Category: Awesome Things

I used to be The Wolf Man.

At least, that’s what a big guy named Fletch used to call me in tenth grade homeroom. He said it with a hearty, bug-eyed giggle while pinching and tugging the soft patches of thin, black hair extending from my ears to my collar bones.

Now, I wasn’t just born The Wolf Man. No, I had to create the identity by first building up the guts to trim my thin, soft mustache and sideburns for the first time. That first shave was a nerve-wracking ordeal, with a fresh razor, a steamy mirror, too much lather, and too much blood.

And I guess being around fifteen years old and new to this whole slicing the hair off your face with a knife thing, I didn’t realize that you were supposed to get the whole neck area, too. So I didn’t get the neck area. I completely missed the neck area. So for a good couple of weeks, I walked around high school with a smooth, freshly shorn face, and an untamed, hairy neck area.

Ar-ar-aroooooooo!

But you know, looking back, I really do miss it. I certainly couldn’t pull off the Gratuitously Hairy Neck look these days, unless I wanted to leave Cubicle City to become a mountain guide, longshore fisherman, or professional scarf warmer-upper.

And it’s not just the Hairy Neck look that deserves mention. There are so many other classic facial hair experiments:

6. Mutton Chops. Although it seems obvious, mutton chops are so named because they look just like big lamb chops. The thicker, the hairier, the better, as you can tell from the photo of famous 19th century Norwegian playright Henrik Ibsen. His closest rival for the Muttonchop Crown was probably Elvis, but really it couldn’t have been that close. I mean, just look at those beautifully shaggy chops.

5. The Chin Strap. This chin strip is the result of a deep study in the art of making perfect lines with a sharp razor. It shows form, style, and patience, because nobody can really nail it without messing it up a few times first and shaving the whole thing off in frustration.

4. Weird beards. Ever seen someone who couldn’t grow a beard grow a beard anyway? And it sort of looks like a splotchy brown mess of assorted band aids and bread crumbs? Yeah, that’s a weird beard. Most guys have a few secret weird beards buried deep in their past.

3. Soul Patches. Apparently, the soul patch became popular with jazz trumpeters in the 50s and 60s because it provided a nice, comfortable place to rest their trumpet. Yeah, for real.

2. Handle Bar Stache. Also known as The Hulk Hogan or the Fu Man Chu, this classic moustache just screams business. You can’t have a Fu Man Chu and be a local politician, elementary school teacher, or birthday party clown. No, you have to either be a bartender at a dive bar, a cowboy, or in college.

1. Too Much Time On Your Hands. This is any intricate and detailed facial hair involving lightning bolts or abstract images that look like they’re from Spirograph.

So yeah, I miss that youthful freedom of bizarre, anything goes facial hair. Because there’s something liberating, creatively satisfying, and fiercely expressive about experimenting with a dull razor in a steamy bathroom mirror.

And remember: no matter how crooked your chin strap, how tiny your mutton chops, or how splotchy your weird beard, whatever facial experiment you’ve got going on is always just a little bit

AWESOME!

 

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It just feels like freedom.

AWESOME!

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The worst lineups of all time include:

• Airport security. Plastic bins, loafers, keychains, and laptop computers fly in all directions in the maddening chaos of the airport security lineup. People are getting the beepdown and guards are tearing through suitcases looking for Terrorism, while folks jostle about awkwardly, emptying and refilling pockets, the whole place smelling like sweaty feet.

• The bank at lunchtime on Friday. Hey, even if you’re just trying to get at the ATM, chances are good you’ll get stuck behind someone making four or five deposits.

• Wherever you get your driver’s license renewed. Toss some mugshot photos and a few eye exams in the mix and that lineup will just wrap around and around and around all day.

• The bathrooms just after a movie lets out. How bad does it feel when the lineup is long enough that it reaches right up to the inside of the bathroom door but no further? And you’re the person who opens the door to find a bunch of fidgety folks wedged in that little Bathroom Lobby with their arms crossed and their faces all scrunched up. It’s just a sardine tin of quiet, anxious, heavy-bladdered folks, man. Not a great scene.

