside our table who jumped to his feat when our advanced scout returned with the first plate of shrimp).
December 29, 2008 at 10:21 pm
barf barf barf
December 29, 2008 at 10:29 pm
Great writing, I love it. My next buffet will be choreographed for sweet success.
December 29, 2008 at 10:38 pm
Thanks for the best laugh I’ve had in a while!!!! Love those Chinese Buffets most of all!!!
December 29, 2008 at 10:39 pm
Forgot to add, a KFC buffet is my personal holy grail, wish I had one within a 2 hour drive. If so…ROADTRIP!!!! =D
December 29, 2008 at 10:42 pm
Nice one and thanks this will help me for the buffet I will be going to next year haha
December 29, 2008 at 10:46 pm
This is so great. I loved it.
December 29, 2008 at 10:56 pm
always, always practice what i have taught my grandkids–life is too short, eat dessert first.
or at least at the buffet, take some dessert with whatever you take–starting at the first plate. by the time you get done and are full, you have eaten what you wanted along with the dessert. if you wait until last, chances are you will walk out without dessert
December 29, 2008 at 11:25 pm
I’m planning on going to an all-you-can-eat buffet for New Years Eve. Cannot wait.
I agree that it is always easy to spot those who are new to the buffet. I almost want to run over and save them from themselves.
December 29, 2008 at 11:29 pm
This is a brilliant article. I’ll share it with friends. Throw the belt to the wind and “eat all you can”. Cheers!
December 29, 2008 at 11:32 pm
lmao. this was hilarious.
Somehow this post has reinvigorated my love for buffets. I’m calling all my friends and we’re going to a buffet. I’m definitely going to use the advice given. Especially regarding the sampler, why did I never think of that?
December 29, 2008 at 11:43 pm
While I understand the temptation to “beat the system” and eat as much as you can just get maximum value for your money, it just doesn’t make a lot of sense. Around here buffets typically can range from $8 to $24 depending on the time of day or quality of restaurant(I know there is more expensive, but this is places I have visited in the last year). To me if my wife and I pay $24 a head it still manages to work out when you consider the cost if you were to buy a soup/salad, entree and a dessert would run you that much at least at a regular chain restaurant. And most people do end up with 2 entree plates anyways, so right there you’re already ahead of the game. And besides, I think Chinese food is genetically engineered to disappear from your stomach after an hour and half and leave you hungry again no matter how much of it you ate.
December 30, 2008 at 12:19 am
No mention of the pre-buffet fast?
Am I the only one fasts before the buffet to maximise “value”? Not to mention the post-buffet “I feel sick and can’t stand the sight of food” fast.
I take “all you can eat” as a personal challenge.
December 30, 2008 at 12:32 am
I can vouch for the fact that the author is a skinny Canadian.
Likes his snacks, though
December 30, 2008 at 12:51 am
We’re Americans. WE DON’T NEED NO STINKIN DIRECTIONS on how to get fatter…stupid commie
December 30, 2008 at 1:21 am
Another tip is that you should try to give birth to a huge dump before you eat at the buffet. This will give your body more room for food and you won’t be holding a large pile of waste that your body just wants to discard anyway. I also find that if you come into the buffet absolutely cocked, then you will eat and eat and eat. Once you leave, you might get a little sick, but at least you got your moneys worth!
December 30, 2008 at 1:32 am
Breakfast Buffets are the real deal…where else is it OK to eat your weight in bacon?
December 30, 2008 at 2:08 am
[...] I always try to do this but I guess I should go with smaller portions next time. Full article is here. [...]
December 30, 2008 at 2:09 am
The REAL challenge lies within the depths of my local SUSHI buffet…The sushi is made for you but they have laws:
1. You are only allowed to order 3 rolls at a time, and may only order the next round after you’ve finished the previous
2. Any extra/left over sushi will result in a 5% service fee toward your bill
3. No sharing
It sounds like a peice of cake, at first I thought I could eat my own weight in sushi, until I realized the amount of rice, the constant refills of my water and the latency between orders…Also, alot of their irresistable and amazing designer rolls have fried shimp inside a fried roll covered in something else fried….
Ohhh…the thought…(and to top it off, lunch is only $15.95!!)
December 30, 2008 at 3:22 am
Ahh. What beautiful memories of the days when the buffet was heaven for me. I’m getting fat just thinking about it.
