Author: Neil Pasricha

You drive to the park, you walk to the gate, you get your hand stamped, you run to the line, you move up, you grab a hot-dog, you move up, you check your watch, you get to the front, you jump in the ride, and then the big moment finally arrives: the screechy cars start moving, there’s some rumbly bumping, and you’re cranking up the big first hill while all you hear is tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick.

Then there’s a short, quiet pause as you teeter on the top and float for a brief second as the cars tip down, your stomach twists around, and your arms wave high in the air as you get ready to scream.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

How do you get rid of a bad case of The Hics?

Brother, I don’t know about you, but in my neck of the woods it’s all about the junk science moves. Yes, when your diaphragm starts spazzing, it’s time to keep cool, keep calm, keep collected and try one of these:

1. The Backwards Sip. Tilt your neck to your chest and drink upside-down from the wrong side of a glass of water. Wet bangs, stinging eyes, and a drippy forehead means you did it right.

2. Sugar, Spice, and Everything Nice. Some people say eating a spoonful of sugar or gargling with sugar water helps. Hey, any cure that sounds delicious works for me, so I say give it a shot. While you’re at it try scarfing a couple Oh Henry’s for that bum knee and chugging a few cans of Jolt cola for that eyelash stuck in your eye.

3. The Surprise Attack. This where you think someone scaring you will frighten the hiccups away. Of course, popping a paper bag behind you or clapping in your ear isn’t going to cut it. No, this only works when somebody shoves you off an apartment building ledge onto a properly rigged-up safety net below. … Then again, maybe just skip it altogether.

4. The Deep Sea Diver. Fill your lungs up, pop your belly out, and hold your breath as long as possible. If all goes according to plan, your face will turn bright red and look hilarious to all your friends.

Now, come on, let’s face facts, people. None of these usually works so you’re stuck pulling off The Annoying Wait. You think they’re gone, but they’re not, and then you think they’re gone again, but then they’re actually not again, and then you think they’re really gone for sure this time.

And then they actually are.

And in that beautiful moment you just stare up at everybody around you with a sweaty face, tired eyes, and a slow smile curling onto your face. Because when the hiccups finally stop it’s a giant sensation of sweet relief and a big ol’ moment of

AWESOME!

tPhotos from: here, here, and here

Waiting in a long line for a roller coaster, writing your ninth grade math exam, riding to work on the commuter rail, it suddenly hits you: that slippery Shake, Rattle, n’ Roll way, way, way up your nose.

You tap your pockets, check your purse, but no luck. You’ve got no tissues. You’ve got no napkins.

You’re all alone.

It twitches and it tickles and it drips and it dribbles and before you know it you’re shoved onstage as the curtain rises and floodlights blind your eyes. Yes, it’s the off-off-broadway production of That Drippy Emergency and you’re the star of the show.

• Act 1: Sleeve Sliding. Welcome back to sixth grade. You slide your slick and slippery faucet right across your dirty, fraying sweatshirt sleeve. Congratulations! You just bought yourself twenty-five seconds of sweet relief before the pipes burst again.

• Act 2: The Big Snort. Get your head in the game. Here’s where you pull a Zack Morris-like Time-Out, pause the world around you, and just yank your head up real fast while snorting as stiffly as possible. You smell dirty dust in the air and the crisp winter breeze zooms in to chill your brain. The Big Snort isn’t always pretty, but you’re just reading the lines.

• Act 3: Wet Lips. Eventually your tired face stares grimly in the distance. You give up for a moment and just let go. Two little garden hoses drip down your mustache groove and salt up your lips. Don’t deny you’ve gone this route before. Sometimes you’ve got no choice.

• Act 4: The Replacement Player. Blow, blow, blow into whatever you can find that seems closest to a tissue. Scratchy brown paper towel, piece of paper from the laser printer, squeezed-and-folded toilet paper roll, or maybe just the ol’ Bare Hands With A Sink Nearby move.

If you’ve ever performed the entire production of That Drippy Emergency, then you know it’s not a great gig. Nope, the pay is bad, the hours are terrible, and you’re an embarrassing slobbery mess for a few minutes.

That’s why it’s great when someone tosses you a tissue.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here, here, and here

Oh, there’s more than just guitar.

How many of these other air classics have you pulled off?