• Post-Christmas Returns line. This one is the worst of all. Honestly, you may as well just keep that novelty wine bottle opener and ice cream maker at this point. Just give up, go home, and drown your sorrows in a big bottle of Merlot and a bowl full of warm, runny ice cream.

So yeah, there sure are some terrible lines out there. Sometimes you beat them, sometimes they beat you, but one thing’s for sure — it’s a great feeling when you enter one of those classically long and winding lineups just before it gets long and winding.

Yes, when you’re first through the maze of velvet ropes, when you grab the empty handicapped stall in the corner, when you get the new line at the DMV with the lady who just came off her break, well — doesn’t it sort of feel like you bucked the system or solved a mysterious riddle of life?

That’s when you can hardly believe your luck. You look back at the poor souls waiting and you just smile sadly, because you know you’ve been there before and you know you’ll be there again.

But this time you won the game, you’re riding high, and you’re feeling so completely

AWESOME!

 

Photos from: here, here, and here

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Slicing and dicing a dead tree, tossing it on a pile of dirt, and setting it ablaze is pure joy.

As that dry, withered stump slowly releases years and years of energy soaked up from the sun, the air, and the ground around it, out come bright lights, whispering hisses, sizzling pops, and a thick, intoxicating smell of Musky Smoke N’ Pine Needles.

You can close your eyes and let your eyelids paint yellow and orange kaleidoscopes as the heat washes over you, rosying up your cheeks and giving you that nice, warm Hotface Effect. In that cold, dark forest, on that cold, dark log bench, beside that cold, dark lake, your ears and nose perk up, as you call on some of your primal, caveman instincts to focus on every little sound and smell around you.

AWESOME!

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Backing out of a parking spot is no fun.

You’re turning side to side, checking mirrors, moving real slowly, trying to size up how far away your car is from the next one. It’s an awkward three, four, five-point turn, as you twist your spine up, scrape your tires up, dent someone’s fender up, and narrowly avoid hitting a baby in a stroller up.

It’s a risky, twisty game of Lot Danger.

So take no chances and go for that beautiful Parking Lot Pull Through, a classic parking move that lets you drive right in and drive right out. The trick to pulling it off is finding a double-empty parking spot, entering it, and then driving up into the second spot.

And it’s great, because you get two smirky, satisfied smiles for the price of one. When you nail that PLPT, you’re loving it. And when you return to your car and drive right out, you’re loving it again. For those of you keeping track at home, that’s two awesomes for the price of one.

AWESOME!

AWESOME!

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This ancient and mystical mode of transportation deserves big ups for big reasons. Piggy-backing makes you happy in so many ways:

1. Give yourself a break. Piggy-backing about town is a relaxing way to get around. You just focus on holding on and not strangling the piggy-backer and you’re golden. It’s quite relaxing, really.

2. See the world. Piggy-backing is all about extra visibility and fresh perspectives. Sitting up high piggy-style is good for the back row of a crowded concert or for a kid trying to get a better view of the fireworks show. Yes, piggy-backing shoots you up where the air is thin, the world is small, and the bald spots swim around you like shiny coins at the bottom of a water fountain. The world is new again.

3. You’ve been shot by Cupid. Yes, according to ads for online dating, jeans, or wedding rings, there aren’t many things that scream true love more than piggy-back rides. Makes sense, too. Giving someone a piggy-back is a tough slog and not the kind of transportation perk you’d casually offer to a first date or office coworker. Therefore, if you’re piggy-backing, you’re in love.

4. You just got married in South Korea. Believe it, because according to our egghead pals at Wikipedia, after a South Korean wedding the groom often gives a piggy-back ride to his mother and then his bride, symbolizing his acceptance of his obligations to both. This tradition was possibly invented by banquet halls tired of sweeping up rice and confetti at two in the morning. But either way, congrats on just getting married in South Korea.