December 30, 2008 at 4:07 am
[...] Mastering the art of the all you can eat buffet, very useful for Singaporeans crazy about buffets, and that includes me and my family [...]
December 30, 2008 at 4:24 am
Tongan are masters at the buffet. You know the saying ” I’m sooo hungry I could eat a horse” Well we do frequently.
ps Love the post. :-)
December 30, 2008 at 4:33 am
This is great articles… I like to share it to my friends.
December 30, 2008 at 8:24 am
Nice article, neat and prepared from the heart of a heartily filled one. I was reminded of my own experiences at various buffets. At receptions, parties, college celebrations. Once the fellas added something I thing bicarbonate, and my first plate, which usually is the sample plate filled me up. And they had charged 85 bucks for that! Since then I avoid paid buffets. Of course they need to use their tricks so that there aren’t elephants storming their buffets!
Good Article, I loved it.!
December 30, 2008 at 11:16 am
I have been to a number of Hotel and Chinese buffets in my time and whilst the food is not always the best at least you can be sure of not leaving the dinner table hungry :-)
December 30, 2008 at 11:31 am
Once common buffet practice in the Philippines is that if you don’t finish all the food on your plate, you’re charged double.
December 30, 2008 at 12:06 pm
Wow, that was amazingly accurate…I’ll be sure to keep these tips in mind next time I go to a buffet :)
December 30, 2008 at 12:19 pm
I love visiting Chinese, Indian, and especially BBQ buffets (we have some amazing barbecue buffets down here in Charleston, SC).
I usually go for dinner on a day where I’ve been too busy to eat lunch. This helps me maximize my plate potential. :)
I’ve also found that warm drinks (coffee, tea, etc.) don’t tend to make you feel as full as you do when drinking cold drinks with the meal.
December 30, 2008 at 1:08 pm
[...] Everybodys got their own techniques, but heres what Ive learned over the years.Check it out here:http://1000awesomethings.com/2008/12/29/864-mastering-the-art-of-the-all-you-can-eat-buffet/ Publicado por Becky en [...]
December 30, 2008 at 1:35 pm
I usually make my 1st plate a sampler (albeit, a “crowded” sampler), then the 2nd plate is just 1-3 of my favorites, with a smaller 3rd plate for desserts. If there’s open bar involved (e.g., a wedding), you have to save room for drinking!
December 30, 2008 at 1:54 pm
Oh my word!!! All you did now was make me hungry. Freaking excellent writing! Really enjoyed that article!
December 30, 2008 at 3:04 pm
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December 30, 2008 at 3:14 pm
Kudos on a very thorough analysis – almost made the art of eating a scientific pursuit :)
December 30, 2008 at 3:25 pm
lol!!…. nice article.
December 30, 2008 at 4:41 pm
awesome post. I particularly liked ‘The Sampler Plate.’ I avoid most of this problem by not partaking of the desert round, making round three my greatest hits.
I mean really….are sweets all that good?
December 30, 2008 at 4:48 pm
i never followed the usual regiment of “appetizer -> entree -> dessert.” whatever caught my eye went on the giant plate, be it a combination of orange sorbet, chicken-fried steak, strange mass-produced pepperoni pizza and rice. eat it together, and love being alive.
December 30, 2008 at 5:04 pm
honestly, i didn’t realize how important having a strategy was when it came to the art of the buffet. I’m going to try out these tips!
December 30, 2008 at 7:34 pm
Ahahahahahahahahahhaha…I really laughed out loud at several parts especially the staggered trips part…”they just put out more coconut shrimp” LMFAO! Thanks for the tips love,
xoxo,
RLCG
December 30, 2008 at 7:59 pm
I thoroughly enjoyed your article :) Thank you so much :) I enjoy eating and taking photos of food :)
December 30, 2008 at 8:03 pm
Hello there :)
Thank you for your article :) I thoroughly enjoyed it! :) My 2 fave things in life are eating food and taking photos of food :)
I’m new to wordpress; perhaps you could tell me how to link to your site?
Thanks so much :)
April Smith
Vancouver, B.C. Canada ( Home of 2010 Winter Olympics )
December 30, 2008 at 8:08 pm
Buffet’s … ahhhh … the futility of man.
I eat the “all you can eat steak” – the chicken etc. and I leave off the bread – potatoes – rice – corn etc. leave off all starches and go for the good stuff.