1. Air drums. Riding shotgun and nailing solos on the dashboard or cooking dinner and feeling the beats on the kitchen counter, you either go with the My-Fingers-Are-Drumstricks method or the My-Fists-Are-Holding-Air-Drumsticks method. Both sound excellent.

2. Air Keyboard. No Air Resume is complete without some strong Air Keyboard experience. Nail it by squeezing your eyes shut, raising your brows, biting your lip, and swaying back and forth.

3. Air Harmonica. Using sparingly for Bruce Springsteen and Tom Petty songs.

4. Air Cow Bell. If you master Air Cow Bell, be prepared to be invited to all the coolest parties and hottest dances. Bonus points for playing with a giant, open-mouthed smile and wildly bobbing head while being really, really tall.

Yes, rocking out in a state of air-playing bliss is one of life’s great joys. When you’re in the zone there’s a tear in the fabric of space-time and you’re suddenly transported to a sold out Air Stage in front of millions and millions of sweaty screaming Air Fans.

Your big buckets of passion and never-ending supply of energy helps keep our planet spinning, so pump those fists, nail those high notes, and rock on, rock star, rock on.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here, here, and here

Nope, no awkward, pants-around-the-ankles hopping here.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

It’s been a long afternoon.

Making a list, checking it twice, heading to the store for milk, bread, and rice.

Brother, let’s face facts: when you finally wheel onto your slippery leaf-covered driveway with a trunk full of wet celery, rolling apples, and melting ice-cream, all you wanna do is finish the job quick.

It’s time to put her in park and start yanking bag after bag from the trunk and start holding them with every possible bag-holding-body-part you got.

First grab the heavy bags of milk and potatoes with one hand and the 2L bottles of Coke and frozen lasagnas with the other. Then pile on the fruits, veggies, yogurts, and be careful with those eggs, careful with the eggs there. Now while teetering awkwardly with eight plastic bags digging into your forearms, just grit your teeth and grab the final bag of bread and cold cuts with your left pinky while squeezing a giant, bulk-pack of toilet paper under your right armpit.

Now shut the trunk and lock the door using only your elbow, chin, and teeth.

Annnnnnnd … you’re good!

Oh sure, it’s not very majestic, but it’ll have to do because there is no way you’re coming back out here again. No, you did your job and now it’s time for your spouse and kids to fill the fridge and pantry — so just run in the door, toss the bags on the floor, and scream “I’m back from the store!”

AWESOME!

Photos from: here and here

Wind whips through your hair and smacks your cheeks as you scream down the slope at the rip-rocketing speed of

AWESOME!

Illustration from: here

Hands up if you drive on the snowy side of the planet.

If so then you know how your icebox on wheels gets sick when the weather dips. Washer fluid smears and freezes on your windshield, windows jam shut, and those nasty, rock-hard clumps of dirty frozen slush start bumper surfing on the back of your ride.

Sure, sure, your tires spin in the snowbanks and sand those car boogers into dirty brown icicles. But then they just hang there proudly — slushy arms crossed, salty eyebrows raised, and fat icy grins on their faces like they own the place.

Yes, they ride along when the family picks up a Christmas tree, sit caboose on the trip to the mall, and hang silently in the shadows of the driveway all night, perfectly still, perfectly quiet … and waiting.

That’s why it’s so satisfying when you put the boot to those slushy chunks and show them who’s boss. When you drop them to the mat it’s like yanking a swollen appendix out of an eight-year-old in the operating room, throwing garbage bags of old clothes up and out of the basement, or tossing the churning sea of sickness in your stomach into the toilet.

Kicking those clumps of frozen slush off the back of your car gives us all a big Awwww yeah moment of

AWESOME!

Photos from: here and here

Has long left turn lane got you down?

Are you backed up past where the lane even begins? Is there an 18-wheeler in front of you pulling a massive wraparound turn at the speed of sloth? Did the guy in the intersection hit the brakes when you expected him to gun it, delaying you both for another light? Or did a car in oncoming traffic run a red and keep you stranded awkwardly in no man’s land?

Baby, if you’re stalled at the amber and are feeling bright red, have we got the cure for you: The Surprise Left Turn Arrow.

Yes, when that neon green arrow suddenly flashes above you, just hammer the gas and get going, because the curtain’s up, the audience is cheering, and the stage is calling you on.

AWESOME!

Tssssssssssssss.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here