Sounds easy enough.

You grab the meat, I’ll grab the veggies, meet you at the front.

But after completing your Mushroom Mission and racing to the checkouts you suddenly find yourself all alone in Lineup Paradise. You can’t hang onto the awkward armload of plastic baggies for long so you trek out on a classic grocery store Hide And Seek Hunt.

Now you’re running around the store peeking your hopeful head down every aisle — hoping to spy your friend agonizing over salsa choices or sampling cold cuts way down the distant lane. You scramble forwards and back again before the big moment finally comes.

It’s your friend way, way down at the other end of the store.

And they’re waving.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

Suddenly your milk gets classy, your orange juice gets refined, and your chocolate milk feels more sophisticated. When you’re a kid you suddenly go from ten years old to thirty and can legally show up at the dinner table with heavily slicked and parted hair, a handkerchief puffing out of your pocket, and cuff links.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

Life begins with climate control.

Since we first hung woolly mammoth furs from forest branches we’ve gotten used to getting comfy when we settle in somewhere. Just look at babies in those curly fetal poses in their flannel onesies, napping in sunhats, shades, and shorts in strollers, or cuddling up to mom in cozy carry-ons.

Folks, it’s like I always say: We can learn much from The Baby.

Digging out your own little wading pool in the sand when you’re at the beach is another beautiful moment of climate control. You strip down because you’re hot, take a dip to cool off, chill out in the sand… and are suddenly hot again. Now it’s time to get digging and fill your in-ground Sand Chair with water to cool off those nether regions so you can relax and have it both ways.

AWESOME!

We all know that slippery wet pile of steaming sauce and steaming cheese doesn’t usually hold together when you jigsaw it out of the pan. Nope, after you yank it out of the burning hot tray the rectangle hole left behind quickly fills up with lasagna swamp water.

Sure, your soaring lasagna piece flies high with elegance and grace until the moment it lands with a sad wet slap on your plate. Limp dark mushrooms slip out of noodle chokeholds and smear and slide across your plate in a slithery mess of mush.

But that’s what makes it so great when your plated piece of lasagna actually stays together. That’s when it’s time to celebrate the saucy noodle integrity of this beautifully delicious dish.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

Ten goods.

That’s a phrase my friends used in high school to express our casual annoyance with minor problems. Extra homework for the weekend? Ten goods. Cafeteria sold out of panzerottis? Ten goods. Tennis ball stuck in the gutter during road hockey? Ten goods.

Now you got it.

Ryan started saying it first and Chad caught on and soon it became one of those made-up phrases we used all the time. It was a secret code, scrambled joke, and private head-nod with its own set of rules on how it was used.

For example! Minor things such as falling off Rainbow Road were shortened to the simple ‘Ten’ with sarcastic eyebrow raise and one-second lip curl. Major things like getting assigned an essay just before the long weekend was met with the long drawl version of ‘Tehhhhhhhhhhhn.’

I’m not saying it made sense but it made sense to us.

Yes, when you hang with a tight pack of peeps long enough it’s amazing how new words start filling the tiny cracks between sounds and sentences. It’s strangely beautiful to see language evolving before your eyes and be part of its creation. Brains suddenly push past booky norms to create clarity in dark vacuums of vagueness.

Just remember — every word we use today came from a group of friends who started using it long ago. So to those long gone packs of chatty teens and wordy queens we say thanks for helping us understand…. everything we’re talking about. And when your group of friends comes up some good ones… make sure you keeping using them and shout ’em out.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here, here, and here

Piling those slow rollers onto your fork and steering them straight into your mouth is Kitchen Table Victory. It requires intense mental focus, steady wristing, and a slow-steering speed.

A little mashed potatoes on the fork also helps.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

I was a cakey mess yesterday.

Before going onstage at The Today Show I was painted up by a friendly makeup artist wielding a messy palette full of assorted bottles and tubes. Clear gels, paintbrushes, and foam triangles came at me in a blurry daze before I teetered back to the leather couch in a blurry haze.

When I looked in the mirror I noticed my shiny forehead, bumpy cheeks, and bright red zits had just … disappeared. Yes, I was in the clear — the proud new owner of a no-money-down-no-interest-till-2012 New Face.

“I could get used to this,” I thought to myself as I blinked and curled my lips into a clown-faced grin. My mind flicked forward to scenes sitting cross-legged atop of mountain of pillows as someone gave me a silky smooth New Face while others tenderly clipped my nails, softly brushed my hair, and gently massaged my pointy hunchback.

Jokes aside, the gang at The Today Show was truly, truly wonderful — supportive, thoughtful, and obviously massive pros. Meredith was a gem onstage. She saw me sweating buckets like a nervous wreck and came over to calm me down before the cameras rolled.

Flash forward a few hours later and I was back in my cramped hotel bathroom wiping soggy tissues down my color-fading cheeks. Pimples came back, mustache hairs said hello, and the forehead bumps got bumpy again. But you know what? The massively refreshing feeling of cool air rushing back to my skin more than made up for looking ugly again.

Ladies, you know what I’m talking about.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here and here

The jig is up.

Nobody knows what the weather’s going to be.

