Munch lunch at a Chinese restaurant, brunch at a Holiday Inn, or dinner at a wedding reception, and chances are good you will come face to face with the The All-You-Can-Eat Buffet.
If you’re a Buffet Amateur like me, your pupils dilate and your mouth starts watering as soon as you spot the long table full of steam trays and criss-crossed table cloths. Soon it’s game on, and you grab a plate and pile it high with some bread, a few salads, and a couple rolled-up salamis or a bowl of Won Ton soup. For plate number two you tackle the entrees, scooping up sticky heaps of Kung Pao chicken, soggy French Toast, or paper-thin slices of roast beef soaking in dark mushroom gravy. Then you go back for a third plate, this one featuring a tipsy mountain of desserts — maybe some assorted squares, a thick, gummy slice of cheesecake, or some fluorescent pink, freezer-burned ice cream sliding around your plate.
Then as you lay bloated on your chair, your buttons bursting, your eyelids drooping, you face a final decision: Do you go back for The Fourth Plate?
The Fourth Plate is almost always a good idea before you do it and a bad idea afterwards. It’s the helping after the helping after. It’s the Greatest Hits Plate, a star-studded collection featuring the most popular items from Plate 1, 2, and 3, coming together for the reunion tour, the last hurrah, the final dance at the dinner table.
The Fourth Plate is also a famous mark of a Buffet Amateur, because it can be the sign of someone who realizes that Plate 2 was the best plate and they really just want more of Plate 2. For years, I scarfed down The Fourth Plate at the Indian buffet near my college. Buttery, pillowy-soft naans piled high, thick and creamy Butter Chicken, and spicy, simmering lamb in a hearty broth. It was just too much. I caved in every time and walked away with a curry-busting gut and a samosa hangover.
Since then I’ve been tutored on the art of mastering the all-you-can-eat buffet. Everybody’s got their own techniques, but here’s what I’ve learned over the years:
1. The Walk-Through. Don’t do what I used to do and blindly take a spoonful of everything. No, you’ve got to do your Walk-Through First. You’re a detective, popping open steam tray after steam tray, looking for recent fill-ups, traffic around popular items, and sure winners like omelet stations or a guy in a chef’s hat slicing big slabs of meat. Now’s also time for some Belly Space Analysis, where every item’s Tasty Deliciousness is weighed against it’s Projected Stomach Volume. Bread, soup, and salad rarely pass the Belly Space Analysis test. Skipping those means you just gained an extra plate and are on your way.
2. Drink Later. Sugary drinks just fill you up with carbs and cost extra. If you can postpone your Pepsi, then you’ll save belly space for the hot goods.
3. The Sampler. My dad is famous for the sampler plate. Within minutes of arriving he’ll dot a big white plate with small portions of every entree and proceed to say “Hmmm,” a lot while scooping up tiny forkfuls of each to see what will make the cut. You have to have willpower to pull off The Sampler, but it can be very rewarding. You know you aced it when your next plate is just piles of your two favorites. Good on ya.
4. Staggered Trips. If you’re with friends, don’t wait until everybody is done their first plate before uniformly filing up for a second trip together. No, go separately and act as each others eyes and ears out there — whats new, what’s hot, what’s fresh, what’s not. Your friends are doing their job when you see them running back to table to scream “They just brought out more coconut shrimp!” Also, be sure to designate someone at your table to be The Lookout. They should be seated with a clear view of the buffet and raise alarm whenever they see someone coming from the back with a new steam tray.
5. Big Plates Always. Be watchful of the small salad and dessert plates lurking about. Find your secret stash of full-size dinner plates and use them, know them, love them lots. The big plates will let you spread your meal around, and avoid piling things high, which generally results in meat gravy getting all over your salad.
6. One More Egg Roll. When the check arrives, take your time. Slow it right down now and see who still has room. Since you’ve been so busy scarfing your food and staggering trips, now really is the best chance to catch up with your friends. Then after ten or fifteen minutes, someone will likely cave in and say “Okay, one more egg roll.” This is buffet victory.
