Drive that steaming rustbucket up to the gas station and let’s get down to business.
Folks, you know it and I know it: perfect squeegee jobs are hard work. You’re a pro wiper if you master these top five tricks:
1. Liftups. Not everyone has the moxy to wipe under the windshield wipers but that’s where you’ll find dried leaves and lots of highway grime. Don’t be afraid to get in there.
2. Just enough drips. Okay, if you’re pulling the squeegee out of that dirty blue liquid and slapping it on your rear window in one swift move, then you’re probably overdripping. There’s no need to get your shoes wet, so do like the pros and tap off before you tap on.
3. Say no to streaks. Quick wiping is sloppy wiping. Avoid streaks at all costs by using two hands, leaning your head in, and applying just enough even pressure to keep the squeegee running straight. If you get a streak by accident it’s time to do it again. If you start to compromise, you’ll just hate yourself later. Be strong.
4. Bug off. Pros don’t let smeared bug guts get in their way. No, they’ll hammer those out with some furrowed brows and furious back and forth swiping. Pay tribute to the ladybug’s tiny, beautiful life by disposing of its remains at the station instead of driving them back and forth to work for a few weeks.
5. Side Mirror Superstar. Everyone thinks they can do the side mirrors but the truth is that they’re nearly impossible. Sure, it’s a nice idea at first, when you notice how dirty they are, and you’ve got the squeegee in your hand. But then you realize the squeegee doesn’t fit on there too well so you get inconsistent smudge-steaks and a black scribbly cloud above your head. Streak-free side mirrors require years of training. Work your way into it and expect to make lots of mistakes.
Yes, when you nail the perfect squeegee job you’re loving it lots. Mom fills up, dad grabs beef jerky, and your kid brother runs for the graffiti-covered bathroom that smells like urinal pucks. But you stumble out that van door, stretch your legs, and just casually eye that squeegee stick.
Then you look at your bug-splattered windshield, nod a little nod, and smile a little smile.
Because you know what has to be done.
And you know how to do it.