You’re Jack Bauer.

The clock’s clicking and sweat is pouring down your forehead because you know a bomb is about to go off… on your face! You can feel that sneeze tingle up where your brain connects to your eyeball and you know it’s about to boom out in a showery snotstorm the likes of which this dentist’s waiting room has never seen before.

Now it’s time to look left, look right, and get ready to pull off one of three big moves:

1. Slime Explosion. You didn’t make it. Cue the Family Feud buzzer. Nope, after frantically checking your pockets and combing through your glove compartment you eventually came up empty as the sneeze blew out your face. Now your hands are drenched, your lips are sticky, and you’re disgustingly snotty slimeball of humiliation. Time to find a bathroom or get licking. (-5 points)

2. The Understudy. This is where you couldn’t find a tissue but managed to sneeze into a substitute, just in the nick of time. Yes, you scrounged whatever random thing you could find in two seconds and now you’re holding a slippery n’ soggy Burger King placemat, grocery store receipt, or sweatshirt sleeve. (+5 points) (Note: +3 bonus points are awarded for pulling this off while holding a cafeteria tray in both hands.)

3. Mission Accomplished. You made it! You tapped your jeans pockets, fumbled through your fat purse, or ran to the bathroom as that sneeze was ticklingly the top of your nose. You dove for the tissue box and scrunched it to your nose just as the bomb was going off. (+10 points)

Grabbing a tissue at the last second before sneezing is a beautiful moment. You just swooped in when time was counting down and saved the day doing what you do best.

So today we say thank you for dry shirt sleeves. Thank you for dry lips.

And thank you… most of all… for freedom.

AWESOME!

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Just listen.

When the white sky splits and the big flakes fall there’s a certain peaceful calm that covers everything like a blanket. Floating flurries flutter and fly past dull yellow streetlamps before covering coats and cars in a thin layer of icing. Whistling winds fade to whispers and street beeps get muffled into the slowed-down scene in front of you.

Yes, when snowflakes blow those brake lights glow and everything slows into

AWESOME!

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Ready, aim, fire.

After dumping piles of frozen pizzas and melting ice cream into your trunk it’s time to turn around and fire the shopping cart into the big pile on the other side of the lot. Sure, sure, you could always walk over, but there’s something much more satisfying about sending it flying thirty feet and having it loudly crash straight into the other carts.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

Congratulations, Superdresser.

You just saved twenty seconds of pushing that belt through your jeans tomorrow morning while bumbling around late for work.

Also applies to leaving your shoelaces tied up, keeping your undershirt in your hoodie, and sleeping with your watch on.

AWESOME!

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Say goodbye.

Watch your high school pal slowly fade into the foggy shadows at the park after a long night catching up on the swings. Close the cab door on Grandma after the smoky bingo parlor clears out and watch her swerve down wet-slicked roads out of sight. Flick on the porch lights as your late-night college chat dissolves into dawn and your friends throw their hoodies on to shiver and slide their way home.

Brush your teeth, wash your face, check your watch … and wonder. You’re ready for bed but that feeling in your head makes you suddenly stop before slumber. You stare at the night, you flip on the light, and you worry with fright until —

The phone rings.

AWESOME!

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Once upon a time I ran a sandwich shop.

Yes, it was back in the early 00’s when I was a mayo-squirting kingpin working in the sticky, mustard-smeared sandwich underbelly. Surrounding me were a hodgepodge of acne-covered teenage longhairs who clocked in each day to slice tomatoes, chop green peppers, and fill paper cups right to the foamy brim.

Now, it was just a small shop in the corner of a dusty plaza in the suburbs and we had maybe a dozen folks on payroll, tops. As you can imagine, we got tight pretty quickly and little social norms started bubbling up — things like last one there gets the morning coffees, sobbing uncontrollably while chopping onions is completely acceptable, and everyone dresses up in full costume on Halloween.

Of course, by far and away the most popular house rule we developed was everyone gets their birthday off. It was pretty easy to schedule and the excitement leading up to those big days gave us all giddy little schoolkid highs.

Nope, we don’t get many birthdays on this spinny wet rock so let’s try to take them off.

AWESOME!

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They make everything.

AWESOME!

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Get crackin’.

Groggy and sore with jagged bedhead and an achy back you shuffle to the kitchen in stained sweats and mindlessly flick on the stove. Next it’s time to pop open the fridge and squint into the bright light before snagging some butter and the egg carton so you can get down to business. After tossing some butter on the crusty frying pan you swig some OJ and pick at your eyes while waiting till everything starts melting and bubbling. As the coils glow red the soft scents of melted butter slowly swirl and steam around you and that’s when you know it’s time.

Break a leg, crack that egg, and let the simmering sizzling begin.

AWESOME!

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Snap on the spandex, turn on the hose, and let’s get down to business.

Jumping through the sprinkler in your bathing suit is one of the greatest joys of childhood. Your backyard turns into a Waterpark as you pull off one of these classic moves:

1.The Original. Get the sprinkler sprinkling and motor at it full throttle before jumping as high as you can right through that wall of water. No fear. 

2. The Gymnast. Flipping over the sprinkler with wobbly cartwheels or high-flying somersaults is an advanced move which may result in accidental wetface, separated shoulders, or spontaneous applause from the gallery.

3. The Leapfrog. Here’s where you convince your little brother or sister to stand beside the sprinkler and then run and jump over them. Careful, though — nobody likes a wet crotch to the back of the head. 

4. The Spray Gun. Also known as having your big brother pick up the sprinkler and chase you around the yard while singing the Contra theme song.

5. The Slow Shower. This is when you stand still in one place with your eyes closed and let the water calmly hit your face. Also known as your Backyard Zen moment.

Of course, there are more, there are many more — after all, you could be jumping one of those rat-a-tat-tat sprinklers in the park or running along one of those misty green ones that look like a garden hose with pinholes in it. But no matter your style and no matter your taste, it’s always a beautiful moment of sparkly-eyed fun when you and your friends go outside under the sun to run around the sprinkler till the day is done.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here, here, here, and here