#978 Putting the toppings on a hot dog bun before the hot dog

Neil Pasricha

Slide that beef tube right on down

Toronto is home to some of the best hot dog street vendors in the world. Street meat, we call it proudly, waiting in lines to get char-grilled, crisp-on-the-outside, soft-on-the-inside, big, brown beautiful hot dogs. The dogs usually come set perfectly in a puffy, yellow bun, like a smiling child tucked tightly into bed. Yes, it’s a glowing little beef-tube of heaven, a spicy little meat-wand of joy, the perfect company for a movie or a long walk home after the bars.

Now, despite the powerful taste-punch to the mouth the street vendor hot dog delivers, I’m sorry to say there is just one little problem: my friend, there is spillage, and plenty of it. Hot dog vendors pride themselves on their never ending array of toppings, from spicy mustard to onions, pickles to olives, sauerkraut to banana peppers. It’s a delicious den of germs just sitting out on the street in little glass jars, protected from gas fumes, building exhausts, and pigeon crap by nothing more than a large umbrella.

Now, like most people, I love hot dog toppings. But you and me, together we face a common problem: trying to balance piles of wet toppings on top of a round, slippery wiener. It ain’t easy, homes. Usually the relish slips off first, and you get those artistic looking ketchup and mayo swirls dripping onto your pants. Worst-case scenario you get a rogue pickle coated in mustard leaving a big yellow skid mark right on the belly of your T-shirt. The ladies sure love those.

I laugh, but folks: this is a serious problem.

Thankfully though, there is a solution: Yes, I’m talking about The Toppings-First Method. That’s right, believe it. Now here’s how it all goes down:

  1. First, ask for your bun while the hot dog is still cooking. “Mind if I get the bun first?” There, just like that. Most vendors will just hand it over, so now you’re holding a big empty hot dog bun in your hand. Everyone with me so far?
  2. Next is the very important bedding step. I cannot overemphasize the importance of this step. You can’t just lay your wet condiments down in the crack of the bun and expect the integrity of the bun to hold up. That would be ridiculous. No, you need to lay down a layer of condiment bedding first that gently cradles the wet toppings while preventing them from soaking through. Your ideal choices here are diced onions, pickles, or even lettuce if you have to.
  3. Okay, now… load that bun up like there’s no tomorrow! Just keep piling the wet toppings in there! Deep red river of ketchup, bright yellow pools of mustard, generous spoonfuls of relish. Load it up. Believe me, the dog will still fit.
  4. Finally, dog up! Rest that beautiful Fat Jim right down on your sugary bed of condiments. It may lay a bit high on the bun, but don’t you worry. Everything will still fit. Now the hot dog serves as shield and a guide, protecting your pants while escorting the delicious condiments into your hungry stomach below.

This is a magical technique I first learned from my friend Chad. He has perfected it to a science, where he has a very specific condiment architecture involving categorizing condiments into “wet”, “gritty”, and “cheese.” He can talk for five minutes about how relish is the most underrated topping or how proper cheese placement is key to fine melting. The point is that there are more advanced versions of this technique, but you really need to master the basics first. Sure, I’ve given you a guide. But only you can do the rest.

AWESOME!

Good luck.

Hey!

Let’s have some fun this week!

Want to win a free copy of The 2013 Calendar of Awesome?

Just submit an awesome thing in a comment below and one random winner will be picked at the end of the week. You can submit as many awesome things as you like! Just make sure you enter your real email address so we have a way of contacting you if you win!

Good luck!

Neil

p.s. If you order The 2013 Calendar of Awesome directly from the publisher here, you can type in ‘Awesome’ (without the quotes) at the checkout to get 25% off! Also available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble…

217 thoughts to “#978 Putting the toppings on a hot dog bun before the hot dog”

  1. Songs that stick with you forever. I’m sure someone could start singing a Barney song from my childhood… and I’d be able to sing along with them! AWESOME :)

  2. One of my favorite awesome things is finishing a project (usually for me it’s a cross stitch or some such thing) and knowing that no one will ever, ever have one the exact same.

    Another is when, after marathoning to get caught up on a tv show, you watch your first new episode as it airs.

    1. I ran that marathon with 1000 Awesome Things!! My first new episode was Edible Dishes :P

  3. Winging it and pulling it off. Improvisation is not always my thing. So when I present something with absolutely no preparation and pull it off, inside, I get that amazing feeling of AWESOME!!!

    1. I’ve got winging it on my list!! Although I think it’s just awesome if you wing something in general, whether or not you pull it off. Provided you don’t care, of course. I have not studied for many tests and MOST of them I still get alright marks on. I winged one Chem test that I hadn’t done the investigation for but I didn’t really care that I almost failed :P But I did all of 2 hours study the night before my Human Biol mid-year exam this year and got 82%!! So I would say that was a big success :D

  4. Using all your change on a purchase. Rare, but when it happens… truly AWESOME :)

  7. Friends that stand by you even when you are being a jerk. :) They are the most awesome of people, and deserve to be treated awesomely.

  11. Watching a baby smile while sleeping…and trying to think of what he/she may be dreaming of…
    I’ve been doing that everyday with ny now three week old baby…and its AWESOME!

  12. Getting out of a meeting or appointment earlier than expected and having the rest of the day free…AWESOME!

  13. Looking over at the exact moment your toddler falls asleep after they insist they aren’t tired :)

  14. Singing and dancing to action songs you learned as a kid. Entirely awesome! And fun, too! =D

  17. getting to be the passenger along a route you normally drive and getting to notice a bunch of stuff you don’t usually get to see as a driver

  30. When that awesome book you’ve been forever waiting for finally comes in at the library for you!

  36. Sunrises are pretty awesome.
    All that promise of a new day where anything can happen!

  42. Waking up on a cool summer morning and snuggling up with the love of your life! Bonus awesome for cool cotton sheets & sleeping al fresco!

  43. Getting a good grade on something you forgot to study for!
    Or forgetting a deadline and then having it extended!

  46. When someone takes your picture and instead of counting, “1, 2, 3…” says ANYthing else like, “It’ s happening!!!…”

  47. You’re having a crappy year, nothing is going right, but then out of the blue the phone rings, and it’s an old friend you’ve not heard from in a while. They say, “Hi, sorry I haven’t called, I’ve thought of you often and miss you like crazy, tell me everything that’s going on in your life” , that’s AWESOME!!!

Comments are closed.