Wind whips through the windows, trees sway slowly outside, and music beats through the car stereo as we cruise calmly down empty streets on a long drive home.
Then suddenly blurs flash in our mirrors and zoom past us in an engine-roaring rush, disappearing into tiny red dots over distant hills.
But then suddenly we catch up a couple minutes later at the red light.
And it’s just like hello old friend. Good to see you again.
AWESOME!
Photo from: here
Everyone loves the sun.
Plants, light, tanlines, we get it, we get it. But, you know what? Today’s the day to give props to that other big guy floating up in the sky. Yes, we say the Moon’s worth respecting for a few big reasons:
1. Lights up the night. Sure, the moon isn’t as bright as the sun but he’s still a friendly flashlight on dark nights. If you’ve ever been lost on a boyscout trip in the forest, driven down a pitch black country road, or taken a midnight pee at the campsite, you know what we’re talking about. Smile as those flickery white shadows glimmer off twigs and branches to help you avoid tumbling down the rocky cliffside.
2. Turn the tides. The moon’s constant gravitational yanking gives us choppy ocean tides all day long. Tides allow some species to lay eggs, others to ride the waves, and, most importantly, add important time pressures to sand castle competitions. Without them our oceans — and indeed, our lives — would be flat and dreary.
3. Get out of late free card. There’s something beautiful about seeing the moon hanging around a clear blue morning sky. It’s kind of like that coffee shop employee who chills behind the counter after her shift, pouring a few more drinks in her winter jacket before heading home. “Yeah, yeah, I know the sun’s here,” she seems to say. “Just want to make sure everything’s cool before I take off.” Also, as everyone knows, it’s impossible to be late for work when the moon’s still out because it’s not officially daytime yet. Be sure to check your Rules of Life pocketbook if you need clarification on this important matter.
4. Toss the Timex. The moon’s waxing and waning keep our dates in check, thank you very much. According to our egghead pals at Wikipedia the moon even formed the basis of the world’s first calendars with 13,000 year old eagle-bone relics dug up in Le Placard, France. That’s why our current months are estimates of the lunar cycle and why moon and month are from the same root. Word to your dictionary.
5. Let’s get nuts. Both lunacy and loony are derived from Luna, the Latin name for the Moon. Ancient googly-eyed nerds Aristotle and Pliny the Elder thought full moons made people nuts because our brains are mostly water and therefore we get the same Earth-Moon tidal forces in our heads. Well, the jury’s still out on that one, but there’s nothing wrong with a bit of spice in life, so when that full moon comes around feel free to bulge your eyeballs, act like a caveman, or wear your wacky purple tie to the office meeting.
Sometimes our home planet can seem like a lonely base, spinning in place, floating through space. But when you stare out your bedroom window, up into the distant forever reaches of infinite darkness, remember we’ve got a friend riding with us everywhere we go. Yes, the Moon’s our lunchtime pal in the giant universal cafeteria and our seatmate at the back of the big bang bus. So when it seems like the big blackness is lonely, when it seems like we’re far from home, well just remember that the Moon’s always beside us… as we ride into the deep unknown.
AWESOME!
You came, you dressed up, you conquered.
Now you’re walking around with bloodshot eyes and a gumball headache as you pack Princess costumes into boxes, peel decorations off the door, and get ready for the important business of sorting through your loot.
Now it’s time to focus. FOCUS. Work through that Halloween hangover and steady your nerves because it’s time to strike some big deals. Maybe a candy currency system even emerges amongst all your siblings and friends:
Large size chocolate bar: 20 points
Loot bag full of assorted treats: +/- 15 points depending on size of bag
Fun size chips or Doritos: 10 points
Popcorn ball: 6 points
Reese Peanut Butter Cup: 5 points (especially valuable if special Halloween version)
All other mini candy bars: 4 points
Little pack of fuzzy peaches or sour gummies: 4 points
Cake items such as Twinkies: 3 points
Two-pack of rock hard gum: 2 points
Licorice: 2 points
Caramels from a big well-known caramel company: 2 points
Lollipops: 2 points (Note: Possible points premium for large sizes or rare rainbow-colored lollipops.)
Lollipops with chewy stuff in the middle: Either 1 point or -2 points depending on whether you have braces
Caramels in clear plastic wrap that are overly sticky and have no name on it and taste like burnt sugar: 1 point
Tootsie Rolls: 1 point
Lemon flavoured anything: 0 points.
Pen from guy who sells real estate: 0 points
Anything healthy including raisins or apples: 0 points
Weird chewy generic halloween candy: -1 point.
So pour out your pillowcase and get ready for some high stakes deals on the basement floor. Don’t forget to keep your personal favorites a secret or you’ll pay a fool’s ransom. (If you sacrifice three bags of chips for a Twinkie, you’ve been had.) Lastly, know who you’re up against — does anyone have nut allergies or unhealthy addictions to lime flavoring?
Bottom line: Get in there and get deal-making. Get in there and get teeth-breaking. Get in there and get
AWESOME!
Level 0. Real cobwebs, one pumpkin lying on the porch that isn’t carved, lollipops in a popcorn bowl.
Level 1. Fake stringy cobwebs across the front door, carved jack-o-lantern lying on the porch, plastic Halloween-themed sign on the door, mini candy bars handed out of a giant plastic orange pumpkin.
Level 2. Fake stringy cobwebs everywhere with giant black plastic spiders on them, more than two jack-o-lanterns on the porch with real candles flickering inside, creepy music of creaky doors and rattling chains playing through the window, candy handed out by someone wearing a Scream mask or long black cape, a pretend dead guy in a patio chair on the porch who turns out to be real when you get close to him.
