Wrapping is serious.
Yes, somewhere between peeling tape, snipping corners, and curling ribbons you start obsessing over all the little details. And sure, if you’re like me your present just ends up a corner-dented patchwork of twisted tape and shoddy edges. But for the pros there’s something important and something sweet about getting the whole thing looking jussssssssst right..
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UNAWESOME!
AWESOME!
You’re running late.
When it’s almost Christmas and there’s nothing under the tree it’s time to furrow your brows, steady your glare, and clench those fists for a big Super Present Power Shop.
Yes, this is where you bust into the mall in a sweatshirt-and-running shoes tornado and spin around at high speeds until successfully finding something for everyone on your list.
Black Friday’s long gone, online delivery windows are closed, and now it’s crunch time. Here are some tips to pulling it off:
• Good parkin’ is good startin’. Circling the frozen tundra in lot WW is a fool’s game. No, you need to find the secret YMCA entrance, get a drop off and pick up, or arrive ten minutes before doors open to score a front spot. Don’t forget The PLPT.
• Skip the coat, grab the kicks. Leave your winter jacket in the trunk and sprint across the icy lot to the front door because thirty seconds of frozen lungs is worth avoiding three hours of overheating. Plus, those running shoes will help you run and dive for the last Baby Farts-A-Lot in the toy store.
• Plug in. Stuff some headphones in your ears and rock out to 2Unlimited or Technotronic to stay motivated. Remember: Nothing slows you down more than hearing Santa Baby for the third time in an hour so pump up the jam and let’s move this.
• Couples for couples. If you have couples on your list just divide the number of gifts by two. Beer mug for him, wine glasses for her? No, martini shaker for both. You get the idea.
• Close your list, open your mind. Focus is important so jot down your names and ideas before hitting the stores. Just make sure leave your mind open for things to jump off the shelves. Breath mints, People magazines, and IKEA golf pencils all make lovely stocking stuffers.
• Bag a Monster. It’s important to ask the first store you visit for the largest bags they have. They should go fishing for a couple minutes and pull out the king-sized ones normally reserved for toaster ovens and dehumidifiers. Use those monster to eat everything else you buy all day.
Okay, listen, listen — these are just a few tips to get you going. As you start perfecting your Power Shop you’ll grow more advanced techniques like stuffing your pockets with peanut butter sandwiches, phoning for inventory checks while waiting in lines, and buying someone a sled so you can drag all your presents from shop to shop.
But no matter what kind of Power Shop you pull off, one thing’s for sure: when you crash back into your couch surrounded by full bags and a crossed-off list well… it’s time to unclench your muscles, droop your eyes, and just smile back slowly at your mall-conquering moment of
AWESOME!
It’s party time.
And those Christmas sweaters are just the beginning.
I mean sure, tossing on a thick woolly for the holiday party is a sure way to spread the cheer — especially if your sweater features hypnotic swirls of red and green, a giant floating snowman head, or an intense action sequence of Santa flying his reindeer through a blizzard.
But to really get that party going and that eggnog flowing you’ve got to crank it up a notch. Yes, we’re talking about tossing a Santa cap on your golden retriever or grandpa, we’re talking about tossing one on your labradoodle or grandma, and we’re talking about everyone donning their gay apparel to whip this holiday bash into a whole new level of
AWESOME!
Thank you for helping The Book of Awesome hit bestseller lists since April!
Thanks, jewelry box, random bar of soap, and chocolate orange.
You came through in the clutch to help use the final shredded scrap of wrap.
AWESOME!
Photo from: here
It’s time for some intergenerational egg nogging.
Get ready to light the yule log, sail the gravy boat, and get your eighty-five pound grandmother a sloshy glass of rummy nog.
Now, whatever your age, whatever your tastes, whatever your pleasures, whatever your fates, let’s all agree on one thing today: grabbing an occasional festive drink with your mom’s mom or your son’s son bridges boundaries and crosses divides.
Once upon your time your grandma used to boogie. Once upon a time your grandma threw it down. I’m saying before you danced on tables, she danced on them too. And before you learned to mix things, she was mixing two.
So when the holidays hit and the families combine it’s time to bring out the punch bowl and time to have a good time. Because we’re not here forever and we’re not here very long. We don’t get many chances so toss one back before granny’s gone.
I never knew my grandparents but I heard stories they were great… so I know if they were here now we’d party hard before it got too late.
AWESOME!
What do cellophane-wrapped mugs of mini candy canes, Season 3 of Mr. Belvedere on DVD, and framed photos of someone else’s dog have in common?
They’re just what we never wanted.
But that’s okay, that’s okay — because someone else might! Yes, now it’s time for some Regifting Magic, people. It’s time to regift like you’ve never regifted before. You’re a regifting machine if you follow these three steps to freedom:
1. Smile sweetly. Never look a gift horse in the mouth. Instead, look them in the eyes while saying thank you over and over. You may also find it helpful to practice these lines (for these items): “I’ve been meaning to try that place!” (gift card to Taco Bell), “How did you know I liked puke green!” (puke green sweater), and “It’s perfect, it’s perfect — honestly, how have I even been wearing shoes all these years!?” (shoehorn)
2. Add it your gifts-to-give pile. When you get home make sure to write a thank-you card promptly and then toss the gift in the closet with your motorized self-twirling spaghetti fork, Streetlamps of the World page-a-day calendar, and novelty light-up ceramic angel. Let your inventory bulk up a bit so you’ve got good regift variety and be sure to hide the stash from future regiftees.
3. Annnnnnd… regift! This is the toughest step because you only truly succeed in regifting when you’re about 80-90% sure the regiftee will love the present. After all, there’s nothing wrong with gift cards to Taco Bell and light-up ceramic angels. It’s just that one goes to your backwards-cap skateboarding rascal of a little cousin and the other goes to your Grandma who loves tacos.
AWESOME!
Sidewalks bring us together.
Fences split yards, lawns divide homes, and invisible property lines are scribbled on dusty blueprints in city archives. But somehow those little strips of concrete tie us all together and connect the dots between our lives.
It’s a beautiful moment when a friendly neighbor shovels the snow off of your walk after a winter snowstorm. Swaddled in snow-packed mitts, sweaty scarves, and salty boots, they’re just lending a helping hand of kindness and some friendly season’s greetings.
AWESOME!
Photo from: here
They’re not selling anything.
Nope, Christmas lights on construction cranes just smile down on the city and cover us all in a warm and festive light. Flickering in the sky, flashing way up high, they hug us all together in a friendly yellow glow.
On top of that, it’s sort of fun thinking about how they got there too. Doesn’t it seem kind of dangerous? It’s like someone risked their lives just putting up lights for the people.
Thanks Spiderman!
AWESOME!
Thanks for making The Book of Awesome a #1 bestseller in The Toronto Star for 30 weeks!
Photo from: here
