Toronto is home to some of the best hot dog street vendors in the world. Street meat, we call it proudly, waiting in lines to get char-grilled, crisp-on-the-outside, soft-on-the-inside, big, brown beautiful hot dogs. The dogs usually come set perfectly in a puffy, yellow bun, like a smiling child tucked tightly into bed. Yes, it’s a glowing little beef-tube of heaven, a spicy little meat-wand of joy, the perfect company for a movie or a long walk home after the bars.
Now, despite the powerful taste-punch to the mouth the street vendor hot dog delivers, I’m sorry to say there is just one little problem: my friend, there is spillage, and plenty of it. Hot dog vendors pride themselves on their never ending array of toppings, from spicy mustard to onions, pickles to olives, sauerkraut to banana peppers. It’s a delicious den of germs just sitting out on the street in little glass jars, protected from gas fumes, building exhausts, and pigeon crap by nothing more than a large umbrella.
Now, like most people, I love hot dog toppings. But you and me, together we face a common problem: trying to balance piles of wet toppings on top of a round, slippery wiener. It ain’t easy, homes. Usually the relish slips off first, and you get those artistic looking ketchup and mayo swirls dripping onto your pants. Worst-case scenario you get a rogue pickle coated in mustard leaving a big yellow skid mark right on the belly of your T-shirt. The ladies sure love those.
I laugh, but folks: this is a serious problem.
Thankfully though, there is a solution: Yes, I’m talking about The Toppings-First Method. That’s right, believe it. Now here’s how it all goes down:
- First, ask for your bun while the hot dog is still cooking. “Mind if I get the bun first?” There, just like that. Most vendors will just hand it over, so now you’re holding a big empty hot dog bun in your hand. Everyone with me so far?
- Next is the very important bedding step. I cannot overemphasize the importance of this step. You can’t just lay your wet condiments down in the crack of the bun and expect the integrity of the bun to hold up. That would be ridiculous. No, you need to lay down a layer of condiment bedding first that gently cradles the wet toppings while preventing them from soaking through. Your ideal choices here are diced onions, pickles, or even lettuce if you have to.
- Okay, now… load that bun up like there’s no tomorrow! Just keep piling the wet toppings in there! Deep red river of ketchup, bright yellow pools of mustard, generous spoonfuls of relish. Load it up. Believe me, the dog will still fit.
- Finally, dog up! Rest that beautiful Fat Jim right down on your sugary bed of condiments. It may lay a bit high on the bun, but don’t you worry. Everything will still fit. Now the hot dog serves as shield and a guide, protecting your pants while escorting the delicious condiments into your hungry stomach below.
This is a magical technique I first learned from my friend Chad. He has perfected it to a science, where he has a very specific condiment architecture involving categorizing condiments into “wet”, “gritty”, and “cheese.” He can talk for five minutes about how relish is the most underrated topping or how proper cheese placement is key to fine melting. The point is that there are more advanced versions of this technique, but you really need to master the basics first. Sure, I’ve given you a guide. But only you can do the rest.
AWESOME!
Hey!
Let’s have some fun this week!
Want to win a free copy of The 2013 Calendar of Awesome?
Just submit an awesome thing in a comment below and one random winner will be picked at the end of the week. You can submit as many awesome things as you like! Just make sure you enter your real email address so we have a way of contacting you if you win!
Good luck!
Neil
p.s. If you order The 2013 Calendar of Awesome directly from the publisher here, you can type in ‘Awesome’ (without the quotes) at the checkout to get 25% off! Also available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble…
My awesome thing is passing people in a race. I am a VERY slow runner who only finished my first 5k ever without walking last summer. I am definitely the tortoise, not the hare. But I start every race towards the back and choose my targets from the beginning. I love, love, love passing people. The people who start off sprinting and are walking at mile 1—I just cruise on by with my nose in the air. The kids who run/walk and stay with me the entire race but I finally leave them in the last 1/2 mile. The speed walker who passed ME at the first mile but that I have refused to let out of my sight who I have to sprint really hard the last 100 yards to get ahead of and almost vomit but feel absolutely incredible because he didn’t beat me :) And, of course, anyone who looks younger and in better shape but find themselves walking.
