What’s that on your arm?

Wait, let me guess — is it a giant smear of white sunblock gooing up your arm hairs? Brother, I been there too. And I guarantee my arms are more gorilla than you, so whenever I’m thick-blobbing it on the back deck before the barbecue it feels like I’m petting a dog with paint. Soon I’ll be helplessly wagging my drippy hands in your face asking if I can please wipe my sunblock overdose all over you.

Of course, when I’m not overdoing it I usually have the opposite issue — squeezing out barely enough to cover a shin and two palms. Then I’m the guy getting the bottle all greasy with my slippery paws as I try to frantically fart-squeeze more out of the container to cover up.

Yes, that’s what makes it great when I actually squeeze out the right amount of sunblock. No double-dipping, no double-dripping — just enough of the cool n’ creamy to cover myself up in style.

Cover your skin for the summertime win.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here and here

It’s the buffalo of the backyard.

Yes, when you’re a kid you live off that hose. It’s your friend. It’s your enemy. It keeps your entire afternoon moving with ritual cool downs, face-spraying entertainment, and lots of rust-and-plastic flavored water to keep you hydrated. Oh sure, sure — maybe it’s not technically meant for drinking, but there’s just nothing more satisfying than stealing drips from the snakey drain right below the window pane.

Feel free to enjoy your hose drinking with the classic Dribble Pour Technique, chaotic Thumb-Stop Surprise Spray, or the painful Garden Gun Squeeze to the back of the throat. All work just fine but if you’re looking for +5 Bonus Points you can try drinking straight from the sprinkler. Bit risky but that’s just the way you roll sometimes.

Yes, drinking from the hose in the backyard is one of the places where after having a few sips it’s completely acceptable to spray your brother in the face.

Enjoy the summer.

AWESOME!

This is one of four “birthday posts” on 1000 Awesome Things. Read our other birthday posts here, here, and here.

Photo from: here and here

It’s better than half the stuff in the gallery.

AWESOME!

Check out 3 Books!

Photo from: here

It’s the warm underwear from the dryer of the summer.

Yes, warm sandals are a tender hug for cold feet and a sweet escape from scalding sand.

Just slip them on and say

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

First, there is nothing.

You mindlessly walk into the Sea of Cars from the mall and start tapping your remote over and over and over again into quiet and silent night. Foggy memories of parking near the pizza smell by the back slowly hit you and you groggily stumble forward like a zombie … deeper and deeper into the concrete bowels of the lot. Yes, wedged between door handles and tailpipes you’re a Parking Lot Disaster until — suddenly! You hear it! Getting closer!

Be-beep.

Be-beep.

Be-beep.

Be-beep.

Be-beep!

Be-beep!

AWESOME!

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AWESOME!

My friend Ago got excited.

We were hanging out after work the other day and he started going on and on about how the previous owners of his new house had planted perennial flowers. “They just popped outta the ground,” he said, completely astonished, eyes popping wide like a giant squid. “It was like magic.”

He and his wife Nat gazed upon the earthy brown patch outside their home every day and started enjoying the random mish-mash garden that bloomed straight up out of it. “It was like a free garden,” he said to me, jaw dropped, tongue hanging out like an eager puppy. “No money!”

And he does have a point.

After all, if you’ve ever moved into a new place you know how empty it seems when you get there — old mothballs in the closet, cobwebs where the couch was, rock-hard baking soda in the fridge, that’s all you got.

But someone was there before and it was a home before it was your home. So it’s fun to stop and think: Who used to live here? What did they do? Did they have kids? And hot water problems, too?

Plants and flowers left behind form a loose connection between everyone who ever lives in the same place. They’re little notes scratched between yesterday and tomorrow’s tenants connecting us all through maple trees, sharp shrubs, and whatever comes out of the garden in the spring.

So when you’re moving take your dining room table, take your tube TV, and take your rusty drive. But make sure you leave something good growing in the garden … make sure you leave a little hello and high five.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here and here

It’s like finding a secret button that gives you complete control over your furry friend.

Just scratch once for

AWESOME!

It’s time for open egg surgery.

Sure, maybe you didn’t make it in med school, but now’s your chance to tenderly crack open the egg skull and reveal the soft white brain below. After you successfully remove a giant chunk all at once make sure to delicately leave it on the plate before holding the egg under a light to examine it for shell dust particles.

All eyes are on you in the operating room theater of your kitchen.

Get crackin’.

AWESOME!

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Photo from: here

That pesky mosquito.

Did you know those jabby jerks are responsible for more deaths on earth than any other creature? With millions of people getting malaria every year they’re bringing us all down, down, down. And they look so innocent too! Why, I almost feel sorry for them with their tiny lives, terrible hangouts by dumpy ponds, and their plain unluckiness when it comes to getting caught in slow-flowing amber back in the Jurassic.

Now it’s getting to be prime season for skeeters up here and those buzzy bullies are always zzz-zzz-zzz’ing in my ears. Sometimes they’ll land and jab their stingers into my arm before I notice I’m getting blood sucked good. In the words of Stephanie Tanner — how rude.

The fun really starts when I get home from the dimly lit patio and end up covered in an itchy patch of bright red dots. Cut to the annoying Five Day Scratchfest where instead of buying calamine lotion, wearing oven mitts, or soaking in bath salts, I choose instead to furiously scratch those itches over and over.

Because who doesn’t love that?

Yes, I say gimme that soothing one second relief from the mild burn in exchange for the fiery reburn any day. Because holding out is just too difficult and taking a little break from itchiness feels like standing straight under Niagara Falls.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here and here