After playing, playing, playing, you finally hear the car pull into the driveway, the boots clomp up the steps, and the key sliding into the front door.
Time to drop what you’re doing and run full throttle down the hallway for a big welcome back celebration.
AWESOME!
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Dig deep, baby.
When the weather warms up and the snow melts down, it’s time to pull out that thin dusty jacket from the back of the closet and toss it back on.
Now, just make sure you stuff your hands deep in those pockets and see if you can’t score some buried treasure that’s been held there safely all winter long:
1. Your favorite lip balm. You thought she was lost so you bought some cheap imposters from the drug store to tide you over. But now that greasy beauty’s back in business, baby — faded packaging, slippery tube, linty plastic cap and all.
2. A pack of gum with only one piece left. The top is probably folded down and creased over that one remaining rock-hard rectangle. You can give it to a friend or enjoy the minty molar-shattering experience yourself.
3. A Good Times receipt. This is an old crinkly receipt from a great night out a long time ago. Maybe it’s a birthday dinner, a grad party, or a wild girl’s night out on the town. When you stare back at that distant receipt and slowly remember where it’s from, you’ll eventually end up smiling at the memories. Good times.
4. That one really good pen. That smooth flowing ball point never gets lost. No, it just goes on long vacations to your jacket pockets, pencil cases, or board game boxes.
5. A contact lens still in its packaging. Say goodbye to your blurry winter.
6. Green, shrunken orange. The bad part is you can no longer eat the orange. The good part is you get to smell like musty citrus for a couple days.
7. Travel pack of tissues. Sometimes if those small packs have been sitting for a while all the lint molecules try to escape from their plastic prison. When you zip open your pocket you catch them coating your liner in the middle of their slow and methodical jailbreak.
8. Random phone numbers. Sometimes I pull out a piece of scrap paper and there’s just a phone number on it with no name, no context, no nothing. I silently curse my lazy former self and spend a minute debating whether or not I should just dial it up to solve the mystery.
So come on, now — finding buried treasures deep in those jacket pocket caves is a bit like Christmas in the Spring. Yes, you score some tiny little presents from your past as you start a fresh new season with big beaming smiles and heartwarming reunions with some dear old friends.
AWESOME!
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It’s a bad scene.
Alarm bells buzz when the clock clicks six and I become a barely blinking lump of groggy stretching noises that sound like Chewbacca after he’s been shot. Honestly, it’s a pathetic scene — me lying there with drool stains on my cheeks, deathbags under my eyes, and some bent and jagged bedhead.
Eventually I stumble into the shower and feel my eyes burning and begging to return to the cool and shady Cave of Closure. But I soldier on, shower on, soap on, and slowly let that hot steam wake me up.
Sometimes I just can’t let go.
No, sometimes I enter a little steam dream in the shower and end up slowing down and thinking to myself: This is good.
This is really good.
This should not stop.
Yes, in this magic mist of steamy smiles my brain quickly flips into Nothing Else Matters Mode, where all other thoughts just wash away in favor of showering a little longer and living for the day.
Hitting that moment in the shower where you decide to make it a really long shower is a great feeling. As the hot water beats down into your swirly, steamy headtrip, you get to relax and enjoy a few extra minutes of
AWESOME!
It all starts with the permission slip.
Yes, when teachers send them home before the bell rings so parents can rubber stamp the bumpy yellow bus trip to the museum, then it’s on, my friends, it’s on.
Soon the days count down and the buzz builds up as the class gets ready for the day away from school. The middle-ages unit wraps up at Medieval Times, paintings are handed in before the art gallery, and everyone mails a friend a letter before the tour of the post office.
On the morning of the big day you wake up with some extra pep in your step because you know we’re all going far away. It’s time to skip the portables, soggy sandwiches, and long afternoons with the Spanish teacher.
It’s time to do something different.
It’s time … to go for a ride.
