But somehow it’s different with pens. When someone borrows one it’s like they’re immediately shipped to the Island of Misfit Toys with the rest of their often-borrowed-rarely-returned brothers and sisters. Since nobody wants to be the whiner asking for their paperclip or hair elastic, these misfits just disappear into the abyss.
And that’s what makes it so great when someone actually gives you your pen back. It’s almost like getting a gift. “Wow, thanks,” you mutter, as the guy filling his customs form beside you on the plane passes back your ballpoint.
An airborne hug is any hug where you actually lift the other person off the ground. It’s a serious squeeze that shows the world how much you love them and offers a little back cracking at no extra charge.
Yes, it’s a sad and painful moment which involves me picking up a hard-shell taco and very gently squeezing it together so I can fit it in my mouth. But then just before I can bite, a loud splintery crack fills the air and I notice I’ve just given my taco a career-ending spinal injury by splitting it into two giant half-circle nachos barely squeezing the greasy meat, cheese, and lettuce together.
The next thirty seconds are a tornado chomping blur as I bite hard and fast to avoid the entire taco crumbling into a pathetic wetbeaver’s dam of splintered shells, sour cream smears, and grease drops.
It doesn’t always work and I’m often left a pathetic mess with greasy fingers, bits of tomato in my hair, and a fine dusting of taco shell sprinkled on my pants.
And that’s why it’s great when someone actually manages to eats a taco without anything falling out.
Honestly, when she gets crazy it’s time to watch out, everybody. Swirling oceans, spinning winds, icy rain drops — you never know what she’s got cooking in the atmosphere. One of her off-the-menu specials is definitely a fresh batch of clear blue skies with rain at the same time. Yes, these rare sun showery gems are great for three big reasons:
1. Petunia Heaven. Since flowers need water and sunlight to live the sun shower is the best of both worlds. Have you ever taken a nap while eating? Or breathed while going to the bathroom? Then you know the beauty of the 2 for 1 Life Thing special.
2. High rainbow probability. Not including ones on Lucky Charms boxes or trippy Internet videos, I’ve seen maybe five or ten high quality rainbows in my life. Tops! Yes, I am in serious Rainbow Deficit, people. So naturally I’m always on the lookout for my pal Curvy Roy G. and when I spot him I just admire the view.
3. Freshen Up Your Life. Mentos may be the freshmaker but sun showers are a close second. They sprinkle down when you’re sweating buckets on sticky days and last just long enough to give you a welcome rinse. The universe sees your pit stains and wants to help.
Yes, seeing sun showers is like being on a pricey Hollywood set where somebody in production pressed the rain button before a big scene but forgot to press the cloud button, too.
Listening to the sound of a stomach chowing down on a greasy hot dog is listening to the sound of a body filling up with energy. Ketchup, mustard, pickles — they’re all magically getting transmogrified into molecules of you and molecules of poo. Amen, sing it to your mama.
Putting your ear on someone’s stomach and hearing all the tiny fizzpops and spin-gurgles having a blast on the inside is a strangely beautiful moment of intimacy and an ear-twinkling moment of
Wait, let me guess — is it a giant smear of white sunblock gooing up your arm hairs? Brother, I been there too. And I guarantee my arms are more gorilla than you, so whenever I’m thick-blobbing it on the back deck before the barbecue it feels like I’m petting a dog with paint. Soon I’ll be helplessly wagging my drippy hands in your face asking if I can please wipe my sunblock overdose all over you.
Of course, when I’m not overdoing it I usually have the opposite issue — squeezing out barely enough to cover a shin and two palms. Then I’m the guy getting the bottle all greasy with my slippery paws as I try to frantically fart-squeeze more out of the container to cover up.
Yes, that’s what makes it great when I actually squeeze out the right amount of sunblock. No double-dipping, no double-dripping — just enough of the cool n’ creamy to cover myself up in style.
Yes, when you’re a kid you live off that hose. It’s your friend. It’s your enemy. It keeps your entire afternoon moving with ritual cool downs, face-spraying entertainment, and lots of rust-and-plastic flavored water to keep you hydrated. Oh sure, sure — maybe it’s not technically meant for drinking, but there’s just nothing more satisfying than stealing drips from the snakey drain right below the window pane.
Feel free to enjoy your hose drinking with the classic Dribble PourTechnique, chaotic Thumb-Stop Surprise Spray, or the painful Garden GunSqueeze to the back of the throat. All work just fine but if you’re looking for +5 Bonus Points you can try drinking straight from the sprinkler. Bit risky but that’s just the way you roll sometimes.
Yes, drinking from the hose in the backyard is one of the places where after having a few sips it’s completely acceptable to spray your brother in the face.
You mindlessly walk into the Sea of Cars from the mall and start tapping your remote over and over and over again into quiet and silent night. Foggy memories of parking near the pizza smell by the back slowly hit you and you groggily stumble forward like a zombie … deeper and deeper into the concrete bowels of the lot. Yes, wedged between door handles and tailpipes you’re a Parking Lot Disaster until — suddenly! You hear it! Getting closer!
Books, blow dryers, babies in baskets.
