Walk into a grocery store and you’re surrounded by freshly misted lettuce, bubbling lobster tanks, and hot croissants rolling out of the oven. With your pupils dilated and mouth watering, there’s nothing finer than rolling your crookedy-wheel cart by the deli counter and making some subtle eye contact with the deli man.

Yeah, you know it and they know it: when you’re surrounded by fresh food in all directions you suddenly start jonesing for a fix. So you press your hands on the curved glass and gaze longingly at the giant hunks of pink and salty goodness shining at you from under the bright lights.

Then you know what you gotta do: make your order, reach your hands out, and get ready for those thinly shaved slices of salami to touch your tongue and send you on a trip far, far away.

AWESOME!

Hey everyone! After a 10-year-awesome hiatus I have a brand new 432-page hardcover BOOK OF AWESOME coming out on December 6, 2022 from Simon&Schuster. It is my tenth book or journal since 2010. I am deeply grateful for your support. You can check it out right here.

Photo from: here

Peel back that mildewy curtain and let’s get down to business.

Freshly soaped and squeaky clean your wet n’ steamy self towels dry and rolls on some Stink-B-Gone deodorant. But just before you pop from the hot steamroom into the goosebumpy hallway, it’s time to stop for a moment and be a finger-painting Picasso.

Yes, for a minute let the blurry morning haze and the upcoming stresses of school or work melt down and fade away as you start streaking your fingers up and down the steamy glass.

Crowds slowly gather at this stormy seashore and look over your shoulder as you calmly and quickly paint pretty pictures on your cliffside easel. Soon clouds part and the sun glimmers off the distant ocean waves as strangers stop walking their dogs, kids peek over from the ball diamond, and old folks hold hands and smile as you whip up masterpiece after masterpiece. Images pop up as they ooh and ahh — it’s a happy face, a heart, a house with smoke coming out the chimney, or a love letter waiting for the next person to have a shower.

Sure, in a few minutes the mirror fades to clear and your paintings drift away. But for an instant you’re a naked artist, brushing up against greatness, fame, and a cluttery bathroom counter.

AWESOME!

Hey everyone! After a 10-year-awesome hiatus I have a brand new 432-page hardcover BOOK OF AWESOME coming out on December 6, 2022 from Simon&Schuster. It is my tenth book or journal since 2010. I am deeply grateful for your support. You can check it out right here.

Photos from: here, here, here, and here

Sorry, you need my email address?

Sure, no problem open house real estate agent, clothing store mailing list, or random membership-required website.

Hit me up at idontcheckthisaccount @sorryaboutthat.com

AWESOME!

Hey everyone! After a 10-year-awesome hiatus I have a brand new 432-page hardcover BOOK OF AWESOME coming out on December 6, 2022 from Simon&Schuster. It is my tenth book or journal since 2010. I am deeply grateful for your support. You can check it out right here.

Photo from: here

Because at that moment you go from a greasy slack-jawed popcorn-kernel-n-sweatpants covered couch potato to a fast-talking screenwriter with sharp eyes, a whizzing mind, and a backup second career.

AWESOME!

Hey everyone! After a 10-year-awesome hiatus I have a brand new 432-page hardcover BOOK OF AWESOME coming out on December 6, 2022 from Simon&Schuster. It is my tenth book or journal since 2010. I am deeply grateful for your support. You can check it out right here.

Photo from: here

Diced tomatoes?

Sure, Aisle 6, three quarters of the way back, two shelves below the kidney beans.

They’re on sale this week.

AWESOME!

Hey everyone! After a 10-year-awesome hiatus I have a brand new 432-page hardcover BOOK OF AWESOME coming out on December 6, 2022 from Simon&Schuster. It is my tenth book or journal since 2010. I am deeply grateful for your support. You can check it out right here.

Photo from: here

Okay, you know how good it feels when you peel your socks off at the end of the day? You know how your crinkly leg hairs all get a chance to relax, stretch out, and breathe a sigh of relief?

Well, taking out your ponytail is like that times a million.

All your hair unbends and finally points the other direction. Shivers shake down your spine as you bend your neck and shake your hair out. Yes, all the pressure just melts away and it feels like an instant scalp massage. Plus, if you tied your shaggy mane up when it was wet then it’s even better because somehow everything was twisted even tighter up in there.

Taking your ponytail out is the getting comfy equivalent of putting on your PJs, taking your bra off at the end of the day, or twisting around all your sheets and blankets in the middle of the night till you get ’em jusssssssssst right.

AWESOME!