Still need to lose a few pounds though.
But think how muich more I would need to lose if I ate the other??????
December 30, 2008 at 8:10 pm
[...] #864 Mastering the art of the all-you-can-eat buffet Munch lunch at a Chinese restaurant, brunch at a Holiday Inn, or dinner at a wedding reception, and chances are good [...] [...]
December 30, 2008 at 9:00 pm
I don’t intend to use those tips but it’s great writing though.
December 30, 2008 at 9:05 pm
Informative AND insightful.
December 30, 2008 at 9:30 pm
Excellent article. Casino buffets are always good…especially if you have a Buy one get one free coupon. (Ok, yes, I am cheap)
My mom and dad went to one in Atlantic City. Seafood….she brought some peel and eat shrimp to their table and peeled it all nice…goes to eat some, and my dad scarfed it down on her!!! No way she was going back for more…..
December 31, 2008 at 2:10 am
Nice one. Specially the Images…
Would Like to Share with Every one :)
http://designwebsite.wordpress.com
December 31, 2008 at 3:18 am
I usually go for the soup/appetizer plate, then the “entree” plate, then the “dessert” plate…usually I’m uncomfortably full by then. I think they add stuff to the food at buffets to prematurely fill up the customer. Fortunately/unfortunately for me, finances/health have dictated I avoid such places for the most part. The last time I went to a buffet, one of the stupid b*tches that worked there noticed the backpack I carry (public transportation) and said, “you know it’s 10 dollars don’t you”? Stupid ho ruined it for me…never have I been asked if I could *pay* before I ate at a buffet. If I ever chance on a buffet again, I’ll take your recommendations. One buffet I went to had crab legs…best to save room for them.
December 31, 2008 at 11:47 am
The perfect Sunday…. head to Lon Sen Chinese buffet after church with family, eat entire left side of buffet, go home and turn on the Colts game, go into msg induced coma for first half, wake up and watch second half.
December 31, 2008 at 2:11 pm
I don’t go to buffets to stuff myself, I go for the variety and the chance to sample new things. That’s the real reason buffets came about. The “all you can eat” aspect is not a challenge – it’s really meant to assure you that you can try as much as you want without additional charges. After all, if you ate so much you made yourself sick, did you really “get your money’s worth”?
December 31, 2008 at 2:17 pm
this was amusing.
December 31, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Nice post, however for me personally….I hate buffets. If I’m going out, spending money, I want my royal ass waited on! (this could stem from many, many years in the food service industry.) But, really the absoulte worst part of a buffet? Buffet people…look around next time and ask yourself, “do I really look like that?” Some of those lovely buffet dwellers act as if they shall never see food again.
January 1, 2009 at 1:11 am
This is great information. Just thought I would say thanks.
I’m excited.
http://yiyd.com
January 1, 2009 at 1:48 am
What am amateur. Us pros know to covertly fill plastic cups full of your favorite meals, then slip the plastic cups in your pockets for later, after they shut down the all-you-can-eat buffets.
January 1, 2009 at 1:50 am
ps: my previous tip also works well when you dine at a place like ‘Red Lobster’ or ‘Old Country Buffet’ which offer ‘all you can eat shrimp’ or ‘all you can eat seafood.’ Just fyi. They usually make a profit. Be the person they lose money on. Be that guy.
January 1, 2009 at 8:58 am
Memories of the most amazing all you can eat buffet at the Naawab in Levenshulme Manchester, come swimming to mind.
Delicious starters to pick from (Who wants salad? Not me!), fantastic main course currys of lamb and chicken, mouthwateringly perfect naan bread and amazing desserts.
Their veggie currys are delicious and well worth trying too. I’m a huge fan of their very special naan bread – it’s really perfect and the very best I’ve ever had anywhere. Perfect for nibbling on and dipping into the saag curry.
BlackJack Ice cream is well worth leaving room for.
In fact I’m dying for a curry now I’ve thought about all those yummy flavours! So much for the diet!
January 2, 2009 at 2:46 am
Nice article, but you missed *SO* much! Yes, there are a few more rules:
1) Bring your own steak knife. If there is a carving station, bring your own knife, because they NEVER have good knives.
