#816 When the late-night pizza order arrives really, really early

Neil Pasricha

Hot and earlyGrumbling tums make the pizza come every time. Scope this scene:

It’s late at night, clock clicking past three in the morning, you and your friends are laying on a torn, potato chip crumb covered couch, sporting big grins, slack jaws, droopy eyes, and sweaty T-shirts. You’re half-awake but fully-hungry, half-cooked but not fully done, half-exhausted but fully up for ordering a giant, hot and steamy, late night pizza pie.

Someone suggests it and everybody wants it. And then it’s all over.

First you start picturing burning hot mozzarella sliding around on slippery tomato sauce. You dream of wet and glistening pepperoni, the corners black and crispy, little grease puddles laying in the folds. And you know, you just know, that pizza will taste delicious. Because how can it not?

Long gone by 2amSee, we all know this ain’t your 6pm Dinner Order, where toppings are debated, phone numbers are looked up, and the table is set for dinner, complete with triangle-folded paper towels and a giant 2L bottle of Coke centerpiece.

No, this is the Late Night Scarf-It-And-Sleep Order. This is the one your doctor warned you about. This is the one that took out Grandpa. Yeah, this is the big ball of dough that sponges up everything else in your belly. It’s the only cure for rapid outbreaks of the Midnight Munchies, that empty, raw, growling feeling your gut gives you when it’s tired and confused and suddenly wants breakfast.

The Scarf-It-And-Sleep generally consists of somebody dialing whatever number is in their cell phone, ordering a plain cheese or pepperoni pizza without asking anybody else, and then just throwing it on their credit card because they can’t be bothered to collect five bucks from everybody sitting around playing Nintendo.

The only issue with the Scarf-It-And-Sleep is that even in the middle of the night you get told what you always get told. “That’ll be 45 minutes to an hour,” they say. And brother, you know and I know that you don’t want to be waiting an hour for pizza at three in the morning. Somebody might just crack and drink a bottle of salad dressing or eat a chunk of butter the size of a deck of cards, man. It’s a tense scene.

And that’s why it’s great when, once in a while, you get that surprise really, really early pizza delivery. When twelve minutes after you place your order, the doorbell rings and wham-bam, thank you gram, it’s here and it’s hot and it’s time to toss that greasy square of hot cardboard on the floor and just rip right into it like a pack of hungry of lions around a dead zebra.

So this one goes out to the pizza chains that surprise us with an early delivery once in a while. Thanks for filling our bellies with your greasy goodness just in time for bed.

AWESOME!

Get in while there's still meat

Photo from: here, here and here

26 thoughts to “#816 When the late-night pizza order arrives really, really early”

  4. A few things:

    1) The awesomeness of this is in stark contrast to the “Super Bowl pizza order that takes 3 hours to arrive, and shows up in the 4th quarter, while your guests are grumbling and you’ve run out of tostitos and salsa”. Not a pleasant experience.

    2) My buddies and I have taken to doing all our pizza ordering online. The customization available is really incredible. On that topic, a link to one of the funnier “Pizza” related articles I’ve ever seen (particularly the “none pizza with left beef”). http://www.thesneeze.com/mt-archives/000707.php

    And with that, I’ll hit submit, with a sneaking suspicious that jdurley or Mike Dover will be jumping on me, with evidence that I’ve poached that link from another comment on this blog. Yikes!

    1. Freddo, that is a wonderful link. As a past food delivery unit for Dominoes (sans mustache) I appreciate this more than you will ever know. Thanks!

  6. I had a chicken bacon ranch something pizza last night… I could go for some more right now. Great choice Neil.

  10. Last night, I placed an order for chinese food. The estimate? 30-40 minutes (isn’t that what they always say?). Not ten minutes later, the delivery man is knocking at my door with the food. Awesome!

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  17. #816 precedes #815, for sure! Who can sleep soundly with sinuses and stomach on pizza?!*

  21. This is awesome! But everything is better really late and when your tired. It’s yummy when you have to wait for your satisfaction but if it comes quick it makes it taste EVEN BETTER!!
    Awesome!

  22. This can only really be talking about that legally ambiguous form of munchies uni students get.. Brilliantly observed none the less, always been great times.x

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