Hey everyone! After a 10-year-awesome hiatus I have a brand new 432-page hardcover BOOK OF AWESOME coming out on December 6, 2022 from Simon&Schuster. It is my tenth book or journal since 2010. I am deeply grateful for your support. You can check it out right here.

Photo from: here

If your bad back, busted ankle, or bum knee is keeping you off the courts, then get ready to lean back in your desk chair and reminisce about the game you loved…

Just crumple that hot inky sheet yanked from the photocopier’s paper-jammed bowels, swivel your desk chair sideways, and shoot a majestic three-pointer into the metal garbage bin. And don’t worry — if you’re inside the line, just go with a hook shot, buzzer beater, or big swooping alley-oop over to the glass fire extinguisher case hanging on the wall.

Two points!

Now, before you start firing, it’s important to really make sure you’ve got a size and weight that works. Crumpled printer paper and waxy, balled-up hamburger wraps are great. Flimsy granola bar wrappers and chewed up gum generally is not. If you try tossing those things you could find yourself missing the hoop and then casually glancing around to see who saw before sheepishly sharp-elbowing you way to the basket so you can scoop your own dirty rebound.

No, the key to pulling it off is simple: Grab a ball that flies, aim your hands to the sky, and fire that garbage into the trash can nearby.

AWESOME!

Hey everyone! After a 10-year-awesome hiatus I have a brand new 432-page hardcover BOOK OF AWESOME coming out on December 6, 2022 from Simon&Schuster. It is my tenth book or journal since 2010. I am deeply grateful for your support. You can check it out right here.

Photos from: here, here, and here

Peek outside on a snowy afternoon and the world moves in slow motion. Jumbo flakes float to the ground and coat your cracked sidewalks and patchy lawns in a thin blanket of bright white. Winds whisper through the willows as you strap your boots on and bundle up to head outside.

Making those first fresh footprints in the snow is a great feeling. You’re an explorer blazing a new trail, a skier hitting the slopes early, or just a suburban hiker carving a new path home.

AWESOME!

Hey everyone! After a 10-year-awesome hiatus I have a brand new 432-page hardcover BOOK OF AWESOME coming out on December 6, 2022 from Simon&Schuster. It is my tenth book or journal since 2010. I am deeply grateful for your support. You can check it out right here.

Photo from: here

Feel that fuzz.

Yes, when you toss on a brand new sweatshirt just smile and enjoy the smooth silky softness rubbing against your skin. There are no lint balls, fraying sleeves, or crinkled tags scratching at your neck. It’s just the cottony soft freshness of a brand new friend.

Of course, we both know the washer and dryer will slowly murder our sweatshirts over time. That’s why if you’re like me you try and stretch out that cozy first wear feeling as long as possible. You keep wearing it and wearing it and wearing it and wearing it, all the while hoping nobody calls you out on the fact you don’t wash your clothes.

But come on, it’s worth it. It’s worth the looks. It’s worth the stares. It’s worth the undershirts smeared with red lint. So go ahead! Toss on a pair of sweatpants, plop down on your cushy couch, and lay back in that sunny and relaxing world of

AWESOME!

Hey everyone! After a 10-year-awesome hiatus I have a brand new 432-page hardcover BOOK OF AWESOME coming out on December 6, 2022 from Simon&Schuster. It is my tenth book or journal since 2010. I am deeply grateful for your support. You can check it out right here.

Photos from: here and here

Once again your room is at the top of its game.

No more tripping on crumpled jeans flowers on your way to the light switch. No more grabbing random sweaters off your desk only to notice streaky mustard stains later in the day. Nope, no more dust bunnies, no more dried-out pudding cups, and no more bedside tables jammed with junk.

As you sit on your bed and look around you enjoy a brief moment of living in an IKEA magazine. Crisp and clean, free and fresh, you can practically hear the phone ringing and a fast-talking group of Scandanavian engineers begging to come over and study your work.

Well, if they call then I say let them come onnnnnnnn over.

Let them stare down their glasses at your tightly crisped bedsheets. Let them make clipboard notes on your clean carpet vaccuum streaks. And let them swipe their lab coat sleeves on your dust-free couch seats.

Yes, you burned the clock cleaning up the joint and now your place is sparkling and looking special. It’s always nice stopping to soak it all in.

AWESOME!

Hey everyone! After a 10-year-awesome hiatus I have a brand new 432-page hardcover BOOK OF AWESOME coming out on December 6, 2022 from Simon&Schuster. It is my tenth book or journal since 2010. I am deeply grateful for your support. You can check it out right here.

Photos from: here and here