2) The jello/fruit plate. This is the plate after the 4th plate. The plate where everyone gets a small plate of jello or fruit, which they barely eat from but still have on their table while they talk and chat and wait for the food they have already eaten to be digested so they can go back for more. The reason you have this is because you will be bugged to leave if you have no plate in front of you. Those coming in for a new shift will think you’re on appetizersd while those on the outgoing shift will think you’re headed toward dessert. (Yes, you should stay there THAT LONG!)
3) Freshness counts. Don’t get the last bit of the slightly-air-dried gravy covered piece of meat, let someone else take it. On your next round look for the new tray. And if it looks THAT old, mention it to a waiter, how nasty it looks; usually, they WILL replace it. Do the rest of your crusiing around the buffet and watch for them to replace it before you sit down.
4) Get a bone dish. Get an empty dish for people to put their bones, shrimp skins, any grizzled pieces they discover or anything else you don’t want to eat. Keep the plates tidy. Don’t let the waitress take it until it actually has some stuff on it, and then the next person to go back brings a new one to the table.
5) Have dessert on your 2nd or 3rd trip. (I think someoen else mentioned this.) This goes double if they have a dessert you especially like! If you don’t, you may be too full for dessert later. Or, if it’s not temperature sensitive like ice cream or crepes, use it as your jello/fruit dish (see #2 above).
And that’s just off the top of my head. My ex was a master of the all-you-can-eat-buffet, and this is just a sampling of his guiding thoughts. :-)
Kim
January 2, 2009 at 3:38 am
This truly is remarkable.
January 2, 2009 at 4:19 am
I like your article, this is very insightful..
thank you !
January 2, 2009 at 8:24 am
[...] #864 Mastering the art of the all-you-can-eat buffet [...]
January 2, 2009 at 3:49 pm
Brilliant. You are a true Master of the Buffates, and your post will be laminated and carried with me on my next eatventure.
Thank you for putting in the ground work. Much of this we all knew, but had never put into words so well. The two item plate? GENIUS!
January 2, 2009 at 9:11 pm
[...] #864 Mastering the art of the all-you-can-eat buffet « 1000 Awesome Things – [...]
January 3, 2009 at 3:57 am
Having lived in Las Vegas for two years, I have the art down. First, as one commenter noted, there are only two kind of buffets. One, breakfast. Always the cheapest admission price. Fairly easy. Hit the deserts first and make a pass over to the lox and (only a little) cream cheese. Check out the eggs Benedict on this trip to see how full the steaming tray is so you can time your move back for the freshest cooked eggs. Next, bacon. Just get a big plate and fill ‘er up. Some of the nicer hotels have a variety of chorizo and other good stuff…just keep an eye out.
Lunch: Amateurs only. Whatever you pay is too much for leftovers.
Brunch/ Dinner: Expensive, so make it worth it. No breads. Sometimes, but not often, a really tasty fish finds its way in. Usually better to go straight for the prime rib. Deserts always best at this setting, too. The author make the great point of checking out the food first.
Bon appetit!
January 3, 2009 at 8:39 pm
Ha – great post! I love that you even QUESTION the fourth go round!
Happy New Year!
January 3, 2009 at 10:43 pm
Never seen a post like this before. But I do love buffets, and am thrilled you spoke out about how to upgrade your smorgasmorgtastic proficiency. ^_^
January 4, 2009 at 1:22 am
Here’s what I always do:
1. On the first run, take tiny portions of many things, just to see what’s best and what’s not worth taking up valuable stomach space.
2. Take many plates of small portions rather than big ones so you have to get up each time you want more food. At the very least, if you’re going to eat a ton, you might as well burn some calories doing it. It always amuses me to see people at buffets stacking their plates really high. Why bother looking like a glutton? You can hit the buffet as many times as you want.
3. Skip the fillers– bread, rice, potatoes, and so forth.
January 4, 2009 at 3:40 am
great article. read and enjoyed every bit of it. now, off to find a buffet :-)
.
January 4, 2009 at 4:30 am
I love buffets but I’m interested relatively healthy eating and not putting on weight so here’s how I do it.
I stick to an Atkins style concept of vegetables and lean protein but it’s still a pig fest. My first plate is pretty much all vegies pulled out of various sautes and some tofu. Those 5 a day they say you should have can be all on one plate. imo, a good buffet has a good vegie selection. Chunky salsa and guacamole count too and the saag in Indian buffets is a favorite.
