#279 Anything really, really heavy

Boom-badda, boom-badda.

Back when I was a wee lad I remember begging my parents for some newfangled gadget from Radio Shack that let me play LCD checkers in the back of the station wagon. It was like Game Boy’s Great Uncle or something and after I fought with scissors to break it out of its frozen-carbonite-like plastic shell I remember thinking to myself, “Wow, this thing is really light.”

Sure enough, a couple dozen King Me’s later in the back of our bumpy wagon and this E-crap of Terribleness went kaput. I guess it was essentially plastic-wrapped air with a rusty circuit board wedged inside and couldn’t keep up with my killer moves. But it got me thinking that maybe there’s just something better about things that are really, really heavy…

• A pile of blankets on top of you. Because nothing beats getting buried under the hot fuzz on a cold night.

• Pens. There is a direct relationship with the heaviness of your pen and its quality. Bottom of the barrel is those flimsy four inch plastic ones that clip onto your mini golf card. Top of the heap is the fat one the size of a hot dog sitting beside the wedding reception guest book.

• Gold bars. When your bank account is loaded with tipsy pyramids of gold bars you’re either an ancient Egyptian King, Veronica Lodge’s dad, or Scrooge McDuck. Either way, gold’s been valuable since before recorded history for coins, jewelry, and arts.

• The Earth. It really is a great planet. And sure, we may have problems, but have you tried living anywhere else? The commute is always a nightmare and don’t get me started on the lack of water or air.

• Things made of glass. Listen up, plastic Jeep windows, Styrofoam cups, and the stained yogurt container I’m heating up this leftover ravioli in right now — your days are numbered. Because there’s something to be said for going heavy and going back to glass for the win.

• Old toys from your Grandpa’s basement. When you come across an old dump truck or a heavy wood paddle and ball it’s time to get down with a high quality afternoon. Keep fishing through boxes and you might find a solid metal xylophone or a doll who’s rock hard head could double as a battering ram.

• Ununoctium. Poor Mendeleev didn’t leave spots for this synthetic element — also know as last square on The Periodic Table and the heaviest element on Earth. Packing 118 protons into an atom isn’t easy but it makes for a fun challenge for nerds.

• Babies. Yes, it’s a great sign when babies come out heavy and healthy and then keep growing and growing and growing and growing until they turn into me and you.

• Old, dangerous playground equipment. We’ve chatted before about how metal see-saws, hot slides, and rusty Big Spinners beat plastic rocking horses two feet off the ground any day.

• Unwrapped Christmas presents. Heavy mystery boxes crank up that exciting what-could-this-be factor on Christmas morning.

Yes, in these days of bendable, breakable, and throwaway there’s something nice about anything really, really heavy. Heavy means this action figure won’t break next week. Heavy means this omelet is packed with cheese. And maybe heavy is just a sign of substance, a sign of comfort, and a sign something was put together by someone who cared.


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Photos from: here, here, here, here, and here

46 thoughts on “#279 Anything really, really heavy

  1. I miss Scrooge McDuck. I used to watch a movie about him, his nephews, and a Genie, everytime I went to my Nan’s. Good times!

      1. Exactly. First smile was AWESOME. Hope the rest of mine today can live up to the hype of number one. :)

  2. Great recap on a lot of my favorite things…. old playground equipment, babies, my family vehicle….
    The first thing that popped into my head when I read the title was a refridgerator, haha

    1. I love the frig! A great heavy thing that holds so many things I love: milk, wine, cheese, grapes, pepper jelly & cream cheese, bacon & eggs, coconut cream pie, chocolate pudding, leftovers, and so much more!

  3. Above anything else, I need to first comment about that AMAZING rocket slide complex … Oh, what I would give to play on one of those again.

    Things that feel heavy just exude “quality product” … cheap, flimsy, lightweight stuff has its place, I guess, but it just doesn’t compare.

  4. I would add ‘The Pig’ to that list as well.
    So much weight for quite those four tiny trotters to carry. Without that weight they would probably be the size of a large dog. But that heaviness makes them the awesome pigs that they are. Lest we forget #303 All the food that comes out of a pig
    They are really really heavy, and are just plain awesome.

  5. my first thought was babies, especially since my grand-daughter and grand son both had very difficult starts…we could literally say, “they were a’growing concern,” then just like angels participated…they both started to shoot up, one is 5 now; the other 8 months. Pediatricians have them charted in the 25 percentile; growth and development on target…now they are both “Going Concerns,” in rejoiceful ways!
    NOW…5% may not seem like much to you all, but it’s a good, priceless, really, really heavy hallelujah to all of us!!!

  6. Oh, my gosh! I love this post! There are so many things I could comment about, but for some reason I feel the need to remember glass eyeglasses. Recently my mom was cleaning out a drawer of old stuff and unearthed some doozies of old glasses my dad wore in the 70’s. It was crazy how heavy they were! Yes, before the super-lightweight slim unbreakable plastic wonders we have now, glasses were made of…wait for it… GLASS. And they were thick. And heavy. They slid down your nose. And those heavy glass eyeglasses that slide down your nose, gave us that classic nerd move – the one-finger glasses push-up. AWESOME.

