Author: Neil Pasricha

I don’t have the patience for puzzles.

If I’m hanging out at your house late at night and someone walks into the room shaking a big 500-piece box with a cover photo of a gray boulder balanced on a gray cliff, then I’m not having it.

Okay, I might help you find the corner pieces or start the first edge, but that’s it, honestly. After it gets into the no man’s land of middle pieces, and people start making stack-piles of colors, passing around the box-top and squinting, and silently trying to clip piece after piece after piece together, well I just can’t take it anymore.

When everybody crowds around the coffee table I start sulking and retreat to the couch where I occupy myself with productive jobs such as stacking all the coasters, finger-dragging the crumbs out the side of the cushions, or trying to eat a potato chip without chewing it, which is actually much more difficult than it sounds. (Quick tip: focus all your energy on sucking the flavor powder off very slowly and make sure to avoid all accidental biting in order to score a soggy and bland potato slice perfect for swallowing.)

But see, this is why it’s so great when somebody finally places the last piece of the puzzle.

There’s usually some giddy anticipation as the pace quickens towards the finale. All fingers get into the game, attaching major edges together and finally finding that one piece we all knew was here somewhere with the other half of the bird’s wing on it.

Hey, the last piece of the puzzle is great because it means you have the last piece of the puzzle. Let’s not overlook this fact. After all, who among us hasn’t picked up a cheapo garage sale special and only discovered it was four pieces short when you were putting it together? Talk about a buzz kill.

Secondly, it means you finally get to see the big picture. Up until that point it’s all poking, prodding, and passing around the dog-eared box top, but now we’ve got a poster. Some people even mount these things and stick them on a wall.

Lastly, there is a thick and heady sense of smoking satisfaction in the air. Even though I’m probably drinking a tall glass of wine and flipping channels past infomercials at this point, even I can feel it. The gang all pitched in, all helped out, and together accomplished the mission.

Now the party can really get nuts.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here, here, and here

Engines revving, drivers idling, traffic lights flash red and stall the scene. Then just as you’re pulling up and about to slow down everything suddenly flicks to green.

Now you’re pounding the gas and zooming right through the intersection in a blurry blaze. Fellow drivers start up in your wake but by then you’re long gone, coasting home, smiling wide, and just enjoying the ride.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

Finishing your snack with a bite of cookie leaves a nice sweetmouth feeling but clogs your molars with sugar-paste and practically begs for something to wash it all down. Then again, finishing with a big swig of milk rinses away the delicious flavor-saving chocolate chip fillings you’ve got back there which is just no fun.

People, there’s only one option here.

Finish by eating that soaking-wet cookie chunk that fell in the milk earlier.

Yes, maybe you forgot about it so it’s a surprising little dessert encore. Or maybe you pre-planned the whole thing because you’re crazy like that.

Either way, when you toss that milky soaked-to-the-bones leftover into your mouth it melts into a  sugary, chocolate chip crumb-puddle and splatters in all directions.

Yes, that’s when you know you just experienced unparalleled levels of deliciosity.

That’s when you know you made it.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

I hate $19.98.

When I’m pumping my car full of that sweet-smelling black gold, I get tense when I’m two cents away from a nice, round number. Maybe I’ve got a twenty dollar bill in my pocket or maybe I’m throwing it on a credit card. Either way, I just can’t be that satisfied with a $20.01 pump. If I hit $20.03 or $20.04, it’s like I wasn’t even paying attention. Call me The Big Squeeze at that point, because I clearly don’t know what I’m doing.

But if the opposite happens, if I tap that handle ever so sweetly and let a little thimble of gasoline drip into my tank so the numbers curl up to twenty bucks even, then it’s time to high-five the passengers, call the papers, and get ready for a beautifully changeless transaction.

For a split-second you transform.

Gone is mom driving the kids home from ballet, gone is the pizza driver doing a quick fill before midnight, gone is the sweaty suit pumping a fast one before riding the expressway to the office downtown.

Gone, gone, they’re all just gone.

Passers-by will squint at those pumps and swear they noticed something. Kids staring out the back of the station wagon will turn to each other and drop their jaws. Later on, newspaper reporters will write down eye-witness accounts from old folks on the porch across the street. “It must have been my imagination,” they’ll say. “But I swear I saw someone dressed all in black.”

People, if you let go of the gas pump at just the right moment, they’re talking about you.

Because you are The Pump Ninja.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here, here, and here

When I was a kid and played with He-Man guys or Transformers, there was always a time when the scale of whatever war I was waging grew beyond the number of figures I had from that set. This meant that I had to throw in other guys to pad the numbers to make sure everything was just fine.