Plate #2 is all protein, non fried, steamed fish, roast duck and chicken, various, curry with cubed lamb and beef items, lentils, saute’d shrimp, ceviche, whatever. Keep tasting for salt and avoid the dishes with too much. If I eat a starch like soba or rice, it’s just a small amount.
Plate#3, the same as plate #2 but with some variation, perhaps a few fried shrimp or short ribs. If there’s roast duck, be sure to hit it twice as it’s one of the most expensive buffet items.
Plate#4, fruits, nuts, jello, ice cream, no empty carbs here, forget the cakes and cookies, they’re usually low quality any way.
I usually just drink hot tea and water. If the hot tea is self serve, I take it over a glass of ice. There’s no sugar and I rarely drink a soda. Soda is an extra 200 plus calories that you could be getting in roast beef.
I’m only 15 pounds over my trim highschool weight, I’m 50 yet I pig out majorly. If you’re hitting the popcorn shrimp, you’ll get fat, but the sauted shrimp, still a little fatty, but not so bad.
I think these places are using a lot of soy bean oil and it’s not the best kind of fat. It would be way better if they used canola.
One more thing, if you go in at 3:00ish, you’ll pay for lunch but by then, they’re starting to put out their dinner stuff so you might get some extra bang for your lunch dollar but always leave a tip, 10% is about right in a self serve restaurant where all they do is bus your table. I like teaching the imported help catchy American phrases like “another day, another dollar” and laughing at their inability to place such a phrase in proper context and inflection.
January 6, 2009 at 10:16 pm
I think I’ll just go with slopping on as much food as I want, and letting my digestive system decide whether it likes it or not. There are methodical approaches to everything nowadays!
Jordan.
http://www.theriverjordan.net
January 6, 2009 at 11:45 pm
Awesome tips! I am gonna give these a try over the weekend at a local Indian buffet!
TIA.
-Aashish
January 6, 2009 at 11:46 pm
Awesome tips! I am gonna give these a try over the weekend at a local Indian buffet!
TIA.
January 7, 2009 at 11:18 am
I think you may have missed an important issue in buffet dining. This really gets down to an issue of economics. The buffet offers you “all you can eat” at a perceived reasonable price, thus the central issue is to get your money’s worth and perhaps eat more than you are paying for. The real task then is somewhat aggressive, to “beat the buffet” – to make them pay for letting you in the door. What is the most expensive food cost items on the buffet? Crab legs? Load ‘em up. Skip the cheapo fillers and give me more prime rib!
January 7, 2009 at 11:49 am
stellar advice :) stay away from the rice in addition to the bread, soup, and salad. i’m a big fan of the preliminary taste plate to avoid wasting food and bellyspace. thanks!
January 8, 2009 at 1:47 pm
Great post. I sometimes forget the “rules” at a buffet and am always sorry for it.
January 10, 2009 at 12:02 am
[...] Take 3: (All You Can Eat) Buffets: 1000AwesomeThings.com – #864 Mastering the art of the all-you-can-eat buffet [...]
January 10, 2009 at 11:11 am
WOW… just amazing how humans share tips on how to stuff themselves more efficiently… has it ever come to your mind that more and more people on this planet only have a few grains of rice to live off each day, if anything?
AND:
We might think we deserve this kind of abundance of food because we’re oh-so-civilized. Our ancestors knew better than to ravage the land or the seas.
Anybody with COMMON SENSE will admit that it’s only a matter of time until we’ve managed to successfully deplete most of our natural resources. Don’t believe me? Wait 10 to 15 years but don’t whine about shortage in fresh fish or even clean water. (e.g. http://www.deadline-online.net/english/overfish.htm)
The so-called civilized world is going to be f.u.c.k.e.d. (the hard way) if we’re not going to change our minds and behaviour NOW. And don’t get me wrong: I also like seafood and yummy food, but is it really necessary to “beat the buffet” and stuff yourselves with a plate full of shrimps just to “get your money’s worth” or “make the owner cry”??
I cut down on fish consumption myself and urge others to do it, too. For starters maybe you’ll think about that 4th plate?
Chris
January 11, 2009 at 5:41 am
great article. read and enjoyed every bit of it. now, off to find a buffet :-))
January 13, 2009 at 1:56 pm
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January 13, 2009 at 7:08 pm
[...] Mastering the art of the all-you-can-eat buffet – A gut-busting look at an American institution by the remarkable blog 1000 Awesome Things (this post is Thing #864). 1000 AT is not a culinary weblog but you may ingest entertaining entries on chicken wing wisdom, soup-slurping, bakery air, the milk-to-cereal ratio, and more. [...]
