You were meant to be naked.

After swimming in a stomach you came out crying in a new world full of harsh lights, surgical masks, and cold tables. A couple minutes later you were quickly covered in plastic, wool, and cotton, but you never forgot.

You never forgot.

Yes, you’ve been in clothes for years, you’ve been in clothes since that day, you’ve been wearing socks forever, you’ve been wearing shoes the same way.

But… sometimes pants are a pain and shirts are a mess and life’s just a lot better when you’re completely undressed.

You were meant to be naked.

You came here without clothes.

You were meant to be naked.

And sometimes you gotta go back to what you know.

Stripping in the hot tub, jumping off the dock, slipping your swimming trunks off, and showing the world your … confidence.

Yes, I say just be out there and be happy, be out there and rewind, just get naked and relax, get naked… and forget time.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

Our world can be a filthy place.

Car fumes, cigarette smoke, and pet hair fill our air while our eyes suit up to sit on the front lines every day. This Dust War rages and rages and our eyes don’t get much protection in the trenches. On top of that, we don’t always treat them well either — staring into screens, straining in the dark, and staying up too late working on homewark.

Sometimes it’s nice to show your eyes you care. Sometimes it’s nice to show your eyes you’re there. Yes, sometimes it’s nice to frantically rub them like a wild animal until you get that sweet and soothing sense of eyeball relief.

Closing your eyes and giving them a good rub is a good way to say thanks. Closing your eyes and giving them a good rub is a good way to say

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

Successful sheet swooping is the term used to describe when you’re making the bed by yourself and you grab all four corners of a sheet and then suddenly swoop it out into the air in one quick move so that the entire sheet unfolds in a majestic rectangle of cotton that floats in the air for a millisecond before landing perfectly over all four corners of the bed.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

Stuff that belly.

It’s time to enjoy some location based tastiness with some location based snacks:

• Massive bag of wet popcorn at the movies. Squirt some hot buttery-like substance on that corn get ready to chomp through the previews. Now, there are two possible endings to this story — dropping the three-quarters full bag to your feet after five minutes and cursing yourself for getting too much, or getting your hands and face disgustingly greasy while powermunching your way to the burnt kernels at the bottom.

• Assorted bag of no-name brand chips on an airplane. It’s all about the airplane snack that was made by that no-name company specializing in tiny bags of freezing cold Fritos knockoffs.

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• Hot dog at the ballgame. Load that crispy-skinned wiener up with toppings and get ready to chow down with a big cup of suds before the first pitch. Soak up those afternoon rays and enjoy the ballpark air as your tastebuds start sizzling. It’s well worth the seventh inning heartburn.

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• Pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving. When you’re finished your third helping of mashed potatoes it’s time to make room for of a thick slice of pumpkin pie with whipped cream. Undo your belt buckle and let the buttons pop because it’s time to let it all out … before stuffing it all in.

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• Orange Julius at the mall when you’re in the middle of shopping with your girlfriend. It is illegal to drink Orange Julius anywhere else so grab a big straw and pray for relief.

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• Funnel cake at the amusement park. “Hey, are we about to spin upside down on the roller coasters, crash into each other in bumper cars, and run around a pitch black haunted house? Cool, just lemme load my stomach up with a giant paper plate full of deep fried dough first.”

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• Roasted marshmallows at the campfire. Oven baked marshmallows in front of the fireplace channel just isn’t as good.

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• Anything the parents won’t notice is missing while you’re babysitting. After you put the kids to bed it’s all about snagging a handful of chocolate chips, diving into the open bag of chips, or taking a few spoonfuls of ice cream and then smoothing over the top so it looks like nobody was there.

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Yes, location based snacks are great because they only come around once in a while. After all, ballpark franks and deep-fried funnel cakes might get boring every day but as little blips of tastiness they do the job just fine. So next time you’re racing around the mall, running around the fair, or finishing a giant family dinner over the holidays make sure you take the time to relax … indulge those hunger attacks … and enjoy some mouthwatering location based snacks.

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AWESOME!

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Photos from: here, here, here, and here

Because you know they’re not faking it.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

We start as strangers.

