Your lungs deserve the best.
Escape the parking garage, forget the fast food fumes, and run away from that photocopying daze in the cubicle farm.
When you get way out in the open, when you’re sailing over the deep blue sea, when you’re climbing to the top of the mountain, just take a breath for you and me.
AWESOME!
Talk about a win-win-win-win.
• If you’re already done! Brother, you just earned some breathing room. Sit back and smile as everyone sweats it up next week and pat your own back for being on top of your game. If you feel like it you can make improvements and hand in Version 2.0 of Your Masterpiece. Or you can simply make improvements to the amount of dancing cat videos you’ve watched online lately. Your choice.
• If you’re nowhere close! Then this is for you! Yes, you were drowning in deadlines when this one thankfully got moved so now you finally catch your breath and get organized. Take a deep breath and catch up to yourself.
• If you’re the teacher! Congratulations! You just enabled your own procrastination. Forget spending the weekend reading a pile of book reports or grading science labs. Nope — now’s the time to clean out the fridge, spend a day on the couch, and maybe even finally finish that Solitaire game that’s been taunting you. Watch out for falling cards.
• If you’re the deadline! Why, you don’t mind at all either. This could be due to your lack of consciousness.
So listen up, teachers and bosses of the world: When you extend those deadlines we’re loving you lots. Life’s too short to stress out all the time so give us a break and we promise to pay you back with full-face smiles, cracking high fives, and great big screams of
AWESOME!
Photos from: here
Get down, get funky, get loose.
When the tunes starts bumping and your car starts thumping it’s time to dance it off in the passenger or back seat. Slam the glove compartment, roll down the windows, and give these moves a try:
• The Bird. Both the driver and passenger get involved with this one. Each person sticks one arm out each window and gets slowwwwwwww flapping. Birdcalls can be added for effect or just enjoy the ride.
• Reverse Irish Dancing. Michael Flatley was Lord of the Dance with his super-fast-legs styles. Go the opposite by keeping your legs buckled up while getting the upper body bouncing. Head bobs, shoulder shrugs, and flailing elbows? Testify!
• Air Drumming. Bang the dash, bang the windows, and bang those bucket seats. Make sure you point all the air vents towards you and crank the fan for full effects. Bonus points awarded for headbanging so hard you engage the seatbelt.
• Air Boxing. This is just a twist on Air Drumming and is primarily used for LL Cool J’s Mama Said Knock You Out.
• Mime Dancing. When you’re rocking out wearing headphones nobody hears those drums thumping and that bass kicking. But they see you enjoying them both. Lip synching with scrunched eyebrows and wistful eyes is always nice here.
When you can’t go outside cause you’re strapped in for the ride sometimes it gets blurry and boring out the windows. Cloud float up high and trees whip on by while you sit and itch for some energy and some fun. So when the talking is done and you’re cruising in the sun make sure you get those buns bouncing to the beat, clap your hands and stomp those feat, and make some car dancing magic … in your car dancing seat.
AWESOME!
Scott got screwed.
Back in ninth grade my friend Scott was assigned a locker buddy named Kyle who played trumpet in the school band. They shared a thin locker down a dark and dusty hallway outside the Boy’s Changeroom. Not only did it smell like armpit, but it was about a three-minute hike from any of our classes.
Now, Scott gave Kyle the top shelf so he was stuck on his knees every morning wedging his winter jacket, books, and boots onto the rusty floor of the thing. I have a painfully vivid memory of watching Kyle’s trumpet case majestically tumble from the top shelf and completely nail Scott in the face.
You could say he had a bad locker.
Getting a good locker in high school makes all the difference. You need a convenient spot to grab your books when you’re running late, easy access to the bathroom and cafeteria, and a good Locker Neighborhood near all your friends.
And tumbling trumpets to the face should be avoided wherever possible.
AWESOME!
I was the Mini Golf King.
Yes, back in those blurry late 80s there wasn’t a course that could trip me up. Slippery slopes, puddle patches, shady piles of windswept maple keys were all no match for my well-practiced whacking of that neon pink ball. Smack it off the chewed-up mat, bounce it off the windmill arms, and let it slowly straighten before dropping right into the hole.
That was my game.
The sound of a golf ball falling into the cup is the bounce-a-round sound of hole-finishing satisfaction. Whether you just finished smacking dented balls off tree trunks, chipping through the rough, or twelve-putting your way to the finish line, it really doesn’t matter.
Because that final shot always sounds the same.
It’s the sound of satisfaction going down the drain.
AWESOME!
Photo from: here
Dogs are lazy.
There, I said it. And you know it’s true. Look who’s sleeping on the couch, look who’s drooling on my socks, look who’s wandering around in circles. Dogs, my friend. Dogs, dogs, dogs.
And sure, maybe the dog economy has dried up a bit and it’s not as easy to give a dog a bone. But before this old man comes rolling home let’s take a moment to say thanks to the K9s actually earning their kibble:
• Seeing eye dogs. I feel bad for blind people of three hundred years ago. We hadn’t invented glasses yet and Seeing Eye dogs weren’t around. People like me probably walked around aimlessly till we fell in sewer holes or tried to pet a bear. Lucky for us, now glasses and seeing-eye dogs come through in the clutch – leading us out of harm’s way and letting us live another day.
• Junk yard dogs. Who else is going to guard all the spare tires, rusty chains, and piles of gravel around here? Braving rainstorms, mud puddles, and barbed wire makes junk yard dogging a tough life … but an honest life.
• The dalmation on the fire squad. Apparently firefighters took dalmations with them in the early days to be a sort of barking siren. Their aggressive nature and loud barks helped clear the streets for fire trucks to get to the blaze. It helped that they had a ton of energy and got along great with horses. Thanks, Spots.
