Author: Neil Pasricha

First you spot the Teetering Treat.

It’s the candy bar hanging onto the metal spirals for dear life, just sitting there after giving the last customer the ol’ For Sale Fail and just teasing them instead of delivering the goods. And instead of spending another dollar to test their luck, they decided to walk away. Hey, we’ve all been there too, so now it’s time for some good ol’ fashioned Vending Machine Karma, also known as Chocolate Justice.

So just drop your money in, push the buttons, and listen for that sweet thump-thump of two treats dropping into the Sugar Basin at once. Now just push back the awkwardly heavy door and swipe a paw in there to scoop up your treasures. Kiss the vending machine plastic window, hold your two treats up to the sky in both hands, and then flee the scene.

It’s snacking time.

Yes, that free treat is great because, first of all, now’s your chance to play Santa to an unsuspecting co-worker. Got someone who could use a Kit-Kat Fix? Of course you do. So share the wealth and give yourself a break together. It’s Christmas at the office again.

Secondly, no matter how much you try, you can’t return the free snack. No, there’s no wedging your hand back up there and throwing it back into its Metal Spiral Jail Cell. So ditch the guilt and smile back at the Gods of Snacking for they have smiled down upon you.

And you deserve it.

AWESOME!

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Don’t ask me how this happens.

Sometimes it just happens.

AWESOME!

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While sitting around the lunch table in tenth grade my friend Mike accidentally squirted himself in the face with a juice box. He thought it was empty and squeezed the daylights out of the thing, causing streams of apple juice to just drench him completely. His hair soaked, his eyebrows dripping, his mouth slowly and painfully dropped into a Perfect O of Shock while everybody around him just rolled with laughter.

For years after that, whenever that crystal-clear image of Mike’s sticky, juicy, and surprised face suddenly popped into my head, I burst out laughing. I just couldn’t help it. I had a Laugh Echo.

Yes, The Laugh Echo is when you laugh out loud after suddenly remembering something funny that happened a while ago. It’s a random and hilarious event that can occur with family, with friends or — for bonus points — by yourself in a crowded public place.

Now according to our egghead pals at Wikipedia, laughing is great for us. Yes, it helps protect our heart muscles, lowers our blood sugar after a meal, helps us sleep, juices up our antibodies and blood flow, and gives us mini cardio workouts throughout the day. Honestly, have you ever seen babies just laughing uncontrollably for no reason? They know the score and are probably just remembering something funny that happened in the womb. Folks, it’s like I always say: We can learn much from The Baby.

So next time you let out a big Laugh Echo in public, just love it lots. Because life’s too short, my friends. Let’s squeeze in as many laughs as we can get. Then at the end, when we’re old and gray, when our bones are brittle and our hair is hay, how will it feel when we look each other straight in the eyes and just burst out laughing?

I think we both know the answer to that.

AWESOME!

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Put your hand up if you’ve ever tried to fish out some slippery, slathery egg shell pieces from a bowl full of raw egg.

Brother, I’ve been there, too and we both know it ain’t pretty. Yes, Shell Diving is high on the Kitchen Humiliation List, together with dropping a piece of toast jam-side-down on the floor, opening the oven door and having massive clouds of smoke blow out, or cracking an ice cube tray too strongly and sending rogue cubes scattering all over the floor.

Yes, the Awful Egg Crack is guaranteed to redden some cheeks and knock amateur chefs down a few pegs. Nobody wants to be That Guy, who cracks that egg, that badly, and that’s why it’s so sweet when you finally do master The Perfect Egg Crack. You can do it at home, by yourself, with a bit of practice. Just follow these three easy steps:

Step 1. The Tap N’ Crack . There is some debate on where exactly the egg should be tapped. Most folks like to tap the egg against an edge, like the side of a mixing bowl, but some argue that you should only tap the egg against a flat surface, like a kitchen counter or cutting board. Whatever you choose, just be sure to only dent the shell lightly instead of giving it a career-ending stab wound. Pushing too hard will result in a Slime Explosion, and unless you want to be called Salmonella Hands for the rest of your life, you don’t want that.

Step 2. Big Thumbs. This is the moment of truth. Stick your two thumbs in the dent you made and in one swift move just dig them in there deep and pull them apart. If you did it right, the shell should snap easily into two beautiful pieces, dropping its slippery plunder into the bowl below. Now, some people opt for the One-Handed move instead of ol’ faithful Big Thumbs, but I say that’s too risky. Besides, what are you really going to do with your free hand anyway?