Pushing into sweaty stadiums for the ballgame or splitting into opposites sides of the soccer pitch always feels like we’re getting ready to battle, getting ready to fight, and getting ready to cheer. Grab your flag, pump your fist, and finish that beer as we all amp up for the big game.

And that’s why it’s a beautiful moment when the national anthem hits the speakers and slices through the crowd. Suddenly we all stop for a minute and swish and swirl together …  standing beside each other, singing the same song, proud of our home country, and all just standing strong…

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

I ain’t good at much.

Seriously, when it comes to cooking I tend to burn toast, overcook pasta, and drown my cereal in white. Sports wise, I’ve been picked last in everything I’ve played — a broken-glasses freeze frame of me getting pegged in the forehead with a dodgeball would accurately represent my athletic career. And I hate to admit it but I’m a bit messy, too. Old roommates will tell you I leave dishes in the sink for days, somehow smear toothpaste on bathroom mirrors, and consider dust mites friendly little fellas who just need a good home.

I’m not good at much.

But I tell you, I tell you if there is one thing I am good at then it’s gotta be knowing where I live.

Yes, you can’t trip me up on that one. Zip code, street address, what’s your question, fool? I’m all over that like a fly on … fly tape. I know my streets, I know my shortcuts, I know my city, I know it well. North, south, east, west, tell me where you getting and I’ll get you there the best.

And shortest.

Way possible.

Point is, I love it when someone asks me directions in my home town.

Jacques Cousteau don’t know which big time call gets you to the power mall. Marco Polo can’t show you that secret shortcut driveway that gets to the highway. And Hernando Cortes don’t know the shortest route to take if you’re heading for a picnic down by the lake.

Only we can.

Because we live here.

And we’re

AWESOME!

Photos from: here and here

Pull, pull, twist. Pull, pull, squeeze. Pull, pull, yank. Pull, pull, tweeze.

SPROINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG!!!

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

Welcome to the dark.

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It’s time to assess your nightwalking skills, young warrior:

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Level 1: Fresh soldier. You’ve got confidence to try getting around in the dark but you’re just no good yet. Maybe you moved into a new place and are stubbing your toes on walls, stepping on your cat, and constantly flipping bathroom fans instead of light switches. You get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and end up in the laundry room or linen closet with your arms straight out. Purple war wounds on your thighs and broken toes from the fridge mean it’s time to keep
practicing.

Level 2: Human Roomba. Your confidence keeps growing and now you’re finger feeling your way down hallways and into kitchen cupboards by the light of the alarm clock, cell phone, or full moon. This is the level where you first attempt stairs with one or two hands firmly on the banister. You may also successfully avoid strange objects in your path here — like ironing boards, rogue ottomans, or a random diaper bag. Don’t forget to hum softly and bounce off the walls.

Level 3: Kitchen Ninja. There’s no moon in the sky and clouds cover all the stars. You’re alone in the zone of blackness… but you don’t care. Nope, you’re breezing down hallways and through doors without using your hands and you’re smacking light switches on walls like you’re William Tell shooting apples off heads. Ninja mastery is complete when you manage to make an entire snack in the dark including the final challenge: spreading peanut butter or Nutella on toast.

Yes, successfully navigating your home in the dark is an important life skill that takes time to master. You start with getting up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom but over the years you eventually turn into Al Pacino from Scent of a Woman.

The only step after this is evolving to use some sort of sonar like a dolphin or bat.

It could happen.

AWESOME!

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Photos from: here, here, and here

Packed boxes are ghosts.

After you move into your shiny new place those cardboard demons haunt your hallways and basements for months and months and months. You see them hiding behind drain pipes in the storage room, lingering between boots in the closet, and even subbing in for missing furniture. (Seriously, I can’t be the only one with a corrugated bedside table.)

Now see, that’s why it’s so satisfying when you finally unpack the last one. Throw those VHS tapes on a bookshelf, stash the gravy boat in the cupboard, and drop them baby clothes in a donation bin.

You just exorcised your demons of laziness.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here and here