Get your snack on long.

Get your snack on strong.

Yes, as your movie-watching group melts into the couch for some lazy, late night, limbs everywhere screen time, there’s nothing finer than pouring Pepsis and passing around potato chips, cheesy puffs, and crisp-cracking nacho snacks.

People, life’s too short not too snack when we feel like it so keep snacking till you’re lying around with slow smiles, big crumbs on your shirt, and bright red fingers painted with barbecue hues, MSG marks, and Dorito dyes.

When you reach Total Snack Nirvana you’re loving the moment, but you’re sadly stuck with pasty mortar on your fingers that needs cleaning before getting red skid marks on the carpet, couch, or cat.

You know what to do.

Take a deep breath and slide those dayglow orange digits into your mouth to slowly savor the sweet salty encore of the snack you just scarfed down. Sure, sure, the curtain has dropped on those bowls of salty pleasure, but you stood whistling shouting ‘Bravo!’ long enough for it to come back for one final fleeting performance.

AWESOME!

The Book of Awesome is coming out in the UK, Australia, New Zealand, Korea, Holland, France, and Germany. Dates TBD and will be announced here.

Photos from: here, here, and here

Congratulations on reaching Total Shoe Actualization.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

It’s like a mirage.

You see that distant Do Nothing day coming up on the horizon of your kitchen calendar. You stare at its white squarey blankess beckoning you closer and closer and closer. Time moves forward, days march on, and still nothing gets planned on that beautifully perfect patch of nothingness. No homework, no dinner dates, no sports practices, no visiting mates. It’s just you and you sharing a nice peaceful moment of alone time.

When you’re lucky enough to score a Do Nothing day, do yourself a favor and do nothing. Give your brain a break and slip into easy bliss of lying in crumpled sheets, taking a long bath, and ordering out for dinner. Ditch the guilt while you swing in a hammock, cuddle with your cat, or curl up on the couch in front of the TV.

Once in a while it’s good to enjoy a completely unproductive daydreamy day with a slow smile and no worries.

You earned it.

AWESOME!

You don’t want to sit next to me on an airplane.

Chances are good I’ll start drooling on your shoulder, accidentally crank your headset volume, or chat your ear off with boring anecdotes while you attempt to stare dreamily at cloudscapes out the window. Yes, you’ll politely nod and smile while I go on for half an hour about my terrible cell phone plan or the bloating I’ve been feeling lately. Honestly, if you end up sitting beside me on a plane I’ve got just one thing to say to you: Sorry.

Nobody can Party Save you now.

Now, I’ve only seen one successful strategy for avoiding the torture that is My Company. I took a flight recently where the woman next to me cocooned herself into a sensory deprivation chamber of headphones, blankets, and earplugs as soon as we sat down. She no doubt sensed my impending chat attack and defended against it immediately, even elbow-snagging the armrest for good measure.

Since the two of us happened to be sitting in the Emergency Exit row, I therefore became solely responsible for busting the door open if our plane crash landed. Yes, the flight attendant coached me on emergency moves and I nodded with steely eyes and firm lips while Snoozy Samantha snored on beside me.

After the plane took off I sat back in my chair feeling like the hero of the flight. After all, it could all come down to me. Sure, the harsh, unforgiving Andes might crunch our plane but they would never crunch my spirit.

As modest payment for accepting this critical role I scored some extra legroom to stretch out and relax. While everyone else had their knees in their laps, I was free to leg around freely, keeping my muscles warm and ready in case the going got tough.

Now, as if all that wasn’t good enough — the hero status, the legroom, the babes – there’s also one more big perk emergency exit row folks get for sitting there. They get out first.

Yes, when the inflatable slide pops open into the river or the flashing red lights shine a smoky path into the fiery forest, we are the Emergency Exit door kicker-openers …  running out first … leading the way … and saving the day.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here, here, and here

It’s time to get down with the get down…

At the movies! Your arms bearhug fat tubs of popcorn and slippery jumbo drinks as you blindly stumble down the dark aisle. You scan the chattery crowd dotting the red plushy tundra before noticing your friend thirty rows up giving you the two armed wave.

At the school assembly! You’re separated from your fourth grade soulmate and only see each other while double-dutching by the portables at recess. But then come student council speeches, music recitals, or a Thanksgiving play and suddenly your hearts spark again at the back of the bleachers.

At the concert! Boots up, you’re bumpily crowdsurfing at the front of the mosh pit. After you crash land on your neck in a dirty puddle of warm beer, your friend yanks you up by the wrist and squeezes you beside her right in front of the stage.

At the rocket ship before blastoff! You slept in and got stuck in highway traffic so now you’re chomping on a fistful of ice cream pellets while Velcroing your aluminum-foil-and-fishbowl getup together in the car. You arrive at the launchpad and race down the thin metal bridges into the ship as the engines fire up… and there’s Cindy! With a windbreaker lying on the window seat beside her.

Yes, when you spot a friend snagging you a prime seat it’s good times, it’s good times. After all, they’re expressing your friendship to the world by deciding twenty minutes of stinkeye is worth making sure you sit together. Now you get to chat, laugh, and love those good times with a close friend.

Buddy, I don’t know what you call that if you don’t call that

AWESOME!

Photos from: here, here, and here

Thank you for calling.

We are experiencing lower than normal call volumes.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

Brother, my closet is stuffed as a scarecrow.

See, I’ve got too many clothes because I keep all my old faves from years gone by. My drawers are packed with tattered jerseys, fraying undies,  and lonely socks praying for their partners to please come home. On top of all that, I’ve got dusty gems I can’t bear to toss — like a shirt I got for being Paperboy of the Month twenty years ago and one my friends made to celebrate a massive TV-watching marathon. Go Team Couch Potato.

Now, despite the junky Grandma’s basement nature of my closet I do sometimes throw on hip waders and slip into the deep to try and fish things outta there. Usually I end up tossing an old pair of crap job shoes and a Genera Hypercolor T-shirt before it eventually happens: I pull out a faded pair of jeans from long, long ago.

My rusty brain suddenly flashes back to Saturday afternoons in the fitting room, the nervous first wash, and all those years this pair was #1 in my rotation. I hold it’s aging smooth-patches-and-lintballs body in my hands and suddenly decide to see if I can slip back into its cozy comfort.

As I close my door, shut my blinds, and yank that second skin up onto my plump, doughy ass I fondly remember rainy concerts, awkward makeout sessions, and dark summer nights in the park. I walk around the room and feel those shredded hems, smooth inside pockets, and all the old creases bending in just the right places.

I feel like I’m warmly welcoming an old friend back into my life.

I feel like I’m finally home.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here and here

Swipe your dripping paws on those handy leg towels and let’s get back to business, baby.

AWESOME!

Couch potatoes of the world, hear my call.

We all know it’s great capping off three crumb-covered hours on the sofa by watching the highlights of the game you just watched. Yes, you lasted through all the timeouts, challenges, and pitching changes, so now’s your chance to relive that Sunday afternoon investment with a quick-clicking slideshow of the best parts.

Also, it’s fun comparing your Sportswatching Skills against the network to see who’s better. Did they show that blown call? Or that big save? What about the funny sign from the crowd? Chalk one up for potato if they missed something big.

Now, the greatest move is when you see the game live and then watch the highlights as soon as you get home. You’ve got a whole new camera angle and can even put both hands on the TV like a kitten to try and find yourself cheering in the crowd.

Yes, you came, you watched, and you saw the highlights.

Nobody can take that away from you.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here