Category: Awesome Things

Plump and juicy, fat and full, a new tube of toothpaste holds a future full of hope and promise just behind its clean cap and dent-free logo. Yes, whiter teeth, brighter smiles, and a world without bad breath are just a few minutes of gentle scrubbing each day away.

And unlike a bag of chips or a box of Froot Loops, when you drop ninety-nine cents for a tube of the good stuff, it comes to you filled all the way to the top. And sure, while scraping out one final squeeze from a flat, worn out tube of Colgate is a great rush, that first squeeze from a new tube of paste is even better.

You barely need to squeeze it.

AWESOME!

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Ever had a friend start buzzing with The Dating Glow?

You know, they start seeing someone new and suddenly start walking with a new pep in their step, a new trot in their walk? Maybe they lose five pounds, show up with a new haircut, or start wearing tight pants. Or maybe they just smile wider, laugh louder, and exude a new confidence about themselves.

Being with someone new makes them look and feel better and that’s a great thing. That’s The Dating Glow.

Now, if you don’t mind, let’s switch gears and talk about sandwiches — soggy, squashed, Saran-Wrapped sandwiches from the bowels of your bookbag. Those warm and tired messes look pathetic with sweaty cheese, slimy tomatoes, and warm turkey. Yes, it’s a sandwich down on its luck, lacking a bit of confidence, and in desperate need of a glow of some sort.

That’s where potato chips come in.

When you crunch up your sandwich with some carefully inserted potato chips, you inject a spicy vial of Grade A Oomph. Suddenly that pasty gob of bread and meat transforms into a rainbow of crunches and flavors. It’s the sandwich equivalent of getting a new hairdo, wearing something scandalous, or buzzing with a new vibe.

Now, before we call it a day here, let’s chat about something funny about putting chips on a sandwich. Alright, here it is: everybody thinks they invented it. Honestly, I’ll be grabbing a quick lunch with a friend from work and he’ll just sort of raise his eyebrows at me mysteriously. “Know what I like to do?” he’ll ask, squinting a bit and cracking a wry smile. “Put chips on my sandwich, that’s what,” he’ll unveil, a stiff bottom lip, some scrunched eyebrows, and a firm nod echoing the big reveal.

So that’s it, ladies and gentleman. Putting potato chips on a sandwich.

You invented it.

We all love it.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

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It’s late, it’s dark, it’s quiet.

You’re tossing and turning, wrapped tightly in a mummy’s tomb of crumpled sheets and flat pillows, while your bed buddy blissfully slumbers on. Maybe you try laying perfectly still, flipping the pillow, or taking deep breaths timed to Subconscious Sam’s snoring beside you.

You might be frustrated, you might be tired, you might be ready to pack it in and scream — but sometimes, once in a while, it’s at these perfect moments when the person laying next to you starts laughing in their sleep. And what a bizarre and hilarious sight that is because it’s like — what’s so funny?

I mean sure, we’re used to laughing at things we see in our waking life. Your roommate drops a hammer on their toe, crazy Uncle Lou starts dancing at a wedding, sure. We get those things. But when somebody’s laughing in their sleep it’s a different kind of funny because it’s the most inside of inside jokes. You aren’t in on it and frankly, they aren’t either.

So whether it’s baby in the crib, the guy next to you in the tent, or your girlfriend wedged beside you on the futon, there’s something just so hilarious when you see them laugh in their sleep and try to imagine what’s running through their head.

AWESOME!

…

…

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Wait, wait, wait, hold on, last question: do you ever try to influence their dreams by whispering little things in their ear and stuff?

Me neither.

AWESOME!

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Movie theatres sure are trying.

Let’s see, they made the seats taller, screens bigger, cushions comfier, and gave cup-holders permanent status. They want us to sit back, relax, and enjoy a nice, quiet evening in our perfect seats.

There’s just one problem, though: that armrest.

Yes, armrests are the only shared space between you and Hairy-Forearm Frank on your left or Pointy-Elbow Elaine on your right. And you can’t share that space, you can’t go halfsies, you can’t do a time share. People, there can be no softly rubbing elbows with a stranger during previews, are we agreed? And honestly, I don’t care how softly the rubbing is or how much you want a corner of that arm rest. Just don’t do it.

So really, we’re left with only one thing you can do, folks.

Get there early, eye your prize, and claim that space and claim it quick. Plant your sharp, bony elbows on both armrests and get ready for the most comfortable movie watching experience of your life.

AWESOME!

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All hail the mighty brow.

Folks, I ask you: what’s not to love about these shaggy forehead caterpillars? Let’s rack them up:

1. Sweat-B-Gone. Your shiny, slippery forehead is the perfect runway for sweat to launch straight into your eyes, stinging and blinding you as you go about shoveling the driveway. Good thing your perfectly shaped eyebrows are there, staunch and hairy defenders of the eyeball, whisking away sweat and keeping you seeing.

