Since we’re lugging the heavy vacuum up from the basement, moving couches around, and getting the whole room smelling like hot dirt, it’s mighty nice when those rattling little pebbles pipe up and let us know it was alllllll worth it.
AWESOME!
Photo from: here
You and your snugglepuss are cuddling up together.
Maybe you’re taking a romantic stroll in the park, leaning on the railing over a waterfall, or camping out at the airport before your big honeymoon flyaway.
It’s times like this when someone grabs the camera and starts taking pictures. Strike that pose, baby. Pout those lips, tilt that neck, and get into it. Then grab the camera and take pictures of your loved one, too. Big toothy smile, casually distracted straightface, whatever their move you’re just freeze-framing it forever.
Everything is rolling right along, everything’s smooth sailing, until it eventually happens.
You want a couple shot.
Sure, first you try the awkward cheek-to-cheek pose which involves squeezing your faces together and holding the camera high in front of you with an outstretched arm. And that’s not bad until you realize you’re taking four pictures to get one that includes your entire forehead and there’s no hope of getting a full-body shot. Nope, you’re not getting a cute couple photo today.
OR ARE YOU?
It’s a magical moment when a stranger walks by, notices your awkwardness, and chimes in with a quick “Hey, want me to take a picture of you two?” That’s when you smile warmly and say sure, before delicately placing your fragile camera in their hands. The funniest part comes next when you teach them how to use it.
“Press this button.”
You know, like every other camera.
But honestly, thanks Shutter Stranger. Thanks for stopping for a minute to capture our good side. We may never see you again, we may never pay you back, but we want to give you a big shout today for your generous gift of capturing the moment.
AWESOME!
We don’t know where you’ve been. We don’t know how you got home. But come here and give us a hug, old friend.
We thought we lost you.
AWESOME!
Photo from: here
It’s a blazing hot Saturday afternoon and you’re playing pick-up basketball in the park.
When the sun beats down and your sweatstache starts dripping someone thankfully calls a time out. Wiping your forearm across your forehead, you jog over to your gymbag to grab a quick drink. Digging your hand past a pair of balled-up socks and a warm stick of deodorant, you finally find your buried treasure.
It’s a sweaty, wet bottle of water from home and you quickly twist off the cap for the first big sip.
But it disappoints.
It’s lukewarm.
No, that room temperature swill sure doesn’t quench much. Your hot throat is greeted by warm water and any hopes of getting refreshed quickly evaporate.
OR DO THEY?
Your next sip seems a tiny bit cooler to you. Your blood pulses as you realize there may be a buried treasure within the buried treasure. Yes, yes, yes, you think, as you toss back the bottle and chug like you’ve never chugged before.
And it hits you.
The cold, insulated spot in the middle of the water bottle.
Man oh man oh man.
AWESOME!
Soapy sponging coats your clunker in a thick sheet of bubbly foam. When your brow is sweating and the sloshy pail is dripping all over the driveway, it’s time to grab the hose and rinse the job away.
Warning beeps and flashing battery icons try hard to get your attention.
To me they’re a like death row prisoners being escorted down a dim hallway with green ceramic tiles and cinder brick walls. They’re in a baggy orange jumpsuit and shackles, hands behind their back, guards on both sides, just screaming for help before they’re strapped to the chair.
“Someone stop this insanity!”
Your heart aches but sometimes there’s nothing you can do. You’re in a bus on a long ride home or out at a restaurant. You forgot to plug them in before you left so you just stare helplessly as the juice zaps their veins, the lightbulb dims, and they go quiet and disappear into blackness. You sigh and toss them in your backpack or just hold their heavy, lifeless body in your hands, say some quiet words, and wipe away tears.
Other times you’re the pricey, hard-nosed attorney, filing a last minute appeal and rushing down to the prison with court-signed paperwork before someone flips the switch. You run into your apartment and plug them into the wall or borrow a friend’s car adapter at the last second. On moments like this, there is a celebration as the charge icon flashes on, flashes strong, and breathes in some fresh new life.
AWESOME!
Tension fills the room and black clouds linger by the ceiling fan. Dinner was late, bills piled up, nobody called home.
Now you’re steaming in front of the TV while they’re crying softly in the bedroom upstairs. The stalemate burns quietly until they come down, enter the room slowly, grab your shirt sleeves and look right at you with a pair of warm, moist eyes while starting to give you a soft, smiling apology.