Level 3. Garage transformed into haunted house featuring actual black cat, more than three jack-o-lanterns carved into detailed works of art, orange and black lightbulbs up the walk, full candy bars handed out by Halloween philanthropists in makeup and costumes, entire lawn transformed into graveyard with cardboard gravestones reading things like “Here lies good ol’ Colorblind Fred, thought the lights were green when they were red”, a pretend dead guy in a patio chair who actually turns out to be pretend because there’s another guy hiding in the bushes behind you who actually scares you, fog machine.
AWESOME!
Congratulations!
You just doubled the size of your essay in about three seconds.
You get an A for
AWESOME!
Admit it.
You’ve done the sniff test.
Sure, while shuffling through a mish-mashed drawer of balled up sweatsocks and stained undershirts a few minutes ago you started panicking when you thought there was nothing left. Soon your mind started racing into Plan B’s and C’s:
1. Rock the commando. Should you just skip underwear altogether? After all, it seems to be what the fates are telling you. On the plus side, you can leave the house right away and avoid being late for work. On the down side, zippers.
2. Pull a dirty pair out of the basket. Maybe you’re scoffing now, but we know you been there, too. Hey, sometimes you can totally justify it to yourself: “It’s probably air-dried itself clean by now”, “I didn’t sweat the day I wore these”, or the classic, “I know, I’ll just wear them inside out. I am a genius.”
3. Borrower beware. Whoa, whoa, whoa, over the line. Move on.
4. Go buy some. Unless you’re living in the remote rocky outskirts of a distant mining town, camping up north at a lakeside cabin, or getting changed after hours, there are decent odds a local discount chain has a plastic-wrapped three-pack with your name on it.
Yeah, it’s a stressful scene when the clock’s clicking, the baby’s crying, and you’re running late for work while running around pantsless. But that’s why it’s sweet when you keep digging and digging and digging and digging and eventually unearth a terribly twisted, torn and tattered, mothball-smelling pair of ratty old underwear you haven’t worn in years.
AWESOME!
Suddenly your private one-liner is granted objective joke-telling credibility. Way to hold court in the bank lineup, crack up the ladies behind the sandwich counter, or leave the old guys at the urinals in stitches.
Way to walk in here and get everybody laughing.
Way to walk in here and get everybody feeling
AWESOME!
Photo from: here
My friend Matt went on a rant over the weekend.
“Do you realize how dangerous revolving doors are?” he began, with big popping eyes, concerned eyebrows, and a thick foamstache on his upper lip from the cappuccino he was sipping. “I mean, I’m surprised they’re actually left unguarded in public. Don’t you think it’s a miracle more limbs aren’t lost in those things? Crack, there goes your ankle in the doorjam. Smack, there goes your face against that unrelenting wall of glass.”
He nodded his head in little bobs while staring at the napkin dispenser deep in thought.
“I honestly think I might stop using them altogether…while I still can.”
I flashed him a thin, understanding smile while silently worrying he was becoming a bit too paranoid. What’s next, I wondered – boycotting shoelaces, avoiding escalators, carrying a pocket thermometer to dip into drinks before sipping?
Because let’s be honest. Revolving doors are part of life: they came, they’re here, they ain’t going anywhere, you know? Sure, using them safely is important. But that doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy them. After all, it’s pretty sweet coasting through one of them… especially when you don’t have to push:
1. Catching a draft. Someone’s in front of you so their pushing gets the door moving. Just watch out, though — since they leave the door before you, it’ll generally slow down fast before you get out. But be patient and let the door turn slowly, friend. You’ll make it.
2. The Invisible Force. Here’s where nobody’s around but the door is spinning like mad. Clearly some beefy strongman just whipped it into a frenzy while rushing to catch the bus or something. This spinning beauty sort of resembles that big wheel on The Price is Right whenever a guy from the army sent it flying. Careful getting in and then enjoy the speedy ride.
3. The Self-Starter. This one’s like The Invisible Force, except the slow speed and deep whirring noise tells you the door’s running from a power source. Deeply unsatisfying.
4. Sharing the pie. This is Matt’s worst nightmare. Here’s where you squeeze into the door right behind one of your friends. While they push you try to awkwardly speedwalk so the door doesn’t clip your heels.
Going through a revolving door without having the push feels like catching the rhythm of the universe. Entering, exiting, it doesn’t matter — nope, you just rode the wave of life without crashing into mess of bloody foreheads and shattered wrists.
AWESOME!
Wake me up.
Take off my pyjamas. Put a shirt on me. Pull up my pants. Do up my zipper. Tie my shoes. Make me breakfast. Wash my hands. Put me in the car seat. Buckle me up. Blow my nose. Turn on the TV. Change the video. Change the video. Change the video. Take me to the store. Buy me a toy. Buy me lunch.
Hold me.
Give me a sucker. Stick it in my mouth. Pick it up off the floor. Clean off the dirt. Play with me. Make me laugh. Cook me supper. Put me in my chair. Cut up my food. Put it on my fork. Stick it in my mouth. Wipe it off my chin. Carry me upstairs. Sing me a song.
Bathe me.
AWESOME!
It’s a tiny paper-wrapped bar of soap, mesh bag of gold coin chocolates, Teddy Bear dressed as a Buckingham Palace guard, little foam shoe shiner thing, clicky-pen with a conference logo printed on it, mini bottle of maple syrup, matches from a really good restaurant, bedroom door nameplate with slightly incorrect spelling, stack of shiny Niagara Falls postcards, single-serve room service Ketchup bottles, XL T-shirt with ‘Cincinnati Cares!’ printed across it, or one of those rocks that are cut in half and all purple and sparkly in the middle.
How did you know?
AWESOME!