With these tips plus your personal experiences, you too can master the art of the all-you-can-eat buffet. After that, there’s really no stopping you. So eat all you can, my friend.
Eat all you can.
AWESOME!
I’ve never seen such a detailed plan for ‘attacking’ the buffet. This was a pleasure to read! Also, I realize that I often fall into the amateur trap on many occasions. It’s great that I now have this tactical schematic for approaching the buffet with academic-like aptitude. :-P
With Love and Gratitude,
Jeremiah
Brilliant observations and advice. I especially like your Dad’s idea, taste testing first. Did he learn this by any chance, by way of his first buffet experience? He is so smart!!! And the fact none of those foods are touching eachother on his plate”, makes it even more awesome.
My favorite is the Asian Garden in our town, where everything is “home-made” with love, served with the best smiles, from genuine kind and grateful hearts. They let you know how happy you’ve attended in every way they can. You can taste this is all their food! But my favs are Pakora, Butter chicken and Samosa, more pakora. I so wish in these times I had a bigger stomach! Also serve home-made desserts and home-made CHAI TEA!
It’s a divine experience, like this site+D
That’s the tunnel of love for buffet dwellers. Awesome!
Oh by the way, after reading this today, we just had to eat at the Asian Garden tonight. Told owner Ron and his mom everything there is to know about you Neil, (well, almost everything that I know to be true), and I’m sure they’ll be “visiting” here very soon=)
I must go rest my beautifully bloated belly now.
Bless you Ron and “Mum”~Bless you Neil Pasricha!
Breakfast Buffets are the real deal…where else is it OK
you got it down
communism!
Hey,
this was a brilliant post . I visit buffet regularly and would happy to use this tricks. :)
Still my favorite Neil :)
Hi there! I could have sworn I’ve visited this website before but after looking at many of the articles I realized it’s new to me. Nonetheless, I’m definitely happy I came across it and I’ll be bookmarking it and checking back regularly!
My sister and i have both been kicked out of asian buffets numerous times. I even wear the same hat when i go in so they know its me. They usually bring the check after the third plate. After the 5th, they come to your table alot and just but you. 7th plate, they try asking if you enjoyed the meal. “Oh i’m far from done” i say. After saying that, they quickly run to the back and disappear through the door. The 9th and 10th plates are fun, because they poke their heads through the back door and watch you eat while giving you dirty looks. I try getting to number 11, but the owner doesnt let me at it. I’m usually told to leave. One place i used to frequent chases me out the door whenever i try eating there. “No! No! No! You no come back!” lmao i love it
i wish i could urinate like a garden sprinkler all over AYCE buffets.. then they taste my piss and say wow you are like ……
:) great strategy… however here is a reason to keep away from buffets http://acollectionofmusings.wordpress.com/2013/04/20/buffet-noun-a-spread-that-spreads-germs/
In my honest oppinion, your post provides the viewers with all they want.
This is one of the best food blogs i’ve ever read! I personally enjoy eating a chinese buffets, and I myself do the exact same steps you’ve outlined in the blog.
Large helpings of food are always taken every trip i make to the buffet, and planning out how to organize what you should eat and when is a very important aspect of mastering the art of the buffet! I’ll be sure to follow all of your steps next time i’m out at a buffet.
Great read overall! I’ll be sure to check out the other posts in 1000 awesome things.
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When i was kid ( I do it even now as a 21 year old), whenever i am at a party or a reception i first make a quick survey of the entire arrangement, pick my top 5 dishes that i want to try and rush around the banquet a plate in my hand trying and tasting the food. I do this because i always feel that if i dont eat everything once then it will get finished and i will miss out on stuff, and have guilt of not having enough chicken or tiramisu or even enough coke.
So i dont care what the occasion is, where there is food, you will find me there.