So let’s get down with the carry-around.

Jumping on someone’s back and being lugged around town is a sweet deal. If you’re lucky enough to score a piggy-lift somewhere, I say wear a big smile, try and return the favor the next time, and most of all, don’t forget to thank your little piggy.

AWESOME!

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Shelling out for that primo real estate on the corner lot ain’t always easy.

Yes, you may have to mortgage Electric Company or dip into that stash of hundreds hidden under the game board. But after you make your big investment, there’s nothing finer than somebody landing right plum on it, right plum on their next turn.

And there’s always a new bit of tension on that first roll after a hotel enters the game, too. No more superquick circling and buying properties, collecting Get Out Of Jail cards, and winning beauty contests. No, now there’s a hotel on the board and you enter Round 2 of Monopoly, where the haves and have nots are quickly and ruthlessly divided.

When someone lands on the hotel you just built, the first thing they do is go real quiet and quickly pass the dice to the next player, sort of hoping you don’t notice that they’re squatting in your joint.

But you notice all right.

And maybe you’re even all polite and nonchalant about it, too.

“Oh, Marvin Gardens? Hold on a second, wait. Yeah sorry, uh, let’s see here. That’ll be $1200, please.”

“What, seriously?”

“Yeah, sorry. It’s the hotel that does it.” (passing the property card over for inspection)

(inspecting property card) “That’s crazy. That’s like all my money. I might have to mortgage Baltic Avenue.”

“I’m sorry, man. I’ll take all the railroads instead if you want.”

(disgusted) “What, no way! Then I’ll just have Baltic and the blues. Forget it! That’s crazy!”

“Fine … $1200, please.”

(angrily and slowly counting out and handing you a thick stack of hundreds, twenties, tens, fives, and ones that barely add up to $1200, leaving them with only a few properties and two $10 bills leftover)

AWESOME!

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How bad was the first steak you ever made?

I hope it was better than the charred shoe I served for dinner after a good forty minutes of grilling. Needless to say, I made sure there wasn’t anything too raw in there. Nothing too tasty, either.

Of course, the worst part about a tough steak is how it haunts you for the rest of the evening in the form of tough, stringy bits of beef wedged tightly between all your teeth. No matter how hard you twist and turn your tongue to get them, they just ain’t moving.

That’s when you have to bring in the big guy. Yes, that beautiful pack of floss should do the job just fine, thank you very much. Just pull out a piece, snap it off, and get down to business. Flecks of chewed up beefbits fly in all directions, finding new homes on the mirror and in the corners of your bathroom floor.

And that’s pretty much that.

Ladies and gentlemen, a good floss after a tough steak!

AWESOME!

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Props to ugly actors.

These wrinkly, crinkly stars of the screen made it up through a system that values looks and beauty and they did it on raw talent alone. Yes, ugly actors shine bright as a beacon of hope to any of us with bushy eyebrows, gap teeth, or big, crooked noses. They show us the power of doing what you love, even if the system says you don’t qualify. So let’s recognize some of the best of the best:

#12 John C. Reilly. It’s refreshing to see that belly pudge and ungroomed armpit hair. You keep your tabloid cover shots of David Beckham running shirtless on the beach with a perfect six-pack. We’ll keep John C. Reilly and his silent approval of our sagging man-boobs and copious love handles.

#11 Rupert Grint aka Ron Weasley. Rupert makes us all feel a bit better about that awkward elementary school picture in the back of the closet.

#10 Laurence Fishburne. If you’re like me, and you’re stuck with gap teeth because you never got braces, then you look up to Laurence Fishburne. Because who says you have to have perfect teeth, anyway?

#9 Rhea Perlman. Kudos to Rhea Perlman for bringing bad hair days out of the closet. Next time you feel ugly because your hair gets frizzy, you’re hit with some rain hair, or it’s dandruff season and you’re calling for snow, just remember that Rhea Perlman had a bad hair decade. So you’ll be fine.