Step 3. The Inspection. Go ahead, give it a once over. Grab a magnifying glass or hold it up to the light if you need to. But I’m going to guess it’s looking pretty pretty, my friend. Because you just performed a Perfect Egg Crack.

So beat that egg, fry that egg, whip that egg into some cake batter. It’s time to say goodbye to Kitchen Humiliation and hello to some well-deserved Kitchen Pride.

AWESOME!

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Munch lunch at a Chinese restaurant, brunch at a Holiday Inn, or dinner at a wedding reception, and chances are good you will come face to face with the The All-You-Can-Eat Buffet.

If you’re a Buffet Amateur like me, your pupils dilate and your mouth starts watering as soon as you spot the long table full of steam trays and criss-crossed table cloths. Soon it’s game on, and you grab a plate and pile it high with some bread, a few salads, and a couple rolled-up salamis or a bowl of Won Ton soup. For plate number two you tackle the entrees, scooping up sticky heaps of Kung Pao chicken, soggy French Toast, or paper-thin slices of roast beef soaking in dark mushroom gravy. Then you go back for a third plate, this one featuring a tipsy mountain of desserts — maybe some assorted squares, a thick, gummy slice of cheesecake, or some fluorescent pink, freezer-burned ice cream sliding around your plate.

Then as you lay bloated on your chair, your buttons bursting, your eyelids drooping, you face a final decision: Do you go back for The Fourth Plate?

The Fourth Plate is almost always a good idea before you do it and a bad idea afterwards. It’s the helping after the helping after. It’s the Greatest Hits Plate, a star-studded collection featuring the most popular items from Plate 1, 2, and 3, coming together for the reunion tour, the last hurrah, the final dance at the dinner table.

The Fourth Plate is also a famous mark of a Buffet Amateur, because it can be the sign of someone who realizes that Plate 2 was the best plate and they really just want more of Plate 2. For years, I scarfed down The Fourth Plate at the Indian buffet near my college. Buttery, pillowy-soft naans piled high, thick and creamy Butter Chicken, and spicy, simmering lamb in a hearty broth. It was just too much. I caved in every time and walked away with a curry-busting gut and a samosa hangover.

Since then I’ve been tutored on the art of mastering the all-you-can-eat buffet. Everybody’s got their own techniques, but here’s what I’ve learned over the years:

1. The Walk-Through. Don’t do what I used to do and blindly take a spoonful of everything. No, you’ve got to do your Walk-Through First. You’re a detective, popping open steam tray after steam tray, looking for recent fill-ups, traffic around popular items, and sure winners like omelet stations or a guy in a chef’s hat slicing big slabs of meat. Now’s also time for some Belly Space Analysis, where every item’s Tasty Deliciousness is weighed against it’s Projected Stomach Volume. Bread, soup, and salad rarely pass the Belly Space Analysis test. Skipping those means you just gained an extra plate and are on your way.

2. Drink Later. Sugary drinks just fill you up with carbs and cost extra. If you can postpone your Pepsi, then you’ll save belly space for the hot goods.

3. The Sampler. My dad is famous for the sampler plate. Within minutes of arriving he’ll dot a big white plate with small portions of every entree and proceed to say “Hmmm,” a lot while scooping up tiny forkfuls of each to see what will make the cut. You have to have willpower to pull off The Sampler, but it can be very rewarding. You know you aced it when your next plate is just piles of your two favorites. Good on ya.

4. Staggered Trips. If you’re with friends, don’t wait until everybody is done their first plate before uniformly filing up for a second trip together. No, go separately and act as each others eyes and ears out there — whats new, what’s hot, what’s fresh, what’s not. Your friends are doing their job when you see them running back to table to scream “They just brought out more coconut shrimp!” Also, be sure to designate someone at your table to be The Lookout. They should be seated with a clear view of the buffet and raise alarm whenever they see someone coming from the back with a new steam tray.

5. Big Plates Always. Be watchful of the small salad and dessert plates lurking about. Find your secret stash of full-size dinner plates and use them, know them, love them lots. The big plates will let you spread your meal around, and avoid piling things high, which generally results in meat gravy getting all over your salad.

6. One More Egg Roll. When the check arrives, take your time. Slow it right down now and see who still has room. Since you’ve been so busy scarfing your food and staggering trips, now really is the best chance to catch up with your friends. Then after ten or fifteen minutes, someone will likely cave in and say “Okay, one more egg roll.” This is buffet victory.

With these tips plus your personal experiences, you too can master the art of the all-you-can-eat buffet. After that, there’s really no stopping you. So eat all you can, my friend.

Eat all you can.

AWESOME!