Not your nannie, not your newspaper, and not that guy on TV. So starting today we’re shredding the five-day forecasts, scrapping those swirling charts, and blowing the hot fronts out the window. Because after closer inspection we all sorta know what we shoulda known before: that the weather is what the weather is right outside our front door.

And as for the day — well who’s really to say? Partly cloudy, chance of showers, it could go any which way. So when it comes to what to wear… well it’s up to you, son. You can plan for a bad day or get ready for a good one.

Optimistic Weather Dressers are the folks walking around dressed for better weather than we actually have. “It’s going to clear up,” they seem to say. “Partly sunny, you mean, not the other way.”

Yes, there are all sorts of Optimistic Weather Dressers but let’s chat about three of the most common types:

1. Open Toe Flo. Sandals are mandatory in this woman’s books. Cloudy, windy, chance of rain – whatever you pick she’ll just wear ’em again. She’ll sandal-step over squished worms, salty slush, and mud puddles because her feet will survive the trip, she figures. She is ruled by comfort only.

2. Bare Leg Craig. This is the guy who wears shorts on the first non-freezing day of the Spring. Snow starting to melt? Shorts! First robin sighting? Shorts! Everybody else still in pants? Shorts, shorts, shorts!

3. No Umbrella Sue-Ella. She’s cruising around town on cloudy days wearing sunglasses without a care, concern, or umbrella. Dark days don’t scare her because she knows big drops aren’t a big deal.

Yes, today we salute the Optimistic Weather Dressers of the world. Let your thin T-shirt flap by the windy seashore as you smile and deliver a firm thumbs up to the rest of the world. Today we salute your bare legs, open toes, and optimism, my friends. Today we declare you

AWESOME!

Photos from: here, here, and here

Surprise!

While mindlessly dragging your hand between the couch cushions, sweeping the backyard patio stones, or searching for extra batteries in the junk drawer a tiny foiled egg suddenly appears like a sugary gift from the heavens.

And when you score that surprise chocolate dropping just remember there can be absolutely no stopping before quick-peeling and quick-popping that chocolate straight into your mouth. Time of day, hunger level, age of chocolate — none of this matters. Frankly, if you’re stuffed on breakfast pancakes and the chocolate is powdery white and tastes like foil from two Easters ago… that is victory.

Yes, finding a chocolate egg way after Easter is an eyes-wide moment of taste-based wonder.

Finding a chocolate egg way after Easter is

AWESOME!

Photos from: here and here

Office jobs are tough.

I know we cubicle farmhands aren’t exactly hammering diamonds in dusty mineshafts, landing planes in snowy storms, or performing emergency appendectomies.

But still — what we’re doing is complex mail merges to make envelope labels, compiling meeting minutes, and stapling through very thick piles of paper.

It’s demanding.

As a result, sometimes it’s tough getting through the week. When cloudy mornings, barking bosses, and long meetings got you down it’s time to get smiling with some office treats. Today we say thanks to the guy who brings them in — usually in one of five ways:

Level 1: Email Scrambles. A mass email is sent out reading “If anyone wants leftover brownies come to Sheila’s desk NOW!!!” Be careful because if you’re away from your desk you have to listen for slamming keyboard trays and quietly shuffling gang herds swishing down the hallway. When you spot a sugar rush like this there’s no time to waste — just jump in and get going. Slowing to tip someone off means no brownies for you. (2 points)

Level 2: Treat Fairies. This is the plate of lemon danishes someone leaves on a filing cabinet in the hallway or the box of donuts sitting in the lunchroom from yesterday night. Office raccoons like myself love finding goodies from Treat Fairies but they lose marks for freshness and selection. (5 points)

Level 3: Post Vacation Sugar Nation. Who came back from Japan with a bag of animated cat-themed jellies? Who got home from Switzerland with smooth chocolate loving? And what nut brought that bag of Ketchup chips from Canada? Yes, Post Vacation Sugar Nation help us forgive you for doing all your work for two weeks and they score points for their limited time nature and big surprise factor. Unfortunately, we can’t rank them higher due to the off chance of eating a candy-coated scorpion. (10 points)

Level 4 : Holiday Treatery. It’s all about that random moment near Christmas when cookies suddenly appear everywhere. When the admin’s homemade shortbread dukes it out with the Vice President’s expensive store-bought fudge the big winner is your stomach. See also: Girl Scout Cookie Scattering, Post-Halloween Dump, and After-Easter Eggathon. (15 points)

Level 5: Local Favorites. My friend Kristen works in a cubicle farm in smalltown Wisconsin where the local treat is a pastry called the Kringle. She told me that one guy brings Kringles to the office and everyone gets a special flavor which becomes their identity. She hates it when Banana Nut hogs the photocopier but loves it when Vanilla Cream ends the meeting early. You get the idea. Bringing in personalized local faves is the ultimate in Office Treatery. (20 points)

Yes, there are so many ways to get the treats going and the office flowing for the Friday night Funrise. So today we’re giving handshakes and high fives way up to the high skies for all those noble Cubicle Warriors bringing sugary sweets and tasty treats to pump us up for the weekend.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here, here, here, and here