2. Don’t look ridiculous. If you had no eyebrows, you’d sort of look like Whoopi Goldberg or the victim of a frat hazing that went too far.

3. Quiet talk. They say that 95% of all communication is non-verbal. You know, it’s less what you say, more how you say it. It’s your dress, your walk, your eyes, and the way you move your body. And if that’s true, what Body Prop comes in handier for this quiet talk than your ol’ eyebrows? Pop them up to show surprise, squint them tightly to show you ain’t happy, and maybe furrow one slightly to show you’re a bit confused. Eyebrows can help you say so much with so little.

Although we may often forget it, our eyebrows are rocking the forehead from the day we’re born to the day we die. They soldier on in the sun, sleet, wind, and rain and need to look pretty doing it. They don’t take vacations and they don’t complain.

So let’s give it up for our eyebrows, ladies and gentlemen. Let’s give it up for dry eyes. Let’s give it up for showing emotion. Let’s give it up for not looking ridiculous.

And let’s give it up for love.

AWESOME!

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AWESOME!

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Toilet bowl stains are a fact of life.

Big billowy dustballs are going to pool under the couch, crumbs will form communities on your kitchen counter, flyers and junk mail will pile by the door and, let’s just face it, once in a while your place will just stink.

But hey, it’s not you, it’s us.

We’re big, bulky animals who’ve been living in the world’s caves and jungles for a few hundred thousand years, and just recently we’ve tried moving into a prim and proper world of freshly waxed floors and central air conditioning. We fart, burp, and spread dirt across the floor. We sweat, shed skin, and shower dandruff all over the place. Sure, we wear pants, read the newspaper, and brush our teeth, but beneath it all we’re still just hairy animals who scratch ourselves a lot.

Of course, when guests come visit, most of us try to distance ourselves from our roots.

We perform the Doorbell Dash and run a Swiffer over the floor, light a candle, and wipe down the bathroom. We trade bad breath for mouthwash and sweatpants for fresh pants. We ditch our cave-selves and freshen up our place for company. And hey, there’s nothing wrong with all that.

But how good does it feel when you just, you know, don’t? How good is it when friends visit and you don’t lift a finger? I say when your visitors don’t command a freshly-scrubbed toilet, they are your Cave Brothers and Sisters. They know you for what you are and they don’t judge you, because they have hairballs on their bathroom floors and piles of dirty shoes at their front doors, and they think that’s perfectly fine.

These are your closest family and your closest friends. People, if you visit somebody’s place and they don’t clean up for you, consider yourself lucky. It means you’ve got some great friends who are relaxed and comfortable being themselves around you. And that’s 100%

AWESOME!

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There are a few types of Frisbee tosses out there:

1. The Sideways Roller. Even the best frisbee tossers can’t avoid the occasional Sideways Roller. This is when the frisbee hits the ground almost immediately, and then rolls away in a sharp, spinning circle. For some extra points, it’s always fun to chase it around and around and then half-heartedly give up and wait to see where it stops.

2. The Boomerang. Oops, too high, way up in the wind there. Careful though, that thing’s coming back, straight at your throat.

3. The Fancy Fudge Up. After a few tosses, someone might get cocky and attempt a novelty forehand throw or under-the-leg toss. These usually end up flying way off into the distance and then rolling into the sewer. Don’t get too cute out there.

4. The Laser. A classic sharp, shooting toss right at the chest of your partner. They can usually catch it without moving an inch, but might jam a finger or two in the process.

5. The Flying Saucer. And lastly, the highlight of the day, everybody. It’s gotta be that Flying Saucer. A nice, airy toss that just seems to pause in mid-air and slowly hover down into your waiting hands, like a spinning plastic angel from heaven.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here and here

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Okay, straight up: you know those big kettle drums you see in the symphony? The ones being pounded with padded drumsticks by a bald guy in a tuxedo? Well, the sound of rain from inside the tent feels like living in a kettle drum.

Now, let’s be honest. The best thing about the sound of rain inside the tent is that it means you’re inside the tent, not outside in a thick and wet T-shirt, on your mud-splattered hands and knees, trying to hammer some plastic stakes into the mushy ground. Yes, putting up a tent in the rain is pretty high up there on 1000 Annoying Things, a non-existent netherlist which also features #1000 Walking into spider webs and #999 When someone says the punchline to the joke you’re telling.

The sound of rain from inside the tent feels safe, secure, and sort of comforting. After all, you’re out in the elements, safe from the elements. You’ll get the marshmallow roasting sticks later, you’ll build a fire tomorrow, but for now it’s just time to lay back on the bumpy sleeping bag, put your hands behind your head, and smile.

AWESOME!

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Stress level goes up.

Stress level goes down.

AWESOME!

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