    1. My aviators are really light, but they still slide down my nose constantly. I figure the cool factor of the aviators negates the nerdiness of the one-finger glasses push-up. I could be wrong…

  7. And if you pulled out one of those big-ass heavy marbles in the middle of a marbles match with your mates you were considered superior, almost superhuman. You know the one’s I’m talking about; the ones about double the size of your friend’s puny normal marbles.
    When you revealed it from your pocket you would hear the groans from your friends. For they knew the time had come for their feeble normal-sized marbles to be smashed into next week by your awesome super-heavy marble.

  8. Three cheers for heavy blankets and glass. I drink a lot of bottled/canned beverages, and there’s nothing like a nice glass bottle of refreshment. They’re hard to find these days, though! I would love to be able to buy water in a glass bottle, but I’ve never seen it. That would be the most amazing thing on a hot day.

  9. Apparently, this is a good rule for most produce as well. I’m a really big fan of the Food Network-personality, Alton Brown. He’s as nerdy as you can get for someone talking about food, and is very focused on food science. His show “Good Eats” is pretty awesome, for those who haven’t seen it before. The show has been compared to “1 part Julia Child, 1 part Mr. Wizard and 1 part Monty Python”.. how could something like that be bad? :)

    At any rate.. (sorry for the long diversion), whenever Alton does a show on some type of produce – say, peaches – he inevitably mentions one of the key metrics for selecting good specimens at the grocery store. One of the key phrases he always uses is: “Select a [peach] that’s heavy for its size”.. I always found that a funny instruction.

    Heavy for its size… compared to what?? I mean, compared to a baseball-sized styrofoam ball, a peach is definitely heavy for its size.. but compared to a comparably sized cannon-ball? psssh..

    Alton – I love you man, but you really need to give your viewers a frame of reference here.. why don’t you give us a rough density guideline and then I could bring a scale, bucket of water and calculator with me to the grocery store and do some rough calculations.

    1. For the record, this is another way that I know you’re a nerd.

      I use the “heavy produce” rule mostly on head lettuce. If you see me in the grocery store picking up each head of lettuce and bouncing it a bit in my hands, you’ll know what I’m doing. I also knock on melons.

      1. Thanks for the heads-up.. I’ll add it to the pie chart.. the nerd pie chart, not the Rick Astley one.. that one is fixed for life.

        I’d love to know more rules for picking out good produce. Is there anything that you’re supposed to sniff?

        I’m also terrible at picking out good avocados. They’re either rock hard, or over-ripened and have started to brown inside. All I know is they’re supposed to be heavy for their size.

        1. I don’t know if you’re SUPPOSED to sniff these, but I always sniff peaches, nectarines and mangoes. As they ripen, they smell more strongly – just helps me determine ripeness without rudely squeezing them. Also, I like how they smell. :) I’ve also been known to sniff coriander for the same reason.

  10. Heavy things are indeed awesome. You ever try to pick up a 747? man, how do those things ever get into the air?

    1. In San Francisco there was this old plane that was hollowed out and basically served as that park’s playground. I had played on it since I was a toddler and when I got to high school, one day the city taped it off because it was full of asbestos. Not sure if it’s still there any more.

  11. By the way I love the Fisher Price add chosen.. with the ORIGINAL Little People. I had that farm, and school bus. :) I still have them, as I don’t like the new so-called ‘little people’. They’re not little, they’re fat.

  12. OH MY !!!! I want to go to that playground !
    that is the most awesomest slide , I would never get tired of playing on it
    squeeling with glee everytime I went down it..

    oh yes if you had gold bars… you would be rich

    weebles wobble but the don’t fall down LOL
    now I can’t get ‘bigwheel’ out of my head

  13. An endearing part of my memories is the HEAVY rocking chair where my grandmother sat to do her knitting; to read me a story and/or rocked me to sleep. My grandfather used it to smoke his pipe and sit silently watching the fire dance on many a cold winter’s night. sigh

  14. I just picked up the wife’s computer, clicked safari and browsed the last page visited. The rocket slide! I love the rocket slide. Is it the same rocket slide? Is there more than one?

  15. Don’t forget heavy sandwiches. Picking up a heavy sub means it has good, thick meat and plenty of toppings. A heavy sandwich means you will be full afterwards.

  16. Seeing a photo of one of your favorite childhood playgrounds at the tag end of one of your favorite daily web-posts. What memories that brings back! Awesome!

  17. I would also add watches to that list of awesome heavy items. Something about a good, solid, heavy watch sits well with my soul. And yes, I tend to favor guys watches, since girls watches are all frilly and thin and not at all soul filling. :)

  18. my father collected train toys from the 60’s, he has a room full of them and let me tell you, each toy train that is around say 1″ to 4″ length, it must weigh something like half a pound, you can really kill someone if you threw that toy train right on their temple, i should ebay them lol

  19. Got a new washer this year… it took one young guy to bring the new one down into the basement…. it took two to struggle to get the 30 year old one that died up the stairs. Neither of them were born when I bought it.

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