#590 Wearing a sweatshirt from the store that hasn’t been washed yet

Feel that fuzz.

Yes, when you toss on a brand new sweatshirt just smile and enjoy the smooth silky softness rubbing against your skin. There are no lint balls, fraying sleeves, or crinkled tags scratching at your neck. It’s just the cottony soft freshness of a brand new friend.

Of course, we both know the washer and dryer will slowly murder our sweatshirts over time. That’s why if you’re like me you try and stretch out that cozy first wear feeling as long as possible. You keep wearing it and wearing it and wearing it and wearing it, all the while hoping nobody calls you out on the fact you don’t wash your clothes.

But come on, it’s worth it. It’s worth the looks. It’s worth the stares. It’s worth the undershirts smeared with red lint. So go ahead! Toss on a pair of sweatpants, plop down on your cushy couch, and lay back in that sunny and relaxing world of


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#591 Sitting on your perfectly made bed and admiring your work after cleaning your room

Once again your room is at the top of its game.

No more tripping on crumpled jeans flowers on your way to the light switch. No more grabbing random sweaters off your desk only to notice streaky mustard stains later in the day. Nope, no more dust bunnies, no more dried-out pudding cups, and no more bedside tables jammed with junk.

As you sit on your bed and look around you enjoy a brief moment of living in an IKEA magazine. Crisp and clean, free and fresh, you can practically hear the phone ringing and a fast-talking group of Scandanavian engineers begging to come over and study your work.

Well, if they call then I say let them come onnnnnnnn over.

Let them stare down their glasses at your tightly crisped bedsheets. Let them make clipboard notes on your clean carpet vaccuum streaks. And let them swipe their lab coat sleeves on your dust-free couch seats.

Yes, you burned the clock cleaning up the joint and now your place is sparkling and looking special. It’s always nice stopping to soak it all in.


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#594 When your windshield wipers match the beats of the song you’re listening to

Cruising home from a friend’s place, driving the kids to school, rolling home on the highway, you smile softly and focus on the road as your head bops to the stereo.

Suddenly clouds cover the sky, the air gets heavy, and big drops start pitter-pattering your windshield. Snare drum staccatos fill your car’s cabin and you quickly flip on your windshield wipers.

But if you’re lucky this is when the groove starts grooving and your car starts moving as you notice your wipers are timed perfectly to the stereo beats. Yes, without even trying your rusty bucket’s become a pitch-perfect concert hall on the highway.

Hands clapping, fingers tapping, you click your turn signal on so a little high-hat and dashboard disco light join your dance party on wheels. With your body bumping and your brain buzzing your one-man jam band rocks out in the fast lane.

You sorta feel like George Harrison in that video where his desk drawers, grandfather clock, and wall-mounted deer all get into it and start shaking to the tunes. It feels like everyone’s coming together for this great big booming moment. You smile and laugh and sing a long as cosmic energy swirls and the universe gives you a little wink to let you know everything’s unfolding according to plan.


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#595 On tap anything

Once upon a time my friend Chad went to college.

Now, Chad likes to tell people what made him decide to go to school and the reasons why he traded in a job at Best Buy for a few hard years of hitting the books.

See, on a whim one weekend Chad packed his trunk and cruised down the highway to visit our friend Mike who was away at school. They didn’t have any plans but spent a couple days going out for drinks and eating meals at the residence dining hall.

And it was in that dining hall that Chad first came face to face with a big beautiful stainless steel object of his desire. Yes, he glanced up slowly and realized in a stunning moment that he was staring straight at chocolate milk on tap.

His jaw dropped and his eyeballs flashed fireworks as he immediately filled three glasses with the sweet-flowing brown gold and let his brain reel with infinite possibilities.

“It’s like neverending chocolate milk,” he said at the time, his eyebrows furrowed and his head bobbing in quick nods. And then: “I gotta go to college!”

Yes, this really is a true story. Chocolate milk on tap convinced Chad to ditch his job and head down the highway the following year. Chocolate milk on tap changed his life because anything on tap is great.

Let’s count down some killer classics:

• Slurpees. Flip the switch sideways and let the crystal cola slide smoothly into your cup like a snake. For bonus points, mix and match flavors until your drink looks like the surface of Jupiter.

• Brown soda. Did you ever get behind an open bar at a wedding when you were a kid? Hey, if you remember mixing tall glasses full of fountain Coke, Sprite, Orange, and Root Beer into delightfully tangy swill, you had a great childhood.

• Beer at a keg party. Forget the bottles and cans for a night. Now it’s time for some foamy pumping. If you’re the one guy who actually knows how to tap the keg then you’re the official dude responsible for keeping everyone’s red plastic cups full tonight.

• Maple syrup. Just toss on your hiking boots in the dead of winter, walk silently to the middle of the forest, and tap that tree to get it done, son. It’s time to get sticky.

• Soft serve ice cream. Don’t you love it when your local all-you-can-eat buffet has that soft serve ice cream machine sitting right in the open? You can squeeze a little swirl into your warm, plastic wet-from-the-dishwasher bowl, or go cowboy and build the tallest, swirliest ice cream known to man.

• Water. If you’ve got a drink in the kitchen, clean hands in the bathroom, and a hot shower in the tub, then today’s your day to say thanks.

• Nacho cheese at 7-Eleven. Now here’s the heaviest hitter of all. When you swirl your salty 7-Eleven nachos under that hot pump of oozing cheese, you’re in for a good night. I once saw a guy fill up a Big Gulp cup with the stuff and take it home. The cashier was so surprised that she just charged him for a soft drink. Good deal, man.

People, listen up: when you come face to face with anything on tap all Coke cans and beer bottles fade to dark black. You grab control of the boat and start pumping nozzles and squeezing triggers with reckless abandon, breaking free of the tight shackles of portion control and sailing deeper and deeper into a shadowy paradise of no rules … no order … and no limits.


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#597 When a cop drives behind you for a while and then finally passes you

Cruising cops cause traffic stops.

Yes indeedy, the rest of us law-aspiring citizens immediately slow to a speed limit cruise when we spot cops silently swerving behind our bumpers. We’re the jittery school of fish with jumpy eyes and they’re the silent shark swimming over to our lane.

With our hearts drum-thumping and our white-knuckled hands gripping the wheel we temporarily become Super Drivers — using our signals, leaving space, and checking our mirrors every two seconds.

We don’t know if the cop is eyeballing us, about to flick its flashers,  or typing our license plate into its computer, so we’re in a heightened state of driving. And sometimes the cop sort of sits behind you for a while, too. Seconds tick like hours when Yourtown’s Finest stick to your heels and force questions through your brain: Was I actually speeding? Should I change lanes? Does he want me to speed up?

Everything slowly and slowly builds and builds to a bigger and bigger feeling of tension and pain…

… until he finally just zooms off into the distance, never to be heard from again.


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#598 Sniffing your armpits when no one’s looking and realizing you don’t stink

Nobody’s gonna tell you you stink.

Honestly, the much-needed finger-pointing, nose-pinching tipoff is harder to spot than an albino Bigfoot.

See, there are limits to the amount of quiet social tips we’re willing to toss out there. When your tag’s hanging out the back of your sweater, we’re on it. When there’s a slimy parsley leaf stuck between your two front teeth, we’ll let you know. And if one of your collars is flipped up, we’ll get it for you.

But if there’s a cloud of B.O. flying off you with big stink-lines going in all directions, well then you’re on your own.

That’s why it’s great to snag a quiet moment to sniff your pits and make sure that deodorant’s working.


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