Yes, whether it’s the petting zoo, chocolate factory, or a long hike in the woods, it’s time to enjoy the school vacation with some of the following perks:
1. Subs in the house. Taking thirty screaming seven-year-olds to the planetarium is a bit much, so most teachers call in backups in the form of parent chaperones. These subs act like a sweet and sweatered army of substitutes and don’t know enough names or have enough power to mess up the fun. Of course, that’s assuming they’re not your mom or dad. If that happens, your day is done.
2. Wheels on the bus. They go round and round on the way there and back. Yeah, we all gang rush into the slippery seatbelt-free seats and enjoy a loud, laughing party on wheels. There are loud screechy songs, secret makeout sessions, and some friendly gestures at passing motorists. This is also when the classroom’s social structure is on display too — from the cool kids at the back to the nerds sitting with the teacher up front. I really did love sitting up front though. I mean, how about that view?
3. Sealing it in. A friend and I were strolling quickly through an art gallery a couple years back when we stumbled on a group of kindergartners holding a rope and looking at splotchy art paintings. I’ll never remember the jaw-dropping look of pure head-tilting amazement from the little boy at the end of the group — eyes twinkling, mittens hanging out his winter coat, and his whirring brain soaking and swallowing up something beautiful on the wall. And it’s true: field trips often help seal in the learning. Chalk one up for school.
So… let’s enjoy the memories, let’s enjoy the moments, and let’s enjoy the parking lot speed bumps. Yes, let’s all love those special days when dusty chalkboards fade away and buses wheel us down the freeway, far away, far away, far away.
AWESOME!
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My friend Peter has a theory.
We were aimlessly chitter-chatting the other day when he mentioned he only does housework when his girlfriend isn’t home. I thought it was a bit strange but Peter patiently broke it down for me in three big points:
1. Hugs and kisses. When his girlfriend shows up after a long day with her bangs sweat-glued to her forehead, she’s not always in a great mood. But when she notices the all rock-hard tomato stains scraped off the stovetop and the telltale blue-tinged hint of fresh toilet bowl, her mood cheers right up and Peter scores some love.
2. Ditch the guilt. Then there’s the big problem with cleaning up when your roommate, boyfriend, or wife is lying on the couch. While you’re straightening magazines and vacuuming in front of them, they feel guilty for chilling out. Forget the hugs — this time you’re scoring a big sigh, some lazy stinkeye, and a half-assed helper.
3. Mr. Perfect sightings. Okay, my place is a mess. Sometimes I fall asleep on dirty clothes, use my dryer as a dresser, and end up with rock-hard macaroni-and-cheese dishes in the sink for weeks. Peter’s not as bad as me but he’s no Mr. Perfect, either. But see, that’s just it — the beauty of his plan is that he gives his girlfriend a chance to daydream about her boyfriend cleaning all day. Sure, the truth is that he was probably stuck in Tube World in Super Mario 3 for most of the afternoon, but that clean countertop, spotless mirror, and fresh vaccuum streaks on the rug give her hope.
Showing up after a long day to a freshly cleaned place is such a great feeling. Toilet paper has replaced the Kleenex in the bathroom and the rat-sized dust balls hanging out behind the TV have been whisked away. Now you get to enjoy an evening with someone you love in a sparkly new joint.
So three cheers for organized shoes, three cheers for empty sinks, and three cheers for your place looking a lot less dumpy. Yes, if you feel this buzz you’re living with someone special. So make sure you give them some hugs and kisses.
Or, if they’re out right now, maybe go make the bed.
AWESOME!
Plants convert sunlight and carbon dioxide into oxygen which allows us to live.
AWESOME!
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We’ve all been there.
Sometimes good friends draft the first season of your favorite DVD or stuff your tattered paperback in their saggy backpack before heading into the trenches. When you say goodbye that night you smile strongly and act brave but there are hot salty tears in your eyes.
Because you never know.
In the first few months Season 1 of ALF is serving the nation you think about him constantly and try to make sure he’s safe. You casually ask about him at parties or dream up plans to steal him back from your friend’s cold, dark basement.