Along the same lines another awesome thing at races is cheering each other on. Sometimes when someone starts walking you just find yourselves running up to them and encouraging them on. Because that’s what others have done for you. Oh—and the fact that people cheer for you as you cross the finish line-no matter what your time—when is that ever not AWESOME???
:)
Watching the pure joy on an pet’s face when you give them a treat. Every time I give one of my little guys a treat, their faces light up like it’s Christmas morning. Awesome!
Winning this calendar would be awesome!
Agreed :)
Finding something you thought you’d lost. You forgot about it years ago, so coming across whatever is you found is like finding treasure… AWESOME!
The “Happy Birthday” attention you secretly want. You can’t really tell anyone you want a huge surprise party, so when it happens, you feel pretty AWESOME :)
Haha I actually did…. :P It was half joke, half desire, and I told my friend Lauren that I wanted a surprise party, but no pressure. She and other Lauren were organising things all this year with my mum behind my back but it kind of fizzled, so they went with plan B instead. This was taking me out on the town for shopping and movies for 6 1/2 hours then coming back to my house and crashing for the night :D ‘Twas the best birthday party ever.
Lazy days. Not having to get out of your pj’s, but rather just lounging around. Perhaps finishing a season of a t.v. series. AWESOME!
Homemade cards. Nothin beats a card with handcut letters from magazines, ribbon and stickers to celebrate an occasion or just brighten your day. So give them and get them to spread around a little more AWESOME!!!
Random holidays. Sometimes you may not even be quite sure what the occasion is, but hey, a day of work is surely AWESOME!
Pulling a successful prank. You need an unsuspecting and forgiving victim, a brilliant idea, and people who can keep secrets. This does not always work. When it does… that’s AWESOME!!!
The perfect gift. Only a best friend knows what’ll make you smile and make the cut to your keepsake box (and not the trash). Sometimes this gift is a silly one to remind you of an inside joke, or it’s something you’ve been needing for awhile but didn’t want to buy for yourself, or it’s something you now don’t know how you could live without. Either way, this perfect gift is AWESOME :)
Learning a new word. A whole lot more people would think of you as quite sophisticated if you threw the words “Brobdingnagian, Mondegreen and Encephalon” into your sentence… AWESOME!
Achieving a goal. Inside you say to yourself “That’s one small step for man, but one giant step for mankind.” Yes, you are pretty AWESOME :)
Winning something. Anything (this calendar would be pretty AWESOME to win!) Knowing that of all the people that entered, it is you that won! AWESOME!!!
The fluff inside a new jumper before it’s been washed – AWESOME!
-When marathons of old tv shows come on. Like, GOOD old tv shows. Yep, I’m talking about JAG, Friends, Boy Meets World, M*A*S*H, Will&Grace. When shows made prior to 2004 come on in mass quantities, you can’t help but pause and revel in their awesomeness. It’s like having a taste of that delicious pecan pie that grandma made 15 Thanksgivings ago–back in the good ol’ days! They make you stop and remember what life was like for you back then–perhaps when you were about to graduate high school or pregnant with your twin girls. As silly as it may sound, blast-from-the-past tv series aren’t just scripts and actors–they’re memories!
-AWESOME!
Most awesome? Getting a big,wet, doggie kiss :-)
The last moving sidewalk before you exit the airport.
This means a few more awesome seconds of relaxation and laziness before vacation ends and the real world begins.
Reblogged this on Dea Della Cucina and commented:
Makes perfect sense to me!
My awesome thing: Old Scratchy Towels. Those grizzled old veterans may be a bit rough, but they’ll get the job done a lot better than those fresh-faced, “scientifically tailored” towels of today.
Waking up early on a lazy summer morning and spending the day lounging in a comfy hoodie, despite it being insanely hot outside. Awesome!
getting out of the way *just before* a skunk crosses the same path, hence NOT getting sprayed~ AWESOME!
Horse-back riding!
When a hawk puts on a show while horse-back riding!
When an owl swoops so low he casts a large shadow over the trail riders and nobody gets hurt!
The song of a loon on a lake.
Seeing a mama and a baby moose together!
An authentic Pow-wow.
Dancing and singing like nobody’s watching and you get goose bumps!
A journey with Jesus.
Coming home after surgery to read your book, smlile, laugh (even though it hurts) and realize all the simple things that make life AWESOME.
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