#8 Benecio Del Toro. When you wake up sore and groggy at noon on a Saturday with a splitting hangover and big, black bags under your eyes, just look in the mirror and say “This face could win an Academy Award.” Thanks, Benecio.

 

#7 Danny Devito. How many people shave their entire head the moment they start going bald? It’s like they’re saying “What? Who’s going bald? Not me, I’m just suddenly into shaving my head every day, that’s all.” It’s so common that Danny Devito deserves a big high ten for embracing the chrome dome. Also, he is short.

#6 Ron Perlman. Getting cast as Hellboy and The Beast in Beauty and the Beast is a bit of a mixed blessing. On one hand, hey, great gigs. But on the other hand, you’re playing a beast and a giant, red superhero. It’s only slightly worse than playing The Phantom of The Opera, Ugly Betty, Charlize Theron in Monster, or Darth Vader when he takes off his mask. So kudos to Ron for taking on some brave roles. You teach us courage.

#5 Anne Ramsey. Guess there was a reason they threw this momma from the train.

#4 Paris Hilton. Next time you fall asleep in the tanning bed, or take a little nap with your head in a sinkful of Clorox, just relax. Don’t even worry about it. It’s not a big deal.

#3 Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Ever grow one of those nasty, shaggy, out of control beards? The kind that gets soup all over it when you’re eating and scratches your girlfriend’s chin when you kiss? The kind that gets you kicked out of convenience stores and frisked a little extra at airport security? Well, Phillip Seymour Hoffman is proof that it is possible to have one of those beards and still be successful. Good on him.

#2 Steve Buscemi. What a great, great, great, great actor.

#1 Christopher Walken. The greatest thing about Christopher Walken is that he doesn’t try to gloss things up, No, he just lets the skunk-hawk fly up top and makes no attempt to apologize for wrinkles or spots. We can learn a lot from him.

Seriously though, ugly actors make this world a great place. They remind us that dreaming big can pay off and there is some justice in the world, no matter what you look like. Because let’s face it: most of us are a bit insecure about our bodies. It’s normal to pinch your belly fat, cover up your acne scars, and pluck your unibrow. But ugly actors say “Hey … it’s okay, friend”, because at the end of the day we’re pretty much the same and it doesn’t really matter what you look like.

And for that they are truly

AWESOME!

Check out The Book of Awesome

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If you feel that loose toilet chain jiggle around or that low-flow toilet flush sort of spit, sputter, and die, then I’m telling you man: it’s bad news. Before you know it you’ve got Toilet Chaos on your hands — the bowl starts filling up instead of filling down, and your chocolate milkshake threatens to spill out onto the floor.

Now picture this happening in the bathroom stall at work, the first time you’re at the in-law’s house, or late at night at a date’s apartment after a romantic dinner.

What I’m trying to say is that it can happen anywhere, anytime, anyplace. You will never be ready. Remember: the clogged toilet bowl doesn’t care who you are or where you’re from. No, it strikes mercilessly, without emotion, when you least expect it. Sort of like that guy from No Country For Old Men. The tall, emotionless, mercilessly-striking one.

Anyway, when this happens to you, and if it hasn’t yet, it will, then there’s only one thing you can do to fight back. No, don’t lay out paper towels on the floor, don’t search desperately for the water turnoff, and don’t just stare hypnotically into the brown, swirling solar system, hoping and praying it will stop before it hits the top.

Don’t do any of that.

Just pull out a plunger and pump it right on in there. Pump and pump and pump some more, because that beautiful little hunk of rubber on a stick has no moving parts and will work like a charm. Once you get her going, she’ll have the toilet burping like a baby in no time.

Then the flush will kick into high gear, the toilet will swallow everything up, and you can quietly slip out of the bathroom and get back to your evening as if nothing happened. And as you finish your dinner, relax on the couch, or settle back into your cubicle, you can look up at the ceiling, smirk a little, and say “Thanks, plunger, for being there when I really needed you.”

AWESOME!

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