January 15, 2009 at 11:36 am
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January 18, 2009 at 9:40 am
Great post, tks !
January 19, 2009 at 5:03 am
Ha – great post! I love that you even QUESTION the fourth go round!!
January 20, 2009 at 8:18 am
Ahh. What beautiful memories of the days when the buffet was heaven for me. I’m getting fat just thinking about it..
January 22, 2009 at 11:44 am
I have just sat through a lunch and watched Tony ‘9 plate’ in action. A masterful display. Some people just have an innate ability to put into all into practice.
January 22, 2009 at 11:46 am
Sorry, my previous comment should have read…”Tony ‘9 plate – one soup – and I had a little nibble on the prawn crackers on the way out as well’”
January 27, 2009 at 8:40 pm
Ah so. I see now that my first plate has always been my downfall. Going for the Sampler technique, wish me luck!
January 29, 2009 at 12:49 am
I like to go for the stuff that does not look like salad first.
February 3, 2009 at 3:33 pm
I quit eating buffet meals a long time ago. They will cost you more later on. You have to buy all the drug prescriptions for all the physical ailments you will be suffering from. Or you may have to get a gastric bypass to lose all the weight you have gained. Or you may die of gluttony. Become a sensible eater.
February 7, 2009 at 4:44 pm
It is (buffets) too expensive for me, for the most part, anyway…Portions at restaurants are huge, even if it isn’t a buffet. They bring the plate and I stare at it wondering how I will eat it all, then it all goes down. After that I wallow in discomfort and shame wondering why I sin thusly, yet, I do it again. Problem is, we are from people who used to work 12, 14, 16 hours a day at physical toil and could accommodate (sp?) all that food. Now, we are sedentary, and machines do all the hard work but we want to eat as our ancestors did.
February 7, 2009 at 4:47 pm
Country Buffet’s comestibles barely qualify as food, BTW…I like to do Chinese or some other ethnic buffet if I go.
February 9, 2009 at 4:18 pm
Have you ever been to a HuHot buffet?? It is a Mongolian joint that has every possible kind of meat and seafood, uncooked. Then you add what type of noodles you want. Next you move on to the vegetables and other fillers. Then you add a minimum of 5 ladles of sauce, from about 20 choices ranging from sweet teriyaki to fry your mouth it’s so freaking hot. Then you carry it over to the giant circular grill and wait your turn to watch them cook it. It’s pretty awesome and lunch is 7.95 a person and dinner is 12.95. It is all you can eat and it’s fun just trying to find your perfect combination. Also comes with your choice of soup or salad if you’d like, unending rice and drinks. YUMMMMMMM!
February 17, 2009 at 8:44 pm
Best. Blog. EVER!!!!
February 19, 2009 at 6:37 pm
[...] A wonderful article on Mastering the Art of the All You Can Eat Buffet.. [...]
February 23, 2009 at 1:53 pm
I hate buffets. Stale food left hanging around too long… Its cheap but crap.
March 3, 2009 at 1:26 am
[...] Mastering the Art of the All-you-can-eat Buffet Currently 13/3 Submitted December 12, 2008 by jsuggs Tags: awesome! humor! The Fourth Plate is almost always a good idea before you do it and a bad idea afterwards. It’s the helping after the helping after. It’s the Greatest Hits Plate, a star-studded collection featuring the most popular items from Plate 1, 2, and 3, coming together for the reunion tour, the last hurrah, the final dance at the dinner table. [...]
March 4, 2009 at 10:46 pm
this is really funny. I am definitely a sampler. I try a few things and then pick my favorites.
March 5, 2009 at 6:18 pm
I love this. I’ve actually started a blog about some advanced techniques, as they apply to the many different kinds of buffets. Want to be a guest contributor? runthebuffet.blogspot.com
June 6, 2009 at 3:04 am
I really like buffets, unfortunately they don’t like me and many start taking the food away so I can’t have anymore…
One in Reno NV took all the food away before I could get dessert and I was only on my 7th plate. :(
June 29, 2009 at 8:52 am
Excellent, made me feel bloated just reading!