But you see them coming and your stomach churns with a wave of regret so before they even get it out, you interrupt with a head shake and a hug.
AWESOME!
Photo from: here
Drive that steaming rustbucket up to the gas station and let’s get down to business.
Folks, you know it and I know it: perfect squeegee jobs are hard work. You’re a pro wiper if you master these top five tricks:
1. Liftups. Not everyone has the moxy to wipe under the windshield wipers but that’s where you’ll find dried leaves and lots of highway grime. Don’t be afraid to get in there.
2. Just enough drips. Okay, if you’re pulling the squeegee out of that dirty blue liquid and slapping it on your rear window in one swift move, then you’re probably overdripping. There’s no need to get your shoes wet, so do like the pros and tap off before you tap on.
3. Say no to streaks. Quick wiping is sloppy wiping. Avoid streaks at all costs by using two hands, leaning your head in, and applying just enough even pressure to keep the squeegee running straight. If you get a streak by accident it’s time to do it again. If you start to compromise, you’ll just hate yourself later. Be strong.
4. Bug off. Pros don’t let smeared bug guts get in their way. No, they’ll hammer those out with some furrowed brows and furious back and forth swiping. Pay tribute to the ladybug’s tiny, beautiful life by disposing of its remains at the station instead of driving them back and forth to work for a few weeks.
5. Side Mirror Superstar. Everyone thinks they can do the side mirrors but the truth is that they’re nearly impossible. Sure, it’s a nice idea at first, when you notice how dirty they are, and you’ve got the squeegee in your hand. But then you realize the squeegee doesn’t fit on there too well so you get inconsistent smudge-steaks and a black scribbly cloud above your head. Streak-free side mirrors require years of training. Work your way into it and expect to make lots of mistakes.
Yes, when you nail the perfect squeegee job you’re loving it lots. Mom fills up, dad grabs beef jerky, and your kid brother runs for the graffiti-covered bathroom that smells like urinal pucks. But you stumble out that van door, stretch your legs, and just casually eye that squeegee stick.
Then you look at your bug-splattered windshield, nod a little nod, and smile a little smile.
Because you know what has to be done.
And you know how to do it.
AWESOME!
The dreaded Cafeteria Standalone.
Blue plastic tray wobbling in both hands carrying a big rolling glass of iced tea and a heavy ceramic plate loaded with steaming roast beef, wet mashed potatoes, and bland baby carrots, you exit the cafeteria line and glance at the full crowd in front of you.
It’s the high school cafeteria, the workplace lunchroom, or the food court at the mall. Everybody is laughing, at you maybe, while you stand and stare out at the kaleidoscopic sea of smiling faces.
As the seconds tick by you feel more and more out of place.
Maybe you quickly glance around the room while pretending to get ketchup. Maybe you walk in a couple different directions so you aren’t clogging up the lanes or looking too obvious. Or maybe you just get really anxious and wonder if you’re going to have to sit by yourself.
But just as you’re beginning to lose hope you eventually you see them.
It’s your friends in the distance.
And they’re waving.
AWESOME!
Contraband candy tastes better.
Here’s how to make the magic happen:
Step 1: Bag Up. Large purses come in handy here. Ladies, pull out the fattest potato sack you got and sling it across your shoulder with pride. For everyone else, you can try a bulky backpack or shopping bag. Business folks can pull off the classy briefcase. The only thing to avoid are Matrix-style trench coats with burrito dents in all the inside pockets.
Step 2: Food Up. Stuff that puppy with gummy worms, bubble tape, and Cinnabons, baby. If you’re feeling risky, throw a couple cold and slippery cans of soda in there or a bag of microwave popcorn. Know your limits, though. Steamy meatball subs and hot curry dishes are typically for experts only. And nobody pulls off lasagna.
Step 3: Walk Up. Confidence is everything. Hold your head high, strut a mean strut, and you’ll be just fine. No ticket-ripper should say anything, but if you get caught you can always pretend you’re diabetic. “Honestly, this is prescription Everlasting Gobstoppers.”
Step 4: Eat Up. Tear open the bag of chips with your teeth, crack the soda during a gun fight, and shake the Nerds during the Spanish dance sequence. Just get in there and start munching.
Get in there and start crunching.
Get in there and get
AWESOME!
(Congrats to Cake Wrecks on their fantastic new book!)