Sadly, despite your best efforts, eventually the gappy bookshelves and empty jewel cases at home get dusty and memories get lost in the swirling swallows of time. It’s a funny thing but I suppose after enough calendar flips and changing seasons your thoughts just slowly fade away.
Maybe one year you upgrade your DVDs, stash your CD collection in the attic, or move apartments and put all your books in storage. Maybe one year you eventually just … forget.
It’s sad but it’s true.
Flash forward a few years later and you’re quietly making grilled cheeses for the kids on a sunny afternoon. Dogs bark in the backyard and kids play in the street when suddenly the doorbell rings. You’re not expecting anyone so you wipe your wet hands on your thin flowery apron and swipe your bangs behind your ear while rushing to the door.
You swing it open and as sun splashes into the house your eyes pop wide and your jaw drops open like a mailbox. You can hardly believe it! It’s your old book, slightly tattered, slightly battered, but finally home. Tears well in your eyes, a lump forms in your throat, and you pick it up and hug it like no time has passed at all.
Sure, your life had moved on, your kids had grown older, and all the framed photos on the fireplace mantle were slowly replaced. But although your mind moved on your heart just never ever forgot.
So even though it took forever today we say thanks, old friend. For finally bringing it all home.
AWESOME!
It’s a rare treat.
Maybe it’s that lazy Sunday with a hot coffee, fat paper, and dusty sunlight beaming through the windows. Or maybe it’s the Friday sick day where you leave the glasses on, tie the ponytail up, and lounge around in a robe watching soaps with the cat. Or maybe it’s Mother’s Day after breakfast cuddling up with the kids watching movies before ordering pizza for dinner.
Sure, sometimes you wake up without firm plans to stay in your pajamas all day. Maybe you have some errands, a lunch date, or a grocery list. But sometimes those plans hit the ground and you pass The Pajama Point Of No Return — that moment where you suddenly realize you’re too close to bedtime to worry about getting ready for the day.
Yes, once in a while, once in a moment, maybe just once a year, it’s fun to have a super chilled-out lazy You Day full of peaceful relaxing in some warm and comfy clothes.
AWESOME!
Just look at us.
We blast rocketships into outer space, talk to people across the planet in seconds, and swallow little pills to take away our headaches.
Yet despite these giant leaps forward one thing’s still pretty primal around the world. Ladies, it ain’t pretty, but most guys unzip and drip into a dirty wall toilet while standing next to a bunch of other dudes.
Thankfully there’s some unspoken urinal etiquette to help answer the call of nature with class:
1. Respect The Buffer. The goal is to leave as much space as possible between yourself and fellow urinators. Take the corners first, take the middle last, and when it’s tight out there use the stall or come back later. Elbow contact should be avoided at all costs.
2. High Shhh Alert. Talking is frowned upon especially in the mall, workplace, or everywhere. This ain’t no coffee shop, people. Save that for the sinks.
3. Temporary Food Ban. There’s something wrong with the guy who leaves a sloshy bottle of beer or a half-unwrapped cheeseburger on top of the urinal while he takes care of business. The mental combination of food plus bathroom is far too intense and must be avoided at all costs.
4. Fart ’em if you got ’em. I think we know why.
5. No middles, no problem. Picking the middle from an empty bank of three urinals is considered a cardinal sin of the highest order. This terrible offense upsets the natural order of the men’s room.
6. My, What a Nice Wall. Eye contact is forbidden so keep staring down that brick wall in front of you. If there’s a poster hanging above the urinal, it’s guaranteed that every word will be read at least three times. Some people may even choose their urinal based on how good the poster looks. This is allowed assuming all other rules are followed first.
Phew!
Okay ladies, thanks for putting up with us here. Yes, the men’s room is a nasty, dirty, filthy world. It ain’t pretty and it never will be. But it’s part of our daily lives so let’s all help keep it classy and keep it clean by respecting the codes, respecting the creed, and always observing proper urinal etiquette.
AWESOME!
Check out reviews for The Book of Awesome. Have a great weekend, everybody.