•Bomb sniffing dogs. These four-footed beacons of courage are keeping our skies safe. I mean, would you enjoy inspecting suspicious duct-taped packages making ticking sounds? I didn’t think so. So make sure you give these weekend warriors a grateful head nod next time you walk past.
• Hunting dogs. Remember when you weren’t clay shooting back in Duck Hunt there was that friendly neighborhood hunting dog scaring the ducks out of the bushes so you could pop them? These guys are close cousins of the bloodhounds who help detectives find clues in the forest. They follow a work hard, play hard philosophy.
• Sheep dogs. Herding sheep over grassy hills is no walk in the park. While his friends are pissing on trees outside the pizza place the sheep dog runs around barking for hours. Fierce determination and a tireless work ethic are hallmarks of the role.
Yes, dogs with jobs keep the rusty gears of our economy creaking as they dedicate their noble lives to service. Dogs with jobs help our world go round.
Dogs with jobs are
AWESOME!
Sometimes it knows exactly how you feel.
Sometimes it knows exactly what you need.
Sometimes it plays a song that is exactly
AWESOME!
Props to the past.
The Stone Age is the term describing the giant time period from 600,000 years ago to 8000 years ago where our earliest ancestors first made tools from stone. Unless you happen to be an immortal wizard, I’m guessing you weren’t around back then. Yeah, me neither. But we sure owe a lot to our cave brothers and and sisters for the stuff they figured out to help us along our way. Seriously, 98% of our time on Earth has been living in The Stone Age, so it’s time to look back and give two opposable thumbs up to our makers.
Now, the first stone tools ever built are either the core type, formed by chipping stone to form a cutting edge, or the flake type, fashioned from fragments struck off a stone. Hand axes made their first appearance here for our hunter-gatherer grandparents.
After this there was a technology boom. Think of it like the dot-com era of the 1990s, only this was about 50,000 – 100,000 years ago and included the invention of Mousterian tools — instruments such as sturdy points and bone needles and thimbles to help sew furs and skins together for body coverings. Yes, blankets were born. Also, we began painting back here, decorating dead bodies with colors before burying our loved ones. Note that this was the start of the cosmetics industry with beads, necklaces, and ochre, but its peak wasn’t reached until sparkly blue eye shadow much later.
From about 50,000 years ago onwards we really hit our Stone Age stride. We started building pit houses, which are arguably our first homemade shelters. So camping suddenly became more of a nice-to-do instead of a have-to-do. Also, we started group hunting and fishing with new tools such as knives, spears, and harpoons. And in addition to stone, we started using bone and ivory to make artwork such as Venus figures.
Basically, The Stone Age is a really, really long time that happened a really, really long time ago. But without it, almost nothing we see, do, and use in our lives today would be possible. When we’re driving around in fast cars staring at stars, just remember where it all started — carving stones, shaping rocks, and charging our way forward into science and the arts.
Yes, from ochre to Play-Doh, from cave paintings to computer screens, we’ve gone from berries to jam and from running feet to submarines. From pit houses to apartments, from stone spears to pocket knives, our latest inventions keep us moving forward… and keep changing all of our lives.
AWESOME!
We’ve all been there.
Whether you left the keys in your car, let a dorm door slam behind you, or just came home late without a key, we feel your pain, we feel your pain, we feel your pain.
Now after the panic drains and you stop going insane it’s time to get your brain together by slipping off your sneakers, pulling a ski mask over your face, and grabbing a giant empty sack with a dollar sign stamped across it. Yes, you’re a cat burglar and it’s time to bust into your own joint.
Unlocked windows, jimmied doorknobs, and bent wire hangers all help get the job done in style. Swing pet doors could also come in handy. Also! Be sure to try and fail to wedge a Mastercard in the doorjam for a couple minutes while saying “I saw this in a movie once”, just for the full experience.
Breaking into your own place after realizing you locked yourself out gives you a smirking sense of jewel thieving satisfaction. You get the high of being a bank robber without the guilt of walking around with a coat full of diamonds.
Let’s just call it a win win.
Let’s just call it
AWESOME!
I went to school in a small town on a big lake.
Sharp winter air bit our cheeks year round as we skidded across slippery slush sidewalks under sweaty bundles of wet scarves and snow-covered hats. Yes, fingers froze and so did toes in our blustery red-faced races to class.
Basically, it was all about getting where you were going and then staying there for good. After all, once you slow-peeled all the steamy layers off you didn’t really feel like moving anymore. Couch sessions were common with video games, basement movies, and dialing for dinner all part of our hibernation preservation.
Yes, we were grizzlies in the den until it finally ringed… When those winter chills faded and then finally bringed… those beautifully warm windy breezes of the first day of Spring!
That’s when warm air finally blew across our faces and woke up all our senses.
It was a beautiful moment.
It is a beautiful moment.
Tiny leaves push through sandy sidewalk cracks reaching out like skinny fists to the heavens. You can picture their invisible roots stretching their dusty arms, shaking cobwebs off their coats, and getting set to push deeper and deeper all summer long.
Warm winds stir up heady smells of dark topsoil, flower pollen, and squished worms. Running shoes soak through yellow grass and tiny mud bubbles rise around every step as you artfully dodge rogue dirty-ice chunks in the shade and last year’s dog poo.
Bike helmets wobble on shaky bikes, tongue-wagging dogs go on street-strolling hikes, and everyone smiles at this moment of delight.
So lose the jacket and get on your feet! Come join the party in the street! Just smell the trees and sniff those blossoms! Because our first warm day of Spring is so completely
AWESOME!