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When it’s late at night on a lonely road and your fuel gauge starts flirting with the Big E, it’s gut check time.

First you enter Fuel Preservation Mode and start accelerating really slowly and coasting nonchalantly through Stop signs to save your precious, remaining fumes. Next maybe you fall into a bit of a Blame Game, wondering why you let yourself get to this terrible place and pledging to never to do it again. After that it’s time for Survival Mode, where you make a mental checklist of all the emergency food and supplies you have in the car, imagining yourself building a Kleenex blanket to keep warm and eating restaurant mints and ketchup packets to survive.

And then finally, when hope is almost lost, with that fuel light burning brightly, that steering wheel gripped tightly, and those hands shaking slightly, you drive up another dark, lonely hill and finally notice some blissful, heaven-sent gas station lights appearing just over the horizon.

AWESOME!

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ALF was a great TV show.

But let’s be honest, you may not want to own the wise-cracking, cat-eating alien’s first three seasons on DVD.

So if you land ALF, or a fondue kit, or a shot glass chess set, or a gelato maker, or a sweater that doesn’t fit you, or the Wheel of Fortune board game, then you may find yourself saying “Oh thank you, it’s just what I always wanted,” when you’re actually thinking “Oh thank you, it’s just what I never wanted.”

That’s why it’s great when you see the gift receipt just laying in the box after you pull out the gift. You avoid the awkward “It’s okay if you don’t like it” (No, no, I do), “I wasn’t sure if it was something you wanted” (No, no, it is), “They have it in black too if you don’t like green” (No, no, I like green), or “I can give you the receipt if you don’t like it” (No, no, I like it) conversations.

Yes, when the gift receipt is already in the box, there are no questions asked, no questions answered. It’s just sitting there, a secret wink, a private head-nod, a quiet understanding between you and the very kind, very generous, very thoughtful person who gave you the present.

AWESOME!

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Jumbo snowflakes falling thick and heavy on Christmas Eve is a special sight. They blur the world for a moment and lay a fresh blank canvas over everything. So if you’re sitting inside listening to carols on the radio, munching Christmas cookies, or chatting with family and friends, take a moment to look out the window and just enjoy the scene.

AWESOME!

 

 

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Snow stepping is when you’re wearing shoes, but the person ahead of you is wearing boots, and while the two of you are trudging through the snow, you just step in all the nice Snow Holes they made for you.

AWESOME!

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Say it’s a cold, bone-shivering night.

Say there’s snow shooting sharp, shooting sideways, shooting into your eyes, and the wind is just howling and twirling into mini-tornadoes, slicing and dicing deep through your coat and into your chest. Your fingers are icicles, your nose a dented, frozen strawberry, and your cheeks look like someone ran them over with a cheese grater a few times.

On nights like this, just face it: you’re an ice-cold mess.

You just need to get home fast and eat some soup.

Yes, you need to stomp your boots, shake the snow off your jacket, let your glasses steam up, and touch-feel your way to the kitchen to heat up a nice hot bowl of steaming, delicious soup. So do it up, heat it up, pour it up, snag those saltines up, and sit right down in front of the TV — flicking it’s flashing lights on in the dark as you curl right up under the blanket with your big bowl of warm love.

And then just slurp away. Yeah, slurp like you mean it. Slurp like there’s no tomorrow. Slurp till you can’t slurp no more. Because we all know that slurping hot soup is one of life’s great pleasures. For a few big reasons:

• Temperature check. That soup’s steaming hot and you’re ice cold. You want the soup to warm you up but now is not the time for First-Degree Tongue Burn, so let those slurps force some cooler air into your mouth to chill the soup out a bit. It’s like cooling beer bottles in the freezer for a few minutes or nuking the cold half of your dinner for ten seconds to heat it back up — just a bit of temperature knob-twiddling to get it jusssssst right.

• Our ancestors did it. What, do you think cavemen sipped their soup politely? No, I bet they slurped it straight from the saber-tooth skull and loved doing it. So I say next time your date pops up from inhaling her steak dinner with sauce on her cheek, meat in her teeth, and some mashed potato in her hair, just flash a big thumbs up sign and start slurping your soup. It’s all about embracing our common roots.

• Get closer. To slurp properly, you may need to hunch right on over the soup bowl. Yes, lean those shoulders forward and let that steam fog up your glasses and thaw your face. You are a few inches closer to being at one with the soup. It’s a Zen moment.

So next time you get home from a long and cold winter walk home, just heat up some soup and start laying down some wet and juicy slurps.

Also works with cocoa.

AWESOME!

 

Photos from: here, here, here, and here

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