Drive that steaming rustbucket up to the gas station and let’s get down to business.
Folks, you know it and I know it: perfect squeegee jobs are hard work. You’re a pro wiper if you master these top five tricks:
1. Liftups. Not everyone has the moxy to wipe under the windshield wipers but that’s where you’ll find dried leaves and lots of highway grime. Don’t be afraid to get in there.
2. Just enough drips. Okay, if you’re pulling the squeegee out of that dirty blue liquid and slapping it on your rear window in one swift move, then you’re probably overdripping. There’s no need to get your shoes wet, so do like the pros and tap off before you tap on.
3. Say no to streaks. Quick wiping is sloppy wiping. Avoid streaks at all costs by using two hands, leaning your head in, and applying just enough even pressure to keep the squeegee running straight. If you get a streak by accident it’s time to do it again. If you start to compromise, you’ll just hate yourself later. Be strong.
4. Bug off. Pros don’t let smeared bug guts get in their way. No, they’ll hammer those out with some furrowed brows and furious back and forth swiping. Pay tribute to the ladybug’s tiny, beautiful life by disposing of its remains at the station instead of driving them back and forth to work for a few weeks.
5. Side Mirror Superstar. Everyone thinks they can do the side mirrors but the truth is that they’re nearly impossible. Sure, it’s a nice idea at first, when you notice how dirty they are, and you’ve got the squeegee in your hand. But then you realize the squeegee doesn’t fit on there too well so you get inconsistent smudge-steaks and a black scribbly cloud above your head. Streak-free side mirrors require years of training. Work your way into it and expect to make lots of mistakes.
Yes, when you nail the perfect squeegee job you’re loving it lots. Mom fills up, dad grabs beef jerky, and your kid brother runs for the graffiti-covered bathroom that smells like urinal pucks. But you stumble out that van door, stretch your legs, and just casually eye that squeegee stick.
Then you look at your bug-splattered windshield, nod a little nod, and smile a little smile.
Because you know what has to be done.
And you know how to do it.
AWESOME!
14 Comments
September 17, 2009 at 12:22 am
or how about that stuff that repels the rain and causes it to bead off. awesome! esp for those individuals with clear-windshield-OCD
September 17, 2009 at 12:55 am
Nice first, dooobs! Applying RainX frequently is the perfect compulsion to that clear-windshield obsession.
September 17, 2009 at 2:15 am
I have a graveyard of bugs on my windshield right now… it’s disgusting. but i just keep *forgetting* to clean them off everytime i’m at the gas station. i’m just praying for soapy rain.. and soon
September 17, 2009 at 6:43 am
I love this blog in the mornings… another great post that left a smile on my face!
September 17, 2009 at 9:26 am
When your favourite blog author celebrates a milestone birthday…
AWESOME
September 17, 2009 at 12:01 pm
Beautiful rhetoric in this post today! I loved the “black scribbly cloud over your head” moment… so true, those side mirrors are ridonk to master.
September 17, 2009 at 3:04 pm
Very awesome indeed! Also, thanks for blogrolling me!
September 17, 2009 at 4:23 pm
I never comment on these posts, but feel like this is indeed unfair to you, so here is my one comment:
I love EVERY post. I have a link to this site on my blog under the title “For Awesomeness”. Thank you for every “AWESOME!” moment.
September 17, 2009 at 5:12 pm
the worst is when you pull up and hte squeegee bucket is empty and the snoot nosed teenager sitting in the booth smiles at you and he/she really give a @#$%’s &*( if you clean your windshield or not!!!!!!!!!!!!
September 17, 2009 at 5:44 pm
I remember out here when everyone had full service on at least one pump. They got rid of most of the full service gas stations now; probably to save a buck.
September 17, 2009 at 10:46 pm
As an old pump jockey from the 80′s I appreciate the post and I have much respect for a window well squeegied. I’ve done thousands of them. One more tip. Always make sure the bottom of the squeegie is in front of the top of it, like this- \. The result is much less fluid to wipe off (and less chance of leaving that horrible horizontal stripe).
September 18, 2009 at 9:28 am
LOL – thanks for the morning laugh as usual, Neil! My favorite on this post was “Pay tribute to the ladybug’s tiny, beautiful life by disposing of its remains at the station instead of driving them back and forth to work for a few weeks.” Laughed out loud at my desk….people looked at me like I was crazy.
September 18, 2009 at 10:55 am
I liked that line, too!
October 1, 2009 at 8:24 pm
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