For example, He-Man would help The Autobots when Skeletor was bearing down on them with all his henchmen, some bad GI Joe guys, Randy Macho Man Savage, and a lone Captain Planet villain from a random aunt two birthdays ago.

This also worked for tournaments, Battle Royals, and no-holds-barred street races.

You knew the races were getting out of hand when a big Tonka dump truck started playing dirty and dumped a half-dozen Micro Machines on the carpet to scramble and run the Batmobile off the road.

Sometimes my sister got in on it, too.

If the Decepticons kidnapped Barbie then Ken would jump on My Little Pony to try and rescue her. And if that didn’t work, she’d be forced to wheel out the big guns.

Yes, I’m talking about the Cabbage Patch Kids.

Oh sure, they were just stuffed dolls, but they were also four times the size any of my action figures and had really heavy faces that were strong as steel. Basically, the game was over at that point because she’d capture all my men and just toss them in the Easy-Bake Oven.

And come on, there was something great about those interspecies action figure wars. Think back and remember sliding across the carpet in your overalls, making spitty sound effects, and zooming your head into an imagination world that was so fun, so real, and so

AWESOME!

Photos from: here, here, here, here, and here

Illustration from: here

Your windshield wipers have no idea what’s going on as you enjoy your blissful two seconds of silence.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

Changing diapers is not awesome.

In fact, it’s probably something you’d find over on 1000 Annoying Things, that non-existent netherlist we mentioned before which also features #998 When you realize you’re out of deodorant as you’re putting it on, #997 Forgetting your umbrella at the restaurant, and #996 When the hot water runs out before you rinse out your shampoo.

Mommy and daddy, you know what I’m talking about. Sure, you love your child, and yes, you rationally understand that frequent bowel movements are a sign of good health, but when you groan and grog-waddle over to the crib at three in the morning, it’s just not a pretty scene.

That’s why it’s so great when you’re expecting Number 2, but get lucky and just score a leaky Number 1 diaper. It’s like a tiny present from your little bundle of joy. So high-five the little slugger before pulling the quick-wipe and slapping on a new dipe.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here and here

A fresh batch of personal emails is like a little basket of gold to start your day.

Grandkids telling you about their day at school, blurry photos attached from last night’s party, your mom asking what you want for your birthday, and dirty inside jokes between your closest friends are all piled on top of each other in your private little room of secret conversations.

You smile softly because a page full of personal emails tells you one thing for sure: people like talking to you. So pull your chair up, rub your palms together, and get ready to dive in.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

How do you spell relief?

Baby, it’s gotta be that deep sensation of finally relaxing your eyeballs when you pull your specs off at the end of the day. And whether you’re resting your Coke bottles on the bedside table or peeling your dry, itchy contacts out after a late night and a long cab ride, you just gotta love that perfect sense of freedom and fresh air.

Yes, when you pull off those lenses you can just blink twice, feel that burn, and give yourself a well deserved Pre-Dream eyeball massage.

Because you’re finally free.

Now, if you’re blessed with 20/20 vision, and have no idea what us blind folks are talking about, then let me give you the Top 5 Sorta-Similar Feelings from other parts of your life. Here you go, Perfect Eyes:

5. Unbuttoning the top button of your too-tight dress shirt after a long wedding day. You trucked around town in a strangling tux and a tie, your neck sweated and brown-collared your shirt through the pictures, wedding ceremony, speeches, and dance. When you’re back in the hotel room, just pop that button off and let it all go.

4. Flipping your belt buckle open after a big turkey dinner. You packed that stomach with slabs of turkey, slops of potatoes, mounds of stuffing, and a glass full of gravy, so when you let your stomach just flop onto your lap it’s impossible not to droop your eyelids and smile a nice and slow open mouthed smile.

3. Taking your shoes and socks off after a long day at work. Hey, we’ve talked about this one before, but it’s hard to beat the feeling of your leg hairs straightening out and blood recirculating in your calves after a sweaty day at the office.

2.Untying your corset in your dim, candle lit castle tower. Such sweet relief from a long day of washing your hair in the courtyard well, attending a stuffy dinner with the King, and sitting through hours of poetry with the troubadours in the town square.

1. Cracking open your ski boots after a day at the slopes and walking around in sock feet. All the bumps and blisters on your feet finally relax and dentisify by the chalet fire after being squeezed together all day.

If you’re still reading then you know all of these pleasures make life so juicy and delicious. So if you’re nodding along and loving these buzzes then you deserve big ups for enjoying tiny moments of pure bliss wedged tightly in the middle of your busy and stressful day.

So today we give you a recognition you truly deserve.

Congratulations on stopping to smell the

AWESOME!

Photos from: here, here, here, and here

!!!

AWESOME!

Photo from: honestly, please email me if you know