I’m a mess in the morning.
Drool drips down my cheeks, my mouth hangs open like a mailbox, and my eyeballs roll around their sockets in slow motion. Hair scraped sideways, underwear bunched up and twisted, I dry-swallow and slowly stumble out of bed while trying to form my first thoughts of the day.
Inside my brain a tiny man is feverishly working a broom to sweep away all the dusty shards of dream residue so my conscious self can assume the controls. When he does, some rusty gears are crunched and I groggily shuffle to the bathroom where my own droopy, mashed up face greets me like a monster in the mirror.
It is a hideous sight.
Yes, I immediately notice there was a party in Dreamworld last night and those subconscious animals left my place a real mess. Strange puddles pool on counters, squeezed-up lemon wedges fill the sink, and cigarette butts litter the balcony. Folks, I’m junked right out, my lips chapped with the corners cracked, my skin dry and flaking, and my mouth loaded with a big set of furry yellow teeth.
Plus, to top it all off my eyes are nearly glued shut.
That’s right — goop clogs the corners and fills the tear ducts with their sharp n’ drippy dregs. And let’s be honest here: those eye boogies will catch us if we’re not careful, showing up unannounced at job interviews, big meetings, and first dates.
We can’t have that.
No, there’s really only one choice and that’s to get digging, people. Cast your finger in the starring role of shovel, rake, and wheelbarrow and jam it right in there. Hard bits, sharp bits, gummy little squishy bits, just yank them all, with each tiny crumb giving you a little pick-me-up when you lift it up and pull it out.
Now that you can see again it’s time to clean up the rest of the joint. Yes, with your eyes back in the game nothing can stop you now. So cue the shave, cut to the shower scene, and get ready to enjoy your big, beautiful day.
AWESOME!
(Please click here for an exciting message from 1000 Awesome Things.)
Photos from: here, here, and here
No matter how hard I try to rub all that crap out of there I always get something stuck in my eye and end up shredding my cornea up like nobodies business. What’s with that???
omg that baby in the first pic is killing me and making it truly hard to focus on anything else. Is it real? lol
I hope so. Either that or someone’s lugging around a doll I want to buy.
That last bit of sleep. It’s always super-sharp, somehow, yet the pain of digging it out is totally worth it.
Amen, brother.
I agree with most of the awesome things you have listed, but this one was grasping (imho).
Just discovered your site. Thanks for the positivity.
1) What’s up with the mid-day sleep? They are random, annoying, and yet so satisfying when you discreetly pull the cold-ish gloop out. Awesome.
2) Bedhead-baby made an encore appearance!
3) I have now saved said bedhead-baby so I’ll have awesomeness every day.
I admit I can’t get enough of that picture, either.
i have after-nite-out sleep slugs of black spiderweby material lining my tear ducts,when i go to remove them it feels like im pulling a film off of my eyeball,it is a feeling of awake,alive
AWESOME
ugh, mascara/eyeliner? been there, so many times. although theyre just a normal school night, doing homework… :P
You are too funny Neil – thanks for a another great one today…..have a great weekend!
Mel – I knew I recognized that cute little bed-head baby! :-)
The pic of that little baby angel will NEVER get old… I wish you could use it in every post….
The most awesome thing about this post is that I finally found someone who uses the word “Sleep” for the crusty stuff on your eyes. Everyone I know uses “eye-boogers”.
When I was a kid my mom called it sleepy sand. Because, ya know, the Sandman is who put it there.
Woo!! I wake up to monster-mash every morning my self, and it just feels so good to finger dive right in that red puddle next to your eye. (And that baby is totally awesome)
“Inside my brain a tiny man is feverishly working a broom to sweep away all the dusty shards of dream residue so my conscious self can assume the controls. ” Hah!
I heard a news story so sad I burst into tears today… and I NEVER do that. Believe me, little shocks me. So I immediately came here because I needed a lift. Well you grossed me out – lol – but you lifted me, too. =)
Life can flatten you. But there are always awesome things.
Well, now that I saw that second pic, my sleeptime mantra tonight shall be, “Baby bedhead!”
Sweet dreams!
:)
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Last night I watched “Monster” for this first time ever. Today I check my Awesome app and there is a picture of Charlize Theron as her character Aileen from Monster! What a coincidence!!!! 24 hours prior I would have NO IDEA who that admittedly sleepy lady was. But today I do! That’s as about as AWESOME as getting all of last night’s eye-boogies out!
That’s what happened this morning I had a lot of of stuff in my eye and I wiped it all away with one swipe
I agree with the person who commented that this post was reaching. How about this one: waking up, rubbing your eyes, and realizing that you are on vacation and have a day of limitless fun awaiting you.
Its great as your other content : D, thanks for putting up. “Music is the soul of language.” by Max Heindel.
May I simply just say what a relief to find a person that truly understands what they are discussing on the web.
You definitely know how to bring an issue to light and make it important.
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